Wrestling with a fetish all my life

Thank you as always

I do actually have a website I used to to use to display some of my older work, haha. I currently serve the Lord through use of digital design skills, but yes, I have been wondering how I can use drawing skills to serve too. The challenge is that at times it can be stressful to get an image right, which is what can put me off it so easily. When I have completed a wholesome creative project, I have done so through self-discipline when the enjoyment wanes. But these days as I get older and take on more responsibilities I'm less inclined to self-discipline in my free time, and my relaxation has become invested in gaming.

Gaming can be more mindless than creative work, which is why I easily sink into it when I need to relax. But then again... gaming can also be very stressful too... and I keep forgetting this. I recently found myself becoming too much of a completionist when I start a new game, especially in franchises I've become invested in. But that was becoming unhealthy too and I've managed to get out of that a bit. I do keep thinking it might be time to spend even less time gaming and more on wholesome drawing projects, which I did used to do a lot when I was younger.

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Day 73

Today was another day where lots of smaller things distracted my focus and I finished the working day feeling I hadn't accomplished much, though I probably have accomplished more than I think.

A positive is that I started hiring a cleaner for my flat again. With the exception of a single day, I haven't had one over since I started working from home over a year ago. It meant I had to do a lot of my own cleaning again, which was adding to daily stress as my living room and bedroom seem to pick up dust ridiculously easy.

 

Yeah, the appeal isn't particularly strong outside of fetish appeal, and when I have benefited from it it's when it's designed to be more meditative. As long as I'm not listening to a woman or somebody playing with duct tape I'll be fine, but on the other hand I'm really not that dependent on it for relaxation either.

I actually benefit more from white noise, which I regularly use it to sleep or to drown out other less constant background noise when I need to concentrate.

 

Day 74

Not much to report today. I had a half day at work, originally booked off for my second COVID jab before that was brought forward, so I used the afternoon to get various odd jobs out of the way. I got a call from my estate agent to arrange a viewing of my flat on Saturday afternoon.... the first I've had since putting it on the market!

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As there isn't much to report today, I'm going to post some reflections I had been working on offline with the intention of sharing here. This was originally two separate posts which I’d been working on, but I actually feel they kind of work together. The first is another sporting analogy regarding my anxiety. The second is about another fear I have (well, not really fear, but couldn’t think of a better word!).

Climbing

I haven’t tried climbing much in the past, but I found it scary the first time. It is different from my sailing experience. At first I hated it, as I did when I went sailing. But the reason wasn’t social this time (though I did embarrass myself a bit), and I knew I could grow to like it. It all came down to physical safety this time.

I got up maybe half way, but just didn’t feel safe. I knew I was safe, but I didn’t feel it. I hadn’t been doing it long enough to trust my harness. Plus even if you do slip while in the safety of the hardness, you can still bash yourself against the rock. Anxiety kicked in and I was freaking out slightly. Others outside our friendship group were watching, one of them even saying “come on mate, there’s kids here who went up higher!” - not helpful at all and I felt pretty angry with them at the time. I may have snapped back, I can’t remember. Anyway, I forgive them.

I knew the issue was that I needed more time becoming familiar with the safety of the harness before feeling ready to go higher. Indeed, another opportunity came up later on in life, and I decided I was going to take it more slowly. Furthermore it was an indoor climbing centre, which made things a bit easier. I would go up part way, to a height where I felt safe, ask to be lowered again, and then go all way up. It totally worked and I was happy in the safety of the hardness. I ended up really enjoying it and going back at least once. Climbing is great because it uses both my body and my brain. Thinking about where to place hands and feet keeps the mind ticking over, and became a much more intellectual task than I had anticipated – in a good way.

For me, many things in life are like my gradual process of getting used to the safety harness, not least doing something new, and especially opening up about difficult topics such as my fetish. I need to take it slowly. It’s hard for me to do. I can know it’s safe, but I need to feel safe. I need to go a short distance, pause, and retreat briefly before I can appreciate how safe I was during the pause. Then I can go further. Pause again. Back down. Repeat. It doesn’t help when an observer is mocking me for how difficult it is. I forgive them because they do not understand what it’s like to be me. But I need to do things at a pace that feels safe – especially when it comes to honesty. If I take it too fast, I start to freak out, and then I lie (no climbing analogy at this point… not that I can think of anyway!). Lying is one of my fear responses and has been my whole life – it’s another desperate way to reach out for safety in the wrong place.

But I appreciate that sometimes I will need to take things more quickly. To only open up when I’m ready could be very selfish, depending on the circumstances. I may owe it to people to open up more quickly if it’s something that affects them. I know this but it’s hard. This is why I don’t trust myself in a marriage relationship. I believe such relationships deserve 100% honesty but I don’t believe I’m capable of giving that. I am mostly content in my singleness and I hope to be fully so if that is God’s will. But if I am to find a relationship, I need to find somebody who is willing to progress at the same steady pace as I do, or be kind and patient in encouraging me to move faster. But such a lady has been really hard to find.

Time

More generally, time is in a sense another fear I have. I think of time as the unstoppable force. When I’m nervous about an upcoming event I cannot avoid, I just wish there was a way of stopping time, but there isn’t. It’s impossible. So I want to make the most of the time before that event, and this becomes an obsession itself. I struggle to decide what I want to do and sometimes end up jumping between things or trying to do multiple things at once. I’m trying to factor efficiency into enjoyment and it doesn’t work… all it does is make me restless (an important point… I will come back to this) and possibly triggers anxiety.

When I reflect on my age and the fact that I’m still not married, I’m aware the situation is only getting worse by virtue of the fact that I’m getting older, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

Sometimes I just need more time to think. A difficulty I have in pursuing a romantic relationship is that I need thinks to move slowly so I can process it… especially given the potential for social anxiety triggers (which is why I seek somebody I feel safe around). But I’ve tend to found that women I’m interested in who are potentially interested in me seem to expect things to move faster. But I find it so difficult. I need more time to process.

I struggle in face-to-face technical meetings or watching presentations because I need more time to process and digest what is being said before I can fully understand. When people are trying to persuade me one way or another, I sometimes don’t realise their point until later on in that same day (often while driving home) when the penny suddenly drops.

In general, the world moves at a faster pace than I can process it.

I remember as a very young child not understanding the concept of change. I was 4 years old and I would always be 4 years old. My sibling would always be the age they were and my parents would always be the age they were. Nothing changed. But I was wrong. Things change over time and there’s nothing we can do about it.

Time is the unstoppable force.

When I’m tied up I shut time off completely. I am not only escaping my fear of people and of responsibility and blame, I am also escaping time. Through this one activity I can feel safe from these things I fear, and as a bonus I get a hugging sensation and sexual gratification. My needs are met and my fears are locked out.

Or rather, that is the lie of the flesh.

Bringing it together.

I wish to bring together above points about time, relationships, safety, and the climbing analogy.

In a relationship I’m looking for somebody I feel safe around, especially when it comes to being open and honest about my fetish. But how do I feel safe without first testing that safety harness? I have to take steps towards doing it but sometimes I’m too nervous to take even the first. The first check of the harness feels like a commitment to all the future checks as I open up more and more. With each check we also grow closer and feelings grow stronger. If it’s not at the pace I feel safest at then things end and her feelings are hurt. I can deal with hurting my own feelings but I don’t want to hurt somebody else’s. Not again. As I bring up the possibility of a relationship with a woman, the timer starts. I must be ready to make safety checks and I don’t know if I’ll be able to do so at the pace I want. And if it gets tough I don’t want to end everything and hurt her feelings. I think of it like jumping off a moving train…. Once the train starts, you’re on. There’s no way of getting off without getting hurt unless the train comes to a natural stop first.

I just want to know and feel that I can be safe around someone before she becomes that special someone.

 

Day 75

Stress: 7/10, Temptation: 7/10

Note the new feature there… following a conversation in another thread earlier I’ve decided to start adding some kind of metric to stress and temptation levels. It’s not really this simple, I know. But I’m a scientist and I’m curious to see what correlates with what, and these figures are better than nothing.

Today started tough but ended not bad.

It started with a bad night’s sleep. I find it difficult to sleep on an empty stomache and I woke up in the middle of the night feeling hungry, but I’m trying to make myself less dependent on eating for falling asleep again. I don’t think PMO temptations were strong at this point but I needed distracting from the hunger, so I did a few chores and was later able to fall asleep (having gone back into bed, of course!).

I woke up feeling pretty weak, though.

Had a really stressful morning following some frustrating updates from a meeting I had which resulted in more stuff for me to do. However my reaction alerted me to a way temptation manifests itself that I hadn’t noticed before but on reflection, probably has happened on multiple occasions:

In that moment it felt like I was tempted not out of lust but purely out of frustration. As in, my lust or libido wasn’t tempting me to give in, but I was so frustrated I just had this urge to do what I wanted out of complete defiance. “Screw goals… screw NoFap…. screw it all…. I just want to drop everything and indulge in my temptations because I can, and I need to vent this frustration somehow”.

Thankfully, I didn’t.

Also thankfully, work stuff picked up after that. The rest of the day ended up being super productive. Temptations were strong towards the end and my brain felt tired. I tried to do my quiet time after finishing work but most of it was spent praying against temptation since it was so strong. I ended up just letting my mind wander, letting it spend its energy until it was calm again. Kind of like letting a child burn out all of their energy to help them sleep (have I used that analogy before? I think I have haha). Anyway that worked, and I’ve been okay since

Happy weekend everyone!

 

Day 76

Stress 4/10, Temptation 5/10

A very fragmented day, which I prefer to avoid. Being busy isn't the problem - the problem is switching activities too frequently. Unfortunately it's hard to avoid.

I had to do extra work today, but interrupted by the various other tasks. These were a workout in the morning, potential buyers visiting my flat for a viewing in the afternoon, and helping my parents with some tasks (then staying around for dinner, which I'm waiting for as I write). It's funny how I've been reflecting that my dependence on them for so much of my life may have contributed to my desire for safety, and yet now as they get older I must do more and more to look after them.

For the viewing my estate agents had a key, so I went for a walk to get out of their way. When I'm viewing places it feels awkward when the current occupant is there, so I thought I'd spare my viewers the same awkwardness

 

Day 77 - Lucky Sevens!

Stress 3/10, Temptation 3/10

Almost as soon as I had posted yesterday I got asked to cover somebody else's role at church today as they couldn't make it due to unforeseen circumstances. I didn't mind too much but it meant a bit of unexpected preparation last night. My church is quite small... filling in for each other, and even having multiple roles in a single service, is quite common. Before I joined this church I was used to being in larger churches where rotas work on a monthly basis. Moving to this church was quite eye-opening in this respect... it's easy to take the resources of a larger church for granted.

After I finished prep I played some FFXIV and my guild were encouraging me to join them on Discord. Somehow I just didn't feel like it, and I realised I don't really ever want to. Something about chatting by voice with people I only know online sort of bothers me... from a social anxiety perspective I feel I'm not really ready for it. I think there's also an aspect of it making the game become too addictive if I let it become too social. Sure, social is a good thing, but I'm already trying to reduce the time I spend on it.

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Anyway, today. I woke up thinking about a scene I mentioned a few posts ago – a foreign language one of which I don’t think I remember enough details about to rediscover. Something about the mystery of not knowing how to rediscover this scene makes me want to try. It's funny how when I wake up with a temptation it seems to be mainly focused on one thing.

I spent a lot of time in the morning meditating on the temptations. Not indulging them but observing them. I was also reflecting on past indulgences for the purpose of trying to remind myself that it was enough (even though they should never have happened at all); an attempt to put it all behind me and move on. Further meditation will be required for this. I was planning on writing about this much more actually, but I'm not feeling too well all of a sudden this evening and not sure I can handle the amount of thinking this would require!

I felt fine until church at mostly at church, but suddenly came over feeling rather fatigued after I got home and especially after my dinner, so I'm just gonna try and rest up for the rest of the evening.
I caught my eyes wandering more than I would have liked while I was out. Not overly tempted but tempted nonetheless.

 

Day 78

Stress 3/10, Temptations 3/10

So feeling ill yesterday – I also had a mouth ulcer (and still do). I wonder if it was just my immune system kicking in in case anything bad was getting in through the ulcer? In any case I wasn’t so bad today, though I could tell my immune system had been busy!

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I decided to try and get back into some good habits in my lunchbreak that I had fallen out of during lockdown: longer walks and memorising scripture while doing so. For years I had been taking long walks at lunch and attempting to memorise the book of Romans. It really did take years and I pretty much got there at one point, though quickly forgot parts as I switched to trying to memorise different books. Success was never really the point anyway – the point was (and is) to keep my mind focussed on scripture and as a bonus benefit from the mindfulness of the task. Anyway, with lockdown I somehow fell out of the habit of longer walks, possibly because I had more temptation to spend lunchbreaks on the PS4. And since that habit broke, so did the scripture memorisation. I still did walks, but only for 10-15 minutes up and down the road.

There are two reasons I’ve suddenly decided to get my act together and get back into this habit:

• The issues I’ve been having with running – it may be that the reduced lengths of my walks have contributed to my legs getting weaker. Perhaps longer walks at lunch will bring some strength back.
• The need to fill my mind with something holy. I feel like a recurring point that keeps coming up on NoFap is that it’s not enough to just not think about P; we need to fill our heads with something more wholesome. Otherwise, we create a mental vacuum that sucks up any evil thought that passes by. Some of you may have seen an article I recently posted on the group page which relates to this.

I’ve noticed lately that meditating on temptations without PMO helps those temptations to subside…. But really it’s God I should be meditating on. Of course, we can be open and honest with Him in prayer and talk about our temptations and even cry out in frustration as David does in the psalms. This honesty is a helpful and important part of our recovery. But I really don’t meditate on scripture as much as I used to, and it’s time to fix that. Memorising scripture, or even attempting to, is such a good way to do that.

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Regarding meditation and following my thoughts about the scene I mentioned yesterday and before, I got to wondering about the fact that scenes from TV shows have a particular appeal to me. I’m hesitant to go into detail as I’m not sure what it really necessary for dissecting and/or venting what’s on my mind at this point, but when I’m watching a scene from a TV show, I’m not inside the mind of the character but inside the mind of the actress who portrays her.

There is at least one website where people find and catalogue excepts from interviews with actresses about bondage scenes they have to do, taken from magazines, TV interviews, DVD commentaries or whatever. Of course, the interviews are usually more general but whoever curates this site will clip the text when a bondage scene comes up in the discussion. I used to love flicking through these because they do what I’ve craved: they put me in the woman’s head during such situations. Sometimes the interviews make it clear the actress was uncomfortable and I don’t get off on it at all. But sometimes the actresses are completely ‘matter-of-fact’ about it as if a bondage scene is just another day in the office, or even enjoying it to some degree (not necessarily in a kinky way, just for the novelty or adrenaline or some other reason) – such comments are exactly what the flesh wants to read.

Long scenes or long collections of scenes throughout one or more episodes mean an actress has probably spent even longer in bondage, if you consider the time required for reshoots, direction, etc. Sometimes these scenes are shot over multiple days and I get such a thrill simply from knowing just that (my time on the interview website is how I know this). Anyway, the scene(s) I keep thinking about lately are among such long scenes.

The past few paragraphs aren’t new revelations but I feel there’s more to unpack. Another story I’ve wanted to draw is from the perspective of such an actress. It’s another area where I don’t feel I have closure* but I often feel tempted to explore. However through meditation and openness and honesty with God perhaps there is a more wholesome way to unpack this.

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But more importantly than this I have to be more serious about meditating on His word. If I am to reflect or meditate on my problems, I must do so equipped with the knowledge of His scriptures so that I may not fall into temptation.

* Closure is a topic I keep meaning to share about. It’s written up but I’m trying to pace out my posts that reflect on the past.

 

Day 79

Stress 5/10 Temptation 2.5/10

An interesting morning temptation-wise. I had a dream in which I reset. Again, it was remarkably vivid. However when I woke up I wasn't tempted at all... under after I had my morning coffee. At this point the urges were insane... I have read that caffeine increases libido and there have been multiple morning where this has happened. Anyway, once I got going, the urges subsided again.

A much more stressful day, though. It felt difficult to make progress at work because it has another very fragmented day where I struggled to focus on a single thing. Furthermore I got feedback from a viewing of my flat which was rather negative, and on one point made no sense. It was slightly frustrating and a bit of a distraction for the afternoon.

That said, it motivated me to deal with a few things relating to my planned move that I'd been putting off. So in a way I was grateful that this incident spurred me into action somewhat.

Again I took a longer lunchtime walk while meditating on Romans, currently chapter 1. The ending paragraphs got me thinking

"And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done." - Romans 1:28

The sections surrounding and including this verse talk about how people had fallen into sin - including sexually immorality - because they had failed to acknowledge God despite the clear evidence of His existence that had been there for all of time.

'Because' is a key word here.... because they did not acknowledge God, He gave them over to sin. Now flip that on its head:

If we acknowledge God, He will not give us over to sin.

So often we fear there is no way out of the cycle of PMO. But we only need to fear this if we do not acknowledge God. If however we do acknowledge God, we will never truly be lost or given over to this evil, even if recovery feels like a long, slow process.

 

Day 80!

Stress 2/10 Temptation 2/10

An interesting dream this morning based on a sin from my teenage years which I and others were guilty of but all except me were punished for it... I my cowardice I denied anything. In the dream a current boss called me out on it (even though in reality it didn't concern him at all), but I still wussed out and failed to own up.

I don't like to try too hard to interpret dreams but this probably follows recent thoughts on self-conviction and how my fears would be alleviated if I trusted God's love for me more.

The actual, real life event is a good example of how I'm often attacked by guilt and by my own mind. What happened was that I broke a calculator in a maths lesson and half in panic half for the comedy of it I threw the thing out of the window and onto a roof of the floor below. Somehow others started doing the same with other calculators, but that first was on me. Somehow the head of maths knew it was our class and in a later lesson were were all questioned on it. Others owned up or were ratted out by others, but I sat tight, completely denied any wrongdoing and completely got away with it. I was more afraid of them fining my parents and them being mad at me than I really was of the teachers themselves.

This is a good example of my tendency to lie as a fight or flight response. I have done this countless times and event lied to myself in the process in order to try and justify my own cowardice. I've always feared authority, which has often lead to me being a complete suck-up or flat out denying any wrongdoing even if others involved still get punished.

How this relates to my fear of conviction and the argument in my head however is that I obsess over past sin that has gone uncorrected, no matter how small. Continuing with the same example, here is my inner dialogue that often torments my obsessive mind:

• "I never paid for the calculator I broke, so I have often thought that I should send some money to that school. That's what God would want me to do."
• "But I'm slightly embarassed... it's just one calculator and well over 20 years ago. The school would just think I'm weird and making a fuss over nothing?"
• "But if I had stolen something bigger like a car [ignore the fact I wouldn't have been driving then!] surely I'd need to own up to that?"
  
• "But if I had stolen a paperclip nobody would expect me to go to the effort of returning that?"
• "So where is the line?!"
• "I've broken all sorts of big or small things that I haven't owned up to. Surely I'm technically still a thief if I haven't returned even the smallest things I have stolen?"
  
• "In a way the sins I correct I'd only be doing because God tells me to, not because of love for the people concerned... so maybe I should wait until it's out of love?"
• "But that's no excuse to keep on sinning!"

I could go on for ages. There are times when my mind is really tormented by such things. But in summary, I get stuck between knowing that it would be right to fix some past mistakes on the one hand, even though I'm forgiven by God regardless, but feeling that I'm overthinking and being obsessive on the other.

I know I overthink. But I don't know what's overthinking and what's a genuine issue that needs to be address. My anxiety and obsessive thoughts distort my view of reality in this sense. It's one of many reasons I'm indecisive.

I'm attacked in this way when reading scripture sometimes. Am I overthinking this passage? What if we, and the translators, have got it wrong? Am I overthinking this passage or do we really need to be sure it's right?

I'm not good with subjectivity. I need a line. I know that the line is drawn at the cross but it's easy to forget. This is where I often struggle to remember the love that God has for me. This is where fear attacks me. This morning's dream was a reminder of the torment my mind throws at me sometimes.

Somebody once prayed for me and got a picture of a TV aerial picking up a lot of noise. I'm trying to tune in on the truth or the Gospel, which I know is there, but there's a serious amount of background noise interrupting it - the chitter-chatter of my mind's many voices scrambling to deal with every possible interpretation of a situation out of complete fear of getting it wrong to the extent that - one way or another - I end up in hell.

I know it's nonsense, but it's nonetheless a tool the enemy frequently uses against me. I feel that so many of my fears, anxieties and the behaviours that result would be resolved if I could truly tune in on the knowledge of God's unconditional love for me. Please pray against this.

In my mad scramble for a feeling of safety, whether in the form of obsessive thoughts, compulsive lying, PMO or other, this is the greatest fear I seek shelter from - the fear of judgement from God. I know I needn't fear God because I am adopted into His family through the love he showed us through Christ, but too often I don't feel it as much as I would if I truly, truly understood the full extent of God's love for me.

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Anyway, today has been great for work - really productive. I didn't manage my walk + scripture memorisation at lunch because for various reasons it was more practical for me to be at home. However I spent most of the time getting through chores that involved me being on my feet.

 

Day 81

Stress: 2, Temptation: 1

Not much to report today except that it's been a pretty good day. A productive work day without being a stressful one, and with the exception of the usual urges upon waking up I don't think there were any other periods of strong urges.

Feeling pretty chill now after an extended quiet time, listening to a talk before getting into my usual prayer time.

I'm going to stay with a friend for a few days over the weekend so not sure if I'll find much time for posting. I will involve a big of a drive, but that's fine by me. Driving is good meditation time... these days if I'm expecting to drive across towns on the motorway I prefer to use it as such rather than listen to the radio. The exception is morning drives to work when I listen to my favourite radio show.

 

Back after a busy but overall fun weekend! I went to stay with an old friend and his wife and kids. There's a heck of a lot to process and reflect on from this weekend, and hopefully writing about it below will help.

As I wrote the below, I felt it appropriate to return to this point to bring up a fear I've often had about myself: that I fear the selfish side of myself. I sometimes get scared that I don't really love others in my life. I know it's ludicrous when I think about the love I have for my parents and my friends. But fear (e.g. my fear of honesty and my fear of blame) have led me to act selfishly on impulse and others have accused me of being selfish as a result. Of course, none of us are 100% selfless, and I know I have a lot of work to do. But in times of guilt I often forget my selfless side exists.

I'm really scared that if and when I find a life partner, I won't truly love her. I sometimes only feel driven to pursue romance for the wrong reasons: because I'm ashamed of the possibility of dying a virgin or because I feel like everybody else expects me to get married and have kids. I want to find somebody I genuinely enjoy being around, and genuinely care for. But my fear of opening up - especially knowing I have to open up about my fetish - saps the enjoyment out of potential romance. And returning to the original point - I get scared that I won't truly love them to the extent that I care for them and would die for them.

Anyway - here's the weekend and how it relates to these fears of mine. It's a bit of a jumble - jumping from topic to topic - but I think that serves to reflect the confusion I face day-to-day.

Day 82

Stress 5, Temptation 3

It was difficult to get through work things before going away, and I got a bit flustered trying to fit in packing a couple of bags with getting work stuff done in time to get away at a reasonable time and beat the worst of the traffic.

However the drive was calming, as I hope it would be, with plenty of time to think and meditate as I drove. I don't think I had any particularly strong relevations from it but it certainly did the job of refreshing my mind. I stuck the radio on towards the end though, as the white noise of the road was making me a bit sleepy.

It was great to see my friend and his family. I'm so happy for him and what he has, and pleased to see that his kids were happy too. This thought would recur many times throughout the weekend and really got me thinking about how nice it would be to be in a good marriage (I'm not sure if I want kids, though).

Day 83

Stress 1, Temptation 5

We spent the day exploring a popular tourist spot here in the UK, a very beautiful and historic town. It's the sort of place my various international friends would love to explore. Sometimes I have feelings for women among these friends, and when I walk around places like where we visited on this day I feel like I really want to share it with them - not because I want to date them, but because I want them to be happy and I know they would really enjoy it. These thoughts are important for me to remember because on such occasions I can tell I am interested in others' happiness and not my own. This was also obvious from seeing the happiness of my friend and his family, and thinking about other close friends of mine who have the same.

However I also had many impure thoughts throughout the day.

At the cafe where we got our lunch the waitresses were incredibly attractive, all dressed up in a way that I particularly like and is somewhat common for waitresses, in the UK at least. It occurs to me that waitresses might be a sort of 'mini-fetish', along with women in gym gear. Anyway, one in particular, a stunning blonde with the body type that appeals to my lusts, was hard for me to ignore and not fantasize about with respect to my 'main' fetish. The peace I had felt from exploring the town suddenly took second place to the lusts of my heart.

Walking around the place later my mind switched between pure and impure thoughts - enjoying the day and the fellowship most of the time but becoming distracted when an attractive lady walked past. We went rowing later on and there were a few boats with young couples on just romantically rowing together. On the one hand I was happy that they could be having such a nice time and that we were having a nice time - on the other hand I'd be checking the female of the couple out.

Talking to my friend and his wife, the topic of dating came up quite a lot throughout the weekend also, as I explained the difficulty of finding someone who shares the calling God has for me or could grow to share it. The problem is that sometimes I might try talking to women who don't share it but keep the possibility of the interest growing in mind - but if somebody who looks like they may share my calling does come along my attention shifts and priorities change - and I let the women without the calling go. I don't want to lead women on and mess them around in this way (another sign that I'm not only thinking of my own interests after all, I suppose). But explaining this dilemma to my friends on this evening helped me to listen to myself and realise just how confused I am about all of this. It might be hard to find somebody without casting a wide net on the one hand, but on the other hand I don't want to hurt anybody by doing so and I don't want to be distracted from my calling.

I've been distracted from it before by somebody who thought they could grow to share it but once it became clear they couldn't we ended things and there was a lot of pain. I'm so scared of this happening again.

And the fears I have of opening up my fetish to a potential wife are a huge issue for me also - but the friends I stayed with this weekend don't know about this so I couldn't seek their advice in this respect. This will always be an issue because I'm terrified of opening up about my fetish to people who know me in person.

Day 84 (Today)

Stress 1, Temptation 4

Today I drove home in the morning, got lunch, then on to church before coming home again. It was all pretty tiring, but not necessarily in a stressful way. Again, lots of time to meditate while driving around, but no revelations of any kind came to mind that I can recall now.

I actually can't remember if this was on day 83 or 84, but at some point the friend I've wrestled with fantasies about the most popped up on my dating app. Even though she was dressed modestly in these pictures the sight of her still drove my fantasies wild.

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What struck me about this weekend was how quickly my mind could switch between pure things and lustful things. One minute I was thinking about the beautiful aspects of dating, relationships, family and nature; the next I was thinking about how I wanted to tie up a busty blonde waitress or an attractive friend, leading to urges to forget about the pursuit of a relationship and indulge in self-bondage instead.

The two extremes here really do feel so tangibly different. The pure extreme is selfless - I'm happy for the people around me who are in good relationships and have families and I feel a love for them all. It's also reassuring to observe my own selflessness (even thought there's still work to be done). However The other extreme is completely selfish - desperate for self-gratification. Both extremes even feel physically different. The former one of peace and love is calm and somewhat warm - in the latter case when I'm full of lust I feel as though as I've been overcome by some drug sloshing around in my head that transforms me into some kind of animal. I feel that the physical difference really alerts me to the fact that the former is right an the latter is wrong.

 

I will DM you to elaborate, but essentially that's one of the areas I'm intentionally ambiguous about on public posts given how in depth I am about the fetish - it's very niche so if people who know me in person stumble upon this journal various pieces of information when pieced together might reveal who I am. I'm extremely cautious about this sort of thing!

I obscure the exact nature of my work, my location within the UK and various other minor details for the same reason.

That said I'm happy to share these details with regular members via DM

 

Day 85

Stress 4, Temptation 5

Today's a national holiday in the UK, but I had to do some work anyway due to an overseas deadline. Still, I took it easy upon waking up and gradually eased myself into a working pattern.

I also chatted with overseas friends at lunchtime. Great as always to catch up with them.

Temptations were strong today, unfortunately, and when I woke up they were stronger than normal for that time of day. As usual also they were particularly strong after lunch, and I spent some time meditating on them. They passed eventually and I got back into doing some work.

Although I'm working on a national holiday I plan to compensate by taking it much easier next week. I will need to remain busy for the remainder of this week though.

 

Day 86

Stress 5, Temptation 6, Motivation 3

I've decided to add motivation to the things I attempt to track, because it was noticeably low today and in the past it feels like it has correlated with temptation.

Temptations were stronger today and I was very much in the mindset of not wanting to give up. This and a lack of motivation seem to follow days where I've pushed myself too hard, like yesterday. I've thought before that perhaps pushing myself too hard might be harming my willpower with respect to fighting PMO and in general, and I don't think I've taken this possibility seriously enough. This needs to change.

It's great that I’m so close to 90 days, but I fear my motivation to resist will significantly wane after that... as though I've proven to myself that this common goal is possible so it will be okay to let go and just do it again. But I know this is a lie and that as we've often said it is just a number.

I got thinking earlier that letting go of the fetish feels scary in a way. I don't know a life without it... in a way I am entering the unknown. The flesh is not happy about this... even without the sexual gratification a life without these fantasies seems scary to the sin within me. But that only means that I'm on the right path and doing what God wants! So please pray I will stay on this path.