Wrestling with a fetish all my life

Hey, thank you Actually I couldn't get the video to load (I use a special browser to protect my privacy but it doesn't seem to like embedded videos)... however I did search the guy on YouTube using your suggested search terms and watched the first video that came up. Indeed, very interesting and definitely something I'll be coming back to. Thank you!

 

Get your kicks on Day 66!

I woke up with insanely strong, uncomfortable temptations this morning and resisting left me feeling really tired. This appears to have had an effect on my motivation throughout the day as it’s been very hard to push myself to get stuff done. That said, My motivation’s been weaker since I pushed myself to work on Saturday. Time for a more chilled evening, I think.

I did some (wholesome!) drawing today, and this has helped my mood somewhat. It also felt like a release without drawing anything sexual. I hope can encourage myself to do this more!

 

Thanks for sharing this, this is helpful. It is this sort of situation I hope to avoid. Personally, I feel as though any further climbing I do now would be purely out of pride. I'm earning enough money. I enjoy doing the technical work and I find it stressful to manage people and budgets. Yet there's always a part of my that wants to climb partly so I can walk around calling myself a manager and partly because I feel people would expect me too. But in all honesty, I already have so much more than I need or even want.

I do actually think I would be a good manager in a sense, but I would only be good by sacrificing my health and my personal life.

There is stress where I am now. I have a lot of say in how people and money in my project are managed - I just can't sign off on any of it. But I think the stress I have now can be fixed by careful analysis of what's wrong and adjusting my working style accordingly.

 

You're welcome And I don't mind discussing work stuff in my journal if it relates to the challenges I face in my Journey. Indeed, @CPilot's input has been helpful to me too! Thank you

Day 67

Following the recommendations from @Untamed_fantasy, I watched a couple of other Jordan Peterson videos yesterday. Indeed I found his one on social anxiety interesting so I decided to give his other stuff a go. A recurring point was about fixing things around us, especially small habitual things which, when you consider them all, take up a significant portion of our lives. At first I could see where he was going but was concerned (and to some extent still am) that it would enable my more obsessive side when it comes to my attention to detail and time management. I already obsess over trying to optimise every little thing I did to the extent that it probably makes me more stressed.

But, thinking about it this morning, I was suddenly inspired to fix one little thing. I'm often pretty disciplined at cleaning up after my meal each evening, though I get frustrated when it takes longer than I expect. For example, I often finish washing all the dishes etc only to realise that the counter tops need wiping down too, and sometimes there's ground coffee over the worktop having been a bit careless scooping it out earlier on the day. There may be other spillages too. The thing is, because I rush so much making coffee, pouring sauces etc, I actually end up making a mess. I keep thinking that by taking more care I'd save myself more work later on but never put it into practice.

But this morning I decided to change that, starting by fixing my coffee-making routine. Not only would I take more care scooping out the coffee into the cafetiere, but I would put a plate under the thing so any spillage doesn't go all over the worktop. I did some cleaning on my lunch break. Crumbs on the floor which could easily have been prevented. The sides of my tray have broken off so it isn't really fit for purpose. Time to get a new one. Then a bit less cleaning in the future. Simple. These are small things, I know, but small things add up. I rush around a lot in an attempt to be efficient and control what I can't, and it just creates more problems. It's time to be more mindful again.

---

Otherwise today, motivation has suffered again. I was lethargic while working and lethargic while running. Another poor run again, too. But at least my resting heart rate is nice and low; as low as when I'm performing normally. So it's not too bad.

Intense temptation upon waking up again, though. Woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep, all the while the flesh trying to tempt me to touch myself. I often end up spending the energy by rubbing arm or something... almost as though I'm masturbating that! But it also helps to get up and do something, in this case changing my bedsheets. This activity successfully curbed temptation, and I later had breakfast while doing my morning Bible reading. I then fell asleep again until my alarm got me up.

 

Agreed, @Tao Jones, your wise words are always appreciated here

Day 68

My brain feels weird today. As always I woke up severely tempted but managed to shake it off. But my brain just felt so tired after. It was also really hard to motivate myself to work yet again, and it didn't help that I had two meetings on the morning. I just ended up drawing while in one call, though still able to pay attention!

I was actually drawing on-and-off all day, though still working for the most part, as I'm supposed to! But devoting thinking power was just so hard with my tired brain. Doing something creative and less mentally demanding was a helpful break.

I was drawing female characters, but absolutely not in bondage situations, and I didn't feel any urge to do so. I still don't. Again, despite having an insane sex drive in the morning, even while drawing women in the day I felt no compulsion to draw them in bondage situations whatsoever. And yes drawing was certainly releasing some kind of tension within me, as did drawing male characters over the past few days, so there's definitely some psychological reward from it that isn't sexual.

Even if the thought of self-bondage came up, I felt no compulsion to it. In my weaker moments I try to work out about a suitable day to entertain a reset under the illusion of 'getting it all out of my system'. But even if I entertain that thought over the past few days I suddenly feel no compulsion to do it. Not wanting to ruin 68 days' progress is definitely a part of that, but today in particular it just felt like I wouldn't enjoy it if I did.

As I mentioned a few days ago I haven't really felt as though I've craved much hunting-and-seeking either. One exception was an urge to revisit a video I discovered early in my relapse a couple of years ago, though I probably wouldn't find it... it was a scene from some foreign-language drama and I can't remember the name of the show or the actress or even what language it was. It occurred to me then that a common theme in a relapse is that they can start with me desperately trying to rediscover an old video I remember, hunting for it obsessively, but then just getting lost in all the other things I stumble upon without finding the video I was originally looking for. But anyway, aside from this one exception from whatever country it was, I really haven't felt much compulsion to online content at all lately.

So it's weird... today I feel like I'm craving some kind of sexual release but not from the usual stuff for me. I'm not craving 'regular' porn or sex either because I've never experienced either. But I've had similar experiences to this here and there since the relapse two years ago. Even though I was back into this stuff for a while, something felt different in a good way. It's very very hard to put into words.... it's like even when I fail I feel different about the failure, and/or I'm not enjoying it as much as I once did and I'm aware that this is the case. It's like I'm doing it more for my mind and obsessive compulsions and less-so for my sex drive. I have also nonetheless given in to urges during such times, so I am by no means being complacent my current state of mind and my lethargy in response to any potential desire to give in.

So, I'm currently lethargic towards my fetish and lethargic to my work. I've got a whole evening free and will probably use that to play on the PS4... and yet somehow I'm lethargic about that.

There's a busy weekend ahead so I hope I can enjoy my evening. Tomorrow I have various bits of shopping to do in the morning. That means out and about in the town center in the summer, which means lots of ladies in summer clothes, so I'll need to be vigilant and keep my eyes away.

Hope y'all have a nice weekend!

 

Very encouraging, thank you. With respect to the first paragraph, even before recent years I was losing interest in some of the stuff I'd look up. It actually feels likes over the years what I've been interested in has snowballed and grown larger and larger, but perhaps in the past 5 years or so 'layers' of that have started to fall away. When I've been tempted recently my tastes have become more and more particular, and it feels like they are closing in on some of the core aspects of this fetish from earlier in its development.

There was a time in my teenage years and perhaps 20s when almost any scene of an attractive woman bound and gagged would turn me on. It would come on TV and as long as nobody was around I would stick my hand down my trousers and get to it in an instant. But now I'm only turned on of she's tied up in one of a very few specific ways and under very specific circumstances. I can watch some scenes without flinching. Something inside is stirring, but there's very little drive to take it further.

And I agree with your second paragraph too. I've been trying habit replacement. It's hard to break a habit but much easier to create a new one, so I try to form habits that make me less likely to fap. I rub my arm instead of my penis when I get a surge of temptation in the morning. I do this almost automatically now. I dry off and get dressed immediately after getting out of the shower. Stuff like this. I imagine that sir Isaac and yourself refer to bigger, more constructive things such as hobbies, and I'd agree there too. This is what I'm trying to achieve with more wholesome drawing.

But I would also say that an advantage of me being a busy person is that it makes less time for entertaining the fetish. My more particular tastes require more time to entertain (drawing out long detailed stories, longer time in self bondage, etc), but I very rarely have that time these days. I'm usually busy with things that are in some way constructive or social, so again it's replacement with wholesome activities.

 

Day 69

Actually, I'll start with last night, which was good in an unexpected way. I was playing Final Fantasy XIV (side note - that's where that part of my username comes from... and sort of the rest!) and ended up getting closer to members of my guild (or 'Free Company' in this game). Normally with online gaming I'm pretty shy, as I'm slow to learn games and don't want to embarrass myself online. I don't often chat much with other members of the FC, just say hi as I log in etc. Another member of the FC wanted a favour which I was able to help with, and through that we got chatting. We ended up forming a party with others in our FC (which I hadn't done yet) and attempting a boss battle together. We actually failed rather catastrophically, but it totally got us all bonding and it was fun regardless. So, I'm making even more friends there as well as here. Yes, I have friends offline too! But I find it hard to make time for them as most of them live in other towns. This is one motivation for me to try and move soon.

Anyway... today! Went shopping, mainly for clothes but also food. I hate clothes shopping... I find it incredibly tedious. Sure, I like buying nice clothes when I find them, but the looking and trying on I find tiring. The shopping trip wasn't too bad at first; I went kinda early and I like the atmosphere being out and about on a Summer morning. But as I bought more stuff and it got warmer and the town got busy it became more stressful. I didn't get everything I needed but decided to return home to allow myself some chill time. There weren't too many temptations while I was out and about, thankfully.

In general I'm still feeling less tempted and less motivate to indulge my fetish. It really does feel like something in my head is changing, but I know better than to get complacent.

May not find time to post tomorrow as I'm attending a family gathering all day. It will mean getting home later than I'd like on a Sunday - I prefer to be home late afternoon and wind down before work starts the next day - so I hope I can nonetheless feel refreshed and ready to go on Monday morning! Prayers would be appreciated please

 

Day 70!

Was nice seeing family today. It was tiring to be out all day but worth it because I hardly see them. Also my parents needed me to drive them there, and I wanted them to be able to go.

I wasn't going to post today but felt like I needed to record that today I haven't been met with a feeling of wanting to give up. Right now I feel please with my 70 days and there's no war in my mind. Right now I'm happy to stay like this forever.

Of course the sex drive will kick in at some point and the war will probably return. But right now I'm praising God for right now, and the progress I've made so far.

 

Day 71

I can't believe I missed this...

My difficulty with my legs being weaker when running. I don't stretch anymore. It may not be the solution but it's a pretty obvious thing to start trying again and I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner... not least because you're supposed to do it anyway!

I only stretch when I feel like I need to, and I really haven't felt like I've needed to for a very long time as I've gotten stronger thanks to all the hill running I do. If I do a long-distance run I stretch afterwards, but that's because I feel like I need to, and it's still very rare that I do those anyway (I used to do them regularly).

I felt as though stretching was a waste of time if I didn't feel as though I need to do it. I find it very tedious and boring! But at the moment I'm having to slow down to a walk anyway, which also takes time.

It's yet another lesson that if we try too hard to be efficient with time and rush through our activities, we just make some mistake which takes up our time anyway. I'm often failing in this respect in all walks of life. I'm the hare... time to become the tortoise!

Also, if I say I'm too strong to need to stretch then that's pride talking. I've hurt myself running before, and pride has often been to blame in one way or another. I overtrained for my first half marathon because I was determined to finish in under 2 hours (I didn't!).... I hurt my knee and had to give up running for a couple of months. I was determined to finally finish a marathon, but the mental stress of the training schedule became too much. Physically I was on track. Mentally I was falling apart. I had to give up my place. I still haven't run a marathon to date, as much as I want to.

---

Otherwise today: some temptations but no feelings as though I want to give up. Work exacerbates temptation for sure, especially working from home.

 

Day 72

I mentioned in a thread by somebody else earlier that in addition to my usual stuff I had recently started getting off on ASMR videos. Bringing this up triggered a lot of memories, or rather memories of ideas that I never got to explore fully before my current streak.

Trigger warning for anybody into ASMR, Damsels in Distress or Bondage.

ASMR videos aren’t inherently sexual, and they come in many forms, including female whispers, which were becoming another source of temptation for me. Other ASMR ones, in particular ones of non-human sounds, can be quite relaxing for me, as they can be intended to be. But female whispers are a danger zone. There are many channels in which women are up close to the camera, whispering away some dialogue, which often follow some theme or story.

And yes, kidnap scenarios are among them. The idea I became severely tempted by was to tie myself up in front of my widescreen TV with a playlist of these videos running, pretending I was the guy kidnapped by these girls in these videos. I never made it this far but I certainly still spent a lot of time watching them this year before my current streak. However as has been the case with other videos I used as fetish fuel, I could never find the perfect one. Really I wanted to build on my fantasy of being a tied-up woman, but in all these videos the YouTuber was kidnapping a man. There were some of men kidnapping women, but I couldn’t get off on video of a guy and didn’t want to anyway. I wanted a woman-on-woman video, and then with the right scenario taking place – not too much peril or creepiness. No such video existed, but my sex drive wouldn’t accept it and I kept searching.

Now, hearing a woman whisper 'loudly' (e.g. up close and/or on TV with the volume up) is a trigger, regardless of whether it's intentionally ASMR.

Voice aside, there are also many duct-tape ASMR videos. Duct-tape is of course a common method for gagging (or binding) someone, and the sound of it being rolled off the tape has a very pavolvian effect on me. In fact seeing it or even smelling the adhesive has this effect on me too. There are many ASMR videos of women making various sounds with the tape, putting it on their own mouths, etc.

So yeah, ASMR was becoming a problem. Writing about it earlier has had it on my mind all day, hence why I’m writing about it now. I need to vent this somehow. I actually felt pretty close to searching for ASMR on YouTube earlier, and therefore very close to a reset. I couldn't concentrate on my quiet time with God because I kept thinking about this stuff.

My interest in ASMR from a sexual perspective is relatively new, and novel ideas are a very strong trigger for me (there’s a ‘Your Brain on Porn’ article somewhere on the sexual appeal of novelty). It occurred to me as I was writing that I would go so far as to say that for me to search is almost a reflex response to a new idea. When I’ve had a new idea for finding material I want (e.g. exactly what phrase to run through Google, YouTube etc.), I do it almost automatically. In fighting PMO, it’s important we recognise our reflexes… the things we with without or almost without thinking. These are in essence what habits are. Mindfulness helps with recognising such things. I’m glad I recognised today that new ideas have this effect on me… hopefully this will help me prevent such reflexive responses in the future.

I once wrote of how when the devil offers ‘all the kingdoms of the world’ as he did to Jesus in the desert (Luke 4: 5-8), for me ‘the world’ is the whole world of fetish material out there on the world wide web. I don’t need to rule the world, I just need the freedom to explore the world of ideas I have and that others have. What I’ve experienced through my fetish is just a fraction of the world the devil offers online. There’s so much I haven’t seen and the flesh wants so desperately to go out and find it. I probably have the finances to commission ASMR videos and bondage videos that would turn me on. With my artistic skills I could make cartoons or videos that would turn me on. I could share all this stuff and have other fetishists worship me. I could rule these kingdoms of sexual sin.

But no. I refuse to accept his offer. I worship Jesus Christ as Lord.

Verse 8: Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.’”

Every time I Google a new idea, or even an old one, I’m taking a step towards accepting the devil’s offer. It must not happen.