Occasional sex with wife

1. Don't blame your wife for your decision to masturbate every day. you made those choices, not her.
2. You're not that desperate, you're just used to escaping emotions and feelings with masturbation, you'll be fine withouth jerking off.
3. have you talked to her about this - or are you all of a sudden super handsy and pervy?
4. you don't have to wait for her to be in the mood - you could make an effort to get her into the mood - try cooking dinner, a massage, candles, quality time, a date night, etc
5. nothing you typed makes me thing she's cheating on you. 1-2x a month is well within the range of normal for a married couple, especially if both people work or you have kids.


advice: talk to her - have real conversations about connection and your sex life. do not blame her, it's not her fault you failed at communication.

 

Have you thought about simply not having sex during your reboot?

Many of us have found that a Hard-mode reboot is the most effective way to heal our sexualities from PMO addiction. (Meaning, no sexual stimulation at all for the period of reboot)

Video on that here:



I'm not married, so I can't speak as much to how to navigate that... But if you really want to be free from porn, and if you want to be able to sexually and emotionally show up well for your wife, then I think Hard-mode is something to consider

 

Again, that's your decision and lack of communication. Not her fault.

 

Both things can be solved by open communication.

 

I have a few comments here and you’re probably not gonna like what I have to say.

No that’s not the reason you masterbate almost everyday but I think you’ve already been told that now. That’s an excuse and not even a plausible explanation.

You’re desperate after only 7 days? My my, are your balls going to explode? When you’ve gone down this road long enough you learn that it’s all in your head. Trust me you won’t die.

This is the part I particularly wanted to focus in on. Do you think now that you quit masturbating for 7 days which is purely whiteknuckling that it's going to have an immediate impact on her? No! It won’t. Have you given any thought as to why she isn’t “in the mood”? Our counselor taught my husband not to try to convince me to have sex with him, but to convince me to want to have sex with him. Do all the right things not only will she want to have sex with you but she will want to have sex with you often. As for the masturbation part? I’ll get to that in a moment.

Everything before “BUT” gets negated when you use “BUT”. I’m sure there was a reason for it, and it was less to do with waiting another month or so and your inability to cope with life. But there was something else you said here tha caught my attention. If you wouldn’t last a minute, that is PIED. You have what is commonly referred to as premature ejaculation which is why you wouldn’t last more than a minute. Masturbation causes that. Don’t believe it? Go read up about it in here. There is no shortage of men who are experiencing it first hand in here.

If this were actually true you wouldn’t be jerking off. Seriously you wouldn’t. If you think about it your desperation says you don’t prefer “ladies first”. But keep telling yourself that.

If she is unaware of it, you need to talk to her. Don’t just come right out and start talking. There is a formalized disclosure process you’ll want to use to get the best results for both of you. The thing is, not telling her is lying by omission. Masturbating to other women is cheating on her. As far as the mood is concerned? Perhaps she doesn’t know exactly what is wrong but she knows something is wrong and she can’t put her finger on it. You have been betraying her this whole time and it is very unfair to her.

You’ve come in here to complain about being desperate to have an orgasm when what you need to focus on is repairing the damage done by PMO. You and you alone are responsible for that. And that may be a cold hard pill to swallow but it is one you need to swallow nonetheless. Any other approach will be short lived and likely result in a catastrophic outcome in the future. So if you truly want to do this then do it for the right reasons. Your wife will thank you and you’ll thank us too.

 

I think it’s C. She’s not physically available to you because you aren’t emotionally available to her. It’s probably not a conscious, vindictive thing either, she’s probably just not that into you right now. Again, because you haven’t shown you’re into her.

You’re used to getting regular O with only putting in minimal work. Now that you aren’t getting regular O, you’re even more short tempered & demanding. It usually takes about two weeks of abstinence for you to level off. Then, if your dependence on regular O isn’t too extensive, you start acting like a reasonable human being & it takes a little longer for you to establish considerate behavior at a consistent rate so she trusts you. Then she’ll want to be intimate with you more often. But you’re looking at significant time to rebuild that trust and in the meantime, if you treat her like a dirty sock and a handful of Vaseline, she’s not going to appreciate it.

In the real world, sexual gratification is not just a click away. Don’t blame her, either, this whole “I beat the meat ‘cuz she don’t put out” doesn’t wash. You could have had a discussion about it like adults, but I’d bet money you started porn first, unconsciously pulled away from her, and that’s why she’s not up for it more often.

 

Welcome to marriage

 

Many may disagree with me here, I'm not here to troll or debate. But despite how busy your wife is Im sure she could give you more sex. Sex is one of the most important components in a relationship. In my very humble opinion twice a month isn't enough. It probably isn't enough for 95 percent of men on this planet. Marriage , relationships are give and take..your not asking for much by any stretch of the imagination buddy.

 

Yall attacking and shaming this man, while his own wife has withdrawn a sex from him for ages... get a female who behaves and values you man, the one u have at home is not it. Besides, she already has another man, who bangs her

 

I have the same problem with my wife and it's not good.

I think that part of the problem is that at some point you and her got out of the habit of regularly having sex. Once you and her get out of the habit or regular sex, it can be hard to get back into the habit. Also, it's difficult to deal with being rejected when you have been diligently abstaining from PMO; I have found in the past that this rejection can cause me to relapse, which is a bad cycle to get into.

I suggest: Continue with Nofap/no PMO so that you are ready to go at any time, for at least 90 - 120 days. If things don't naturally improve with her, you need to talk to her and let her know that for the sake of the relationship that you would like to have sex with her often, or at least once a week minimum. Also, let her know that you expect her to put in effort to make it happen as well, and that she shouldn't reject you except in rare instances. Hopefully she agrees, but if not, let her know that you will want to seek couples counseling as you don't want to end up in divorce. When you talk to her, do some research first, for example let her know the benefits of having regular sex and that on average most couple do have sex once a week: Couples in the United States have sex an average of once weekly

 

This is a topic I feel passionate about having been with a woman who will not give me sex to being married to a woman who gives me sex on a daily basis and supported me through my pmo issues to. In short ( because its such a big topic this one ) is you need a woman who respects you, understands you, loves you enough to give you sex as much as she can without her being worn out. Its not just men who are going through this, Ive known woman also who are sad because all they want is for their man to give it to them and these men wont ( I know that sounds hard to believe but im telling you its the truth ) Men and woman all over the world are sex deprived and these are people who actually have partners but the partners are cold in that regard

 

Rejection doesn’t cause your relapse. That’s an excuse. What’s the next excuse going to be? We caused it? That’s really what you’re saying isn’t it? You never would have had to abstain from PMO if PMO weren’t a problem that you created but OK.

Yeah go ahead and talk to her and see how sympathetic she really is. If you did that to me I’d just roll my eyes and turn around and walk away from the conversation so that I wouldn’t say something I might regret. Tell me your lack of sex is a problem when I’ve had to deal with your lying cheating PMO activities for what amounts to our entire relationship? Yeah go ahead and see where that gets you. Make sure you throw in those expectations too. That’ll help! Couples counseling? Why not! We don’t have enough of your sexual addiction that we have to forfeit money on. The benefits of having sex blah blah blah? Please do patronize us by treating us like we’re stupid. Do all these things so that you can expedite severing the relationship so that she can move forward with her life. That’s a great idea!

 

“Get a female who behaves and values you”? LMAO are you fucking kidding me with this shit? To the same man who cheated on me and betrayed me and sent me into a psychological tail spin? Just WOW! Here’s a clue for all of you boys. Women don’t generally pursue a sexual relationship outside of their committed one. We generally only do it because you’ve systematically deprived us of what is rightfully ours. We have our reasons even if they were wrong. What was yours? Behaves! That really cracks me up.

 

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WTH?


I was wondering how long it would take for someone to show up and spew all of this nonsense.

So, this is the last word then and nobody gets to dispute it? How authoritarian of you. Yeah, I disagree with you.

Shoulda woulda coulda I’m sure she could do the laundry, clean the house, and cook too. She’s not too busy to do that either I bet. Oh but we are doing all of that and then some. Sure she could give you more sex. But she isn’t there to give you more sex. She is a partner. Not your [BLANK](not the word I originally used, but let’s see if that keeps the moderators happy. Sorry but that is pretty much what you’re looking for isn’t it?). Despite how busy all of you addicts are I’m sure you could act like a man instead of a manchild too but that’s not stopping you is it? I actually find this statement very offensive. Try treating her like a partner and I assure you she will break your penis (yean I didn’t use that word either) off. That’s how my husband and I got through it and we both are more than satisfied with our sex lives. We are not at your beck and call to spread our legs for you to make a deposit and a quick hasty retreat and exit. Sorry! You want a return on your investment? Then invest in us. We are your wives.

Wrong! Sex is “a component” of a relationship. Intimacy is “one of the most important components” of a relationship. Go learn the difference.

Well if that isn’t enough perhaps you need to figure out why it’s only twice a month and fix it. I can guarantee you that if you complain about it that it won’t be twice a month anymore. But you do you.

I don’t have any statistics to agree or disagree and I don’t think you do either. Nonetheless I would say that 100% of men who are in any way addicted to sex pornography masturbation, etc. would agree with you.

Sounds like you got it all figured out there pal. Want to know what the real deal is? If you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing acting like a partner in the relationship you wouldn’t need to ask for it…hardly ever. You act like we withhold sex as some kind of punishment. We withhold sex from you because at the time that you want it while we may love you we don’t like you very much. Think about it why don’t you.

OMG how can you be so selfish! Worn out? Are you kidding me? You betrayed us and you want us to respect you? Understand you? Don’t you get it? If we didn’t love you, you’d been gone by now. The brain fog runs think in here.

Just take a look at your replies and see if you can figure out why your partners are cold. I don’t know what the other women in here will say and I suspect most of them are just sitting back reading all of this and shaking their heads thinking “I can’t do this right now”. I can. All of you gathering your confirmation biases need to stop patronizing individuals who are so messed up in their own recovery and get to someone who can genuinely help you. These people are detrimental to your recovery and to your relationship. If you don’t think so give it a few years if not months and tell us all how your divorce settlement went. Maybe you’ll get lucky and figure out where the frequency of sex went while you were at it.

NOTE: I made some modifications to the original because it was pending moderator approval.