Occasional sex with wife

LOL I love the way you presented this! Bravo!

 

Ditto!

 

I had to just sit on this a while and think about how I wanted to respond. This diatribe is so outrageous it defies any reason and logic. But here goes.

Do you actually pay attention to what you write? I haven’t passed judgment on the OP and others. Conjecturing again? I will judge your words actions and behaviors and they are despicable. You don’t know anything about me to lay claim that “wives like yourself who routinely reject their husbands are part of the problem”. I don’t reject my husband but if he acts like a pompous asshole towards me I’m not the least bit interested in him even touching me let alone have sex with me. Guess what? We are 100% victim in this scenario. It occurs to me it is a problem for you. Not me. Blame me. I don’t care. That’s what you do anyway is absolve yourself of any blame to feed your own words back to you. Trying to insinuate that we are part of the problem is like insinuating that guns are part of the problem in a mass shooting. It’s an inanimate object. It doesn’t do a damned thing without a damned human being using it. It’s like blaming the pencil for selecting the wrong answer on a math problem. The blame rests with noone, and I mean not one single soul but yourself. Period.

Are you kidding me with this bullshit? Who’s blaming who here? You’re blaming us for not getting enough sex when it is your bullshit that we’re not interested. When our husbands do this we love them. We just don’t like them very much. Sex isn’t an obligation on me when I don’t feel safe with you. Sorry but you don’t get to dictate what I do with my brain and body. As for my communication skills, not worth the dignity of a response.

I find this idea that “When you routinely reject your husband it can contribute to him retreating and watching porn.” Well so fucking what! If you aren’t getting paid what you think you should get is that also justification to steal from them? Is it justification to steal from a store whose prices are higher than you believe they should be? If someone does something to you is that justification to kill them if your life isn’t in danger? Pick your fucking excuse and use it. That’s what you’re doing. Justifying your decision to look at porn and jerk off. Yes I am 100% completely blameless for the decision and choice to do it is entirely yours regardless of what I do. Period end of story. This is such an idiotic argument I don’t even know why I’m having to respond to it.

Never said I was. I said you people presenting this ridiculous argument don’t. You still never defined intimacy. You just dance around the term. Again you know nothing about me to make any assumptions about my ego. My knowledge of addiction and betrayal trauma tells me you are dangerous to recovery. Then there’s this gaslighting me with “compensating for a weakness” “lack of confidence”, blah blah blah. Whatever. I know the drill.

While you’re at it go ahead and gaslight me about my attitude. Tell me “how I should feel” with “be supportive of your husband” blah blah blah. No I shouldn’t have to help him. I should help myself. I didn’t say I refuse to talk to him. I refuse to stand there and listen to a bunch of bullshit. Considering how you’re responding right now I wouldn’t attempt to be a part of any solution to a problem you created. I’m contributing to the problem because I want have sex with your arrogant ass? OK. I can accept that. It occurs to me that the problem is yours. The addict. Not mine.

Feeding me loads of bullshit isn’t an honest attempt to talk to me. It is an honest attempt to patronize control and manipulate me. I can see right through it. Yes I would walk away. Tell me that’s not what you would do given the same set of circumstances if someone did that to you? Nobody should accept that kind of bullshit. Nobody. But you keep throwing that “poor communication skills” out there as if there is any merit to it. Trust me, you’re getting very close to me walking away from this conversation.

What I have stated as fact you have perceived as attack. I haven’t attacked anyone. “Poor judgment” “bad taste” blah blah blah. There you go rambling again. I’m not condemning anyone who needs help contrary to your opinion. I am however pointing out bullshit that will destroy his relationship and there is no shortage of you all willing to help him do just that.

I did not say I went to couples counseling. I said our counselor because both my husband and I used the same counselor independently and went through our program at the same time. His title is counselor. His role is teacher. I did mine. He did his. So you know what you can do with your hypocrite and liar accusation. He doesn’t do couples counseling. He does addiction and betrayal trauma counseling. When done simultaneously it is a system that works. When the addiction and betrayal trauma were resolved we were then able to rebuild our relationship. Whatever. Think what you want. I don’t give a shit.

Did I say I was angry? I don’t think I did. You’re trying your best to get me there though. I’ll give you that. Not gonna happen though. You just ramble on about shit you know nothing about.

I hope you can do some serious self-introspection. I do hope you have a good day as well and I sincerely mean that whether you do or not.

Now seeing as how this thing has gotten so derailed and created a life of its own by those of you intent on arguing this nonsense I’m just going to gracefully bow out of this conversation and discontinue participation in this thread. It appears to be a moot point. It’s clear to me that many of you don’t know WTF you’re talking about.

As for why I am here? My husband and I have been here for a very long time not that it is anyone’s business. To the OP…my apologies.

Goodbye

 

Was it you that was addicted to porn or your husband ..?

 

No I genuinely would like to know and don’t understand why you think the question is hostile? Several reasons, if you do not have any amount of sobriety, then you will not see things clearly. However, if you are 6+ months clean, you will have a clearer understanding of your addiction and I’d like to know which case we are talking about? Also, if you are going to advise others, then from what perspective is that advice coming from? It’s worked for you and your 5 years clean? Your csat advised it for you? Truly not trying to be argumentative or hostile, but know this, how you answer and see things when you are in active addiction is far, far different than once you get clean and in active recovery.

 

I never said your question is hostile..??

 

Thank you for this. Watching him grow, change completely and become a man is what I want for all of you! I know most on here have no idea how much this addiction has stolen, because I had no idea until my husband started recovery. I thought he was who he was. Until recovery. My husband getting high is far different than my husband sober and in recovery. He sacrificed 40 years of his life to this without knowing and understanding it or why. It is very much like seeing a drug addict get clean for the first time.

 

Many of my views stem from my religious beliefs, yes I understand what your saying about advising when addicted and advising when not addicted..there is a difference.

 

you said you are married right ?

 

I want to clarify something… I am absolutely 100% pro sex for married couples! None of this SR, as I think healthy sex within such relationships help bond and strengthen. I do believe that once a sex addict has addressed his/her unhealthy use of sex/orgasm they can find a way towards a healthy sex life. I’m not sure I was clear or not. I’m not saying you have to take sex off the table for good in order to get to recovery.

 

As for my previous comment about more sex. If you wish to understand I can explain where I'm coming from but please I dont wish to debate it with you if thats ok...I get desires urges etc. Its my belief that these feelings tend to express themselves in some way. I believe intimacy ideally leading to sex is a good way for a man to express these feelings especially in a good relationship with a good woman ..this is the general idea ok.

Tonight I may suggest to my wife sex. We tend to have sex often...now lets say out of 30 days she only agrees to having sex with me twice. Sex is extremely beneficial for many reasons and contributes towards healthy calibration of the body ..so personally I believe a healthy sex life ( as oppose to lets say twice a month ) helps and is a good thing ..now if you think my view is a load of crap thats cool..but thats my view.

for some reason this has triggered people..why?...I didn't say sex is the answer !..infact I said it is NOT the answer , and I certainly didnt say it was his partners fault ..but it seems some who may have had negative experiences with men were triggered and run away with the train etc ...

 

Hi Happenstance,

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, its obvious that you are very upset, angry and triggered.

This must mean a lot to you judging by the length of your post and the time and effort you took to respond, even if you are triggered and angry. I hope you didn't miss out on you regular activities, like connecting with your friends on facebook.

Yes, that's all you seem to do. While, due to your phycology and personal issues, it may feel good to cast judgement on others, you will find more fulfilment in helping other people and raising them up rather than tearing them down.

Yes it's clear that you view yourself as 100% victim to the circumstances of your life. That's unfortunate. I know that listening to others is not a strength for you, due to your poor communication skills, but can you please try to listen just for a moment: You are not the product of your circumstances, you are a product of your decisions. Stop viewing yourself as a victim and take responsibly for your life.

You should give yourself, and other women more credit, when you use an analogy comparing yourself to inanimate objects you are basically saying again that you have no control over your environment and that you are helpless. You are an intelligent person who is in control of your life. The truth is that you do have influence on your life and your relationship with your husband. But you might want to work on your self esteem and self worth.

Yes obviously. I didn't know that you sometimes don't feel safe with your husband, but that's not what this thread is about.

You have already addressed this point, you feel that you have excellent communication skills and you are offended by anyone who suggests that there might be room for improvement or that training might be of assistance. Basically, there is nothing wrong with you and all of the problems in the world are the result of others.

You're not being a very good wife here. You should care about your husband and be aware that your actions can contribute and have consequences to issues that he might be facing. Its not an excuse for him watching porn, but its clear that you don't seem care since you blame him for everything.

Reading between the lines here a bit, but are you saying that wives should be compensated for having sex with their husbands. This type of attitude is detrimental to marriages. Withholding sex shouldn't be used as a weapon or to get him to earn more etc.

Yes we have established that you view yourself as 100% victim and that if it wasn't for your husband watching porn everything would be peachy; nothing in your life is your fault.

I'm sorry but based on a number of your posts, and your refusal to accept any accountability in your life, to always blame others and make generalized statements about large groups of people, its clear that you do have an out of control ego. But the thing that most people don't realize, is that people with ego's like your's, are actually compensating for a lack of confidence and insecurities; your over inflated ego is a weakness not a strength.

Ok if you insist. You do seem to have a bad attitude, but I think that its something that you can work on and improve, and in the end you'll be happier. But as of right now, many of your posts are unhinged, triggered, angry and insulting... in short you don't seem like a happy person and that will rub off on others around you, not good.

I suspect that your husband is making an honest attempt to talk to you, since he initiated the conversation, but lets say that it is bullshit that he is saying. You still shouldn't walk away from the conversation, instead call him out on the BS and discuss the issues in an open and honest way, try to find common ground. Refusing to communicate with your husband isn't the solution. But again, to do so you need to improve your communication skills(specifically your listening skills), reign in your ego and stop viewing yourself as a '100% victim'.

I'm very glad that you found something that works for you. Why didn't you just say that in the first place instead of attacking me to for suggesting counselling. It just seems hypocritical when you rejected the idea of counselling when it is something that you now admit you have benefited from. You could have just said that counselling was good idea but that individual counselling was more appropriate in this situation. Winning the argument shouldn't always be the only objective, but due to your ego situation it may seem like that's all that matters to you.

Somehow I doubt that. Your ego won't allow it, as you always have to be right about everything otherwise you will start to feel the effects of cognitive dissonance which can be quite uncomfortable, especially for a person with issues like yourself

Thank you Happenstance, I can tell you that I am for sure going to have a very good and very busy day, 100% guaranteed.

I also hope that you also have a very good day. I have noticed that you have made some good posts in other threads on this forum, so I thank you for that

 

I understand..., obviously my views are opposing a few of you which is cool, we are all learning.. anyway Im just glad im not watching porn and mastrubating, ... instead im enjoying a healthy sex life with my wife and im glad you and your partner are doing well also, its a huge blessing.

 

Longrange ..its sad but you are spot on , her behaviour not acce

Longrange I am glad you addressed some of the things this person said ...cheers fella

 

Wait wait wait a minute ...this happenstance is the wife of the man who made the original post ...are you kidding me ?!

 

Unfortunately I can’t figure out how to quote specific parts ( highlight what I want to address) on my phone. But several things- anyone in a relationship with a sex addict is unsafe. Until they get into recovery , addicts are abusive they lie, gas light, cheat, and more. all of which are abusive.

As a partner to an addict who has proven to be untrustworthy we must rely on our gut to either engage in authentic conversations with our spouse or remove ourselves from such conversations to protect ourselves from further lies and gas lighting.
We are 100% blameless for our partners addiction, we cannot control them. We can only control ourselves. We are 100% responsible for our behavior and our healing. I have yet to meet a single partner who’s spouse started the addiction AFTER they met. All had the addiction coming into the relationship. Can the relationship make it harder or easier to be in recovery? Absolutely. But it is still 100% the addicts choice no matter the relationship.
It is always a choice to betray your partner , addiction or not. Your partner has zero control over what you do and if your wife cheated on you that wound be 100% on her. Can you do things that make her susceptible or vulnerable? Absolutely. But it’s her choice, just like your addiction is your choice.

 

No, I don’t think he’s on the forum. Her husband has been clean a while I believe.

 

right

 

very interesting . I just got up after reading this ..walked into the bedroom where my wife was..she was talking to her relatives..she was holding our baby..I said "love while I was pmo did you feel unsafe" ...she laughed , asked me if I was serious ..I said im deadly serious ...she snapped at me and said NO and continued to talk to her relatives.

so obviously not all woman feel unsafe knowing that their husband is masterubating did you feel unsafe because your husband was watching porn ? and to what capacity ...are we talking petrified ?

 

No, I felt like something was very wrong. This is because of the lying and gas lighting that in general comes with porn use. Partners who are honest with their significant other do not experience the same reactions. This is why relationships with honesty about porn use have a much greater chance at success. Once I understood he had been lying to me our entire relationship, yes, I felt very unsafe. Because I didn’t know who he really was. It’s quite complex. My husband is not an abusive man In what would be what most people consider abuse. However, he lied, and gas lighted me for years before he was caught. That behavior made me feel very unsafe.