Occasional sex with wife

Also I didn’t say feel unsafe… I said are unsafe. Addictions tend to escalate, so do addictive behaviors. Those behaviors make us unsafe weather we feel it or not. I no longer feel unsafe. My husband in recovery is honest. However, I am still unsafe. He could easily relapse to former behaviors and escalate to even more dangerous behaviors. Ie-losing a job because you are looking at porn, bankrupting us because your spending gets out of hand, or giving an std because now you’ve escalated in real life.

 

Yeah, doesn't surprise me you liked the phrasing, and it was gratifying to write, but I don't know how effective the casual, slightly patronizing tone is on actually changing attitudes. I do think most men come here wanting to cure their PIED, or fix some other superficial problem with their life, but the real problem is soaked deep into culture. I think we don't understand what sex is or what it is for. Porn isn't even fully responsible for that, I see plenty of entitlement and poor attitudes surrounding sex in history, in literature, ad in all kinds of places where porn supposedly hasn't had as extensive a reach. The thing is, though, I think sex is primarily about reproduction. How could it not be? Second about recreation, it's fun and that's undeniable. But the big part we miss is it's about pair bonding. It's about love. And what is love?

Love is patient and kind, not jealous, not boastful,
not proud, rude or selfish, not easily angered,
and it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not gloat over other people’s sins
but takes its delight in the truth.
Love always bears up, always trusts,
always hopes, always endures.
(1 Cor 13:4-7, CJB)

I see a lot of men interpreting "kindness" as "has sex with me." I don't see them holding themselves accountable to the entire list in the way they treat their own wife, or girlfriend, or future mate. I see men saying "find a woman who behaves," while they not only refuse to behave themselves, or haven't set up a track record of behavior themselves, but their entire definition of "behave" has been shaped by porn. I see sex being reduced to only recreation, because porn has nothing to do with the other two aspects of sex and therefore can't afford to let us even contemplate those. I see sex being reduced to transactions, I see men cynically thinking of marriage as a contract where they trade money and protection for a live-in prostitute. That's where I think these walls of text between people like @Long Range and people like @happenstance are coming from, which I admit I haven't read because I have other ways to spend my time and can't afford to get sucked into the drama; we have totally different ideas about what sex is for, and one view has obviously been heavily influenced by pornography. Now, I absolutely refused to be bullied and dominated and shamed and discredited because of the mistakes I made in my ow life. Just because I and other men screwed up doesn't give women the right to take advantage of us. But if I have to choose a concept of sex to "win," I choose the view that hasn't been influenced by pornography. I choose the one that requires discipline and sacrifice and high expectations from men, because that's what men do.

@Legacy of Lost Soul
Fair enough! I can't articulate anything in a non-native language more elaborate than "please," "thank you," and "where is the bathroom?" But I still don't think it's appropriate to demand a woman "behave" when we clearly haven't done that ourselves.

 

Are you a man or a woman and what is your reason for joining this site ?

 

I think what @Psalm27:1my light is trying to say is that masturbation is a choice, and it's perfectly possible to refrain from it, especially out of consideration for spouses (you don't have to involve God in every moral decision, but it is of course ok to do so). Many women do refrain (as they are brought up with the notion that it's wrong and that it's something only men occupy themselves with). Having no sex drive is considered something beautiful in women (that is, until they get married, then they will not hear the end of it!).

But to masturbate up to five times a day and occasionally have "nocturnal emissions" is something some women do. As a female I can vouch for that being true.

 

So doesn't this mean that you will always be unsafe ( according to you ) because there is always that chance that he could relapse ?

I don't know ... to hold that believe is a tough way to live ...I mean don't get me wrong ...probably 90% of people on here would disagree with my religious views so I'm not having ago... but it just seems like an unnecessary approach....

dare I say this lol ...but I think your safe and it sounds like you have a wonderful husband...you've seen that he wants good and he's put his relationship before his desires

 

Interesting...you think men have stronger sex drives than woman ?

 

Yes it means I will always be in a position of not being safe. Hence the reason we as partners must set and uphold strong boundaries with our partners. Those boundaries are what help me feel safe with in the relationship. Do they keep me safe? No, because he can still relapse and choose not to adhere to my boundaries..it is a very hard way to live. Probably why statistics show so few relationships make it when sex addiction is involved.

 

I don't know what to say but I hope it works out. I was championing yours and his success and achievements though you say you will always be unsafe.

Does he know that you believe you are unsafe ?

 

No she’s saying society teaches that women shouldn’t like sex or have sex up until they are married. Virginity is prized in females but ridiculed in males. Males are told they have this insatiable sex drive ( not true btw) that they cannot control, while women are told they aren’t visual ( false) and they are sluts if they want sex or a lot of sexual encounters. I think each individual has unique sex drives that is not dependent on gender.

 

Of course, lol and he agrees and he works hard to make sure I feel safe. He knows that addiction takes you places you don’t want to go. He has implemented far more boundaries on himself than I ever would.

 

Can I share my w

Sorry I wasn't referring to her comment , I was asking for her personal opinion

 

Why does the Inquisition want to know?

I guess someone else asked you the same thing in the same blunt language earlier, so fair.

My gender’s right there on my profile, and I keep a journal. Male, addicted to PMO/sexual fantasy since adolescence, raised Christian so I always knew it was wrong, but while the church provided plenty of conviction, their tools for actionable repentance were just the worst. I joined this site because they said they could help me quit.
My counter is current, I’ve gone up to 130 days, but only by taking the process farther than most recommend. For what it’s worth, I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, I’m a combat veteran and a full time stay at home dad, I have a degree in English literature and I published a novel about space coyotes.

 

Ok, you guys must have been through some pretty traumatic stuff. Ill ask my wife how my addiction affected her ( I have an idea what she'll say )

 

Im not the inquisition...so no its not them , I think you've done some pretty amazing stuff and I30 days is excellent and I salute you. I like to ask because it helps me to understand where people are coming from. I'm sorry to hear about the adhd diagnosis in all honesty I can't say I know too much about it. I finished my pgce last year and I teach Arabic language ( I am not Arab )

 

No one asked me about my gender and I'm sorry if it comes across blunt ...maybe we have different customs so apologies if you don't like the way I ask...it really isn't a question that's ever bothered me,

 

No more than most SO’s of sex addicts and thankfully far less than many. Had he escalated to irl woman, I wouldn’t be here and if he hadn’t gotten into recovery 3.5 years ago I wouldn’t be here. Probably wouldn’t stay if he had spent our money on it either.

 

Cool. I'm glad youve made it so far, so many people are struggling, I s
Wish you both success going forward

 

Just WOW! That was awesome! Thank you for posting that.

 

I’m a huge fan of @Meshuga . He reminds me so much of my husband. Totally rooting that he is one of the few that beats this! He understands so much what others on here do not.

 

Of course it is. But it’s a lot more difficult to refrain from when you and your partner aren’t having sex. And on top of that, while your spouse is actively pmoing. That’s why I’m questioning how she managed that. A sexless marriage is similar to being single (in terms of sexual gratification). Hard to imagine a single male only masturbating 5 times in 30 years.

It’s not having no sex drive that’s considered beautiful in women. It’s having control of it that’s beautiful. Believe it or not sex comes easier for women.. that’s why there’s a stigma associated with those who openly take advantage of that. With that said it is a double standard, and men should learn how to control themselves as well.

I think you mentioned that you’re married in another comment. Has this been an issue in your marriage?