I've said a number of times in my posts that No one is saying its because of a lack of sex. No one is saying a lack of sex is the reason But personally I believe more than twice a month will help him ....many on here disagree with me ...and thats OK
What did you turn to exactly? You were 100% sexually abstinent were you? Because in your previous post you used the words “I didn’t excessively masturbate to porn,” which certainly leaves room for interpretation.
It didn’t help anything. You went from addicted to pmo to addicted to sex. What exactly makes you think it helped you? You’re still wasting your seed on a daily basis aren’t you? You call that improvement?
Ok, I'm going to read that post carefully. Emphasis mine. What you describe here is a woman who proves to you how much she loves you by having sex with you as often as she can. If that isn't addiction talking, if that isn't rank entitlement talking, I don't know what is. This kind of goes back to what you think sex is even for. Why does it exist? A lot of men, maybe most men, seem to think they'll explode or go insane if they don't get it often enough, and it's not true. It is true that if you've been addicted and accustomed to ejaculating at least once a day, your balls go into overproduction mode. Then if you take a break from tickling the pickle, your balls ache and you feel like you have to whack the mole just to relieve the pressure. Then you tell yourself "See? I need this! It's that stupid, selfish wife of mine, if only she'd service me like the princely stud I believe I am, I wouldn't need to resort to porn!" Truth is, if you stick with it and don't jerk off and don't use your SO like a dirty sock, your body levels off. Your balls stop aching. You stop producing so much baby batter. You discover you don't "need" sex, that everything that happened to you when you didn't was a symptom of withdrawal from an unhealthy practice, not your body asking for its God or Darwin given right.
My husbands addiction. Wanting to educate myself. Learn as much as I can about sex addiction and Betrayal Trauma and now, to be able to share what I have learned through my own journey and counseling. Counseling is expensive and not everyone can afford it, I’m fortunate that I can. Sharing what has helped and also what hasn’t. Helping other woman see when their spouse is actually in recovery and not just saying he is( there are definite signs!) I, like, you didn’t believe my counselor when she recommended 90 days abstinence and I adamantly refused for 6 months ( if I remember correctly?). My husband struggled and finally asked me if we could try it 90 days no sex. I wasn’t thrilled, but he’s the addict and above all, I wanted him clean and in recovery. It helped him immensely. It taught him he can live without sex, he can be happy without orgasms every day, it helped teach him self control. It was also a stepping stone to real intimacy. And you know what? Sex is better than it’s ever been. Ever. He doesn’t have DE, or PIED anymore! He’s harder and better than he was at 30 when we have sex. He is a completely different man in all aspects of his life, sex is just the cherry on top. He’s not the man child I’ve been married to most of my life. 5% is the long term recovery rate for this particular addiction. Why? Look at the forums, how many really understand what the reason they are addicted is, or how to get into recovery? How many can tell you their inner , outer and middle circle behaviors? Their addiction cycle? Their triggers? Their tools to prevent relapse? Long term recovery is 5 years clean. I know that many on here are desperate, you can hear it. Then you have other addicts, with very little success, telling them it’s ok, they will get there. How? What many on here call “ encouraging” is actually just enabling someone to continue in their addiction. You are not being kind by doing that. I’ve actually made friends on here that I talk with outside the forum. Imagine that, we know each others real names and help each other. Same with my husband, except he can’t stomach what so many men write on here, so he just doesn’t participate here. But, he too has made friends on here and they support each other outside this forum.
I was sexually abstinent. In 30 years I masturbated a total of 5 times. Once I was desperate to fall asleep ( orgasm knocks me out) 3 times were what I can only say was revenge masturbating as I was so angry at my husband for rejecting me. And once was when I thought “ I’ll just take care of myself since he won’t” ….. none were what I wanted or needed ( except maybe the one that helped me sleep). All but one time were early in marriage when I was young and lacked self control. Yes, I remember every time because I was so damn frustrated and so disgusted that THIS was what I had to do while married? Because my husband refused to take care of it? Then I realized that no, that’s not what I wanted. I wasn’t going to do that. And I didn’t. And it was hard. It was so hard. It felt impossible on some days. It made me angry, frustrated, sad, lonely. I learned to live without the expectation that he owed me sex. I dealt with my urges in other ways.
He has had varying degrees of sobriety 4 years clean, relapse, 1 year clean, relapse, 1 year clean, relapse, he is 2.5 years clean. He is finally actually in recovery and not just sober. Up until 3.5 years ago He had unaddressed adhd, depression, IA. All have now been dealt with in different ways, which I believe has contributed to his success this time rather than just whitecknuckling.
Did you ever have a habit of masturbating to begin with? Before marriage? 5 times in 30 years. This is unheard of in men. And I don’t think it’s because we’re simply weak willed. I think this clearly showcases a difference between men and women’s sex drives. If you were a man on this forum in the success stories talking about how you only masturbated 5 times in 30 years you’d be heralded as a king and master. I’ve talked to many women who have no sex drive, even a young woman who had never masturbated until 22 years old. Clearly there’s a difference here.
Lol I masturbated every day before marriage., from 14-23. Did I mention it helps me sleep? However I didn’t feel it was right after marriage. I felt it was very wrong.
If women didn’t have sex drives there would be no market for vibrators or other toys ( I literally just had a discussion on Facebook with women feeling sorry for me because I said I’d stick to my hubby for the real deal). They talked about the vibrator always being ready to go and 100 out of 100 times making them orgasm…. Multiple women telling me I’m missing out because I don’t own one. That doesn’t sound like disinterest to me.
Best advice in this unnecessarily long thread. The OP should start here and ignore the speculative, agenda driven remarks from many of the other posters.
She needs to be attracted to you to want to have sex with you. Do you have masculine tendencies/hobbies? Do you play sports or do something with other men? Do you do masculine work around the house? (carpentry/plumbing type stuff). You don't need to have all of those things - I'm useless when it comes to jobs around the house. But you need something that your wife seeks from you in order for her to be attracted to you. My advice: Continue nofap - I know how hard it is, I dealt with it for a year with my girlfriend. And although I had sex pretty much as often as I wanted, I felt pathetic for it (not all the time), because honestly, she was just a replacement for fapping - and that desperate, pathetic feeling you have, I promise, sex with your wife won't fix that. It's really hard to do... And failing nofap as you rewire your mind is okay. Over time you will become stronger, as long as you are actively trying to improve yourself.
I’m not saying they don’t have sex drives but I do think it’s different from a mans. Especially considering you guys have a cycle that influences things. Well then, you are quite remarkable. Although I’m questioning if the emotional betrayal you were dealing with had suppressed things a little bit. Did you not have sex at all that whole time? How often was it? Cuz there’s a difference between 0 sex for 30 years and only masturbating 5 times, as opposed to just infrequent sex. Anyways I’m not trying to discredit you, just trying to understand the details of how you managed zero masturbation for 30 years.. especially having no spiritual/ religious intent behind it. Or did you?
How has having sex helped you stay away from pmo? Why after having sex, sometimes within the hour, do so many have the urge to pmo? How long have you been clean? Because if having more sex was all it took, it wouldn’t have the poor recovery rates that it does. Thousands of partners have tried “ giving” all the sex the partner wants in order to get their partner to quit jacking of to other people. Oh we had sex, not nearly enough, it was once to twice a month. We had one great year of sex every day and some times twice a day when we were trying for a second child. Of course once I got pregnant the sex stopped again. I actually did have a spiritual component, it’s what really turned me deeper to God. Plus since I felt like I vowed to forsake all others I felt masturbation was wrong as it was a form of cheating my husband. I held different standards for myself once I married. It didn’t bother me to masturbate while single, but it felt very wrong while married.
Tell me something about it in your non native language pls. Klidne zacni cestinou ty jantare nevzdelanej.
With all due respect whats your intentions in asking me this ...because I don't think its productive if we keep going back and forth ... if you genuinely just want to understand where I'm coming from without some hostile then cool ..
I salute his discipline and a big congrats that he's got this far ....I hope that this brings much joy , blessings and happiness towards your marriage...well done and thank your for sticking by him and supporting him ....you are both blessed I hope you both continue this journey of goodness
If having sex most days with my wife is being addicted to sex then if thats what you wish to call it then yes I've gone from pmo to having regular sex with my wife. I'm not watching porn or masturbating any more and my relationship with my wife is alot better for it ...plus we are both enjoying a healthy sex life ...I'm a sex addict if that's what it makes me... h You seem to think my situation hasn't improved? What an interesting world we live in ... ...I am not sure why you said im wasting my seed though..could you expand on that??
Maybe I behave entitled maybe I'm addicted to sex ....( I personally don't believe thats the case...but if you say so me OLe China ) what I can confirm is I no longer watch that filthy porn and I don't masturbate or masturbate while watching it ect . I'm thankful for that! I believe having regular sex helped ...please don't confuse this with me believing it was the solution....I don't believe it was the solotuion to no pmo ! ..but I found it to be a good thing and it helped in my quest ...as opposed to my wife only allowing me to have sex with her say twice a month like the guy who originally made the post ... a healthy sex life is relative ..for me and the mrs that means most days. My relationship with my wife has improved in many ways ..we are closer and she is alot more happier....she enjoys sex to ( as do most people ) if you think it didn't help me then thats your opinion and your entitled ...I don't wish to go back and forth with you about it squire and I'm not saying sex is the key or answer or solution but for me a healthy sex life helped ...in my very very humble opinion the " answer or solution " is very complex and differs from person to person. What about you ..what's your story
