Post published by Ekahs

Hey guys.. I've never really introduced myself to the group. I'm kind of new but like 3 weeks. I wont lie to you guys I DIED... I was really trying not too because even though its whatever online, Im continuously dying on the inside. I realize that Im just some stranger you probably care nothing about, the following message I was actually going to post to AP thread but I thought to myself that maybe it'd be best to post in this group. I hate to seem needy. I do not seek pity.. excuse the analogy but I am like a crack addict who is loved and is ashamed whenever he gets high. I just want to be clean. Its been a really hard few months..

The furthest I've gotten so far. I'm looking to get up and really try again but I keep falling.. Im ashamed deeply and feel its time to find others. My goal is to stop with porn and masturbation completely. I was a heavy addict for the ages of 12 to 18 and at 19 was able to break the curse but around October I fell and was unable to recover.. please.. help.. Im dying..
I am religious and have many things I would rather be doing in my life. Most of all I feel I have become Gods biggest regret and disappointment. I repent of course but I shouldn't be doing this.. even at that I've done it so many times I find it difficult to believe he will forgive me. I am stuck. I need help. I came on here to get assistance and I get that Its a two way street but please.. Come to my street cause I don't think I cant limp my sorry no good, suicidal, piece of trash self down two steps without collapsing. or should I say relapsing.. I do not own a Gun but if I did Im sure I would be brave enough to pull it. I say this only cause this has been a reoccurring thought during the time of these falls. The outlook on it is this. I know to some it may seem extreme but to me It only makes sense. If my life truly does have purpose but all I do is fall all the time then I'd probably be best If I were just gone and someone else could make the purpose I was suppose to do accomplished. If his grace is washing over me every time I mess up and because of that I ruin someone else's day, not only do I feel terrible but I think that someone else could be doing my Job 10x better with less a struggle with full trust in him. When I fell in October I fell hard. If theres a christian (preferably) out there that can help me who isn't afraid of me I would really appreciate you or anybody assisting me getting back to the point of being fully out of sin..