Hello guys, I am just starting to use this site and I am hoping something will come off it. I am sure that some of you or maybe most of you will understand what it means when I say that I have been submerged in porn for most of my adult life and it was too late by the time I realized what I had done and seen the implications. I often tried to get out but the pull was always too strong, too deeply entrenched. This here is another such attempt and I am feeling a little optimistic today about all this. having gone through some of the stuff here I feel it might do something. This screwed up life that I have at the moment needs a change, can I make the change is a million dollar question. Basic stuff about me: I have been into porn for about 15 years now, even saying that makes me cringe. I am in a profession where I interact with lots of young people on a daily basis and that means conflicts of interest. I cannot not look at someone in a sexual manner, in that sense I am voyeur. I have built a habit of masturbating to porn as well as imagined stuff in my head which often involve people I know and people around me. I'm triggered often by simple things like newspapers/YouTube/sights around me etc. and often I feel they are everywhere! I often masturbate 2-3 times a day. I have never had a sexually health relationship and I suspect I have PIED. It is also hard to have a stable relationship. In times of sanity I am ashamed of myself and for what I've become, I envy normal people and the simplicity with which they can interact with others, something I can never dream of. Making efforts repeatedly and failing have left me with a sense of dejection about this whole thing and low sense of self worth. I feel like this damage maybe permanent and there is no way to get around it. However this website gives me some hope and especially the community based approach it has, I have never done such a thing and it gives me something to look forward to. I thank you if you've read this far and I hope something will give here. Hard reboot sounds too difficult at the moment. Please suggest.
Welcome to the community. Read, learn and start making your plan. What you do is up to you but I as you learn things here, choose the way and method that gives you the greatest chance of success.
I would suggest starting a journal. Not only do I think it helpful to write out the thoughts that I would have difficulty saying out loud to people, but the comments I have received from others can be blessings. Start a journal and start reading and following others'. If you can find a group that you are comfortable following and who are willing to read your posts, the companionship gained can be a real boost to recovery, I have found. Welcome to NoFap!
I do have the habit of writing things in a (physical) journal. I don't know if I'm sure about sharing it though. I will probably get around to that as well with time.
Of course - I can understand the hesitation. I will say this, though, if I may: SO much of this describes me! Or at least, the person I was before I started posting here regularly. Take out the parts about "2-3 times per day" and "this damage may be permanent" and I'd say this is a pretty accurate description of me. It's a little uncanny, actually. I want to thank you for opening up and posting this, as I always feel a little less alone knowing that others have the same hang-ups that I do. If you ever begin a journal, I think I'd love to follow it!
Thanks so much for the support, it means a lot I am going strong as of now and I will try to write more.
