New Fapstronaut here, unsure, testing waters

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by kaitovai, Mar 23, 2019.

  1. kaitovai

    kaitovai Fapstronaut

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    Hello guys,

    I am just starting to use this site and I am hoping something will come off it. I am sure that some of you or maybe most of you will understand what it means when I say that I have been submerged in porn for most of my adult life and it was too late by the time I realized what I had done and seen the implications. I often tried to get out but the pull was always too strong, too deeply entrenched.
    This here is another such attempt and I am feeling a little optimistic today about all this. having gone through some of the stuff here I feel it might do something. This screwed up life that I have at the moment needs a change, can I make the change is a million dollar question.

    Basic stuff about me: I have been into porn for about 15 years now, even saying that makes me cringe. I am in a profession where I interact with lots of young people on a daily basis and that means conflicts of interest. I cannot not look at someone in a sexual manner, in that sense I am voyeur. I have built a habit of masturbating to porn as well as imagined stuff in my head which often involve people I know and people around me. I'm triggered often by simple things like newspapers/YouTube/sights around me etc. and often I feel they are everywhere! I often masturbate 2-3 times a day. I have never had a sexually health relationship and I suspect I have PIED. It is also hard to have a stable relationship.
    In times of sanity I am ashamed of myself and for what I've become, I envy normal people and the simplicity with which they can interact with others, something I can never dream of. Making efforts repeatedly and failing have left me with a sense of dejection about this whole thing and low sense of self worth. I feel like this damage maybe permanent and there is no way to get around it. However this website gives me some hope and especially the community based approach it has, I have never done such a thing and it gives me something to look forward to.

    I thank you if you've read this far and I hope something will give here. Hard reboot sounds too difficult at the moment. Please suggest.
     
    Tom_Corsi likes this.
  2. Welcome to the community. Read, learn and start making your plan. What you do is up to you but I as you learn things here, choose the way and method that gives you the greatest chance of success.
     
  3. Tom_Corsi

    Tom_Corsi Fapstronaut

    I would suggest starting a journal. Not only do I think it helpful to write out the thoughts that I would have difficulty saying out loud to people, but the comments I have received from others can be blessings. Start a journal and start reading and following others'. If you can find a group that you are comfortable following and who are willing to read your posts, the companionship gained can be a real boost to recovery, I have found.

    Welcome to NoFap!
     
  4. kaitovai

    kaitovai Fapstronaut

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    I do have the habit of writing things in a (physical) journal. I don't know if I'm sure about sharing it though. I will probably get around to that as well with time.
     
  5. Tom_Corsi

    Tom_Corsi Fapstronaut

    Of course - I can understand the hesitation.

    I will say this, though, if I may:
    SO much of this describes me! Or at least, the person I was before I started posting here regularly. Take out the parts about "2-3 times per day" and "this damage may be permanent" and I'd say this is a pretty accurate description of me. It's a little uncanny, actually.

    I want to thank you for opening up and posting this, as I always feel a little less alone knowing that others have the same hang-ups that I do. If you ever begin a journal, I think I'd love to follow it!
     
  6. kaitovai

    kaitovai Fapstronaut

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    Thanks so much for the support, it means a lot :) I am going strong as of now and I will try to write more.
     
    Tom_Corsi likes this.

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