my girl rarely wants sex

slumdog1991 · Mar 3, 2018

GG2002 said: ↑

I see this as you just attempting to transfer your addictive...

Hi GG2002, I am messaging you in reference to your post in the thread 'my girl rarely wants sex' - post #18 which starts 'I see this as you just attempting...'

I really enjoyed reading this post. It really called out to me and my situation. You put into words what I have experienced so accurately that I wish I could introduce you to my girlfriend and explain it to her for me. I like your writing style, I really like that your English is accessible and meaningful at the same time. One of the things that irritates me about these NoFap forums is the range of quality in language. A lot of posters have potentially meaningful things to say but don't present their thoughts in good English. On the other hand there are those who seem intent on making an impression that their English is exceptionally good - they waste energy on using big words and intricate phrases thereby losing the value of what they are actually trying to say. Your English is the kind that I seek - clear, accessible and most of all meaningful. I scan the forums from time time in search of something that really hits home for me and while that can be rare, sometimes I will stumble upon a post like yours which makes it worth it.

"So since normally you would be PMOing more frequently than you are having sex you want to have sex more to replace that. I have had sex with a man who does that and it’s not fun. The whole sex experience becomes about them and their need to ejaculate. You saying that you want the ejaculate more leads me to that conclusion. It gets even worse when some PMO addicts in recovery literally masturbate relationship their partner. Meaning they will have sex for a bit and then use their own hand to O while totally forgetting you are even in the room and replaying porn scenes or using the partner like she’s a girl on the screen"

This first paragraph puts into words my feelings of my first 90 day reboot. I went a month with no PMO until finally having sex with my partner. Around this time I told her everything about my reboot and addiction. I began to suggest different sexual ideas to my SO to mix things up a bit, with the belief that it was a positive by-product of my reboot - that I finally wanted to be having sex a lot and trying out new ideas. Previously we had a very poor sex life which is what brought on my reboot and overall discovery of my sexual issues. Trying these new sexual ideas and communicating so well with my SO was very exciting to me however quickly I became quite needy. I started to experience the chaser effect almost immediately. I had a new idea for the next sex session almost as soon as the current one was over, and I would apply pressure to my SO in when and how we needed to perform sexually. This edginess continued until I realised that something wasn't right. That thing that wasn't right is exactly what you describe in the above paragraph. I was using her to satisfy my desperation to ejaculate and creating sexual scenarios to emulate porn, to an extent. I quickly decided that I would finish this no PM reboot and follow it with a 90 day no PMO reboot.

The reason I joke about getting you to speak with my SO is this. I told her I wanted to cut out sex because it wasn't right me pestering her for it (and possibly making her feel inadequate because she couldn't keep up with my raging drive.) Incredibly she was upset at the idea of giving it up for 3 months and proceeded to say she didn't mind my advances! The irony wasn't lost on me but I knew it was the right thing to do even though I didn't articulate it very well. For your information I'm on day 42 of this no PMO reboot.

"So often men who are having sex less often then they would like fail to realize the reason she does not want to. I know it’s hard because depending when you started pmo you may not know what real intimacy feels like. But trust me it’s much better than where you are now."

I recently binged on yourbrainonporn articles on what may have been the same day I read your post. I discovered something about myself. I don't know what intimacy is. Also I don't know what sex is. I made a huge entry in my diary listing every sexual experience I could remember in my life (I'm 27). This was useful for me to put into words because it clarified the way PIED has influenced my sexual life. I had never orgasmed with anyone until I was with my girlfriend. In a lot of instances I didn't even have a proper erection with partners before her and never came close to orgasm, didn't know what it was. I knew masturbation. I didn't know how to be close to a person and to appreciate them physically, and draw arousal from that. I am trying to teach myself now.

Since that diary entry I have attempted to introduce a way for me to learn about these things in the form of weekly intimacy sessions with my partner. We spend 20 minutes lying naked with each other and just feeling each other's bodies and skin, we don't talk. We kiss. This is in the attempt to learn how to be with her in that way, so when the time comes to have sex once more I will know what I'm doing. Do you have any thoughts on that? I enjoy it immensely. My partner I think enjoys it but sometimes hesitates to prioritise it in our weekly schedule. I am trying to accept that from her, rather than getting upset by it and telling her she's being unfair (which is the kind of behaviour I referred to above, that I want to avoid). She herself has sexual issues which in the past I have tried to address but I am changing my line of thinking on that now. My two sort of mantras for the moment are 'back to basics' and 'focus on you'. The first one refers to my attempting to learning how to have successful basic sex for the first time in my life. The second one refers to my belief that I shouldn't try and sort my partner's sexual issues out (which admittedly I have done previously) but should instead concentrate solely on healing me.

Thank you for your post, it means a lot to me. I only wish I could stumble upon this kind of content more regularly. Please don't feel you need to provide a long reply, I just wanted to let you know my thoughts because I think it's important to acknowledge these things.

Dan
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