35 and older accountability, Group 2

Checking in. Another very busy week with lots of ups and downs:

As of Tuesday, December 3, 2019, I am now divorced. I was married nearly 6 years, and I was a horrible husband and a very selfish human being. I'm humbly asking God to help me forgive myself for the pain and harm I've caused others. Part of me feels sad, guilty, and depressed about being divorced, but mostly I feel relieved and excited about moving forward in life. More than ever, I'm tempted to use the Internet to chase women and re-connect with the women I had sexual flings with, but I'm choosing to resist that path. Casual sex is not a part of my playbook anymore, and this feels liberating and powerful, since I've always used women and sex to boost my ego and escape my problems. I am going to take my time before I even think about opening myself to an exclusive relationship. To keep me focused on my chosen path, I've set a goal to remain PMO free, hard mode, for a minimum 100 days: no PMO, no chasing women, no marijuana, no p-subs (i.e. dating sites and linkedin).

Work is still a struggle but last week I finally got on the phone and started interacting with customers and prospects. A minor victory but it's progress.

My sister, whom I haven't seen or rarely talked to in 5 1/2 years, invited me to visit with family on my next birthday (2/19/20). I haven't been invited by anyone to do anything in quite awhile, since I chose a life of lies, isolation, and secrecy. So this is progress, too. I'm starting to feel more open and connected to people. I'm actually even starting to ENJOY interacting with people.

I am tapering myself off of alprazolam. I was taking 2 mg. every night before bed, because I felt stressed out and I feared insomnia. Currently I am down to taking .5 mg every night before bed, and I am sleeping well and I've had zero withdrawal symptoms. When I started tapering I feared insomnia. Alprazolam is a very addicting substance and is potentially lethal if stopped cold turkey. But for me the tapering process has been 100% smooth. By February 19, 2020, at the latest, (my 49th birthday), I will be done with alprazolam, for life.

I've added non-animal protein sources to my diet, and I've reduced my daily caffeine intake from 6-8 K-cups per day to 1 K-cup per day on weekdays and 2 K-cups per day on weekends. I have little desire for alcohol. I allow myself a few drinks on Friday night, but it stops there.

A few years back my former physician diagnosed with me low testosterone, and I was taking 200 mg. of testosterone per week, but starting October 13, 2019, I cut the dose in half, to 100 mg. per week, and I notice I have much more energy and focus, especially in the gym. I feel stronger, and my workouts are much more intense and focused. I train with weights and cardio 4-5 times per week. I'm 48 but I feel much younger. I have another month's supply of testosterone remaining, and once it runs out, I won't be renewing my prescription. I'll be done with testosterone for life.

Have a great day All!

 

"I have read the rules and would like to join this group".

 

welcome man. Thank you for sharing. Your journey is a reminder for me of some of the paths I fantasize about and need to avoid. This new life we have can be some meaningful even if it’s less exciting at times.

 

Great post. I would seek advice about stopping testosterone. I'm quite well versed in the subject. If you have been on it a while your natural production might not recover due to testicular atrophy and damage to the lydeg cells.

If you do decide to stop be prepared for a rocky ride until it does recover. But I suspect it will at the very least be hindered and won't return to your original baseline.

 

Congratulations @persona2903 on reaching seven months and thank you for sharing tips!

 

Congratulations to persona. This group has been a help for me. It gives me reason to check NF and stay connected with recovery. I haven’t had a streak this long in sometime and it feels good.

Today I’m a little resentful. I was intimate with wife and she hadn’t shaved her legs in a few days. It’s something that is a real turn off for me. Intimacy his hard enough for us that when there are barriers it can slow the whole thing down.

 

I have read the rules and would like to join this group (I know I may be waiting a while)

 

I will be 4 weeks tomorrow. Hard mode.
Things are good for now, with slight scares
Things helping me
1. Morning cold bath
2. Exercise
3. Intermittent fasting

Things giving scare
1. My whatsapp groups with buddies (occasional sex photos/videos that I immediately delete)
2. Imagination of doing it. (I have stopped playing my favorite pornclips in my head)
3. My urge to check if my occasional erection is hard or not. Yes, it's getting harder. I tend to massage balls to pass the erection. I don't know if it's good or not. It feels like a middle path.

Still sticking to the principles
1. Semen is very precious
2. Porn hurts my body and mind.

 

I love your posts brothers - No one comes to this life perfect, the winners are the one with the most progressive and from what I see you are progressing amazingly.

Your humility and wililngness and self honestly is really shining in these posts.

 

Great job man thats a great progress.

Personally I would just get rid of those buddies on what's app or tell them about your decision to be free from thos and not let any garbage slip through that can make your life more difficult.

 

Hey man, I cant totally relate to what you share about being turned off by partner when some of my 'needs' aren't met the way i want them to be.

What I'm learning is that for me that is coming from my ego that has so many likes and dislikes, and not my soul that loves everyone and just wants to share the love.

I'm sure there are things i do to my partner that is unattractive and they have to overlook but i don't remember those I only occur on what I don't like and what is missing sometimes, which is part of the egoic mechanism.

If you feel inspired to check out this audio /video i have shared it with many people

 

update day 28

I experienced a strong urge to masturbate the other night when a female made a sexual joke and that turned me on. Later the next morning I had a very vivid sexual dream where this very friend came and had sex with me and resulted in my 2ne wet dream in the past 28 days.

The thing if i want to she would be very interested in having sex with me, but something is holding me back from doing it.

I am learning to avoid seeking pleasure to please my senses because they lead to suffering and if sex is going to happen it will be the result of natural spontaneous sharing of my joy with another human being, rather than planning and trying to 'get' pleasure.

 

I'm noticing flatlines Everytime I have sex with my gf. Each time they last about a week until I see her again on the weekend.

Post sex I feel I have no desire for sex again at all. It's immediate, and my mood drops.

I think in going to try dial back the bedroom action for a while and spread my sessions with her out and perhaps practice karezza when we do.

I think the intimacy is important but the end result is disheartening.

 

I was going to suggest something similar to karrezza and then I keep reading and see you already knew about it!!!

I can totally relate to this man it is the result of releasing seeds and it is very unpleasant to go from excited and happy to see my partner to feeling a sense of resentment towards her for feeling drained after seeing her.

The book Toastist secrets of love talks about this fact. It takes real discipline and self mastery to do this that is why its called sexual kungfu - kungfu means discipline.

What I typically do is to have normal sex (not really karrezaa) but then when i get close to comming i literally stop and I just relax.

It is a totally different way of having sex.

I typically make my partner reach orgasm using other things than penetration, so by the time I'm having sex with her I will have total free dome to stop so i dont feel bad for not making her reach orgasm.

 

Day 365 ( Imagination post )

I am so grateful to see how easy it has been a year since the last time I watched porn or masturbated.

In addition, I have been waking up at 4 am and meditating morning and night and been eating very clean.

I am a totally new being and my entire life has a new sense of joy and peace to it.

I have dated 3 different amazing women during this time and have enjoyed sharing my self with them in a beautiful way and I'm currently in a very conscious relationship with one of them who I relate to the best.

Overall it has been an incredible year, I have made more money than I have in the previous 3 years combined and I have gotten a new place, and upgraded my finances and career to match the other areas of my life.

Looking back now I am so thankful for the decision to do this work.

 

Appreciate your post and I am looking forward to reading it again in a year or so

 

Thanks Persona! I'm a 38 yo guy struggling like the rest of you and ready to change my life back! I came to the realization over a week or so ago that I had a problem when I was spending my christmas money on porn and phone sex so I decided to cut it all out cold turkey and here I am, it's been 5 days since I have PMO! Thanks.