35 and older accountability, Group 2

Congratulations @teece!

 

Guys, I did some edging..To check if it works. But no MO. Sad about edging, but happy that my streak didn't stop.

Please answer this. Pardon my obsession with my tool. It has been good for 50 days.
1. I felt it has turned shorter. Does that happen?
2. When I come out of reset, I hope it would be a woman, and I hope I do ok. Any tips.
3. How do you guys deal with nudity in movies? I don't want to turn into monk because I can't sustain it. I want to be a normal person who doesn't do PM.

 

I feel at this point I'll never watch porn again. Have absolutely 0 desire to.

So I decided to eradicate 2 more vices from life in 2020.

Quit smoking a few years ago. But switched to vaping.

Just through all my vaping gear in the trash. BOOM.

Secondly, alcohol is GONE. As someone in their mid thirties, that shit was no longer serving me and the cons had started far outweighing the benefits.

Still dealing with depressive and anxious episodes but I feel by end of this year porn will be well and trule behind me along with these lingering symptoms.

 

Thank you for sharing!

Three months ago I stopped smoking weed cold turkey, and my desire for alcohol is now greatly diminished. I cannot even think of any benefit whatsoever for me to continue drinking, and your post reinforces this. So I greatly appreciate what you have just written.

I have zero desire for P and I never want to do M again, ever.

Wishing you continued success on your chosen path.

 

Thanks @persona2903 . I am 38 years old, started fapping about 20 years back. Decided to change my life on 20th November 2019. Quit PMO and Smoking. Going strong!

 

I would say you are walking on very thin ice bro - I would discipline the mind immediately or relapse is inevitable.

In my experience, my mind knows that it can get away with stuff so it will keep pushing its limits unless i nip it in the bud and show him who is the boss

This is best done through some form of unpleasant discipline such as fasting - avoiding food past a certain time or disciplining it to meditate and keeping lust out of the mind.

lastly I mostly avoid those entertainments in movies because they are literally designed to trigger men into capturing attention - the more and better they do, they sell more movie tickets, its a business of this world.

So i find that if i want to be peaceful i must be willing to let go of certain things of this world - which is really giving up a lesser good for greater good.

But as a concession i would say if you do watch those movies, skip the sex part or look away and clsoe your eyes and or meditate on the fact that all those imags you see are fake - think of their poop and shit and zits and how true beauty is more than skin deep.

 

Update day 53

yesterday I was sitting at the mall and I look up for a second and I see a woman walking with her hair and her body part being extremely revealing and moving in ways that captivated my attention.

I felt an intense rush of tightness all over my body, it was like a spider that has laid all its net all over my body -

I felt this intense desire for few seconds to think bout her and fantasize, there was a huge urge to crave more for the same view and I just noticed how my body feels.

It was very interesting to be able to experience this - coming from a 10 day silence retreat i feel like i have ultra sensory awareness and higher degree of concentration than when i'm lost in the day to day hustle.

I was able to really feel the anxiety and tightness that the energy of lust and selfish desire for pleasure crates in the body.

I felt a sense of disgust that part of my body is addicted to this feeling and it is so easy to fall victim to it.

Thankfully though I had enough presence, and grace with me to be disciplined with my focus, and chose instantly to not let these thoughts take root, because i knew only suffering can come out of it.

I have a habit of reading a book called bagavagita which is translated by yogananda - and it is highly benefitial to my process.

Each day it reminds me how the sensual pleasures lure the yogi (one who is on the path to oneness with god) and it deludes the mind.

So I used the a method in it that says something like this...

First, I suspend the senses from receiving more input from sense pleasures - this is done through yogic practice of breathing and consciously withdrawing attention from the body parts.

The bagavagita (which is like the bible of india) puts it like this...

Even as a tortoise draws in its limps...
The wise draw in their senses at will

Second, I focus my attention and my entire consciousness on God, Higher power and The source of all joy which is invisible and present with me all the time. This is done through devotion as well as practice, it actually becomes very tangible feeling experience. That with an intentional invocation I can feel the presence of joy and sense of fulfillment and harmony returns. Its something I have to constantly focus on and cultivate and sometimes if i didnt have enough sleep or feel tired seems to come harder, but it is one of the secret pleasures of living a spiritual life. The peace that passeth understanding - a sense of joy and well being accompanies us which is far more blissful and fulfilling than the temporary pleasures of the sense that leaves one hungover and in regret.

 

Thanks @persona2903

 

D113. Hi Everyone. Happy New Year!

These three days without cell phone or internet have done me very well. On Tuesday I felt very tempted, but I'm already better. I'm not thinking about PM all day like Monday and Tuesday ... at the first hint of bad thoughts I disconnect again.

You refuse to leave PM ... I offered you a dignified retreat, but you're still here. And I need a friend of flesh and blood. Are you perhaps? I must not be a great friend, so we are for each other. But friendship requires trust, and you are waiting for the first opportunity to push me to the train tracks. You can not avoid it. It is in your nature.

We live in a lonely world, PM, as you know. You will not use my loneliness against me. I'm never near the tracks without looking back, so good luck with that.

 

For the past 12 weeks I've been tapering myself off of alprazolam, from 2 mg. every night before bedtime, to .5mg. every night before bedtime.

On December 31st, 2019, I launched the final tapering phase: .5 mg. every OTHER night before bedtime.

On the nights I haven't taken alprazolam, I haven't slept well. As I lay awake in bed, the sexual urges are prolonged and intense, and during the rare sleep periods, my (non-sexual) dreams have been non-stop vivid and intense, and occasionally disturbing. They're just dreams, though, thank God!

The final tapering phase feels challenging, but I've still maintained my newfound joy, strength, and energy, and by February 19th, 2020 (my 49th birthday), I will be done taking alprazolam for life, no matter what. No excuses. Come hell or high water.

Yesterday, perhaps due to my tapering alprazolam, I struggled emotionally, and though I managed to resist the urges, I left work 5 hours early (I have never left my shift early in my 5 years at this job), and I squandered most of the day feeling stressed, anxious, and angry.

I noticed that the more I clinged to negativity, worrying about and resenting circumstances beyond my control, the more I recalled, in my mind, and with fond remembrance, my past sexual "conquests," and my past sexual remembrances of P, and my desire to justify engaging in the various, subtle forms of p-subs.

So I had to keep reminding myself yesterday that a few seconds of self-induced pleasure is never going to make me feel better in the long run; that engaging in P, M, or O is never going to match the sense of joy, purpose, and strength from living life anew.

I had to keep reminding myself that a life free from PMO will involve struggle, and that struggle gives meaning to life. I had to keep reminding myself that my "up" days now far outnumber my "down" days, and that "this too shall pass."

But even reminding myself to stay true to my path was tough. I questioned the meaning and purpose and sacredness of my new chosen path. At times I was haunted by my old negative self-talk :

"You are NEVER going to sustain happiness.
You will inevitably fail.
You are always going to struggle financially.
You are going to lose your car, your job, and your beautiful apartment.
Refraining from PMO is ultimately worthless.
You are fooling yourself if you think your new life even matters.
Nobody cares what you do."

I have never struggled at such an emotional level since I refrained from PMO.

I prayed to God, several times, to help me be more understanding and accepting, and to "forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us."

Thank you All for helping get through my "down" days. You all are supporting me in my newfound life. I feel grateful to be a part of this group!

 

Thank you for that tremendous courage in your share. These are the moments that define us and our recovery. May you get through these moments without using so you can come across to the other side where you want to be.

 

I love reading your shares as usual brother - you like all of us are a suffering creature , on journey of god realization - where we discover true Peace.

Be still brother - you are doing great.

What helps me at times of struggle is to focus on ONE day at at time. One small step at a time.

Get lots of rest and good food and meet your needs on the physical level - this helps to be able to face the inner battles with calmness.

Be blessed

 

I shared this in another page, but it’s a suitable check in for here, so thought I’d copy it here.

I’m struggling on a weekly basis now. This weekend has really tested me. Major fight with my wife, my favorite football team was eliminated from playoffs unexpectedly, my mother kept interrupting and saying stupid stuff during the game (triggering me), dishwasher broke, wife is trying to get house painted, and work is having layoffs. I think I’m safe on job front, but never know.
I lashed out in anger twice this weekend, once at wife and once at mother. It’s funny though. When things are so bad, I’m aware of how much I want to comfort with PMO and food and I’m able to see what I’m trying to do more. I’m just trying to get through this time one thing at a time and just trust that “this too shall pass.”

 

yes if it is still available

 

@persona2903 can you update the leader board to reflect my name change from Krdt to Parad0x

Thank you!

 

Eighty days no PMO, and what a journey it's been!

Here's what I've learned the past weekend:

I no longer expect permanent recovery without struggle and suffering. I am on the road to living a life free from addiction, and for me this newfound life involves its fair share of discomfort and suffering.

No matter how many days I've abstained from PMO, my past and present demons greet me, and I need to stay strong and vigilant, and I need to rely on God and family and friends for support and guidance.

I also need to keep looking inward, thoroughly and honestly evaluating why I chose to numb my emotions to begin with. Abstaining and putting together a long streak isn't enough. I must continue to dig deep and confront my demons.

I believe that my all of my addictions can be traced to a painful and traumatic past, which involved a particularly battering assault on my psyche, and I'm convinced that the hurt and pain and underlying wounds from my past remain at the center of my fear and insecurity and yearning for acceptance and control.

For me it's easy to live a PMO-free life on my "up" days, but what counts the most is doing the right things on the lonely, dark days, when I'm feeling anxious and depressed, deprived of sleep, entertaining sexual urges, and worrying about circumstances and events beyond my control. This is when I really need to buckle down and continue to pray to God, meditate, work on goals, log onto nofap, hit the gym, take cold showers, get out of the house...because this is my chosen path, and this what my recovery plan requires, and I've come too far to let it all slip away.

No matter what my day counter reads, I am recovering one day at a time. It doesn't matter how slowly I am recovering or how often I am struggling. I just need to keep traveling in the right direction, one day at time, one step at a time. This journey doesn't require perfection, and it's OK to rest every now and then, but I will never quit, and so today I will continue traveling along my chosen path, convinced that my effort, and the struggle, are well worth the journey

 

"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials"

Seneca

 

@ANewFocus and @RightEffort thank you brothers for your support and encouragement! It means a lot to me. I wish both of you strength and peace as we move forward together on our journey