My Story: 545 Days No-PMO, Hard Mode (1 Year and 185 Days and Counting)

TIMMY0110 · May 19, 2021

RightEffort said: ↑

I felt inspired to share a little bit about my journey.

(Semi long post)

I started watching porn since i was 15 years old.

Given my all or nothing personality, I was a heavy user you could say.

I loved the process of searching and finding crazy shit.

(and the shock and aw of finding crazy images online)

Many often I would mix porn with ADHD drugs, to try to make the effects longer.

Then in 2009 (11 yrs ago) I wanted to get better at sex, so I got the book "Taoist Secrets of Love" by Mantak Chia.

Reading this book hit me like a ton of brick.

There was a chapter at the start of it, which talked about the power of semen.

I started to question, perhaps me feeling so depressed, mental issues, had something to do with my addiction to my porn habit?

but how could I ever quiet watching porn?

It literally seemed like a total fantasy to think I could EVER stop watching porn for even a week, let alone for life.

I saw porn just like oxygen, or water, it was such a strong urge and need for me it that i really didn't believe to live without it was even worth it.

So giving up porn wasn't an option on the table then for me, so I chose the next best option, semen retention.

This is about the time I attended my first 10 day vipassana retreat - as thought by one of my great teachers S.N. Goenka G (Global non profit non organization)

After my retreat I felt like a changed man, I felt a new measure of peace and harmony in life I almost wanted to give up my life and become a monk right then.

For about a year or so after this I was watching porn but avoided ejaculation - so mostly edging and then I had a few different girl friends and tried to keep things mostly to normal sex and if i watched porn I would not release seeds.

To give you a full transparent picture of how i was feeling then, I was in a constant state of craving for sex.

Even if i would get laid, i would keep craving for the next time i see this girl, or if i would watch porn, i was constantly on the edge of coming and my mind was totally fixed on sex almost 24/7.

Because I wasn't coming so sex was a major part of my life and day.

Overal though the self controlled life resulted in a measure of success, i got my own apartment in vancouver, which looked really nice and had a successful local business and so on...

Eventually I met a girl who became my gf, and she cheated on me, I went back to doing drugs, and I ended up selling every thing i had and going to live in Asia.

in 2013 I returned to Canada to parents house broke but much wiser, because i had been chasing so many girls in Asia, it was crazy. I had so much sex there and to my surprise i felt absolutely like hell.

Perhaps I felt the WORST in my life when I was sleeping around with the most number of girls, i was constantly anxious, nervous, even worst than when I was hooked on porn.

So any one thinking to quit porn to go to escorts - i argue that it is better to stay on porn watching, because sleeping with different women creates serious mental and emotional complexities.

***

In 2014 I went through the 12 step process as it was recommended to me by my teacher Dr. David R Hawkins who had been through it, and so i asked a friend who was in AA and he became my sponsor.

Then for the first time experienced a miracle.

The miracle was total freedom from that compulsive craving for pleasure which previously had lead me to years of drugs and sex.

For the next 6months I experienced a new "high" in life.

Free from ALL sexuality. and so confident with women, it was crazy.

This was my very first taste in Hard Mode - no porn, no masterbation no orgsms. (This means actually no touching my self ever, no edging, no pictures, nothing what so ever.)

It looked like I could get any women (not really but meaning lot of women were friendly to me)

I found myself so free and joyful, I became extremely fit (abs) and focused on growing my online business.

Now mind you i have always been fit most of my life, but this time i became ultra fit.

~~~

Then after about 6 months of hard mode, i attracted a super amazing soul - a girl who i really felt a deep connection with, who became my partner for 2.5 yrs.

I ended up making lots of money, or at least the most i have ever made in life, I felt like I am never ever going to have money problems.

I had enough to be able to live a year or more traveling and felt invincible.

(Side Note: This is where I learned, when things go well for me i become totally hypnotized into becoming overly confident, They say pride comes before the fall is so true....

(...Also now I realize I am most under danger, when I am most successful, and things are going the best, because that is when I am most easily able to override my own souls calling and to listen to my ego, to seek selfish pleasures)

We traveled and lived in Bali and so on... All my dreams were coming true ( until the dream turned into a mini night mare lol )

We started our relationship I was so into having sex with her i couldn't stop thinking about her for the first year.

This was also during the time i was practicing Semen Retention techniques which enabled me to keep myself rejuvenated and not loosing so much semen on mindless sex.

But then after moving in about a year or so, I felt that same lust feeling came back.

(NOTE: The lustful feeling is that sense of lack and un-fulfillment i had felt all my life. When I was watching porn, when i was seeking drugs, or seeking girls, the craving for MORE, was the EXACT same craving which would always come back to me any time I would live life without self control and self restrain.)

I would much rather to watch porn and to have sex with any one else but her. (cool-age effect)

After this we broke up and I stopped having sex for a year as I pursued a deep spiritual calling to travel and find more meaning in life.

During this time I hardly much sex once a year very few encounters which would feel empty and boring, I was still watching porn and masterbating though, and I was pretty much stuck in life in all levels, financially emotionally and mentally wen through some serious dark nights of the soul where I questioned if i should continue my life or pull the plug.

In 2018 I made another serious attempt to go hard mode.I made it for only 30 days or 60 days (can't recall) but very soon went back to porn.

Then again in 2018 for the second time (December) i did a reboot for about 90 days and noticed some improvement but I didn't have the paitience to keep goin and I resumed to sexing and living a careless life.

I was feeling again over confident and I felt I can handle it.

I started to smoke cigarettes once a while (for fun) even though i was super into healthy living. (justifications of the mind)

Through sheer force and hard work I started to land more business deals and success, I even went to Sandiego couple of times and had 4 figure months in sales, but again, the fire went out.

I felt unstable, i noticed a new pattern arise in me, I was so needy over my new girl who i would feel nerovous and anxious if she wasn't around.

Then around September she and I seemed to be going deeper and deeper 'in love' so she invited me over to live with her as her mom was away for a week.

I was so excited to have a full week of fuckfest, but I felt like if i am going to live with her, this will take our relationship to a new level, so I went to be more transparent about my current business challenges I was facing.

After that conversion, she turned away and she revealed that she had lost all attraction to me because i wasn't who she was expecting to be.

So this was the final nail in the coffin for me, the intense pain of another breakup, resulted in my business totally goin down even more,

I lost my self in self pitty, lack of focus, depression, back to watching porn and so on...

This is when I found myself in a new level of rock bottom.

I'm sure others had it worst then me but here I was 35 yrs old. Living at parents house. I can't drive my car because its minus 30 outside and I don't have money to buy winter tire.

My business just crashed and burned. I get booted out of the training I was a part of because i couldn't make the payments. I had $13 in bank account, and I am living in a house w/ 7 other family members and 3 small children, noise, sounds, emotional triggers and i had so many reasons to be depressed.

This is when I was practicing silence days on Sundays, and i would take the whole day off to go within and to be quiet and meditate,

I started to experiment with fasting. Started with Daniel fast (veggies, fruits, nuts mostly) for a few days and noticed It helped me regulate my mood.

Then I started to get the courage to stop watching porn again.

Started a new journal, i was writing down how many days its been since last relapse. and If i would relapse I would write down, what happened, and what I learned.

After about a month or two I was too proud to get help and was 'trying' to do it alone.

Very soon I realized I can't do this alone, and reached back to NoFap community after a few years break.

On 11/11/2019 after about 30 days of relapse and self effort, I joined the accountability group created by @persona2903 (Who i am deeply grateful for), and started make daily journals.

After much contemplation and revelation I received in my 10 day retreat i came up with 10 Disciplines and made my #1 purpose in life to stick to this the best i could.

These 10 disciplines have formed from the depth of my agony and pain, and they became the light in to my experience to empower me.

THE TEN DISCIPLINES:

Connect To Silence at 4 am (tracking every day i would sleep and wake up with pen and paper ) Many days I would go back to sleep for 2-3 hours again (5 to 7 or 8) but waking up in the silence hour and connecting to God in silence has been a 'secret healer' it is hard to describe but it works for me. I now changed it to 3 am as felt inspired by Sadguru about 3:40 am being a special time.

Meditation/Alone Time (1 hour morning and 1 hour at night, vipassana) + Pausing, relaxing for 1-5 minutes for 10-25 times per day, breathing to remember a prayer and to remember my oneness with my spiritual source. As much as possible taking Silence Days on Sundays. I speak to no one, and zero work or entertainment. Only focus is to evolve my awareness to who i am, what god is, and how to live more lovingly.

No PMO - Daily check in here, helping other brothers, and being in the energy of NoFap and service.

Fasting - Started with Daniel fast, then tried to have more veggies, organic and healhty food. Avoiding/limiting sugar, candies, salty chips no alcohol, smoking, or other toxins. Plus intermittent fastings (Eating form 7am to 3pm, or eating from 4pm to 9pm *current* ) When emotional pain would come, or strung temptations, I would do a more intense fast were I would only drink Juice or just a 24-48 hour water fast which is a killer! (and so blissful)

Hour of power - Reading (20min) / 40 min Running/Workout, while focusing on what i'm grateful for, imagining a better future, speaking empowering words to myself. ( "I am strong. I am confident. I love my life" and so on...)

Radical Forgiveness - Never holding on to resentments, Instantly letting go of all grudges, small or big. In addition praying and blessing our enemies, and those who annoy us after each meditation morning and night and through the day. Resentments are like atomic bombs in our way of life, need to be washed with pure waters forgiveness.

Tithing - giving 10% of all income to a selfless cause from gratitude, this must be done in secret. not a show off, there should be no direct benefit to me for giving this money from thankfulness. I was inspired by the book 4 Spiritual Laws of Prosperity. Experience showed me this is the only way to live because the remaining 90% of the money is blessed and I feel I am under an invisible protection.

SMART goals and action - Creating specific, measurable, attainable goals and tracking my progress towards them. Usually starting the year with writing 10 goals, and focusing on top 5. each week reviewing our goals and trying to accomplish the best we can.

Mastermind - Taking initiative to bring a small group of people together on a weekly bases to help each other (as thought in the book the law of success by Napoleon Hill)

Self less service - Doing some act of kindness however small or great in secret.

After some times doing these 10 I started to feel a shift.

First I got a new minimum wage plus commission sales job.

I hated the job and almost quiet after 3 days but decided to see it like my 10 day meditation at vipassana, that after 3 days I almost left, but because I stuck with it, i had a breakthrough.

After a few days at this job, I started to feel really good again, felt my confidence come back.

I started to feel really confident because I knew i am living my most disciplined life, even though externally and financially i wasn't so much better, i was feeling changed from the inside, mainly based on how I was waking up and focusing on my attention on doing "The next right thing" ... "one day at a time".

After about 90 days Covid hit, but thankfully I had already been looking for a better job, I had a good friend who helped me with my job searched and I learned how to tweak my profile and was able to land a better job.

While i was at the sales job I was approached by someone who offered me a new job with the highest salary i Have ever had in my life in management position. (Miracle)

Then about 6 months after, I got another job with potential for higher pay and more flexibility and now I am full-time self employed.

it's been about 1.5 yrs since then, I now have a very simple and efficient home by myself, where I can sleep , meditate, workout and work from home.

I live exactly where I wanted to live.

I am working on a very inspiring project with a co-founder building a global community of people who want to expand their perspective and create success and meaning in their lives.

I am living with more self control. Tracking finances, sleep, food and limiting other time wasters.

Again i'm far from perfect but I am finding a new level of inner power to do what I say I want to do, like never before.

Compared to others I am nothing special, but compared to where I was a year and a half ago, i feel extremely blessed.

Another point, worth mentioning, during the last 1.5 yrs I saved the most money, paid the most debt, been consistent on living on budget, and now have the most savings I have had since the past 5 years.

I would say I feel really good about 80% of the time, there is the 20% when I feel lonely, frustrated, agitated, and lustful, where as before it was the other way around (80% lustful/depressed/lonely and 20% happy)

Urgets can come at any time, but now i have a higher awareness which enables me to drop on my knee and ask for help, take a cold shower, or go meet a friend instead.

Almost every Sundays (today) I take time off from all financial concerns or pleasures of relationships, and i put my focus on rising my awareness of what I am and deepening my bond to myself.

It is hard to describe but it seems like after this time, I am learning how to be very content being by myself, which I have never in my life felt before. (EVER)

***

Reading my journal from the previous years I see a huge positive shift on how well I feel, but I would be lying to say I am blissful all the time.

but I'm learning to go into the loneliness, and the loneliness it self is becoming a motivation for me to deepen my spiritual awareness of the inner bliss...

Having said I am walking on raisers edge, meaning any day i can fall to temptation and relapse, but I also feel there is an invisible hand of grace protecting me.

As my relationship with women, the past 1.5. yr i had plenty of opportunities to get in relationships but I avoided it (perhaps partly by choice and partly because no one really captured my attention in a deep way)

Ironically I have now more 'close' female friends than I have had in my entire life who I can call, talk to and hang out with.

I recently started to work with a coach and since I have been meeting girls all the time and playing around with FB dating.

And I'm opening myself to a new partner who will be in alignment t my long term vision with my work and as well as matching my love for Truth, God, Meditation and freedom.

After much contemplation my new commitment is to avoid having sex for the first 6-12 months of my next relationship to cultivate deeper connection, and if i do have sex again, It will be with retention, or conscious choice of number of total ejaculation per year and never giving myself free pass to have as much as as I like with my partner, because experience showed me it leads to coolage effect and in my case self destruction.)

I also realized I could never really love a woman before, until I was able to come to a measure of freedom from compulsion over sex.

I feel I see women (and other people and animals) from a higher perspective, you could call it oneness or love, which makes me feel more at home and connected, wherever I go.

I hope this share inspires someone on some level.

Feel free to ask any questions.
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Dear RightEffort

Thanks a lot for sharing your story. I see that you have overcome a lot of hardships and suffering.....I am experiencing them currently...your story gives me hope...the hope that even I can overcome this terrible situation in my life.

I am a follower of the eastern philosophy just like you (I am from India)....right now...I am spiritually and mentally confused. I hope I will get clarity soon. I have been watching your vlog as well... Great job...continue the wonderful work of spreading peace and joy.

-Timmy

Redemptionisrequired · May 20, 2021

RightEffort said: ↑

Hey man thank you for your comment and love your question.

This topic is so dear to my heart so I will answer it few different ways. I know its hard to understand what i mean so bare with me as I try to explain it in few dif ways.

1- The thought of the person may continue to arise in our awareness, and each time, we use it to bless them, and open our heart towards them, Initially we may feel negative inside and feel upset as to why are we not over it yet, but this is may not be so helpful.

I find it more helpful to remember the minute we prayed "god forgive them for they know not what they do" the work is done, the decision is made, the rest is the after effect of our own ego, which we just keep re-affirming our own decision.

2 - Forgiveness on the first level is when we choose to let go of another person's fault, because they have done something wrong/bad to us, that is the first layer, which is great, and helpful and we all need it - but this is the kindergarten level, as I'm learning from the books like "the disappearances of the universe' as well as ' A course in miracles' forgiveness is much deeper than this level, at a deeper level, we are forgiving another not for what they have done, but for what they never did.

On the level of story line, my ex cheated on me and she left me for another guy, she was not honest and she put my life in danger, on another level, i am lost in the story of my personality and in truth there is no me or her, there is only the ONE, so the deeper forgiveness work is to see that I am lost in the drama of my life, and I am holding another character in my dream prisoner of a wrong which was orchestrated by my own ego.

Another way to understand this is to image you are deep asleep and you are dreaming about some one putting a knife in your stomach and wanting to hurt you, you are so angry and frustrated, but then you have this inner awakening that you are actually in your bed sleeping, and the story is a dream in your mind, and the person is made up by your own mind, so do you really need to forgive the fictional character for what he did? No you only forgive your self for getting upset over an imaginary story, for what the character never really did because it has no existence separate and apart from your own consciousness/mind.

I am not saying the normal forgiveness is not valid and I had to struggle with the deeper forgiveness for sometime until it has clicked for me, but if your not there, don't force it just play with the idea,

Another thing that has been super helpful is what i learned from my teacher mystical healer Joel Goldsmith, who has been my #1 teacher in the past 4 years through his youtube videos (he is no longer alive) what he thought me is that there are situations which are seeming beyond our capacity to forgive, those cases we ask God to forgive for us, so our prayer is "father I want to let go of this grudge and negativity that this person has caused me, but I keep noticing myself holding on to anger, so father please forgive him for me, and forgive me too for being so arrogant." If we speak with this spirit of humility as if we are on bending knees, the heart opens and miracles happens as we becoming the light of the world.

3. The other 'technique' i have successfully used with painful forgiveness scenarios is to form a habit of forgiving our enemies morning and night after meditation.

Usually when we feel really happy and good, lets say after a good meditation, or workout, or walk in nature, when we feel super blissed out, we bring to mind the people who have harmed us, and we remember him and pray that our joy be shared with him, we pray that this inner bliss we feel be shared with him even to a measure and we 'try to' mean what we say.

4. Another cool thing to do is to imagine him as a baby/child. Children are so cute, like a puppy dog, they can spit in your face and you will laugh and forgive them, the truth is most of the people who have done us wrong, are children inside, and we can imagine them on how they were when they were little, and perhaps went through personal trauma, which is the cause of them doing us harm, because no happy person would ever cause harm to another.

Only those who are suffering cause suffering to others, knowing this can open our heart through compassion, remembering that they too are having a very challenging painful life and are worthy of mercy. Same as ourselves we can fall to temptation and be selfish and do stud shit any moment, and we want others to forgive us, so we remember ourselves these and we pray for our enemy every day and over time gradually we can see them and feel genuine love for them but may take some time.

Lastly I share, your WILLINGNESS to forgive your enemy it self is the evidence that you are being pulled by God / Grace, and it is a miracle in itself.

In our own ego we would never want to forgive our enemy, so knowing this should be a source of comfort, gratitude and being humbled.
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You've given me a lot to think about and work on bro. Thank you for taking the time to write all this valuable detail in your reply. The ego is something difficult to conquer when it's been deeply hurt, you really are on another level..I hope to reach your level of clarity some day.

RightEffort · May 20, 2021

TIMMY0110 said: ↑

Dear RightEffort

Thanks a lot for sharing your story. I see that you have overcome a lot of hardships and suffering.....I am experiencing them currently...your story gives me hope...the hope that even I can overcome this terrible situation in my life.

I am a follower of the eastern philosophy just like you (I am from India)....right now...I am spiritually and mentally confused. I hope I will get clarity soon. I have been watching your vlog as well... Great job...continue the wonderful work of spreading peace and joy.

-Timmy
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hey bro thank you for your comment and vulnerability. I know you are being pulled to higher consciousness and freedom and the very fact that you are here making this post is the evidence of Grace in your life. We are all on this journey together, I love that you are in the land of spiritual freedom, one of my goals in life is to be able to visit there and to deepen my awareness of God, so you are already there, and blessed in so many ways. Keep me posted and any questions just msg me or post.

RightEffort · Jun 14, 2021

After 1 year and 215 days I am going to end my initial commitment of no PMO.
Now I am switching over the next 66 days to a new commitment,
Which is no ejaculation and channeling energy to social media

I am deeply grateful for the ability and the grace that empowered me to come this far, and I feel totally transformed as a man, and how i relate to women.

I feel at this time, as a knife that gets too sharp it becomes dull, I am now ready to resume back to the 'normal world' and allow sexual energy into my life - and I like to be able to channel energy within my body through masterbation.

The next 66 days I am going to focus on channeling my energy into creating lots of content on social media and creative expressions and attracting a new partner.

Beekind · Jun 14, 2021

Proud of you mate.
Keep the good work.
Become a better man. Everything else can wait.

modern milarepa · Jun 15, 2021

goodnice 2.0 said: ↑

. I actually got dragged down by modern milarepa's advice to have sex... ended up breaking an 8 month streak, because I started to try to chase women, and got consumed by that craving the way you described
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Bro, no wander you were acting so different. You seem a bit more mature than before do.

But as my father says anybody can be celibate(meaning not having sex) but not everybody can be chaste(non ejaculation while being celibate or having sex).

When we go out and face women and reality that is when we see if we have really transcended sex and lust. Being alone can hide our faults.

Sorry to hear you ejaculate. But dealing with women is another struggle by the interaction itself, female mind and the pleasure that comes with sex.

BTW stop saying I told you have sex with lots of girls you are making me look bad bro hahaha. I told you to meet girls and have sex but not with all of them, just with the one of high quality. Sometimes this means having sex with the wrong girl but it's part of learning.

Hug

modern milarepa · Jun 15, 2021

RightEffort said: ↑

After 1 year and 215 days I am going to end my initial commitment of no PMO.
Now I am switching over the next 66 days to a new commitment,
Which is no ejaculation and channeling energy to social media
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Alright bro but not sure why the need to masturbate what has change? Do you feel urges or anything?

I understand the part of meeting girls and knowing someone special. But the masturbation because this will make the sexual energy move, I don't get it. there is no need for it.

modern milarepa · Jun 15, 2021

Considering you have such long streak and meditation practice masturbation meditation will not help so much.

Or if you want to see it more like a practice before having sex and see if you can control the need to ejaculate, it can help maybe few times.

But if you have last so long without sex and PMO I see no need to do it.

Be confident when the day to have sex comes you'll manage semen retention

RightEffort · Jun 15, 2021

modern milarepa said: ↑

Considering you have such long streak and meditation practice masturbation meditation will not help so much.

Or if you want to see it more like a practice before having sex and see if you can control the need to ejaculate, it can help maybe few times.

But if you have last so long without sex and PMO I see no need to do it.

Be confident when the day to have sex comes you'll manage semen retention
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Exactly doing it as a practice.

I am reading the book by Mantak Chia the Taoist master, and he recommends single cultivation to practice with retention and developing the inner awareness of the movements of energy and so on...

I feel great overal, the last strike feels like it has changed me permanently and last night after watching porn for while I just stopped and went had a cold shower, no coming, it gave me a headache actually was way too many simulations.

modern milarepa · Jun 15, 2021

RightEffort said: ↑

I am reading the book by Mantak Chia the Taoist master, and he recommends single cultivation to practice with retention and developing the inner awareness of the movements of energy and so on...
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Alright bro, I got my eyes on you. I'll say you don't need it. Just wait for the sex. It sounds your mind is tricking you a bit it's alright you watched some porn no problem.

And don't even consider ejaculation. Don't come up saying some taoist masters recommend an ejaculation periodicity so you started doing it. Some says it's OK depending on the season, number of times you had sex, your age and so on. But that is the thing even great masters like mantak Chía you are reading a book is not the same as talking to a master.

Doing solo practice I'll consider it more if you can not simply life without masturbation and need some type of release. That is why I recommend it 9nly if you can not simply live without sex or masturbation.

Even you do microcosmic orbit while doing solo practice is more hard than sex imo because it creates an excess of yang masculine energy.

It takes some of your energy away, that is why I don't do it.

Try it some few times and if you are going to have sex stop it 1 wek prior

modern milarepa · Jun 15, 2021

It will be interesting if you make a thread about it as nobody has done it in this page as therapy

Do it some days and write about it will be nice if it's an independent thread besides your journal so it becomes more mainstream. If you want you can talk to me to me too.

In general is a good idea breaking rigid ideas about masturbation and the relationship with your own body.

It's good you are changing views in a way I like a lot were you are going anybody can be a monk but living as a monk while having sex that is more hardcore.

Best of lucks

RightEffort · Jun 15, 2021

modern milarepa said: ↑

It will be interesting if you make a thread about it as nobody has done it in this page as therapy

Do it some days and write about it will be nice if it's an independent thread besides your journal so it becomes more mainstream. If you want you can talk to me to me too.

In general is a good idea breaking rigid ideas about masturbation and the relationship with your own body.

It's good you are changing views in a way I like a lot were you are going anybody can be a monk but living as a monk while having sex that is more hardcore.

Best of lucks
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Thanks man, appreciate your supportive vibes

I am totally on board with no ejaculation because it feels like such a waste of energy, so thankful haven't ejaculated consciously at least though last night in sleep had some release happening.

As for the experiment, are you talking about doing a solo practice of the microcosmic orbit in preparation for sex that would be good to document?

I would be open to that, it helps me stay focused and accountable too.

Today I watched porn for the 2nd day in a row this time for 10minutes and felt bored and disgusted much faster than yesterday, so now i'm for sure stopping it and resuming to solo practice and preparation for a partner.

I know there is a zen saying that is similar to what your saying it says "it is easy enough to stand still, the real challenge is to walk without touching the ground"

In a way it is a new challenge to be sexual but only with the right people, right reasons and not ejaculating.

modern milarepa · Jun 15, 2021

RightEffort said: ↑

As for the experiment, are you talking about doing a solo practice of the microcosmic orbit in preparation for sex that would be good to document?

I would be open to that, it helps me stay focused and accountable too.
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Yes that will be very interesting the cure of a sex problem is in sex itself sex is healthy and also solo practice.

modern milarepa · Jun 15, 2021

Also sexuality it doesn't matter how safe you want it to be is risky ejaculation is always there to happen at anytime. As the taoists say sex is like walking at the edge of a knife.

modern milarepa · Jun 15, 2021

Or riding an angry wild horse bareback

cresyhorse · Jun 16, 2021

RightEffort said: ↑

I felt inspired to share a little bit about my journey.

(Semi long post)

I started watching porn since i was 15 years old.

Given my all or nothing personality, I was a heavy user you could say.

I loved the process of searching and finding crazy shit.

(and the shock and aw of finding crazy images online)

Many often I would mix porn with ADHD drugs, to try to make the effects longer.

Then in 2009 (11 yrs ago) I wanted to get better at sex, so I got the book "Taoist Secrets of Love" by Mantak Chia.

Reading this book hit me like a ton of brick.

There was a chapter at the start of it, which talked about the power of semen.

I started to question, perhaps me feeling so depressed, mental issues, had something to do with my addiction to my porn habit?

but how could I ever quiet watching porn?

It literally seemed like a total fantasy to think I could EVER stop watching porn for even a week, let alone for life.

I saw porn just like oxygen, or water, it was such a strong urge and need for me it that i really didn't believe to live without it was even worth it.

So giving up porn wasn't an option on the table then for me, so I chose the next best option, semen retention.

This is about the time I attended my first 10 day vipassana retreat - as thought by one of my great teachers S.N. Goenka G (Global non profit non organization)

After my retreat I felt like a changed man, I felt a new measure of peace and harmony in life I almost wanted to give up my life and become a monk right then.

For about a year or so after this I was watching porn but avoided ejaculation - so mostly edging and then I had a few different girl friends and tried to keep things mostly to normal sex and if i watched porn I would not release seeds.

To give you a full transparent picture of how i was feeling then, I was in a constant state of craving for sex.

Even if i would get laid, i would keep craving for the next time i see this girl, or if i would watch porn, i was constantly on the edge of coming and my mind was totally fixed on sex almost 24/7.

Because I wasn't coming so sex was a major part of my life and day.

Overal though the self controlled life resulted in a measure of success, i got my own apartment in vancouver, which looked really nice and had a successful local business and so on...

Eventually I met a girl who became my gf, and she cheated on me, I went back to doing drugs, and I ended up selling every thing i had and going to live in Asia.

in 2013 I returned to Canada to parents house broke but much wiser, because i had been chasing so many girls in Asia, it was crazy. I had so much sex there and to my surprise i felt absolutely like hell.

Perhaps I felt the WORST in my life when I was sleeping around with the most number of girls, i was constantly anxious, nervous, even worst than when I was hooked on porn.

So any one thinking to quit porn to go to escorts - i argue that it is better to stay on porn watching, because sleeping with different women creates serious mental and emotional complexities.

***

In 2014 I went through the 12 step process as it was recommended to me by my teacher Dr. David R Hawkins who had been through it, and so i asked a friend who was in AA and he became my sponsor.

Then for the first time experienced a miracle.

The miracle was total freedom from that compulsive craving for pleasure which previously had lead me to years of drugs and sex.

For the next 6months I experienced a new "high" in life.

Free from ALL sexuality. and so confident with women, it was crazy.

This was my very first taste in Hard Mode - no porn, no masterbation no orgsms. (This means actually no touching my self ever, no edging, no pictures, nothing what so ever.)

It looked like I could get any women (not really but meaning lot of women were friendly to me)

I found myself so free and joyful, I became extremely fit (abs) and focused on growing my online business.

Now mind you i have always been fit most of my life, but this time i became ultra fit.

~~~

Then after about 6 months of hard mode, i attracted a super amazing soul - a girl who i really felt a deep connection with, who became my partner for 2.5 yrs.

I ended up making lots of money, or at least the most i have ever made in life, I felt like I am never ever going to have money problems.

I had enough to be able to live a year or more traveling and felt invincible.

(Side Note: This is where I learned, when things go well for me i become totally hypnotized into becoming overly confident, They say pride comes before the fall is so true....

(...Also now I realize I am most under danger, when I am most successful, and things are going the best, because that is when I am most easily able to override my own souls calling and to listen to my ego, to seek selfish pleasures)

We traveled and lived in Bali and so on... All my dreams were coming true ( until the dream turned into a mini night mare lol )

We started our relationship I was so into having sex with her i couldn't stop thinking about her for the first year.

This was also during the time i was practicing Semen Retention techniques which enabled me to keep myself rejuvenated and not loosing so much semen on mindless sex.

But then after moving in about a year or so, I felt that same lust feeling came back.

(NOTE: The lustful feeling is that sense of lack and un-fulfillment i had felt all my life. When I was watching porn, when i was seeking drugs, or seeking girls, the craving for MORE, was the EXACT same craving which would always come back to me any time I would live life without self control and self restrain.)

I would much rather to watch porn and to have sex with any one else but her. (cool-age effect)

After this we broke up and I stopped having sex for a year as I pursued a deep spiritual calling to travel and find more meaning in life.

During this time I hardly much sex once a year very few encounters which would feel empty and boring, I was still watching porn and masterbating though, and I was pretty much stuck in life in all levels, financially emotionally and mentally wen through some serious dark nights of the soul where I questioned if i should continue my life or pull the plug.

In 2018 I made another serious attempt to go hard mode.I made it for only 30 days or 60 days (can't recall) but very soon went back to porn.

Then again in 2018 for the second time (December) i did a reboot for about 90 days and noticed some improvement but I didn't have the paitience to keep goin and I resumed to sexing and living a careless life.

I was feeling again over confident and I felt I can handle it.

I started to smoke cigarettes once a while (for fun) even though i was super into healthy living. (justifications of the mind)

Through sheer force and hard work I started to land more business deals and success, I even went to Sandiego couple of times and had 4 figure months in sales, but again, the fire went out.

I felt unstable, i noticed a new pattern arise in me, I was so needy over my new girl who i would feel nerovous and anxious if she wasn't around.

Then around September she and I seemed to be going deeper and deeper 'in love' so she invited me over to live with her as her mom was away for a week.

I was so excited to have a full week of fuckfest, but I felt like if i am going to live with her, this will take our relationship to a new level, so I went to be more transparent about my current business challenges I was facing.

After that conversion, she turned away and she revealed that she had lost all attraction to me because i wasn't who she was expecting to be.

So this was the final nail in the coffin for me, the intense pain of another breakup, resulted in my business totally goin down even more,

I lost my self in self pitty, lack of focus, depression, back to watching porn and so on...

This is when I found myself in a new level of rock bottom.

I'm sure others had it worst then me but here I was 35 yrs old. Living at parents house. I can't drive my car because its minus 30 outside and I don't have money to buy winter tire.

My business just crashed and burned. I get booted out of the training I was a part of because i couldn't make the payments. I had $13 in bank account, and I am living in a house w/ 7 other family members and 3 small children, noise, sounds, emotional triggers and i had so many reasons to be depressed.

This is when I was practicing silence days on Sundays, and i would take the whole day off to go within and to be quiet and meditate,

I started to experiment with fasting. Started with Daniel fast (veggies, fruits, nuts mostly) for a few days and noticed It helped me regulate my mood.

Then I started to get the courage to stop watching porn again.

Started a new journal, i was writing down how many days its been since last relapse. and If i would relapse I would write down, what happened, and what I learned.

After about a month or two I was too proud to get help and was 'trying' to do it alone.

Very soon I realized I can't do this alone, and reached back to NoFap community after a few years break.

On 11/11/2019 after about 30 days of relapse and self effort, I joined the accountability group created by @persona2903 (Who i am deeply grateful for), and started make daily journals.

After much contemplation and revelation I received in my 10 day retreat i came up with 10 Disciplines and made my #1 purpose in life to stick to this the best i could.

These 10 disciplines have formed from the depth of my agony and pain, and they became the light in to my experience to empower me.

THE TEN DISCIPLINES:

Connect To Silence at 3 am -5 am (tracking every day i would sleep and wake up with pen and paper ) Many days I would go back to sleep for 2-3 hours again (5 to 7 or 8) but waking up in the silence hour and connecting to God in silence has been a 'secret healer' it is hard to describe but it works for me. I now changed it to 3 am as felt inspired by Sadguru about 3:40 am being a special time.

Meditation/Alone Time (1 hour morning and 1 hour at night, vipassana) + Pausing, relaxing for 1-5 minutes for 10-25 times per day, breathing to remember a prayer and to remember my oneness with my spiritual source. As much as possible taking Silence Days on Sundays. I speak to no one, and zero work or entertainment. Only focus is to evolve my awareness to who i am, what god is, and how to live more lovingly.

No PMO - Daily check in here, helping other brothers, and being in the energy of NoFap and service.

Fasting - Started with Daniel fast, then tried to have more veggies, organic and healhty food. Avoiding/limiting sugar, candies, salty chips no alcohol, smoking, or other toxins. Plus intermittent fastings (Eating form 7am to 3pm, or eating from 4pm to 9pm *current* ) When emotional pain would come, or strung temptations, I would do a more intense fast were I would only drink Juice or just a 24-48 hour water fast which is a killer! (and so blissful)

Hour of power - Reading (20min) / 40 min Running/Workout, while focusing on what i'm grateful for, imagining a better future, speaking empowering words to myself. ( "I am strong. I am confident. I love my life" and so on...)

Radical Forgiveness - Never holding on to resentments, Instantly letting go of all grudges, small or big. In addition praying and blessing our enemies, and those who annoy us after each meditation morning and night and through the day. Resentments are like atomic bombs in our way of life, need to be washed with pure waters forgiveness.

Tithing - giving 10% of all income to a selfless cause from gratitude, this must be done in secret. not a show off, there should be no direct benefit to me for giving this money from thankfulness. I was inspired by the book 4 Spiritual Laws of Prosperity. Experience showed me this is the only way to live because the remaining 90% of the money is blessed and I feel I am under an invisible protection.

SMART goals and action - Creating specific, measurable, attainable goals and tracking my progress towards them. Usually starting the year with writing 10 goals, and focusing on top 5. each week reviewing our goals and trying to accomplish the best we can.

Mastermind - Taking initiative to bring a small group of people together on a weekly bases to help each other (as thought in the book the law of success by Napoleon Hill)

Self less service - Doing some act of kindness however small or great in secret.

After some times doing these 10 I started to feel a shift.

First I got a new minimum wage plus commission sales job.

I hated the job and almost quiet after 3 days but decided to see it like my 10 day meditation at vipassana, that after 3 days I almost left, but because I stuck with it, i had a breakthrough.

After a few days at this job, I started to feel really good again, felt my confidence come back.

I started to feel really confident because I knew i am living my most disciplined life, even though externally and financially i wasn't so much better, i was feeling changed from the inside, mainly based on how I was waking up and focusing on my attention on doing "The next right thing" ... "one day at a time".

After about 90 days Covid hit, but thankfully I had already been looking for a better job, I had a good friend who helped me with my job searched and I learned how to tweak my profile and was able to land a better job.

While i was at the sales job I was approached by someone who offered me a new job with the highest salary i Have ever had in my life in management position. (Miracle)

Then about 6 months after, I got another job with potential for higher pay and more flexibility and now I am full-time self employed.

it's been about 1.5 yrs since then, I now have a very simple and efficient home by myself, where I can sleep , meditate, workout and work from home.

I live exactly where I wanted to live.

I am working on a very inspiring project with a co-founder building a global community of people who want to expand their perspective and create success and meaning in their lives.

I am living with more self control. Tracking finances, sleep, food and limiting other time wasters.

Again i'm far from perfect but I am finding a new level of inner power to do what I say I want to do, like never before.

Compared to others I am nothing special, but compared to where I was a year and a half ago, i feel extremely blessed.

Another point, worth mentioning, during the last 1.5 yrs I saved the most money, paid the most debt, been consistent on living on budget, and now have the most savings I have had since the past 5 years.

I would say I feel really good about 80% of the time, there is the 20% when I feel lonely, frustrated, agitated, and lustful, where as before it was the other way around (80% lustful/depressed/lonely and 20% happy)

Urgets can come at any time, but now i have a higher awareness which enables me to drop on my knee and ask for help, take a cold shower, or go meet a friend instead.

Almost every Sundays (today) I take time off from all financial concerns or pleasures of relationships, and i put my focus on rising my awareness of what I am and deepening my bond to myself.

It is hard to describe but it seems like after this time, I am learning how to be very content being by myself, which I have never in my life felt before. (EVER)

***

Reading my journal from the previous years I see a huge positive shift on how well I feel, but I would be lying to say I am blissful all the time.

but I'm learning to go into the loneliness, and the loneliness it self is becoming a motivation for me to deepen my spiritual awareness of the inner bliss...

Having said I am walking on raisers edge, meaning any day i can fall to temptation and relapse, but I also feel there is an invisible hand of grace protecting me.

As my relationship with women, the past 1.5. yr i had plenty of opportunities to get in relationships but I avoided it (perhaps partly by choice and partly because no one really captured my attention in a deep way)

Ironically I have now more 'close' female friends than I have had in my entire life who I can call, talk to and hang out with.

I recently started to work with a coach and since I have been meeting girls all the time and playing around with FB dating.

And I'm opening myself to a new partner who will be in alignment t my long term vision with my work and as well as matching my love for Truth, God, Meditation and freedom.

After much contemplation my new commitment is to avoid having sex for the first 6-12 months of my next relationship to cultivate deeper connection, and if i do have sex again, It will be with retention, or conscious choice of number of total ejaculation per year and never giving myself free pass to have as much as as I like with my partner, because experience showed me it leads to coolage effect and in my case self destruction.)

I also realized I could never really love a woman before, until I was able to come to a measure of freedom from compulsion over sex.

I feel I see women (and other people and animals) from a higher perspective, you could call it oneness or love, which makes me feel more at home and connected, wherever I go.

I hope this share inspires someone on some level.

Feel free to ask any questions.
Click to expand...

Incredible journey, seems to me meditation opens you up to demonic forces. First they allegedly make you feel better and then when you're hooked they bring back the addictions even harder.

Your crashes are harder and harder each time, if you don't get protection against those spirits you summoned by meditating and doing other occult stuff, your mext crash might be fatal for your life. They might make you commit suicide.

I suggest instead of those moments of silence and other rituals you implemented, you start going to Church on sunday.

InnerMan · Jun 16, 2021

cresyhorse said: ↑

I suggest instead of those moments of silence and other rituals you implemented, you start going to Church on sunday.
Click to expand...

LOL. I don't think you were trying to be funny, but that was funny. Nothing against Church btw. God bless

cresyhorse · Jun 16, 2021

InnerMan said: ↑

LOL. I don't think you were trying to be funny, but that was funny. Nothing against Church btw. God bless
Click to expand...

lol people be doing all kinds of weird shit instead of talking to The Being that made them..

RightEffort · Jun 19, 2021

cresyhorse said: ↑

Incredible journey, seems to me meditation opens you up to demonic forces. First they allegedly make you feel better and then when you're hooked they bring back the addictions even harder.

Your crashes are harder and harder each time, if you don't get protection against those spirits you summoned by meditating and doing other occult stuff, your mext crash might be fatal for your life. They might make you commit suicide.

I suggest instead of those moments of silence and other rituals you implemented, you start going to Church on sunday.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your perspective, I fully get where you are coming from. I am not trying to convince you differently.

I used to belong to churches and heard these thought systems, and in my research and experience this is not valid nor true. so we can agree to disagree

Meditation is the the only way to true freedom and results in the experience that is called "GOD" that most religious people never really understand.

RightEffort · Jun 19, 2021

modern milarepa said: ↑

Yes that will be very interesting the cure of a sex problem is in sex itself sex is healthy and also solo practice.
Click to expand...

You know it's interesting because i feel like after masterbating alone last week without porn, I felt a measure of pleasure and sense of circulation of energy,

But when i involved porn to the combo while initially i felt more aroused, it resulted in a very stuck/frustrated energy and I felt worst and with a head ache, its like I could feel the yang energy becoming over charged.

The curious thing is ever since last week that I stopped the conscious celibacy choice and being open to sexuality, I noticed My dating life has taken off.

This week alone I had 3 days which and today a 2 hr phone date. I could have pulled the trigger on the first one, but upon reflection I realize that wouldn't have served me.

So now i'm in a new phase of dating women and the crazy part is i attracted a very attractive women who shares my views about sacred sexuality and she has also been celibate for about the same time as me, and she also loves meditation and so on,

So I'm considering a new phase of developing connection to another human being, but mostly through physical touch, connection and keeping sex out until/if it is something that still resonates, after we have been through each others shit and passed the honey moon phase of a relationship

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