Day 20. Had really strong urges today but pushed through and stayed focused. Looking forward to making further headway.
Day 8: Uruk – Hai (You feel stronger and faster but you´re still a slave of PMO evil. A desire arises to break free from it´s chains) Not a terrible day so far. Gonna attend a live stream soon. Good to have gone up a rank; almost back in the fellowship! This old guy ranted to me for ages earlier about how poor he is and how much he hates living where he does because his mom blew the family money. I'm glad I'm starting to figure out how to make more money. I definitely wouldn't want to be so broke at his age. Truth is though... This guy rants about everything. He's really homophobic too and doesn't like that his neighbors are from Morocco. I think he's starting to go mentally. I feel bad for his situation but he will complain about all kinds of random things every time I go by him. Last time it was that they put too many signs in the nearby trail. His main issue in life seems to be that he can't smoke wherever he wants.
Day 12 complete! @Juxtaposition Bold move, but that's the sort of thing it takes to help us get past all this. That kind of honesty and self-awareness won't be easy but I think it's a really good idea, so best of luck. @Akeakua How are you doing, friend? I noticed a relapse recently. Might help if you tell us a bit about your circumstances? As for myself, I had a wet dream last night, and it felt like there was some pretty strong chaser associated with that. Had a close call around midday while trying to take a quick nap, but we're all good. St. Therese of Lisieux, pray for us!
Day 9 done! I gave my all in BJJ yesterday. There was no coach, so all we did was wrestle and we wrestled a lot. I am bruised everywhere, I am still tired. But it feels damn great. And I started to care for my wife more. She noticed and started to feel less angry and sad. 46 days without porn.
Day 4 Feeling stronger but afraid. Yesterday I’ve started a mindfulness course about self-compassion and it kind of made me laugh. Everything was about “accept yourself just the way you are”. And “let go of the need to change yourself” and all I could think about is how much I want to both have self compassion and completely change myself. Not only by stop watching porn but also start working out and eating better, read more books instead of YouTube and all that stuff. How can we both be forgiving and accepting of who we are while also try to really change a huge part of ourselves that had such a big impact on our lives for 10-15 years? Even tough at times I feel really alone in my struggle with porn abdication, even inside this community. Sometimes it is scarry to read something that 100% is me. I just wasn’t the person who wrote it. To see that someone else is just going though and feels exactly what I feel is kind of a surreal experience. Thank you @crazyhorse11, this post help me both to fight PMO and to not feel alone.
Recalibrating sex, sex as food "You should see form as a man blind from birth, hear sounds as if they were echoes, smell scents as if they were winds, experience tastes without discrimination, touch tangibles in awareness of the ultimate lack of contact in gnosis, and know things with the consciousness of an ilusory creature. " Licchachi Vimalakirti, Vimalakirti sutta I just had sex again with this new girl I'm seeing. She has a better energy compared to my ex which was super hot but a toxic person we didn't last a month. But in terms of overall energy, mental clarity and relaxation I feel 100 times better with this girl. The difference is only the girl, my ex wasn't demanding or anything but she was just negative and a bad vibe in general. I had sex with negative toxic people in the past. Maybe if you just have sex once it's not a big deal but whenever I keep having sex with the same toxic person one time after the other I started to become like a zombie and my general energy wasn't that shinning as usually is. Conclusion: A hot girl but with a negative energy is like a very refined, delicious but unhealthy meal it can taste good but in the long run if you keep eating it it can intoxicate you. Even if you just eat it once.
Day 0 - Nazgûl I have not been on in over a week, and I have been struggling. The last three days in fact have involved in many ways a binge. Wednesday I viewed for two hours before PMOing. Thursday I viewed for half an hour before PMOing, and last night I view for another half an hour before PMOing. My best friend who is knowledgable of my addiction asked how pornography could take up so much time as one would think that it would speed up the coming, but I said that it is much more complicated than that. I don't just view to MO, I can view for hours as I edge until I find something I can release to. It is not just about the orgasm, that is just the end result, and thus, it would probably be quicker to MO without P than it would be to PMO. Because though PMO may lead to more stimulation, the addiction feeds off of not MOing for as long as possible. I don't know if anyone feels the same way, but that is how I view P versus MO. Both take time, but with P, it is not about releasing as fast as possible, but rather holding on as long as possible. Same goes with edging. If we just MO'd straight off without edging or P, we may be better off. I don't know, it is a complicated mess. In other news, I took my first shower in 4 days, and I fully intend to accomplish my goals today. Back to journaling in my three journals, working on my novel. Reading. Language practice, and bed by 9-10PM. Anyway, I hope to have a better update tomorrow. Best, Mathman1994
Day 1 Feeling very poopy today. Generally just very fatigued and sluggish and lacking motivation to do literally anything. But I still somehow managed to get through today without relapsing, even after the many urges I've had today. Strangely enough I think because my brain now knows about the VR situation it wants to relapse specifically using the VR headset browser (since nothing is blocked on there) but thankfully I don't have the balls to risk being caught doing that especially in VR so I'm not able to relapse.
Day 9 A lot of stress today. I was very unwell for a long time (I ended up in the psyche ward and everything) and spent a long time "in the system" so to speak. I was fed all kinds of meds and stuff since I was a teenager. I am now not on anything and I know they never made a difference. When I first started to make a big push to figure my life out a case manager I had got me into a very affordable apartment and I even got a subsidy to help out. As I've been doing better and making more that is now being clawed back. As a result a portion of my rent that was being covered has been gradually accumulating unpaid and I figured it'd still be automatically coming out. I was contacted about this (way after the fact) last month. They said they would contact me again later about setting up a repayment plan, but I never ended up hearing back. I should have followed up on the 1st, but I didn't. Now I'm getting an eviction notice. I can't contact them till Monday when the office opens to figure this out... I'm pretty sure it'll be fine, but my anxiety problem is still very real and acts up during times like these. I'll just explain what happened and honestly just pay it all off in one go because I want it off my chest. Screw some long drawn out repayment thing. I doubt they would evict me since I was supposed to hear back so I kinda got an excuse, plus I can pay it all now. I think someone in the chain forgot to tell the right person at the rental company what was going on. In the end even though I feel some balls were dropped on their end I still should have been way more proactive in following up rather than waiting for like over a month to hear something... These kind of things need to be kept on top of. I don't like that I decided to lay back and let someone else deal with my problem. I have had issues hearing back from these guys before so I already knew they weren't that reliable, yet I still did it. Even though I was really tempted to PMO being so stressed I decided I can't use that as an excuse, and I still got my workout in too. I'm sure it will all work out, but a more catastrophic part of my brain says maybe not.
Day 5 I've been really tired in the last couple of days. But I'm still here. I'm going to try and work out 3 times at least every week at the gym, but for that I'm going to have to wake up at like 06:20 and that's going to be crazy hard... But I'll try
