(sorry for long reply) I acted on gay intercourse when I was just 13 and it was more like a bro-sex, like the meme... no homo It's hard to explain, but didn't feel any afection and nothing romantic or special, it was more like a experimenting things Then I got a gilfriend, and another, and travelled around the world and banged more chicks. Eventually, PIED was starting to hit me on real life, I was way too obsessed with sex. Going out 3-4 times a week while on a prestigious corporate job (big4 consulting) just to see if I can get some pussy for the night, going to prostitutes and paying for sex, trying to bang every possible girl on Tinder (plus spending on tinder 1-2 hours a day just chatting or swiping... horrible feeling afterwards), checking for transexuals around my area, and then.. if I was high or very drunk, was checking for guys and then fapping, regretting, feeling like shit and deleting the Grindr app For me, I had 2 things: A young gay experience and a case of scalation + a lot of numbness and reality avoidance. I did have sex with 2 guys, I did suffer PIED with both, with one I cummed and with the other I had to stop the intercourse. With the guy I cummed, after I did, then I had to stop it again. It was... Not disgusting but almost. Did not feel natural, felt weird. I was feeling like a caged animal, acting on my worst ideas... just looking for that dopamine spike. Was shit... So gay and ts porn did push me to act on that. Why did I watch that? Because hookers ads and normal porn was not making it. I had to see BDSM and hardcore things to get arousal. I had to see suffering. That suffering, turned into me... Made me have a fetish of being dominated and even somewhat humilliated. I was not fully loving myself. Fastforward to current state. Have not been with a guy for... 16-24 months. Can't even remember. Did watch gay porn just quite recently, but did have a 10 months of being clear. When I reached to 90 days nofap, was feeling way better, more aware and more awake. More hetero, more pure, better. Woke. In order to reach that state, I had to take care of my self. Teeth, gym, learning to code, data science, calisthenics, amazing diet, intermittent fasting, meditation, running and more running. When I was in that state, things were just in the right place, I have found the secret that you must have a balanced life. I was looking those things because I was having traumas, I was not loving me, I was low steem. I needed love. to my self. I was not giving it to me, that is why I also hurted so many chicks. Was I a disgusting fuckboy? Well, I was quite lovely, emotional and caring. But then, I did not always clearly say that I did not want committment and took profit of that misunderstanding. So I am not attracted to men, but I have a fetish for dicks and feel horrible if I act on it. Hopefully, with this year, I will make the situation better. But it is a burden to be so confused. It is painful and a lot of pressure. Cheers.
thanks for your answer. Once you relapsed to gay porn did you feel as attracted to it as you were before? or have you noticed if you have the same attraction to all your fetishes as before?
Mmm When I relapsed this year to gay porn, it was because in Twitter I saw a gay video that appeared in my feed randomly without me looking for it It aroused me because it was forbidden rather than because it was men A year and a half ago, I would fap for being bottom and expand on that fantasy. But the last gay or ts relapses is more like I get aroused because I know I should not be doing it and because I see a dick. Porn really affects your mind. Fetishes of course became more mild and some have vanished. There is still attraction to some, the neurological paths are still there. It is a long journey. I would like to be fully porn free for a whole year I also read that it is beneficial to do a combo of rebooting and rewiring with a partner to speed up the process of recovery. If I had a gf this might be easier
I admire you for such a well-written and thoughtful post. Some parts were new for me. Thanks. However in my opinion, it's not that simple. For example you said it's changeable. I'm not sure if it applies to everyone or it's practical anyway. I'm afraid there is no single way that answers everyone's problems. Nevertheless you have a good insight.
I will add that as a genuine bi guy I only realised my sexuality *during* my stint away from porn, not during my unhealthy relationship with it (and in case you need further reassurance, I never even tried watching gay porn before realising I was bi). When you overuse porn it has a tendency to replace your sexuality with fetishes, and most of these fetishes aren't representative of what you actually find attractive. If the thought of possibly being attracted to men really does scare you you might want to look within yourself to see if you have any internalised heteronormativity (better known as internalised homophobia but I think that term is pretty accusatory and just makes people defensive). There's nothing wrong with being attracted to men and if you can work through any negative perceptions of LGBT people you may have internalised you may end up getting less of an "anxiety kick" from gay/trans porn and therefore it'll have less effect on you. If you want to go down the rabbit hole, nobody really knows Figures range from 1% all the way to 18% depending on who you ask and what criteria you use (If you ask Freud, maybe even 100% of people are bi). If you ask me, something around 5% is probably about right, but what do I know anymore than anyone else? It doesn't really matter at the end of the day, the importance of LGBT rights and treating eachother equally is the same whether it's 0.1 or 100%.
If you are willing to elaborate, I would be interested in knowing how you came to realise all this during a streak.
There isn't too much to elaborate on, there was a time between now and when I first realised I had a porn problem where I went almost half a year without using once, and maybe 3/4ths of a year only using once or twice. Most of my porn induced fetishes went away and my actual sexuality came into focus - when you aren't numbing yourself with porn its a lot easier to tell what genuinely turns you on (and also, you can get turned on a lot easier), and one day I saw a guy and thought "oh shit, I think I find him hot". Obviously you don't turn your identity from straight to bi in a day, it's a process, but that's how it started. In fact, maybe this is tangential, but I think a lot of my porn induced fetishes center around denying my attraction to men, which I think I was aware of on a subconscious level from a pretty young age (during my teenage years, I always used to justify getting flustered around attractive men as "social anxiety"). When I was in my first porn rut (of which I guess I'm now in my second) I tended to escalate to porn that was super feminine. I won't name any specific genres just to be doubly safe that I don't trigger anyone, but as time went on I would seek out "straighter" and "straighter" porn, only featuring women. In other words, I escalated in the complete opposite direction to people who escalate to gay or trans porn.
Thank you for taking the time to give a detailed response. A similar thing happened with me. I have been on many long streaks and on them almost all my fetishes fade but my actual attractions to women and men dont. I think for me because my attraction is like 95% the former and like 5% the latter, it's very easy to not even think about it. Most of the time I dont honestly. This is really interesting, I dont think I have seen anyone else do this but I have to imagine some have. Also being vague to avoid triggering anyone, for me I definitely escalated way beyond what I actually like.
was reading recently about porn escalation and how a porn numbed brain would seek the ultimate spike to be able to feel again according to this article https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ybo...n-on-the-user/exposure-therapy-for-hocd-2012/ have read many people here confused, in fear about why they feel certain things about same gender let it be sexual arousal or any other thing even small things like watching 2 men kissing, or even male bodies, or even seeing gay men in the street they feel attraction of some sort, some say that if you only get aroused by your thoughts that would be enough proof of not being gay and that it would only be an effect of porn, but as stated in that link it seems like that's not a general rule nor proof of nothing, you can well feel pleasure out of any possible thing that produces fear, anxiety or any emotion that could turn on your numbed reward system it's just the way it works when it has become numbed from years of porn and that explains why some addicts go and actually pursue intercourse with other men and feel pleasure from it, also some say to do a 90 day reboot and that after that if you still get this fantasies and pleasures it would mean you're gay, in my opinion that's not quite true it may be for people who didn't go so deep or that didn't expose to porn for a prolongued time but what in my experience might be true is that recovering from this ssa would take more than a few months, let's put it this way, any addict of any kind "alcoholics, drug addicts" they don't recover in 3 months from their long therm addictions it takes years and a lot of effort to overcome it, I'm almost on my 5 month clean of porn and I can assure that I'm in the beginning of my recovery and watching benefits as time passes, it also helps to start making conscious of what is behind this attraction too " low self steem, father hunger, masculine characteristics that we wish we had and we find in other men" let me quote something interesting that has been said in that article, something a gay man felt for women after being gay his entire life, would this mean he was straight in denial? I don't think so. Second guy: The scary thing is that I’ve been seeing women as crazy attractive, and men or the idea of men pretty nonsexual. As a gay man who’s pretty much exclusively had relations with other men since high school, this is kind of weird. Even when I see “ugly” ladies walking on the street, I can’t help but picture what it’d be like to have crazy sex with them right there. Will it stop? Is it reversible? also hocd feeds from fear, we see attractive men and we fear and get anxious, we imagine sexual things and we get the same so for a porn addict this only makes it worse because it means we're going to turn that number reward system on through those negative emotions, think about, through our way scalating from different porn genres it always has something to do with novelty and maybe something that somewhat produces anxiety and fear "beastiality, bdsm, etc" so in the end it's not the male thing that turns us on but the negative feeling behind it which confuses everyone to no end, what helps us leaving porn behind and any substitute for it, there has been cases of people who even take years to recover, in that time tbey gradually lose interest in ssa but they also have to combine their efforts along reinforcing their masculinity and even therapy.
When I want intimacy, or a relationship, I'll be with a woman. I love getting lost in the way a woman's body fits mine. When I just want someone to be physical with, I can enjoy being with a man. I've never engaged in intercourse with a man, though. And when I'm in a relationship with woman, I loose all interest in men. I've never doubted my masculinity...I think being a man is awesome. I love being a man.
I don't think I would watch gay porn if I wasn't gay. Now I try not to masturbate. I haven't done it for about five months now. I only masturbate when I'm with my boyfriend, and we don't want to have penetrative sex. Sometimes even regular petting can be great fun, don't you agree? I have an agreement with my boyfriend that we don't masturbate alone because we have a sexual partner for that. This is the longest I've been in a relationship. We do a lot of role-playing, getting ready to have sex creatively. You can check over here to see where we get our ideas from. We once had sex and imagined I was Jon Snow, and he was Tormund Giantsbane. It was really cool.
