Bad advice on the forum

I'd assume there is none, since it's pretty much impossible to formulate an objective standard what constitutes "good" and "bad" advice respectively. I guess that's were individual responsiblity comes into play; you gotta categorize the things you hear yourself.

 

That's what happens when someone brings their own biases , or assumption of "virtuous" lack of them, to the table instead of putting close attention to what the person is saying.

 

I think it's because accepting something is easier than fighting it. So naturally some people will suggest to accept a fetish as part of yourself, and even will go further and say that it's part of your identity.

Everyone should decide for themselves if it's true or not.

I think, what helped me the most, is neither fighting nor accepting our PMO driven desires, but to simply ignore them.

I'm on day 9 I think of NoFap, and found abstinence ridiculously easy just because I've realized that it's just chasing something you won't get anyway.

Let's talk for example about these female clothing. I was also suggested that I "might be trans". This is absolutely not true, I love being a guy, what I'm having is just a cross dress fetish which a lot of hetero guys have.

But, I realized, that I'm never gonna be satisfied with it.

"I think about cross dressing and fap to that fantasy" -> I'm gonna be more frustrated, because it's only in my imagination

"I watch guys cross dressing as sissies and fap to that" -> I'm gonna be more frustrated, because it's them cross dressing and not me

"I'm gonna try on some female clothing and fap" -> I'm gonna be more frustrated, because I don't look "pretty" while doing it

"I'm gonna shave myself completely, wear make up, and then cross dress and fap" -> I'm gonna be more frustrated, because I am doing this alone

"I'm gonna cross dress and meet up with somebody to have fun with" -> I'm gonna be more frustrated because there is no love involved in all of that

"I'm gonna cross dress while having sex with the love of my life" -> I'm gonna be more frustrated, because ultimately, I want her to wear these ultra feminine cloths

It's a cycle of self-torture. So I simply gave up that self-torture. I still acknowledge that all of my fetishes still turn me on, but I choose not to allow them in my head, because I don't want to end up being more frustrated

 

NoFap has an unlovely reputation in the greater world as being misogynistic, homophobic, and toxically masculine in general. As a result, the moderating policy is to come down on those behaviors relatively hard, while encouraging open mindedness as much as possible. That makes situations like yours difficult. Not terribly long ago, if a person announced they had unwanted feelings of a sexual nature, it would have been considered universally appropriate to get rid of those feelings. The morality has since changed. Now the outside world doesn’t consider the feelings to be the problem. Now we have the concept of “internalized racism/sexism/homophobia,” which makes you the problem. “Why don’t you want those feelings?,” people are now free to demand, “Are you a bigot?” The idea is, you must have been attracted to that kind of porn for a reason. Any distress you are feeling must be from the pressures of heteronormativity, according to the new morality. That’s why people can get away with saying truly awful stuff to you, even on forum like this, in a time where you are vulnerable and desperate and in need of support.

Here’s something nobody wants to admit, and have never wanted to admit: we don’t know anything about sexuality. We don’t know what makes people gay, just that some people are. We don’t know if that can be changed. We don’t know exactly why some people get into certain paraphilias, only that some do and there tend to be certain genres people are drawn to. The problem is, these issues are so incredibly loaded, it’s virtually impossible to do good science on them, and even more impossible to report findings with any clarity. All I know for sure is this; when a person like you says they have unwanted feelings, I take them at their word.

That’s all I know. I suspect a lot more. I suspect sexuality is malleable, and I suspect early and/or powerful experiences have great impact on development. I think people get sucked into porn, and maybe there is a slight proclivity toward certain sexual behaviors, and maybe it’s just whatever you happen to stumble into, but I know for a fact many men here report escalating into genres of porn they never found attractive before and are horrified to be involved in now.

I further suspect, if that attraction was learned then it can be unlearned. If you want to know where your true self lies, quit sex. Not just porn. Quit ALL of sex for a while. Quit planning around it, worrying about it, obsessing over it. Learn to live without it before you can figure out how to live with it.

 

Well stated Meshuga, I agree wholeheartedly.

A red flag for me, and the only times I've "ignored" someone here, is seeing ex-spouses on here spewing bitterness and negativity. They're obviously dealing with their own demons in several different ways by coming on here to be beacons of wisdom and virtue. Bottom line is this: if you're not PMO addicted, why are you here? You "just want to help"? Fine, go pick up trash on the highway.

Addicts need other addicts to recover, not a thrill-seeking audience.

The OP is correct to be wary, lots of iffy advice, got to be your own editor.

 

Very few ex spouses on here. The ex generally move on and have no desire to interact with addicts. There are many spouses on here who are still in the trenches fighting for their marriage who may give unwanted, but not necessarily bad advice. Most of the really bad advice I’ve seen is from other addicts. Those who haven’t studied addiction or neuropathways/neuroplasticity. Those who don’t understand how IA or depression, or adhd can drive addiction and have no idea how to first address those mental health issues alongside addiction. Some of the top addiction specialists/counselors are not addicts. You know who’s shaming this guy about being gay? Other addicts on the forum, not spouses. You know why? The spouses understand it’s an addiction that escalated to completely unwanted behaviors. Just because you’re an addict doesn’t mean you understand how to stop your behaviors, if it did you would’ve stopped.

 

QuietKarma, I've come across some users who share advice and opinions that I don't like. The forum is a place where people can mostly share their opinions freely. I don't think there's much that can be done if you are getting advice or opinions that you don't like.

You can still put users on your Ignore list though. When a user is on your Ignore list, all his or her posts and content is hidden from your view.

You can not really do anything about advice and opinions not directed at you.

 

“You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.” -Harlan Ellison.

I think a lot of people are simply ignorant as to why porn is a problem. But to go as far as to decide your sexuality for you is going way overboard. I've spoken to plenty of gay, lesbian, and bisexual people (mostly online but still) and pretty much all of them realized they were whatever they were by having real life experiences. Crushes on the same-sex as a teenager being the big one that I kept seeing.

In the end only you can decide what applies to you.

 

You hit the nail with that. I'm a perfect example of this type of ,,escalation''. Since 10, when I stumbled across a semi-nude picture of a woman...I became obsessed with their bodies. I watched only straight porn till 2018/19. Till this year I was redirected by some porn sites on gay/trans genres, but I was disgusted by them. But I abused the straight genre for so many years that it became ,,boring''. I can still watch it, no problem, but I don't feel that same high. So I got into extreme things like incest, BDSM etc, then trans, later gay porn, wanting to be submissive and even gore or snuff stuff.

The question is, how the hell I started to became aroused by these things when in the past I was so turned off and disgusted by them? It is weird. I think sexuality is malleable and you can be ,,programmed'' to like certain things. I don't think it's bad to pursue those things if you like them and you are ok with them. But it's quite distressing when these things make you anxious, depressed etc. I even tried to accept the fact that I might be bisexual, but it didn't help. So the only thing that remained for me to do is to quit porn for many months and see if it will make a difference.

Another thing is that I never had an emotional connection with men, only with women. Never had a crush on a man, only with women. For a year or so, since my questioning started, every time I look at a man, I feel a knot in my chest, like a weight has been placed over it.

Ps: I'm not religious and my family rarely is as well. I never cared about gay people and my motto was: Let them do whatever they please with their bodies and lives, it's not my problem.

 

It's tough for men to deal with the damage P has done, the escalation that happens to us all when we feed our addictions, which can in time rewire our brains to the point of questioning our own sexuality even into middle age. Our brains need to be reset, they need time away from sexual thoughts, that part of us needs to simply rest. The man you were is still in there, you've just become totally desensitized to the point of normal sexuality becoming boring. Like all addicts, you're chasing the next big high.
The outside world screaming the message of "You're perfect just the way you are!" doesn't help an addict.

We come here to be brutally honest with each other and to get away from that message. But the outside world creeps in here too, addicts need to stay hyper-aware of this.

 

You started to become aroused because you found “ something” new within your addiction. You aren’t addicted to sex per se, you use sex to get a dopamine hit. Your brain knows that pmo will give you that hit the easiest. However, because it’s an addiction, you need more and more because as you get bigger hits your brain is compensations by reducing your dopamine receptors. This is why addicts do not get the same joy in life over small things like someone who isn’t an addict. Things you once enjoyed be one boring. This is also why addicts escalate “ chasing” the first high. Your addition has also caused your prefrontal cortex to shrink, in essence you have lost grey matter in your brain. This causes bad decisions, memory loss, etc. many addicts on here are mainly worried about how it’s affected their sexuality but truly disturbing is what it’s done to your brain. Fortunately you can heal from it! My husband is coming up on 4 years in recovery and the changes have been massive in every aspect of his life. Sometimes he doesn’t even realize the changes, until I mention how he used to act, react or behave. It’s amazing.

 

That quote: "You're perfect just the way you are!" is so stupid. Nobody is perfect and will never be. We are imperfect, that's what makes us different. We can improve or get worse, but this quote is making people give up on improvement. For example, losing weight. I'm overweight but I try to lose weight, by the new liberal progressive view I'm fatphobic and I ,,endanger'' fat people's lives. For fu***ng sake. There are a lot of things that we can improve with our lives and bodies, things that left unchecked can lead us to despair and the worst thing...death.

 

Fatphobic, yeah that one gets me. I guess I'm fatphobic everytime I step on a scale and sigh.

 

I have learned from the positive messages in this forum that resonate with me.

porn is destructive
Masturbate is destructive
Love is the antidote
Porn means not loving yourself or others
If you love someone you can express it through sex, but sex without love is far less satisfying
Love is different to lust

lust takes you down the wrong path
Lust is where you want something you believe is wrong/taboo
This leads to perversions which are ultimately destructive

love is where you share good feelings

Objectification is where you only look at someone as a body

love is where you connected with the body mind and spirit… this allows for a happy life

 

Agreed on all counts. Porn is about as far from healthy human sexuality as it gets.

 

This is very true. We can moderate and censor speech just because we feel that is bad, offensive.

 

What do you mean and why did you quote me to say that? I didn't say anything in regards to moderation and censorship.

 

Wow, I have been on here regularly for about 6 years, and I have never heard anyone deliberately label someone [usually straight guys suffering from same-sex attraction (SSA)] that he was gay. Usually, I find the opposite: advice is often given to assure such a guy that it's porn that causes confused thinking of all sorts, twisting one's mind into SSA and worse, many other darker fetishes. I also cannot imagine any advice to prompt one to deliberately pursue a fetish, like crossdressing. Do you find this advice being suggested all the time? Or, is it one member's misplaced thinking upon you, perhaps misguided advise if you were posting about sexual doubts or fetish temptations as you see in porn, which is the common lot of many guys here. Was the poster suggesting that perhaps you should try crossdressing and get it out of your system, that kind of thing? Again, not the best of advice, but it's hard to imagine such bad advice if there's no context. You can report any individual post, of course, if you find abuse or member violations. You also can block such folks from being visible to you. Then, you can then just go about your business of recovery.

Best wishes!


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Been here for over six years as well and I agree that in the past people usually ensured each other, that porn most likely has to do with these confusing thoughts some suffer from. But I must also say I've seen the other sort of "advice" you mentioned in increasing numbers as of late. And given that I've even seen Moderators of this site give out advice along those lines, I doubt that reporting will do anything. I noticed this shift a while ago and I don't really know what to make of it. It also appears to me that the numbers of people confused about their own sexuality seems to increase lately, althoug this is a subjective observation I made and I have no statistics to back up my claim.