Hi @Tao Jones - thank you! I'll not be gone long, I just want to leave the journal alone for a few days. I have a big move to Scotland to sort out. I need to keep trying to get that organised. I'm trying to move up there and live nearer to my girlfriend who is Scottish. It's been quite complicated finding somewhere to live and a job, as I live about 5-6 hours away. I have a Microsoft Teams job interview on monday for a job in the NHS in Scotland (domestic assistant), and another in a weeks time for the Police (as a cleaner). If I can get moved to Scotland with my girlfriend it will mean a new church, new church family, new friends, new job. Hopefully a much fuller and livelier life where I can forget about MO and instead involve myself in helping others and being active in the community.
I'm stooped in MO too man, it's a struggle. My college break is ending soon so that's gonna help. Enjoy your leave and do make sure to come back! Best wishes with figuring things out. Will pray for you!
Hey @EastAnglian! Sorry for what happened in your life, know that you're no less loved, accepted, and appreciated by the Father, Jesus, & me. You're accepted in the family because of Jesus' success, not you failure and I'm cheering you on because I know that you can do it! My advice to you is that of Romans 12:2 - the renewal of the mind. Since you are already forgiven (Eph 4:32) and holy (Col 1:22) in the eyes of the Father, it's your duty to take advantage of the grace available to you through Jesus' resurrection and learn the new way of Kingdom of Heaven thinking. Your relapse didn't happen because you suck and you're just a hopeless failure (which you're absolutely not!) but because your neural pathways are still wired to think like the world does. If you invest time to learn how to think more like Heaven and less like the world, that process will bring you into the holiness that you long for.
Hi WinningSystem thanks! I like your scripture journal. Best wishes to you too. I went to church today and confessed and even joined a home group which I've been wanting to do for a long time now. So I feel a bit less depressed about it today. I just had a lot of time off over Christmas too, so I can understand about your college break being difficult. It's much easier when we are busy and getting on with life like you are with your college work. All the best with your studies! Lol thanks I absolutely do feel like I suck and I'm a hopeless failure right now so your kind words and advice are much appreciated. I do need to think more like Heaven and not like the world. My messed-up mind, body and soul isn't going to be fixed overnight. It is going to take a lot of study and praying and healing to fix how warped by PMO I have become over the years. But I think this time I can do it. I will invest much more time in Bible study and fellowship and prayer and try and think more like Heaven and less like the world. Back soon anyway, thank you.
Oh for goodness' sake. I have sinned against God yet again. I have to come on here to confess to my fellow believers and apologise once again to you all. I have let everybody down again and it has been less than a week this time. No excuses I just have to do better. I mean it's not like I'm trying to swear off heroin or meth or something I'm just trying to stop beating the meat. It's not easy but it shouldn't be as difficult as I'm making it. It's sad. I am such a dirty old man that I can't even go five minutes without thinking about it and it is making me miserable. I was absolutely panting for it all day at work yesterday and I couldn't focus on my job. I nearly rammed an elderly lady into the wall in her wheelchair and I was nearly forgetting half of what I was doing. This is after 6 days - what am I going to be like after 6 months? God has blessed me with a wonderful long healthy life in a wealthy country with good parents and loads to be thankful for, but I have let myself become soft. I don't know how to toughen up and white-knuckle through the hard bits. I can't delay gratification. I live in a hedonistic society where you just don't ever have to do that: porn, alcohol, food, drugs, whatever. You just get what you want, all the time. God is helping me and my prayers are being answered and I can quit if I really want to. I just have to allow myself to be cured. That's proving to be the difficult bit.
Daily check-ins can be a help. Attending meetings can be a help. We must make recovery our #1 priority. Don't knock how difficult this is: Some brain science indicates that kicking a dopamine addiction (allowing dopamine levels to revert permanently to a more normal level) is every bit as tough as kicking something like heroin. It is very hard -- but not impossible. We need all the help we can get! It does get easier. How will you be after six months? Not worse, but rather, much improved! But there is no way to get to that point except to go through the "difficult bit." You must simply commit to no P and no MO, no matter what. You only need to do that hardest part one time, if you are willing to commit. Lean into Christ at every turn. Surrender each thought to him, asking him to show you the truth that replaces the lies in your thinking. (Every temptation contains a lie.) Abide in the Truth rather than lies, and you will find yourself "panting for it" far less. You only desire it so greatly because you allow yourself to become mentally fixated on it. Whatever you give your focus to is what will strengthen within you until it overwhelms you. So choose carefully what you set your mind on. You are being overrun by lust and darkness, leading to pain and regret. You can choose to be overwhelmed instead by God's love, grace, and goodness. Onward!
It gets easier, please take my word for this. Nothing is like the first week. Then you'll "flat-line", as they call it on NoFap - means you'll lose your libido almost completely for few weeks. But don't get your guard down. It's not over yet! There will be few more hard times around day 30. They point to day 90 as the magical number, but I say it's day 60. Past that it's real easy. And yes, it's every bit as hard as quiting heroin. And yes, neither you, nor I can do this. But the Lord can! I can't stress this enough! You must pray with the absolute conviction of His divine interference. When you ask for something big, your faith needs to match. Don't rush this, don't despair, don't doubt. And address all issues in your life. The different areas are not to be dealt with in separation. All aspects of the life of the believer must be subject to the calling with wich they were called. Only you can know your life and your challanges. Present your case before the Lord honestly and commit all your works upon Him. And when you thus pray, do not rush, and allow some time to listen. It's the same with reading the Scriptures - allow time to meditate. We are working out or manifesting something much bigger than breaking this addiction. The breaking of this addiction is a consequence from our bigger strive. May God bless you! We are with you, please know this!
Thank you both! Firstly I'm really sorry if my previous post was a little bit too much. I'm reading it back and I'm sorry about some of the language I chose to use there. I don't think some of what I wrote there was very polite. I am very sorry about that. I wouldn't talk like that in church. As always we did confession in church today and I knew I had sinned a great deal this past week, not just the subject matter at hand but other things I've done wrong too. I'm sorry I didn't show up again until today too, I guess I was embarassed of myself! @Tao Jones - Thanks for your advice! It's good of you to be so encouraging. Yes I need to not underestimate how difficult this is, and treat it like an actual addiction, checking in here frequently. When I don't fixate on things it is a lot easier. I think the bottom line here is that I spend too much time outside of church and work on my own, not doing anything useful or glorifying God in any way. If I can set really my mind to living a more structured life, reading the Bible more frequently, praying more frequently, and listening to worship more frequently, and keeping myself busy doing useful things then I'll be halfway to solving the problem. @WalterDouglas - Thank you! Very helpful - it's a relief to know that it does get easier, that's really good to know. I do need to address all the issues in my life, which are many, I don't just have this one sin to deal with I am also still struggling with other things atm. I think the over-arching problem is a lack of structure to my life so I am unable to address all the issues in my life as I am so disorganised.
Just don't load yourself up with so much piety and religious performance that it crushes you. We are free from all that. Do what you enjoy, what draws you to God naturally. It will require effort, esp. at first, as it does to create any new, good, healthy habit, but it should not be an onerous chore, and there should be joy in it quite quickly. God is good! Our experience of him should be good, too! Discover how to connect with God via your own unique sacred pathway. https://irp-cdn.multiscreensite.com/2988a589/files/uploaded/sacred-pathways.pdf https://groupleaders.org/spiritual-pathways-assessment
That was fun and interesting, thanks! I took the test you posted and came out as a Traditionalist. I don't know if that's got anything to do with me being an Anglican. I like the old hymns and I prefer an old church with stained glass and a lot of tradition to services. My girlfriend and my boss at work are both Pentecostal and they regard me as being a bit more traditional I think. But you're right I need to be careful not to be too strict on myself with any plans and take all of the joy out of it. There is a fine line to be trodden here - get more disciplined without becoming completely religious about everything.
Yeah Tao is right, you gotta prioritize purity. Sometimes means taking more intense steps, like irl accountability, regular meetings, dumb phone, etc. By God's grace you and me and we all can break free!
Thanks WinningSystem I agree. Purity is truly important and of value. A poster here very kindly offered to be my AP so that is a good development. I'll be on here every day now. All the best with your recovery too. I know that through God we can all succeed, even if I am struggling a little bit now.
@Tao Jones has already commented on the idea of "religious performance" being a burden and unhelpful. Your standing with God isn't improved for anything like that, but only through the blessing of Christ's work freely given to you and received by faith. But are you saying that it's only in church, or when you're reading the Bible, or when you're praying, or "listening to worship," that you are doing something useful in God's perspective, and glorifying him? Friend, even how you eat ought to be done in a way that glorifies God. 1 Corinthians 10:31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Colossians 3:17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. I don't mean this absolutely, but throw out the distinction between the sacred and the secular. You, as a priest of God (1 Peter 2:4-6; 2:9-10), are to consider your entire life as holy to God, to sanctify your all, and offer your whole self up to God as a sacrifice (Romans 12:1-2). The Reformation did away with the idea of monasteries (the "religious") and so-called "non-religious" people because it is unbiblical and wrong. Your monastery is the whole world. If you're a shoemaker, candlestick maker, or whatever, you do that work for the glory of God. Of course meeting with the Lord and the Lord's people on the Lord's Day to worship him is special and necessary (Hebrews 10:25), but don't discount the significance of the rest of the week, and your vocation: all of it can be offered up to the Lord and for his glory.
Very cool stuff! After a church service I often felt bad about myself that I couldn't remember anything that was said during the sermon. But I recently heard a pastor say that He started His sermon with a bit of background and people started actively writing along. But when he started talking about Jesus, he noticed that everyone stopped writing and just listen. Being silent and just listening together to what is true in Jesus Christ, is also a way of gloryfying God. Although I might not remember much afterwards, it feels as if my inner string resonate with His truths.
I think the trap we must avoid is the idea that we can tick a series of boxes on the test of purity and thus gain eternal salvation. Surely our goal is to follow the greatest commandment as stated several times in the Old testament and restated for us by Christ. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, mind and soul and love your neighbor as yourself. Obedience to the will of the Lord will surely spring from that as the top priority. PS - I applaud your job choices, clearly in service of others. You are no the right path, be of no doubt. Good luck in bonny Scotland. Treasure the beauty of the countryside with its endless green rolling hills and then thank God for the reason for it - rain and plenty of it.
Hi everybody! Thank you for your replies Thank you so much. I wish I could like your post twice! I am at risk of becoming a Sunday Christian who goes to church but then goes away and lives without God, just as I did before I was baptised. There is still a divide between the sacred and my secular recreational life. Unfortunately, when I try to 'fix' this I inevitably just start acting religiously and setting myself artificial goals. All of what I do should just naturally be an expression of my love for God. That's exciting and wonderful and it is really how I want to be. I am still looking at everything through the eyes of an atheist. It's hard for me to describe what I mean by that to lifelong Christians. But I am still trapped in a very worldly kind of perception and valuation of everything. Like value helpfully advised me a while back - I still need to learn from Romans 12:2 and be transformed by the renewal of my mind. I agree - I often take notes to sermons in church because my memory usually fails me. But often when my pastor talks about Jesus I find that I can't help putting the pen down and just stopping to listen. Thanks! Yes I must stop thinking this way. I think the way forward is to express my love for God and others more naturally and less religiously. My life should be a natural expression of love for God and for other people. Thank you for saying I'm on the right path, perhaps later on there's a future for me in care or nursing or something more challenging than domestic/cleaning work. I don't know yet as I'm in middle-age already but thank you. It's proving very difficult to get into Scotland and find work. Scotland is extremely scenic. I am from a landscape that is more like the low countries, East Anglia is flat and agricultural. Nice in summer with some pretty villages but because it's low-lying it isn't very scenic or photogenic. Constable, Gainsborough and others managed to memorably paint it (like my profile pic), but that was more an indication of their genius rather than the quality of the landscape. I remember going up to Perth and there are mountains around there, and there were these vast clouds of fog rolling over them. I'm not good at describing things in words but it was absolutely majestic. We were both awe-struck by the majesty of God's creation. If I do get to move up there I want to see much more of the place. Haha yes it rains but it rains where I am too, just a bit more drizzly
They each have some great points and even East Anglia has some lovely bucolic scenery, but one doesn't live in Scotland or East Anglia for the weather. However, in both locations there is a growing number of agnostics and atheists. Guard your Christian faith and keep it close to your heart. The Lord has chosen you and now you are His. Don't let the those around you drag you backwards.
I know right? It's freezing here right now! At least it isn't raining again today. Thank you, I read somewhere that the UK now has more atheists and agnostics than people of faith, for the first time. I am bucking a trend but overwhelmingly most people I meet are not believers. I do need to be really careful and not be tempted or persuaded by the world around me. 1 Peter 5:8 "Be alert and of sober mind. The devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for somebody to devour."
Good question, thank you. Sorry that my reply is so long! You got me thinking and I thank you for that. I don't know what else I can do, really: I don't have a television or any streaming subscriptions. I don't usually watch movies, and if I do they are PG13. So whilst that probably makes me a bit boring, I'm not getting bombarded with the type of nudity and sexuality and bad morals and violence you see on a lot of TV nowadays. I just don't watch any of it. I'm not a member of any risky social media sites. I'm definitely not signed up to Reddit or Instagram or Tik Tok or Facebook or any other social media. So no temptation there. Nobody in my life is pushing porn on me. Or tempting me back into my past life. I just have my church, my home group, my long-distance relationship, a few work colleagues I talk to, and my mum, dad and brother. That's my social life. So no bad influences there. I block out the outside world because it is a fallen world and the temptations are many. But this leaves me m*sturbating anyway because I get bored and lonely living on my own and because I have far too much time on my hands. I also miss out on a lot of church activities that help the community because of my work hours. I want to help my family and church and make them jams and cakes and cook and help out but, I just don't have the energy. I need to face facts that am getting a *little bit* depressed again. I struggle to get myself off to work each day and I'm getting slower and slower. Jesus has healed me of my psychotic episodes and the worst of my inner demons but my flat is still a mess, I still can't summon up the energy to do anything useful, and I'm getting more sad and frustrated now because my girlfriend is hundreds of miles away and I'm stuck talking to her on WhatsApp as a substitute for an actual relationship. I am not struggling to find clean water or food and I am thankful for all God has done for me. I am not doubting God's kindness to me. I have been referred back to the mental health services. I need to take advantage of that when they get in touch with me in a few months time. But I need to take this all before God first and foremost.
