venting a failed relationship

hi,

this winter i met a cute girl working in the same building than i. a couple rooms away.
i was aware of her before but did not want specially to talk with her as i wanted to focus on work. she is cute and i resonate with her sense of style.

we took the bus to work together often, at first i could tell she liked me... late january i invite her at my home to have coffee it went well. and i realise there are more things i like about her. i was just happy to share that moment with someone.

i wanted to invite her to Valentine's day, but she actually invites me back instead... for the date i bought chocolates, i was supposed to buy flowers but the date fell apart but we caught up in march. we were just sitting at her house talking about life, she showed me pictures she took, with family, friends, ordinary events.

in April it started to fall apart, she started declining my invitations, she did not come to have cake when it was my birthday at the office. i should have noticed but i did not. later i wanted to invite her to go to a concerned but she declined, and told me "she is rather not interested in continuing this relationship/to know me (best translation)". i am still offended by that. i asked her to tell me which from a list of 5 would be the best for me to pick. she picked number 3 i think, which was "ok to say hello". i can't just say hello i'm stupid to have acted the way i did but i don't know what i should do, i don't understand my emotional compass. [... i just send a text message to ask her when i can ask her something, i need to be able to look in her eyes but with what i know i can't right now, and she knows things i don't]. i'm just angry at myself for not being able to act with why can see. like : she doesn't care = i can do other things. that should be simple but i did not act in a way that make sense.

so anyway thanks if you read that, i feel so immature and stupid, and unlikeable. it annoys me. the past two months, i have relapsed heavily into porn which makes things worse.

 

right now i feel stupid i texted her but that's the point. i need to feel at least a bit stupid before i learn something. i want to learn.

 

ok i wanted to see her so i told her i'll get her before at the exit of the company building and then it will be done.

she answered that she did not understand what i meant and other things that i'm too confused right now to remember. i guess that's what i needed to hear to understand that i don't understand her AT ALL and i'm shit at expressing what i need to do with someone. i wanted to be honest but i am doing t
wrong somehow. i feel too ashamed, like i shouldn't be talked to. it's so hard to ger out of somebody's life. but stay near.

how could i have done something better? i am so "blind" right now. i don't know what the better me looks like nor what he does. i'm writing now because i feel that when i will be back from work porn and masturbation are my only certain directions... i'm scared!

 

thanks... i just wanted to know if there is something i did not understand because it's hard for me to know how to act sometimes. but from our previous interaction, though it was not the one i wished for i indirectly got the answer i needed. i now understand better emotionally what to do.
i deleted her number so i that i can turn the page. the only frustrations i might have now are towards myself.
the only thing i need to do is find social activities. you're right it's an ongoing problem, i'll host a party at my house this weekend.

for the social thing it's been a problem because there's a lot of activities that i like doing that are solitary but it's also true i'm better when i see people regularly... and it's the same difference as feeling dark thoughts all day and wanting to change my life for the better

thanks again... by the way how is your journey with nofap and love/relationships?

 

masturbation is focusing on yourself, if you know what i mean ;-)

seriously... i meditate every now and then. i heard regularly it is significant in emotion management, focus and feelings of happiness... i can't say i have seen the effects... if i do it right before work i feel it's useful, but otherwise i am not sure. but that's just my experience. i'd love for it to work if i were more consistent.

 

do you mean, abstaining improves clarity and decisions? i had an Internet fast in May... my life felt smaller but more manageable also... if i did it again i wished i could keep connection with a number people i like to talk to on the Internet...

 

thank you for sharing... i don't feel the same but i think that's not important. maybe it is i don't know... sometimes i see people that got together i have known when they were not, and i'm wondering how... and "they just did". the bottom line is i don't understand how these things happen, and usually they happen when i was not trying to control it. and then i fall in love and i become someone else :'( i don't know how to feel about that person. because that person wants to be with that someone i fell in love but it becomes bizarre.

 

sorry for the lack of answer it's hard for me to be faced with how i act with people sometimes... i have a tendency to become defensive, though i know only being plainly honest will help.

• ... on average more than once a week on commute...
• one time in winter at my home
• one time in spring in her room

yeah that's it. not that significant is it?
however i was obsessed. i get told not to put to much "value" on one person as they also have their own problem to deal with. but on the other hand this exaggeration helps me learn when i meet a new lady every half year. i realise this is a stupid explanation but if i looked outside of myself i would say that's how i functioned.
why i say this is stupid? well i meet no one and when i meet someone i have made very little progress in my "dealing with people" problems.

there must be a way to correct that.

thanks.

 

i think i moved on though i'm still trigger when i see her. less but still.

yes that shouldn't be the goal. my only dream is to be able to talk to anyone i have known without the shame of having acted weird in the past, but people need their space... and at the moment i can't say, "don't worry" and have a conviction there isn't something significant to worry about, like the fact that i'm isolated, that have been bored with life lately, that "you don't have to worry that you will be the only meaningful thing in my life". i don't know if you can relate but that's my situation of past month.

 

i'm ashamed of that person. and that person is "me when i want you to like me but i see it isn't working out so i'm going to lie and pretend to be nice when in fact i really want to insult you and hug you inappropriately with all my heart at the same time, (this can include: holding tears back very well because i wish i tolerated myself more)"

thanks for letting me have a place to vent nofap.com

 

i have no idea what that sentence means exactly. could you rephrase please?