1 Year on the Forum

1 Year on the Forum

Today is a very special day for me. It marks 1 year that I have been a part of this community. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the help and support you have provided me during this time. I want to write and recap some of my last year. I appreciate all of those who will take time to read.

First of all, this day one year was one of the worst days of my life. I had went on a multi hour PMO binge. I felt positively awful, disgusted, and honestly wanted to just die. My PMO addiction had got to the point where I was having multi hour binges 3+ times per week. My business was wrecked, my health was wrecked, and I felt trapped. I guess I was. I was a full blown addict. My life had become a vicious cycle of addiction that was acting out, felling shame and guilt, determining I would never do it again, and then failing over and over. I was a very sick man!

Through all of this, I learned what addiction was. PMO was fun for a little while. I remember the excitement the first time I viewed printed material, dial up internet, high speed internet, and the excitement of the first few occasions of PMO. It is not fun now. It is not exciting now. It is a ball and chain, an addiction, and a heavy weight I have been dragging around. I guess I viewed this material for 30+ years, PMO for 25+ years, and addicted for a time that I can not remember. Now instead of chasing dopamine highs on a computer screen I am chasing sobriety.

I do not have many days on the counter. I intended to leave PMO behind the first day I started on this site. I underestimated what kind of a hold I allowed this to have on me. During my time on this forum, I have accomplished some very amazing things I have been grateful for.

1 I typed out my NF rules that I believe will carry me through the rest of this life sober. You can read them by clicking the link in my signature.

2 I decided exactly what I want to have out of life and how I want to live. I created a brand new mission statement for a life that was all but completely broken. BTW, you can do this too!

3 I have healed greatly with my wife.

4 I have got back on track with my work and business

5 I have enjoyed more sobriety this year than I have in years.

6 For the first time in my adult life, I have lived normal. Best I can remember, I started PMO about age 15 and it was frequent since. This is my first time living as an adult with any significant time without it.

7 I realized there is a whole and better life out there waiting for me.

8 I got back to bodybuilding. I thought I was finished but I actually achieved some personal best accomplishments during this last year.

9 I have made friends on here that are more special than I could ever express. You guys (and a couple gals) have walked in my shoes. You understand. You have given me support and companionship. I did not have to walk this road alone. You have walked it with me and helped me. I teared up as I wrote these words.

10 Most important, I feel closer to God than I ever have in my life!

If you are reading this, I want to tell you one thing. Don't quit! It is hard to say you will never do it again and fail. This takes time and you have to learn about yourself and the addiction. It is hard to admit a reset or relapse. Every time I have, I have been met with nothing but compassion and support.

Here is what I have ahead of me. I am setting out to have the whole next year completely clean. I am going to utilize my NF rules and plan to see my body completely normalized. If I reset, I will simply keep trying. I am in this fight for life. As I get more sobriety under my belt, I want to help others more. I want to do for others what others have done for me. I set out in the beginning of 2018 to quit PMO. Instead, I had 3 of the worst PMO years of my life. I honestly thought I was hopeless. Here I am today after 1 year on this forum. Again, I don't have a whole lot of days on the counter but I am a different person today. I want to first of all thank the good Lord in Heaven from the bottom of my heart for the progress I have made and I thank you each and every one of you as well. I want to tell you all; You can do it!

 

Thank you both for the kind words. To think about where my life was just makes my heart sink. I never dreamed I could be addicted to anything much less what I was addicted to. I'm determined to make this a lifelong journey and to help as many people as I can. Hopefully the world wakes up to how horrible this whole industry is. God bless you all!

 

I certainly agree with everything you said. I have mentioned elsewhere in my postings that I was once clean for 15 months. I had a reset and that eventually led to full relapse. The relapse was far worse than where I was before. I think one could be clean for years and if they chose to go back have to battle all over again to be free. Yes, I think it is a matter of ongoing treatment.

 

Thank you so much for the kind words. I am glad my journaling can be a little help for others. I really look forward to a lifetime of freedom!