35 and Older Accountability Group

I guess it is mostly a guy problem because they have this little brother that needs to be comforted from time to time - but girls have their own issues as well and porn does affect them as well, I touched upon some of the things in this thread: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/woman-benefits-for-doing-nofap.214128/#post-1891846 and also in my journal here on NoFap. I plan to go this year without PMO - still not sure about the second year of no sex but we'll see. I am definitely not interested in hookups or text-only guys and I've been attracting this type of men in recent year at least so I will now work on myself and my inner demons.

 

I remember Luis CK talking about sexual thoughts in one of his show.
At some point he asks the crowd "do you know what causes sexual thoughs?" and he replies... "Having a dick!"
So yeah, i believe that men are most prone to masturbation and/or porn addiction.

 

I have to reset. But I went 38 days and felt the benefits of going that long without porn. I started 2019 with my all-time best streak and only relapsed when I returned home after a long trip (which will be the last trigger I beat when I finally do). I had a busy last week on vacation and, after hitting my new record (32), I stopped starting the day by checking in here or at the Universal Man forum. I dipped into complacency when I should have been steeling myself for my return home. Jet lag, transition, unpacking, and PMO. But I'm starting today by rededicating myself. I know what it felt like to go 38 days--a streak that was unthinkable back in December--and I know that I can either continue with another great streak (another 38, 45, 50, 60...) or let the addict pull me away from the life I've been enjoying since December 27th. Bingeing after coming home from a long trip has been the usual experience, so I'll have to be extra vigilant these next few days.
2019 has been fantastic and will continue to be. I'm visualizing a path that I've been on that is taking me higher and higher and the last couple of days I found a trail off to the side that winds up back at the bottom. I'm standing on that descending trail but can still see the path I was on. Which way do I walk?

 

Its been going well but hard at times too(especially at night, laying in bed with tablet in hand - triggers I should avoid completely); better these days as I keep myself busier and busier, away from home, spending energy working out at gym till am tired. Good to see everyone kickin ass (of PM)!

 

Good on you for making it that long and coming back in the game.

I experienced this not long ago also.

I came from a trip and 30 days of cleanness, then I went to install a filter to make sure I don't relapse, and then in the process of testing my filter I relapsed lol

I find after a long streak the addicted self is so hungry wants to go for an all you can eat bing for many days and weeks - so I really had to forgive myself and really go right back to that same state of mind and I was able to keep my relapse under 24 hours then went right back to it which was a miracle in it self.

 

Just about 70 days for me guys and this past week I have been going through some downer emotions.

The feelings of depression, anger, and hopelessness, this is mostly due to my radical changes to my sleep patterns, at the same time I went to a mini break up and a business deal didn't fall through, so it was Jab Jab Hook kind of feeling lol

I noticed myself thinking about porn more than I have in weeks and I am starting to get really excited about attracting a partner and the rush of thinking about women creates a sense of joy but the craving for it creates a sense of suffering.

In a way when I decide to be single I feel a sense of relief but with the relieve comes to a sense of dullness - when I feel ready to be "back in the game" I start to sometimes crave for it and my mind goes into investigation mode looking at every girl as a potential prospect.

I hate that feeling. I rather be normal and it happen naturally, without seeking. In most successful cases I never have to force myself to attract a girl, because I find girls that I'm attracted to have the confidence and inner pull to speak to me and things just happen I just have to be open to it.

Anyway back to my point.

I find depression is the biggest trigger for me, knowing this it gives me a sense of relief because I can look at my depression objectively.

I don't have to turn it into a personal problem and simply investigate why am I depressed.

This morning I gave myself an hour of coaching. I normally do this for other people and I realized I need coaching myself, so I literally sat down and Role Played a coaching conversation.

I found it to be super helpful. I discovered that what I need to do is to bring more balance to my social life by scheduling at least 1 group get together and 1 private get together each week.

I realized I need to meet new people every week and I like to have lunch with a good friend every week ideally.

Also, I realized that changing sleep is a heroic act. To train the body to sleep at very early and waking up super early is ONE OF THE hardest things anyone can do as a human being,

Because it challenges our will power to its core.

Also, sleep deprivation affects the brain the same way as alcohol or other intoxicants, so if feeling sleep deprived it is ultra dangerous and a very slippery slope.

 

Congrats! Thanks for your sharing. Please elaborate on your current sleep regime.
I've been listening to this book by Rebecca Campbell "Rise Sister Rise" and provides good insight on that we women are forced to think and act in a linear mode (like men) even though our bodies are cyclical and there are some days during the month where we just can't push ourselves to the max - but we still do, we drink coffee, we get up super early, because it's the world we live in, even though our bodies are begging us to stop. We're wired differently. Interesting and I think it's true. Even on porn women are depicted as "doers" more than receivers - whereas there should be balance I guess. But anyway porn is mainly oriented towards men so it caters to their needs and distorts reality in the end.

 

Some great points, Right Effort. Yes, I too have struggled with depression, and it is certainly a MAJOR trigger. No one wants to feel shitty. Some even turn to suicide to avoid that feeling when it gets severe enough. With the instant relief and availability of porn, its hard to believe that its possible that it CAN BE AVOIDED as a trigger. And there's nothing wrong with searching for a new partner. I think the mistake most people make is that they wait for the right person to just come along. This usually doesn't happen. It either doesn't happen at all, or they settle for the wrong person. There's nothing wrong with going on a quest for Ms. Right. Realistically, that would be the only way to find her.

Love your new profile pic by the way! It would make a great tattoo

 

lol I love how you are like a self-development powerhouse diving into so many books and teachings! love it.

My sleep routine is to wake up at 2:00 am (4 hrs of sleep) then Nap after 6 hours for 90 minutes, then another nap for 30 minutes. Still testing different models. But I also do 3 hours of meditation on top which helps me need less sleep.

The challenge is my work commitment is at 4:30 am till 7:30 am, and for the past 10 yrs i always spend the first 3 hours on my morning routine to get myself in the right state of mind, but when I dont do this, I fall in to depression.

So that's why I have to wake up super early. Also, I live with other people here and there are kids - so this adds so much more challenge to the mix that means I have to train myself to sleep in the middle of people shouting and screaming at each other

I am finding this is really putting me at a new level of being, to not let anything get in my way and routine.

I discovered with my noise canceling headphones plus and earplug i can can train myself to not move and sleep still on my back - then i can sleep while the rest of the house is up and moving around -

Also my sleep routine is called uber sleep routine which is a crazy idea that I have been attempting for years, cant say I have figured it out yet but it is what i'm facing now.

I'm doing the duel core routine https://www.polyphasicsociety.com/polyphasic-sleep/overviews/dual-core/

Thats the image of the time of my sleep at the moment

 

Thanks for your feed back Discovery

Yes I'm very familiar with the suicidal temptations both in the past and currently every time I feel really down the first thought is what it would be like to die.

But I realize thats the inner child that wants to quit on life because it doest have things going his way sometimes and I realize the only way out is through.

I really don't believe suicide can solve any problem because I believe I would only re-incarnate with bigger problems - otherwise i would have killed myself long ago lol


And thanks for noticing the pic, I love it too , its so simple and pretty, makes me want to start drawing again

 

After writing here yesterday, I had a productive morning and felt I was back on track. I made myself a protein shake and was almost out the door when I sat down and started surfing. It was a classic binge--after a long trip and clean streak, as RightEffort mentioned, the addict is hungry. I was able to keep asking myself why I didn't just walk out the door and afterwards I journaled about it and realized that by not leaving, by staying home, I was keeping myself on vacation. I was hiding in my cave with no responsibilities and no need to interact.
During the binge, I kept changing my plans.
If I wanted to go to the gym, I had to leave by 2:30. And so I watched porn past 2:30.
If I wanted to stop by the office to pick up some paperwork and book some future work, I had to leave by 3:30. And so I watched porn past 3:30.
If I wanted to visit a friend at his restaurant, I had to leave by 4:30. And so I watched porn until 5:30.
In the past, if I threw away a day like this, I would just stay uptown and go out and get dinner, maybe a drink...which was actually rewarding the addict for his lethargy.
And so I forced myself out. It was too late to go to the office, but I packed my bag and went to the gym even though it was hours after I normally go. Afterwards, I went to visit my friend at his restaurant and there I texted several people to let them know I was home (in an attempt to dismantle the cave) and then visited a friend who recently had surgery.
I got home late but, before I went to bed, I reset my calendar goals and visualized how many clean days I would have by the end of February, when I would surpass my best streak, when I would hit Day 45, when I would hit Day 90...
Today is Day 1. I can still feel how good it felt to be clean. Here we go.

 

Thank you for sharing your journey with us. It helps me to remember the feeling of relapse.

What helps me is to think of the first few days as going through a tunnel.

First I like to pause and really contemplate, journal and remember that watching porn doesn't give me the emotions and feelings that I deeply long for.

The real joy, the fulfillment, the intimacy I am craving for is NOT to be found in this experience.

If I can clearly see this, this gives me the willingness to take on the disciplines (meditation, sleep, diet, etc) and to renounce the urges - as soon as they arise - ONE day at a time.

Not tomorrow or the next but just ONE day at a time.

Also, it is super important to be mindful of every thought and emotion and the minute a temptation/image slips by, notice it, let it be there, without hating it, and re-commit to your decision.

It's like choosing again and again why we are doing this. Not hating the temptations or making it in to a problem because they will get stronger.

I like to think of the temptations as reminders to reconnect to my vision.

 

Nice work @artifact

 

Today was good and I avoided the chaser. Whenever my addict asked if I wanted to check that website, that “star,” that scene, I did one of three things:
1–I mocked the addict, kind of ridiculed him in the self-talk, made jokes, laughed.
2–I shook my head no and nodded yes to the positive goals. This really helped me in the first few days when I started my last great streak.
3–I kept asking, “What are you trying to escape?”
I knew I just needed to get through lunch and head out the door. I left shortly after lunch and had a great afternoon.
Tomorrow I start a job super early, so I won’t be checking in here. My next challenge will be Saturday morning, Day 3.

 

So true, and I never looked at it that way. Suicide is really just another form of instant gratification, the inner child taking over. That is important to remember when those thoughts arise. And I too believe in reincarnation and karma. If I committed suicide, I would be reborn into another situation with the exact same challenges and need to face it again.

 

Great points. Based on my experience with my own family and friends, suicide is like setting off a bomb in front of everyone you know. It hurts everyone you know. They'll be questioning themselves on how they caused your suicide for the rest of their lives (I've seen it). Therefore, suicide is one of the most selfish things a person can do I think. I understand the reasons for doing it, and have experienced them, but it doesn't make suicide right in any scenario. It only hurts everyone else.

 

Congrats @artifact !

Am restarting my journey - the group is a good motivation to get up and keep going.