35 and Older Accountability Group

I don't know... I kind of think there is some crazy town stuff on this forum with relationship expectations.

So if there is a divorce... What does the ex-wife think the chances are a new guy won't be into PM at least occasionally? Lol. Good luck with that. She probably never googled those stats.

Also...

If you have a job, general control of your life, are kind, then stay confident. You are very sought after in society. I think it's crap when people feel worthless or are expected to. A PM addiction isn't a crack addiction. Hell, most professionls wouldnt call most of us addicts. Life is way better PM free as we all know during streaks, but I'm not going to accept getting beaten down like that.

Fact is if you live in a big city theres probably 50,000+ ladies within an hour drive who would appreciate you. If that's not true, then PM isn't your biggest issue. Relationships are tough and require both sides of to be all in. They require patience. I'd go a decade without sex if my wife was sick no problem, but there is no way in hell I'd be put in a box and treated like crap. I also expect my wife to stay all in and work at forgiving me as I do her. If it's no longer a team of equals, what's the point?

Also, I'd never move out without talking to a lawyer. Different bedroom sure but I'd lawyer up ASAP.

( Note: I understand I'm naughty by saying and thinking this. I'll keep it to myself, just had to put it out there once.)

 

I wanted to write but as a single male these types of situations are above me. I just want to say I empathize as best I can and hope the best for you, @Low Tide High Tide.

I do think some overreact to porn addiction and I think some minimize it too much. While I do view porn as a type of adultery, I don't view it as having the same level of an actual real life encounter. Some disagree but I think the nature and circumstances change the gravity of the situation. While I think porn addiction can harm trust, I don't see it has having the ability to completely destroy trust, like how a real life affair could destroy trust.

I think for porn addiction it's important to know that we're pretty much being socially conditioned to be porn addicts. Just look at the state of movies, shows, and music. We are in a hypersexualized society so the idea that you will find someone who doesn't suffer from this probably is, in my opinion, unrealistic.

 

Well said. I'm a married guy and it is horrible. It does cause issues to innocent people and it's so so bad.

On the flip side, 99% of dudes had used in within 6 months in one study with 80% within the week.

We have an education problem as a society, because P is every bit as evil as people say. We are told wrongly about what it is and why it's bad.

 

I relapsed again today. I'm so fucking mad.

 

About porn and relationships. Porn use can undermine your relationship in subtle ways. (Subtle for me, at least).

I would see the health of a relationship being how connected the couple are to each other. The more time I spend on PMO, the less energy and effort I am putting into my relationship, so the less connected I feel with my wife. This in turn causes us to argue and fight, which drives me to more PMO, and you have the classic downward spiral.

Now, she's no angel either, and she has her own baggage. But she responds positively to positivity. We get along WAY better as a couple when I am clean.

My porn addiction damages her trust because (a) she has a poor self-image and feels like I am using porn to look at "better" bodies, and (b) I have promised her more than once to give it up permanently and failed to do so.

I can't do anything about (a), because it's not true, but it is her belief so it's her issue to deal with. But (b) is my responsibility.

Part of me actually wants to divorce, to make a fresh start somewhere else. But regardless I need to fix my porn addiction, because that stuff will follow me around to every relationship I ever have, unless I put a stop to it.

 

@Low Tide High Tide I agree with A and B but I don't think it's wise though for addicts and their spouses to have such rigidity of perfectionism when it comes to recovery aka the expectation to "never do it again". I think those terms are tone def to the addicts issue and are unrealistic expectations for a healthy recovery. Obviously our ideal is to never do it again but ideals aren't always aligned with the reality of the journey. It's kind of frustrating when one spouse doesn't want to do therapy since it can be nice to have a mediator come in to ask her to try and work on one of her predominant faults under the same perfectionist standards she sets on you to see if even she can even live up to them. I'm sure she would then see that despite her best intentions there would be times she would fail horribly.

After all, no one is perfect.

 

Checking in.

 

Nice to see an interesting debate rising. My take is that if you're on this forum, porn is a legitimate problem for you. You're not an occasional user who indulges himself every third sunday because the family's gone and just dealing with a wife who's insulted on the principal of the thing. You're wasting hours a day, usually at night when everyone's asleep so you're exhausted, irritable and a general jackass the next day; you're possibly secretly spending money; you're lying to your spouse/boss/friends about why you didn't/couldn't do that important thing; you're drowning in depression and possibly secretly entertaining thoughts of suicide; you see porn every time you close your eyes; instead of engaging in interesting conversations with your spouse, you're having a schizophrenic conversation in your own head at all times about how/when you get to sit in front of a computer with your pants down; instead of doing fun, interesting things with your spouse you create elaborate excuses for why you have to stay home while she begrudgingly takes the kids out without you; you avoid intimacy with your spouse because you fear you won't be able to perform or you're just too damned ashamed or you've gotten into such freaky stuff that regular sex just doesn't interest you; you've lost all motivation to pursue your hobbies and do the things in life that make you a fun, interesting person to be around, and your spouse is left wondering why you're so morose, irritable, and disconnected all the time. She starts wondering what she's doing wrong that you don't want to touch her, don't seem interested in her, struggle sometimes to even look her in the eye. She wonders why you seem anxious all the time. She thinks she's the problem, and because that's a convenient way to hide your secret, you let her believe that, maybe even stoke the belief. It starts to make her feel crazy. Even if she knows you watch porn and could care less, she doesn't realize the extent of your use because you're not about to tell her you spent five hours at your home office wanking instead of earning an income, she's not going to connect that using porn is the root of all these changes in you. Eventually, she's at her wits end and leaves, or she finally discovers the extent of your issue and erupts. Regardless, you've done this.

Obviously not every porn user is this addicted, but many, many of us are. Please don't minimize the damage it can do.

Absolutely, healing a marriage takes both people committed to doing the hard work, and if one of you, for whatever reason, isn't willing to step up, it's not going to work. But to suggest that porn addiction doesn't affect relationships is flat out absurd, at the very least you're robbing yourself of the best relationship you can have with your spouse; more likely, you're making both of you miserable. And to minimize it by the 'everyone does it' argument is self-deception to the extreme. Go tell an alcoholic that his addiction isn't that big a deal because everyone drinks. Porn destroys lives, period. It destroys marriages, period. The more that understanding is foundational to your view on porn, the better you'll be able to keep it out of your life. Playing the victim because society conditions you to use porn, and suggesting that because it's not heroin it's not that big a deal, will keep you on a cycle of misery for a long, long time.

 

Yes! I don't want anyone here to think I want to minimize this addcition. I think porn is evil and diabolical. It should be rooted out of every relationship.


Checking in and sober today thanks to God's grace.

 

The previous two days have been the worst in a while. But today I’m sober.

I just got back from a 4 hour walk, which I hope has reset my mood and dealt with some of the chaser effect urges.

 

100% yes.

 

I'm not here to make fans, and no sweat off my back if you don't want to hear what I have to say. But I'm also not here to shove anyone else down, and if you felt I was attacking you personally, you have my sincere apologies as that was not my intent, though re-reading I see I got a little heated at the end there. We're all struggling and we're all in this together. And to be clear, I didn't 'beat the shit' out of anything, I described my marriage and divorce pretty much exactly how it happened, and I get to live with that for the rest of my life. If spelling it out helps someone still in their marriage, then maybe a little karma comes back my way. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

 

Strawman got crushed lol.

 

Checking in today. I over ate last night which made me want to sleep in today. Ugh. Gotta keep on guard today since other parts are gonna start clamoring for attention. Stupid body.

 

Woke up to a beautiful sunrise. Got my yoga, meditation and breathwork done and ready for the day. Be well everyone!

 

So I just turned down my wife’s invitation for sex. Not sure if I did the right thing. On the one hand I desperately want things to be ok between us. On the other hand, I’m on day 30 and trying to nurture the sobriety I have achieved so far.

I’ve been watching those universal man sexual self mastery videos and he made a compelling case for no sex before 90 days. So that’s what I have in mind. I haven’t thought about it much, I’m just blindly following directions here. Hope I did the right thing.

 

I'm guessing it's 50/50 on the forum. I swore off throwing in my .02 but one more time lol.

I think it's always the right thing to have sex and ignore the chaser the next day. I find it has a healing effect in our relationship and it's mother's nature's way of making me want to do nice things for my wife for days after. More kindness and concern for each other is the water feeding a relationship.