50 Days Freed (when I didn't know I was in jail)

Day 50 here - 26yo bi male (though I don't think sexuality makes much difference in this tbh).

My story is an interesting one, I think. I started NoFap just to see if I could. I usually masturbated once a day, with porn, but sometimes I’d go a week without fapping, and I had been without for longer when it was difficult to get privacy (like sharing a room while volunteering for 3 months - though I did find ways to during that time). However, I’d never actively tried to stop masturbating/watching porn, I never really thought it was an issue.

As soon as I consciously started NoFap, I felt a calm peacefulness. I felt liberated and enlightened from Day One. The simple act of saying to myself, I’m not going to do that anymore, was powerful.

I’m only a half of the way to 100 days so I don’t want to downplay any hormonal changes that may happen later on, but I think a lot of the positive effects people get from NoFap is simply about a perspective shift - seeing yourself in a different light and taking control.

As the first days passed, I spent a lot of time reflecting on my relationship with PMO, and I realised that PMO had caused me a lot of awkward situations. Does every fapping guy get the same adrenaline-filled fear when someone asks to use their laptop or their phone? Or when someone asks if they can go into your room when you’re not there? I realised that I had felt like I was constantly double-checking that my fly was done up, that my dirty secret wasn’t on show.

I’m known as the nice guy by my friends, I’m friendly, energetic and a good listener. I love being this guy. Yet when I PMO, it feels like a lie, because I can never fully be this guy if at night I'm secretly hunched up in the dark alone masturbating to weird videos of people f*cking and other things. I remember watching porn and afterwards, jumping into the shower and everytime I closed my eyes I’d see a scene from the porn video flashing behind my eyes. The porn was still playing in my brain, etching itself in deep. I thought this was normal, everyone did it.

For the first few days of NoFap, my thoughts were about Porn - how it was clearly not great and caused more harm than good, but maybe MO was fine?

But then I thought about masturbating and thought about what I used to think about when masturbating without porn. While porn delivers extreme imagery to you, masturbating without porn requires you to come up with the imagery yourself, and while that’s a bit better, in some ways it's also worse. The same progression to more and more extreme thoughts happens, but this time its all you. It reinforces the sad, sick thoughts and the feeling of self-hatred for thinking them.

I used to think about my friends, colleagues and even family in sexual ways, and I felt like fapping about it was a good way of venting these thoughts, but all it was really doing was reinforcing them, making the thoughts a source of pleasure that my mind would always come back to.

By stopping watching Porn, I stopped flooding my brain with more and more extreme images that didn’t reflect what I truly like, and that would replay in my brain and make me question who I was.

By stopping Masturbating, I allowed my sexual thoughts to calm down, to reset back to basics, and allowed me to cleanse my life of its embarrassing masturbating history. I wiped my computer and phone and cleared out my room. There’s no trace of my masturbating past - want to use my laptop? Go for it.

I’m cool with people being around me, using my things. I’m social-anxiety free, I’m more social, I’m less weird, and I can look into people’s eyes without thinking about sexual scenarios.

As I said earlier, I’m far from hitting 90 days, so I’ll await to see if I feel like semen retention is necessary/beneficial for me. Otherwise, I may return to orgasm through sex, and through masturbation - though I would focus on personal sensation rather than scenario-based masturbation, if that makes sense.

Here's to the next 50 days, and whatever lies afterwards!

-

Other interesting points:

• I realised that during my other accidental nofap periods of life (like volunteering), I was at my most creative. During the 3 month volunteering trip (I maximum fapped twice a month, probably less), I wrote an entire book in the notes of my phone. I'm writing a book now too.
• My balls felt sensitive and heavy for the first few weeks (up to 30 days I think). It was weird as hell, but bearable.
• Also for the first few weeks, my personality felt numb, which was scary as I'm usually high energy - this went away and I'm back to bubbly.
• No wet dreams have presented themselves, even though I have had them before during shorter periods of NoFap - they seem to be purely due to night-time sexual thoughts rather than semen overflow.
• My dick seems smoother and spends more time in its large flaccid state than its shrivelled flaccid state, which is nice

 

Absolutely the same. Here's to healthier dicks!

 

OH
MY
GOD

I don't know what to believe. I was at a work retirement party (haha) at work and I ended up in a piano bar with one female colleague who I ended up snogging the face off. Only problem is... she's married!

I'm writing this still a bit drunk as this is unbelievable but true. She kept saying how I was a great kisser and how she'd talked to her husband about me.

I took her on the bus to her house and invited me in but I felt she needed to have a proper conversation with her husband first, so I'm waiting for a bus home.

Mental! There's no way I would have consider myself to be desirable whatsoever to a couple but here i am! 50 days down and a literal miracle...

I'm trying hard not to believe that this is down to NoFap, but jesus its completely not something I saw comimg​