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Discussion in 'Events & Challenges' started by 2525, Oct 27, 2017.
Still learning I have more questions than answers, but that's good
Day 7/90. The goal I've been trying to reach and failing at all month... until now. Just gotta get through today, celebrate this milestone. Then I can think about the next one. One step at a time, I keep telling myself. Some major urges hit me this morning and throughout the night and I kept saying no. It's hard, but I know it's worth it - now that I'm nearly 4 months off porn, the images are starting to fade from my mind. Maybe, when I stop reinforcing them with MO, they'll disappear completely. Maybe, when I'm finished with the whole process, I won't have to consciously tell myself not to look at girls inappropriately - maybe by then, I'll naturally have an appreciation for who they truly are: children of God.
Relapse lesson #1: Life is better without PM. (Mood, patience, work ethic, confidence; practically everything!)
Made some changes to my Porn Plan. Deleted Social Media because its only a step closer to my porn viewing habit. Also, blocked my internet browser on my phone since majority of my relapses happen at night.
What blocker do you use?
Yup successfully completed day 0/90. Waiting for day1. Cheers.
Patience builds momentum!
Some days are almost impossible to resist... but for me I get until two weeks or so until my body goes crazy
0/90. I want to start another streak. Hello guys!
Day 21 of no PM
Day 90 of no alcohol or caffeine
Day 58 of weight training
- Holy shit! I made 3 weeks no PM and my sex life hasn't been better with my wife
- I can also have caffeine and alcohol now since that was part of the original Jan 25 reboot date before I relapsed twice
- I think I will abstain from alcohol and caffeine for now though since both play havoc with my prostate and make peeing hard and too often
- alcohol has also lead to many relapses since it messes with will power and inhibitions to PMO
- I may have a social drink or two this summer when out now and then but I don't really miss it
- will not be buying any more booze for the house as I find that is the best way to abstain
- kind of like how you need to purge your house/computer of porn when trying to quit
- as for caffeine, my wife said "why go through the withdrawal and headaches all over again?
- she has a good point and is good to abstain with me and drink decaf tea and coffee so I am lucky to have that kind of support
- have a great fapfree day, friends
here´s some pointers to a strong reboot that will save tons of time and suffering.
1 - recognize beyond any doubt that your an addict. not someone who has a bad habit. Quoting from the book "Wack: Addicted to Internet Porn" from Noah Church (free on his website).
“The following 11 criteria are inspired by the APA's (American Psychiatric Association) substance addiction diagnostic tool and with some adaptation each criterion applies equally as well to porn use (…). Make a tally mark for every statement that applies to you.
- You use more extreme pornographic material than you planned, use porn more frequently than you planned, or have used porn over a greater time span than you planned.
- You have several times expressed that you would like to quit or reduce use and/or have unsuccessfully tried to reduce or stop use.
- You spend an inordinate or inconvenient amount of time acquiring, using, and/or recovering from the effects of porn.
- You experience strong cravings for porn.
- You have compromised major obligations at home, at work, or at school due to porn use.
- You continue using porn despite knowing that it is consistently causing or worsening social or interpersonal problems.
- You have skipped or given up significant social or occupational activities in order to use porn.
- You use porn in ways or locations that are physically hazardous.
- You continue using porn despite knowing that it is consistently causing or worsening physical or psychological problems.
- You have acquired a tolerance and need more lengthy, varied, or extreme porn to feel the same or similar pleasure as when you first started using.
- You experience unpleasant withdrawal symptoms when you abstain and may use porn to alleviate these symptoms.
According to the APA, "As a general estimate of severity, a mild substance use disorder is suggested by the presence of two to three symptoms, moderate by four to five symptoms, and severe by six or more symptoms."
2 - Once you accept the truth of your problem, recognize that you can´t control PMO usage. don´t waste precious time of your life trying to fit porn in your life, you can´t control this thing. “Oh… maybe on these days, or only on that days….” Forget it. See for yourself, if you could control this you wouldn´t be an addict in the first place. the only way to break free from the addiction is to abstain from all sexual indulgence till a point you have good health and no desire to PMO.
3 - motivate yourself daily to the reboot. PMO destroys a lot of areas in life but what are those things that really pisses you off? That´s your motivation. Motivate several times per day through the entire reboot, because the urges and porn thoughts will be alive and kicking. motivation can come from a text, a video, a music, whatever, anything that boosts you do keep doing the reboot. Sucess stories of ex-porn addicts are also good motivations.
4 – you can´t do this alone. Studies show that is very rare to someone to overcome an addiction alone, almost impossible. That´s because the very feeding ground of addictions is isolation. So the treatment goes in the opposite direction. You need partners, groups, therapy, forums, whatever, do as you prefer, but stay in touch.
5 - create physical barriers against PMO cause willpower alone will not do. this means install porn blockers and usage of electronic devices with screens facing exposure. in extreme cases forbide yourself from being home alone with electronic devices.
6 - delete any porn/softcore material that you have. if you keep something with you that means you´re keeping the flame alive.
7 - withdrawal is hard, sometimes harder than the addiction. but after some days/weeks withdrawal ends, the addiction never ends. Prepare yourself for fatigue, irritation, deep sadness, insomnia, brain fog, headaches, etc... but don´t worry, after a while energy will start to rise and you´ll feel amazing . it´s worth all the efforts. to minimize withdrawal always stay well fed, hidratated, an build a good sleep hygiene. sleeping pills, vitamins and antidepressives can also help.
8 – Avoid alcohol and sugar consumption. These substances drain energy and promote lethargy and depression. Never get drunk. Excessive alcohol prevents your brain for rewiring, leads to (extra) fatigue, irritation and brain fog. it will also deplete your willpower making you more likely to relapse. Also stay away from screens, wether TV, PC, mobile, whatever.... screens cultivate a passive attitude. it robs awareness and creates dullness, tiredness and sadness. if you want to interact with screens that´s fine but only for a specific reason. when that reason is over, the viewing must be over also. Another problem with spending too much time in front of electronic screens its because of the blue light they emanate. this can a create a syndrome called “dry eye” which can cause disturbances to fall asleep.
9 – practice meditation daily or any kind of relaxation technique. This is very important to calm the body against urges and help cope with withdrawal symptoms.
10 – Negative feelings are common triggers to PMO. This is a crucial part of the reboot because many times relapses happen to escape pain or discomfort. We have to deal directly with the parts of our experience that are unconfortable and cope with them in constructive ways, we need to develop new skills. If we don´t deal with those feelings, at neurological level, the midbrain that is severely hijacked by PMO, will start to take over for the “dopamine solution”. that´s why it feels we enter automatic mode just before a relapse. So if you feel bored follow the trail of inspiration, ask yourself "what do i really wanna do right now?" and act out on the answer. Even if at first you only feel a small pull, do it anyway. After a while energy will increase so as the mood and you´ll be inspired to do other things. If you feel sad accept the situation that cause it, or change it if you can. also talk with someone about it and do something pleasant. Stronger emotions like anger or hurt i recommend meditation. A good exercise is the 3 minute breathing space meditation, it´s specifically designed to cope with hard moments.
11 - in the reboot you´ll have flatline periods (total absence of sexual desire) and periods of strong sexual urges. to deal with urges my recommendation is to let them be, just observe them, don´t engage in them. keep doing whatever you´re doing. the urge may be very strong, but it will pass, it will pass totally. in extreme cases, click the panic button on nofap, get out of the house or take a cold shower.
12 - do physical exercise regularly. that will boost your mood and release sexual energy in a positive way.
13 - write a goodbye letter to porn. be brutally honest. an addiction is also a relationship so cry your heart out, say all the things you want to say, and say goodbye.
14 – stay dynamic and active. this is the step i found more important (sideways with the daily motivation). why? because you´re not only abstaining from porn/masturbation, you have to replace those behaviours for others. or else porn will return, no matter how much time as gone by. So fill the free time, follow the inspiration of the moment, work on your passions, live your dreams, one day at a time. Don´t give importance to what day you´re in, don´t care about the 90 days. Impulsivess is an old friend of the addiction.
15 - the addicted mind will not break easily. it´s likely that you´re gonna relapse, relapse a lot. the key is too keep going, never give up. if you don´t give up you will make it. Garanteed. This aplies with everything in life. You just have to want it, badly. If you want it you´ll get it, you will find a way. All the excuses that we put up “oh i´m not strong enough”, “not smart enough” “not good looking” “not rich enough”, “oh, i´m super addicted” “oh, i´m just unlucky” bla bla it´s all ideas that are not tested, excuses to justify failure and make us feel pity for yourselfs while time is passing by. Plain and simple, if your not getting what you want, it´s not because of circunstances, it´s due to your lack of determination. Perseverance is the game changer. So in each relapse try to know something about yourself, how your mind works, what are the triggers. knowledge is power. Write down all the lessons that you learned with the relapses or risky behaviours. put places, dates and consequences, make it the most vivid memories you´ll have. Read them every day as part of your motivation, by negative reinforcement it will help boost your nofap journey and make you always aware of hazards. Remember: your brain is severely disturbed by PMO, if you forget your relapses you will easily fall prey of the addiction in a vulnerable moment. If you relapse try not to binge (relapse multiple times), the bigger the binging the harder will the withdrawal.
16 - avoid any kind of sexual stimulation. Anything that we consciously engage with a lustful purpose: engage in viewing, engage in thinking, engage in touching... will make dopamine being release on the already unbalanced brain. stimulation will increase urges and deplete the motivation for other things (as PMO is still the main drive). So don´t believe your mind if it tells you to peak, it never wants just that. after that, the addiction will kick in strongly and start drilling until it breaks you. The same goes for touching. So it´s better to not even start.
The ideal is to make a 180º shift on reality. Engage in totally different activities through the day. luckly there´s a million to do things that have nothing to do with sex.
if you have a partner and want to have normal intercourse try to abstain at least on the first weeks to give the brain a rest. If you do sex but thinking on porn that means you´re using your partner as an object. That´s a relapse.
17 - you can never go back to porn. this probably is the harshest truth you can hear - it was mine, and it is for many people - but it´s the truth nevertheless. Why? 2 major reasons.
- you´ll be an ex-addicted, always. that means you will never have a normal relation with porn. if you engage in PMO again, sooner or later you´ll become an addict, again. Quoting from a gambling disorder specialist, he wrote why ex-patological gamblers could never come back to money games. This naturally aplies to other addictions as they all have the same backbone:
"We talk about treatment and not cure because there´s a lot more data at neurobiological and genetic level that stated that dependency is a cronic problem, but not terminal. This means through treatment it´s possible to conquer life quality built on abstinence. (...) My 15 years experience dealing with dependency disorders makes me afirm that whoever had severe dependency can not attain the desired control to consume. Generally speaking, it´s only a matter of time until the obsession, the compulsion and the impulsiveness return. These are the factors that lead to loss of control and priorities switching that caracterize this behavioural dependency, among others"
- in high speed internet, there´s an infinite suply of sexual material, new sexual material. dopamine is released not only by viewing and fapping but also by searching novely. The search itself creates excitment. So once you give your brain a taste of the "stuff" it will crave for more, always more.
18 - destroying any hope of going back to PMO will make the reboot stronger and more determinated. This is because some fapstronauts secretly do the reboot in order to gain control over porn, so to use it in moderation. But as we have seen before, this is impossible. Plus if the goal of the reboot is to use porn, porn is still in the horizon. This becomes a contradiction to the present streak and will make it much harder to endure. On the other side all ex-addicts firmly agree that no one ever wants to go back to porn cause life now is too good to be true, too good to go back to hell.
Seen from another perspective: you´ll loose something that´s close to you right now, but you´ll gain an amazing life beyond your dreams. Quoting some successful rebooters:
“Nofap will make you live the life that you dream of”
“In nofap you´ll be so happy that you won´t know what to do with yourself”
19 - 90 days usually is the standard time to recover from porn addiction, sometimes it may take long. Counting the days can boost your confidence but it also has down effects. Counting may create the sense that only when “that” specific day is reached everything will be fine, your life will be perfect. so you focus on the time and not the process, which is your own life. This can make a streak harder to endure by putting extra pressure to reach “that” day and not reset the counter meanwhile. To avoid this trap see nofap as a lifestyle and not a merely a time challenge. The challenge is for the critical shift, the reboot. After that nofap evolves to a lifestyle.
Also make a chart of your entire reboot journey, all the days PMO free and all the relapse days. That will help put the growth in perspective. So after a relapse if resetting the counter its a big demotivation for you, don´t reset. Just register the relapse, learn from it, and keep you personal counter going.
20 – the reboot implies 100% commitment. If you don´t take it serious neither will be the results. If you take it serious, like if your life depends on it, the change is at your hand. You´ll become a new person: happy, faster, stronger, smarter, confident, social, peaceful. You´ll become a high successful person and there will be pretty much nothing you can´t accomplish because after conquering your own demon you can conquer anything.
i wish you the best luck, strengh and focus brother. believe in yourself, you can do it.
34 in the books
what i feel so far:
More motivation for other activities
Less anxious around women
Less pervert, more human