A question for men about checking women out

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Tired Of Being Lied To, Nov 29, 2019.

  1. Tired Of Being Lied To

    Tired Of Being Lied To Fapstronaut

    Hi, I'm not sure if this is in the right place but I have a question for men who check women out.

    I want to know (because I just cant understand) what a single second glance does for you?

    My PA husband has caused me IMMENSE pain, you cant begin to imagine how much by these little glances. He does it often and without even realising, to the point of changing position just for a 1 second glance. He denies it completely of course, he says I'm mental.

    It's got to the point where I can predict accurately what will happen. Once a pretty girl walked past in a shop and because he knew I was looking straight at him he didnt look but I thought, hmm, he'll find a way. She went around the corner and he marched over to some sandwiches where he'd be able to look down the aisle, saying "I want a sandwich". Then the 1 second glance followed by "oh maybe not". Later on, I asked him about it and he flatly denied it. It's happened so many times like this, the girl wasnt even provocatively dressed, she worked in the shop. A pregnant woman in tight leggings walked by today and he wasnt properly positioned to see her ass, I thought again, he'll make sure he looks. Sure enough he walked through a display saying "I think it's over here", glanced, and then walked back saying "oh no it's not, it's over here".

    It happens all the time. I just want to know WHAT it is that drives him to look, he cant PMO there and then and it's the brevity of the glimpse that leaves me wondering WHY its such a thing.

    I need to understand why a look is SO important. I believe that he doesn't even realise what hes doing most of the time, it's like an auto pilot thing. I believe he can't remember the incident or even the person afterwards, so WHAT is it? Please, someone let me know. I'm in soooo much pain over this, to the point I'm beginning to hate him with all my heart. But I just want to know why such a tiny glimpse is so, so important.
  2. The single, second glance does nothing, and is not important. As you mentioned, it is an auto pilot thing. It is an involuntary reaction and part of a man's basic instinct. There are many times I don't even realize I'm doing it. Fretting over this will destroy your relationship by driving you apart, and make his porn addiction even harder to beat. My current wife used to constantly point out this exact same behavior while we were dating. It drove her crazy, and there were times I didn't even look at the women in question. The more she brought it up, the more it pissed me off, as I was genuinely trying to kick my porn habit. It got to the point where I seriously felt like a chained dog being dragged around and not allowed to look at my surroundings. As our relationship progressed, I discovered some of the problem was her own insecurity. She even admitted later on that even before the porn issue, her self-esteem was low, and her own insecurity was driving it.

    Now I know PA doesn't help this, but please be honest and ask yourself if this would be a problem if porn wasn't a factor in the relationship. Most women that I've talked to don't have a problem with it unless her husband/boyfriend is "creeping" on chicks. Like 2-3 second stares, or otherwise obviously ogling her. If you want a little more insight, here's my thought process when I've consciously glanced at another women: "Oh, she's pretty." Done. Does that mean I want to have sex with her? Does that mean I'd rather have this women than my wife? No, it does not. I think she's pretty, and there is nothing unhealthy about a married man thinking another women is pretty. If that is a problem for you, I would say get a divorce ASAP. He can't remember the incident or person afterwards BECAUSE is is that insignificant. Whatever you think about your husband, he still chose YOU to be with you forever. Contempt is the single, worst emotion you can have for your significant other, and it will quickly erode the relationship.
  3. Do you think your husband lusts after every woman he sees?

    that might be the case but it’s like assuming a boner means a man wants sex.

    A boner does not ONLY mean that, neither does a look ONLY mean he desires someone sexually.

    What drives a man to look is the novelty and imagination.

    it’s not necessarily a personal or sexual desire to be with the person— rather an active imagination that creates an environment for an imaginative opportunity.

    Some women (here) believe it is possible for an addict to not do this behavior.

    I will say— my dad of 82 (who is not an addict ) will comment to my mom of 72: “ babe , look at that lady— she is ugly... or her butt is huge...”

    And they both laugh.

    hence my postulation is that I don’t think “noticing” Is the problem.. it’s the lack of trust that exists when the noticing occurs...
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2019
  4. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

  5. Stag99

    Stag99 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    My 10 cents: Men get a dopamine hit when they see an attractive woman.
    When you’re trying to kick pmo, your brain wants it’s dopamine hit, the one it’s accustomed to getting from pmo. When it doesn’t get it, it tries to find substitutes to get that hit.
    Ogling women is one way to get it.
    That’s what the second look is about.
    Getting another hit of the same drug.

    I personally find myself ogling women more when i’m on a long streak of no pmo.
    It can even happen subconsciously.
    I have to make a conscious effort NOT to look and sometimes that doesn’t work.

    I would agree that it shouldn’t be taken as an offensive act, but can understand why it would be annoying. PMO addicts have to work on not ogling women however as that can be a form of edging which gets you back into the pmo habit.
  6. MillerGD

    MillerGD Fapstronaut

    Why is this a problem?

    You can glance into a sports car, a fighter jet that is flying low, a sweet child running etc etc... It's not different than this, when you see something in your area of interest, you take a second look the see what it is like?

    Some women has no problems with this, and some do.
    Personelly I couldnt care less if my wife takes a second look to a hot guy passing buy.
    And yes, most of the time its an autopilot thing, I really wanna understand how it can make someone feel bad?
    Brooklyn Jerry 70 likes this.
  7. dragonslayer

    dragonslayer Fapstronaut

    In my experience, being on nofap or no PMO makes it harder to not ogle. As one of the major sources of dopamine is cut-off, the brain tries to get whatever it can get. I myself am not proud of those moments of lapse, but I think it's a phase and it usually passes and gets easier as the recovery progresses.

    Checking someone out voluntarily is totally fine, if done gracefully. It's almost like admiring someone's beauty. But that means I should be ok in accepting that and should not make the other person uncomfortable if they see me looking at them. On the other hand, compulsively checking out women and making excuses and going out of my way to do that is not fine as that's an indication of lack of control and it's quite similar to the compulsive habit of looking at porn and hiding it from others.
  8. Completely agree with this.

    For my ten cents, I think it's also connected to the fantasy world around PMO. When I'm staring at a woman, I know I'm not treating her as real. Just objectifying her. Easy to do when it's someone you pass in the street, because you think you won't see her again.

    I remember making a point of staring at a barmaid's ass when she turned to put money in the till (olden days) only to realise she was watching my face in the mirror above the till.

    I felt rightly ashamed.
  9. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I've been collecting threads about ogling, you may find some of them useful. The list is buried in my journal post here.

    @Tired Of Being Lied To I'm not sure I understand your question though. This is a forum for people addicted to watching beautiful women get naked etc. on screen and you are asking why we are tempted to look twice at beautiful women in real life? What don't you understand about it?
  10. Maybe it's an animal thing... I mean, a male breeds with multiple females in nature. So, it may not be apparent to him and he doesn't mean anything by it either. (I know it's raw and a massive generalization, and I have no idea what kind of person he really is.)
    Brooklyn Jerry 70 likes this.
  11. primaljade

    primaljade Fapstronaut

    Did you get her number at least?
    Brooklyn Jerry 70 and MrVaughn like this.
  12. quit@porn

    [email protected] Fapstronaut

    Tired of being lied to,

    Yaar frankly when I am with my girl I do also face similar not exact situation. Although she never have any problem but, my eyes autopilot mode goes to some of the hot girls around. But many a times we ( with my girl) admire the beauty of third person but she is not uncomfortable with it ( as I could say)

    It I thinks depend on compatibility. And yaar, really I don't know but our eyes automatically get focused on girls really.. Daam thing sometimes I observe the so obscure thing that I am amzed if this kind of sharpness if we guys could apply in our works then wonders would have happened. Haha....

    I don't know what we get..... It simply happens...

    One thing is that, when I have too much of craving say I am regular watching porn and all more of such things weared looks rates increasess and now it's reducing day by day with no PMOing.... I am not saying your husband is addict but there may be possibility he is consuming porn.

    But yaar, one should not make too much of this habit. I think there is some natural element in this..

    U think you should not focus tooooo muchhhh on this....

    Have a nice day. Best luck
    Brooklyn Jerry 70 likes this.
  13. quit@porn

    [email protected] Fapstronaut

    And one more thing......

    I don't think that almost any guy would consider this a problematic sexual behavior.
    We never thought it to be. Haha.
    Sorry if u r hurt....
  14. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    So much bullshit in this thread. "Men are primed to look at females all the time, it's in their biology".

    ... And women are primed to look at young, attractive, fertile males. Monogamy however, exists in both genders. There is no species on earth where one sex is monogamous and the other isn't.

    A porn addict will say that all men look at porn. An oogler will say that all men drool after every woman they see on the street. My father, a raging alcoholic, used to talk about how much others drank.

    Neither of the above statements are true, or even statistically possible. If you go out on the street, or on the beach, FAR from all men check out other women (more than noticing them).

    So what is going on in an ooglers mind? Well, he has been primed by porn to seek out kicks wherever he may see them, no matter what the actual activity will actually provide him. A fat person on a diet will happily go around and smell donuts, talking about hot dogs and buy cooking magazines. One would argue that this is natural, all people need to eat, right? But if we study the behaviour closer, it's pathological, it's addiction.

    As an SO, you have every right to be frustrated. You could go around all day looking at fit guys, but you don't, because you've made a monogamous choice and you are not an addict. Please don't let the old "men will be men" argument hijack your brain, just because these men have let porn hijack theirs.
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2019
    ronironi, Reverent, rainpath and 12 others like this.
  15. quit@porn

    [email protected] Fapstronaut

    May be you are right,
  16. I agree with the “biology is not an excuse.”

    you did distinguish looking from oogling— something that is often missed in the viewpoint of the SO, but looking at women has nothing — zero to do—- with a man’s relationship status. It has to do with their attitude, their beliefs, their focus.

    children look at the opposite sex but it’s not to be confused for oodling.

    for example, I noticed the cute girls in my kindergarten class, I can tell you when I was 6 I determined who the two girls who I thought were the prettiest in the class. One was Amanda the other (not as cute in my childlike mind) was Shannon. One blond the other brown haired. One blue eyes the other brown. I remember vividly noticing the complexion of a girls skin from very young. When I was 10 I recall some people had freckles, others had blotches , others had deep pigments, others had moles. All of this behavior that I did I wrote about as a child and Was present far before puberty.

    Kids look at the opposite sex without sexually linked thought —- so why do we only assume men do this with sexual behavior in mind?

    i FULLY agree we men do not even have to look at women
    — religious men and the like who do so because of their faith and their focus on purity. Not because they are committed to monogamy (frankly no human is strong enough to cause this deep level of commitment) rather — but committed to God and/or a set of principals can.

    I think assuming every look is a breach of fidelity sets up a unhealthy expectation for both male and female.

    We can not expect progress From a series of behaviors of addiction while declaring we are incapable of change. We change according to the grace we give.

    I encourage the SO’s to try to contemplate the benefits of reconsidering how to approach this.

    Within a strained relationship this level of expectation could make things rapidly more toxic, unnecessarily.
    rut66 and [email protected] like this.
  17. Randy Andy

    Randy Andy Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry for your pain. I haven't had the experience of my spouse looking at others lustfully but I know it's painful to be an addict because that is definitely as "i can't act the way i want to act." It hurts me to be out of control. It's the A in PA.
    I would bet that it's not personal, I'm pretty sure my addiction has hijacked something deeply natural. I know that my looks are not to hurt my spouse in fact there's no conscious thinking going on. It's also not meant to hurt the people I'm looking at, but that is what hurts so much for me as the looker is that is not kind to look at People as if they are objects. So what im getting at is probably it's the same for the addict in your life, it is not personal against you but part of the compulsion of addiction. It may be easier to accept this than say compulsive drinking or other drug use, a weird sense of gratitude that it's not worse. But if you're not ok with it you have options, it's up to you if you want to choose acceptance such as "lust is a normal human emotion" and of course it makes a huge difference if he's taking actions.

    for me (I have no idea what my spouse thinks since I keep my recovery to myself and those who understand) I am grateful to have been kept free from having to act out (pm+) for a long time, and clearly looking is not as bad. Also when I look I always try to make it right by sending positive wishes to the person looked at, thinking humanizing thoughts about that person and her loved ones, consciously surrendering any right I may have to think of them as just a body, doing service such as cleaning a public place such as picking up trash, anything that might send instead of take. I don't know if he is trying to recover, I'm just saying for me what helps me not kill myself :). Emotions like shame and anger can be deadly if we don't have a solution that allows us to work with them.
    I wish you the very best of luck. One thing I know is how hard it can feel to think of these behaviors as just part of being an addict. I have many addicts in my life and I often feel angry at them for things they do that are probably normal for an addict. It's part of choosing to be with or around them. You may not have known he was an addict when you first got involved. I wish it wasn't an unpleasant surprise for so many innocent people. But we have choices now. I've chosen to be around a lot of addicts and others I don't associate with at all. Besides the addicts I know I also often get angry at myself for looking. This forgets the definition of an addict, remembering it really helps me with family, friends and myself. Thanks so much for asking this I've gotten a lot out of looking at it for myself.
    megaman85 likes this.
  18. thelitfit1

    thelitfit1 Fapstronaut

    I would recommend looking into Codependency or Al-Anon resources. A lot of the resources talk about dealing with a significant other who is an addict and the pain it causes. Yes, Al-Anon specifically targets the addiction of alcohol, but the principles can be applied to any addiction in general. Codependency is more about establishing healthy boundaries and detaching yourself from the destructive person healthily and with love. It has aided me in my relationship with my parents. It could help you.

    Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a great book.
    megaman85 and need4realchg like this.
  19. Tired Of Being Lied To

    Tired Of Being Lied To Fapstronaut

    Hi everyone, I am SO grateful for your replies, I've read them all and do intend to reply to each one, it's just v difficult atm, because we're in a hotel right now and he can see most of what I do. I haven't gone away and I will reply to each and every one of you.

    The actual question I was asking though, because some have asked for clarification, is exactly what goes through his mind, is he imagining her naked, is he imagining performing an act on her, or is he just looking with no thought like that.

    Thank you and I will be back to fully reply as soon as I can :)
    megaman85 and [email protected] like this.
  20. Everything stated below is with the assumption that your husband is truly sorry, and is whole-heartedly attempting to quit porn. As others have mentioned, ogling seems to be a symptom of porn addiction, and often lessens as the porn use decreases. The root of the problem is objectfying women, and porn only fortifies this mentality.

    I understand you are deeply hurt. Your husband has a problem, and it may continue to be an issue for the rest of your lives. However, you are married to this man, and both of you vowed to accept each other as is. It means taking the good with the bad. Yes, he has messed up, but hopefully he sees how much pain all this has caused you and is actively working to change. I'm sure you are not perfect either. Down the road, you will likely do something that hurts him just as much as he has hurt you. Would you want him to forgive you? Because eventually, you will have to forgive his mistakes if the marriage is to continue. I don't know what the rest of the relationship is like, but resentment to this degree will destroy what's left.

    Let me present this in a new light: his porn addiction is a bad thing, and so is ogling other women, but what are his good points? There has to be something, or you never would have married him. If you cannot think of anything, you two need marriage counseling big time. And if ultimately you cannot truly forgive him, please get a divorce. It would not help either of you to stay in a marriage with this level of resentment. I'm just being real with you, so sorry if that comes off as harsh.

    When I was heavily addicted to porn, and had lied about it several times, my wife gave me an ultimatum: quit the porn and the lying, or we're getting a divorce. It really woke me up and made me consider what was most important to me in my life. I chose my wife. It's been a struggle, but I'm a better man because of it. She finally forgave me this year. I was addicted before we even got married, and we've been married for four years. I'm saying all this to highlight that it can take a long time, maybe longer than you can handle. You have every right to pack up your bags and leave. It will be a long process with ups and downs, and professional help may be required as well. I hope the best for you and your husband.
    need4realchg likes this.

Share This Page