D
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Let me explain the scenario first and then get to the problem.
Today it was cold in the building that we did yoga in. So our teacher did make us do some yoga moves which was supposed to make our bodies warm. Even though these movements did help to some extent, they were not good enough.
So we were asked to massage each others backs, from the top of the shoulders all the way to the feet. A curvy blonde woman was my ‘warming-up massage’ partner and she turned her back to me expecting me to massage and warm her up. I felt the strong excitement and thrill to touch a woman's body as I havnt touched one in a long time. Thoughts of sex came to my mind, where my mind was not completely pure. I copied what the other couple was doing next to us and even though I initially did question it from myself, it didn’t take long for me to realise that massaging the entire back also involved the massaging and warming of the buttocks as well. I felt a rush of pleasure and excitement as soon as I realised this. My inner reptilian instinct was jumping up and down saying ‘Yes!’. With that came the feeling of an adrenaline rush and trying to think whether this woman might stop me in case if I was being inappropriate. But given that the couple next to me was happily doing it, I also did it, and I did with a lot of pleasure. Instead of having the urge to quickly move to the legs I spend the same time slowly and smoothly massaging the buttocks just like any other part of the back. The usual nice tingling sensation was becoming more intense in my groin area probably no different from the feeling an animal gets in its groin before entering its female when her back is facing towards his groin. Massaging the thighs was also nice, especially the inner thighs and I worked my way downwards all the way down to the feet. And then I repeated it in the opposite direction like the couple next to me was doing, once again feeling the joy that I can get to feel and touch a woman’s bum without having to feel awkward about it.
Then it was my turn to get massaged. It felt great, especially when she was massaging my bum. When she touched my inner thigh there was that increase in intensity of the comfortable tingling sensation in my scrotum. Thankfully I didn’t get an erection when this was happening.
If I am being completely honest, this was the best part of the yoga session which was so unexpected.
It also occurred to me that for something which was meant to be done, void of sexual desire, that strong sexual feelings did arise in me. I think this was because of the effects I had from porn, that an activity such as this which is meant to be done with no feelings of sexual desire like the way most Westerners do (as most Westerners are mature enough not to be triggered by such things), I did develop strong cravings for sex (with this woman specifically).
Even when driving back from home, I was thinking about her, but whatever sexual desire that was growing in me, I was trying to transform them into positive non-sexual feelings such as Loving-Kindness. Even though it didn’t not get rid of the urge completely it did take the edge of it and reduced the desires and cravings at that time to a fraction.
What I usually would have done in such a day would be to hide under the blanket and relieve the pressure in my groin by masturbation and ejaculation. But this time I feel that I have changed a little compared to who I was. Today I was strong enough to hold back and I am confident in myself that by the end of today I will not ejaculate (not even have a wet dream).
I know my response was not perfect and that I should have been better. But I did see a good improvement, in a way that I am still in celibacy mode after this physical encounter.
I do not deny that I have desire and that I am not above this. I know that this intimate touch has led to a massive dopamine surge in my brain and because of this it may take even longer for me to fully reboot. But still I am happy and I see that I have made an improvement.
I hope to develop a mature mindset that most Westerners have, to see this as completely non-sexual the same way as how Western men behave in beaches where women are scantily clad, where they see it as a normal experience and not see anything sexual in that. I would consider the Western mindset towards the touch as well as seeing as the ideal for me. Given that I am from Asia, we are not as mature as Westerners but I feel I can learn from them and develop from their positive influence.
Today it was cold in the building that we did yoga in. So our teacher did make us do some yoga moves which was supposed to make our bodies warm. Even though these movements did help to some extent, they were not good enough.
So we were asked to massage each others backs, from the top of the shoulders all the way to the feet. A curvy blonde woman was my ‘warming-up massage’ partner and she turned her back to me expecting me to massage and warm her up. I felt the strong excitement and thrill to touch a woman's body as I havnt touched one in a long time. Thoughts of sex came to my mind, where my mind was not completely pure. I copied what the other couple was doing next to us and even though I initially did question it from myself, it didn’t take long for me to realise that massaging the entire back also involved the massaging and warming of the buttocks as well. I felt a rush of pleasure and excitement as soon as I realised this. My inner reptilian instinct was jumping up and down saying ‘Yes!’. With that came the feeling of an adrenaline rush and trying to think whether this woman might stop me in case if I was being inappropriate. But given that the couple next to me was happily doing it, I also did it, and I did with a lot of pleasure. Instead of having the urge to quickly move to the legs I spend the same time slowly and smoothly massaging the buttocks just like any other part of the back. The usual nice tingling sensation was becoming more intense in my groin area probably no different from the feeling an animal gets in its groin before entering its female when her back is facing towards his groin. Massaging the thighs was also nice, especially the inner thighs and I worked my way downwards all the way down to the feet. And then I repeated it in the opposite direction like the couple next to me was doing, once again feeling the joy that I can get to feel and touch a woman’s bum without having to feel awkward about it.
Then it was my turn to get massaged. It felt great, especially when she was massaging my bum. When she touched my inner thigh there was that increase in intensity of the comfortable tingling sensation in my scrotum. Thankfully I didn’t get an erection when this was happening.
If I am being completely honest, this was the best part of the yoga session which was so unexpected.
It also occurred to me that for something which was meant to be done, void of sexual desire, that strong sexual feelings did arise in me. I think this was because of the effects I had from porn, that an activity such as this which is meant to be done with no feelings of sexual desire like the way most Westerners do (as most Westerners are mature enough not to be triggered by such things), I did develop strong cravings for sex (with this woman specifically).
Even when driving back from home, I was thinking about her, but whatever sexual desire that was growing in me, I was trying to transform them into positive non-sexual feelings such as Loving-Kindness. Even though it didn’t not get rid of the urge completely it did take the edge of it and reduced the desires and cravings at that time to a fraction.
What I usually would have done in such a day would be to hide under the blanket and relieve the pressure in my groin by masturbation and ejaculation. But this time I feel that I have changed a little compared to who I was. Today I was strong enough to hold back and I am confident in myself that by the end of today I will not ejaculate (not even have a wet dream).
I know my response was not perfect and that I should have been better. But I did see a good improvement, in a way that I am still in celibacy mode after this physical encounter.
I do not deny that I have desire and that I am not above this. I know that this intimate touch has led to a massive dopamine surge in my brain and because of this it may take even longer for me to fully reboot. But still I am happy and I see that I have made an improvement.
I hope to develop a mature mindset that most Westerners have, to see this as completely non-sexual the same way as how Western men behave in beaches where women are scantily clad, where they see it as a normal experience and not see anything sexual in that. I would consider the Western mindset towards the touch as well as seeing as the ideal for me. Given that I am from Asia, we are not as mature as Westerners but I feel I can learn from them and develop from their positive influence.
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