A very severe case - My Story

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Clumsy, Aug 10, 2014.

  1. Clumsy

    Clumsy Banned


    I was only a little kid the first time I looked at pornographic material. My older brother had some magazines, and I found them in his room by accident when I was around five years old. Today I'm so sure that this disturbed my psychological development, if not by a little bit atleast.

    I remember that I masturbated when I was a little kid too, though I never reached an orgasm of course, and some years would pass by before I started masturbation for real. I was probably ten or eleven years old when I had my first orgasm, I'm not exactly sure. But I remember it, very well. The orgasm was so strong, and I had never before felt such pure bliss. I got instantly addicted to it and found it very relaxing and enjoyable. I started doing it every night, before sleep. It didn't take long before all my phychological issues started...

    I was a very extroverted child with a strong will and with a strong ambition. I loved school, and I loved to study and I was very aware of my own future and goals, even when I was like eight years old. It's unusual I know, and I had a fairly strong intellect and even though I didn't study more than any other kid, I did very well. I learned that I didn't have to spend my time on school, I could just read things once and I would remember it all.

    I had no social problems whatsoever, I wasn't maybe the most richest child when it comes to friends, but I was never afraid of taking contact. I was also very physically active, played football in an almost manic manner and did very well.

    To summarize it all, I was a very vital and energetic child, very talkative and outgoing, joyful, always laughing and on the go. I was what every child should be, healthy!

    Road to ruin

    As I said, I remember my first orgasm very well and I started doing it every day, there was no fantasies or pornography, I simply enjoyed the rush the orgasm offered. It was like a non-sexual masturbation.

    Anyway, it didn't take too long before I noticed strange things happening to me. I was little and stupid and never made the connection with my private habits. I started having panic-attacks, which started exactly around that time I discovered masturbation. I got depressed shortly after, lost all my ambition and interest in school and sport. I lost the appetite and couldn't eat, food made me wanna throw up. I started disliking myself, I lost confidence and didn't do well anymore in my football team. I couldn't concentrate at school and I would masturbate more, like two to three times a day, every single day. I hadn't even hit puberty yet.

    I was getting tired, I slept much longer and woke up, tired like a zombie. My energy was rapidly decreasing and I felt tired most of the day. Parents, teachers and friends started to notice this, they all wondered what was wrong. They tried to help me but they couldn't find out what was wrong with me and neither could I.

    When I thirteen years old I had developed a very poor eyesight. I went to doctors, did several tests, they took pictures, every test... They could not find anything wrong. Nothing. They thought I lied to awake attention I think, but what do I know.

    My eyes just couldn't focus, it was like stars floating around my vision, making me unable to focus, for a while I thought I had dyslexia.

    I also got a bit pale, my digestive system broke completely, though I ate healthy foods. My muscels got stiff, especially my neck and back, and I felt like an old man in the mornings when I was thirteen. My ears started buzzing, I thought I had tinnitus. I became socially awkward, developed mild OCD and anxiety. Migraine and general pains was standard. Remember I went to doctors and they couldn't find anything wrong with me.

    I loved to write stories as a child, but now at age thirteen I couldn't find the right words. It was like chaos in my head.

    One year later I drank alcohol for the first time. Woke up the next day with an extremely bad hang-over. My eyesight had turned darker, I had really bad Visual snow symptoms AND, WHAT MADE ME HATE LIFE - DEVELOPED DEREALIZATION. My emotions died that day and they haven't showed up ever since, atleast not the good, complex emotions I would get by looking at a beautiful painting, reading a good book or hearing a nice song.

    I thought it was just a hung-over but the symptoms never disappeared. I've now learned that derealization and visual snow is not caused by anxiety in itself, but by heavy strains on the mind. Masturbation in excess is the underlying cause, but drinking or weed is triggering it.

    I could go on forever. I'm now nineteen years old and I read old literature, and old writers talk about the symptoms of excessive masturbation (I do not read religious freak books) and I've got every single one of them. A dragging gait, dry mouth, bad posture, weak musculatury, weak nerves, bad eyesight, troubled voice, low self-esteem and self-confidence, concentration problems, poor digestive system, stiff back and neck, fatigue, lack of ambition and drive, the list goes on...

    I wanted to share my experience to motivate people. Don't get into this mess. I know that I'm a very extreme case since I could sometimes do it five to six times a day, and all my symptoms, psychological aswell as physical are very extreme ones and does not apply to all. But if you fap five times a day for some years, then you can be pretty sure that you'll develop and poor body and mind.

    I'm motivated and extremely secure in my goal now, and I wont masturbate ever again. Not watch porn, no masturbation or orgasm. If I have sex, it's going to be with a real person. Not my hand.

    Stay strong!

    Last edited: Sep 23, 2014
    Dagger323 and KuLeBreeZ like this.
  2. Reborn.

    Reborn. New Fapstronaut

    Wow, I actually have a pretty similar story, used to play football too, sport/academic ability decreased, emotionally empty, also had to get glasses, think about it: staring at porn point blank range every night for year(s) with force...of course sight is gonna get worse.

    I've certainly had some of my emotions return (about to how they were before PMO), have yours?

    but I'm 16 now. glad I decided to quit early.

    good luck!
  3. Clumsy

    Clumsy Banned

    Hi I'm happy you quit early, wow I wish I was 16 again.

    But my eyesight didn't get bad because of porn, but cause of masturbation because my eyesight was decreasing before I watched porn. And my eyesight has slightly improved now.

    Good luck to you man! And make sure that you don't masturbate, really, I'm not religious, I don't think you go to hell but just don't do it. Ejaculate with a real partner instead.

    Good luck mate!
  4. IGY

    IGY Guest

    This is terribly sad to read and it frustrates me that there are no warnings about this at a young age at school (or any age for that matter). It seems that pornography was not so much the issue, which seems an unusual point of view on this forum. I wish you well on your physical, psychological and sexual journey of recovery: IGY
  5. Clumsy

    Clumsy Banned

    Thank you very much, I appreciate.

    Well I didn't have a computer before I got 14, and I had it in my parents room and used it only to play games, and my imagination has always been pretty rich. I never looked to pornography extremely much, but of course it became a problem later on. But I haven't found it hard to quit pornography, only masturbation and fantasy.
  6. DonkeyKong22

    DonkeyKong22 Fapstronaut

    this is completely my frustration too, nicotine addiction, gambling addiction, drug addiction is advertised very widely. I feel bitter that I made a conscious effort and successfully avoided any of these issues but stumbled across porn addiction as a teenager on the internet.
  7. Ekhangel

    Ekhangel Fapstronaut

    Be happy you are now pursuing cleanliness and will promote it among friends and your future children. The world has already become a better place thanks to you.
  8. Clumsy

    Clumsy Banned

    Yes that motivates me and also all the improvements I notice, thing is that the road to recovery is damn hard, I'm at the moment very depressed and my chest is heavy...

    But I'll fight on.
  9. perusan

    perusan Fapstronaut

    Hi Clumsy

    I have a couple of questions - when you were a kid, was it just once a day? How long for? Your experience sounds like mine although I didn't experience anywhere near as severe physical symptoms.

    Also, do you have a list of the books you mention? I am curious to have a read of them myself.

    The road to recovery IS hard, but only in comparison to the road to ruin. If you compare it to the rest of your life free from addiction, it is so worth it that it becomes easy.

    Good luck!

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