Addicted to porn since childhood

I am from India. I am 27 and unmarried. Pornography got into my life very early even before Internet became a norm in India. As far as I remember, my curiosity to porn started from regular newspapers, magazines and most importantly movies. Though the first nude I saw was in 2003 approximately (when I was 13), it was not an accident. It was the almost-nude pictures and intimate scenes in these media that motivated me into this gradually.

India first launched Internet services in 1995. Back then it was a luxury which very few people had. In another 5 years, Cyber Cafe business boomed and every main road in my city flaunted a Cyber Cafe at 10 Rupees per hour or 15 Rupees per hour. To lure the children and youngsters, they coupled this up with games like Road Rash. Anyone could just walk in, lock the door of the cabin and do whatever they want at just 10 or 15 per hour. Most of our parents never had an idea about the Internet's dark side. They thought we would just go in there and play games or learn something new. Our government too did not realise this until they saw many cyber criminals getting away easily. They started regulating cyber cafe's in around 2003. Up till this time, anyone could walkin into cyber cafe and do anything. Still, after this regulation, seldom we could find any cyber cafe strictly following the guidelines. But no, I never got permission from my parents for these things because I was poor at studies.

One of the main reasons I ended up as a porn addict is the peer pressure. I was very emotional when I was a child and I still am. I was (and still am) a silent and lonely kind of guy. I was very weak in studies too. In around seventh grade, just around the advent of Internet Cafe's, I started noticing my classmates discuss in secret how they entered the Cyber Cafe for playing games and what they had discovered there. This triggered my curiosity and I felt an urge to take all my fantasies from other forms of media to the next level. But still, I never got money to visit the cyber cafe. I had very few friends and they were ignorant about this. But when we moved to eighth grade, even these friends were exposed to this. They had started teasing me like I am losing out something very important. They started behaving with me as if I am a loser. I being very emotional, my ego was hurt very badly and I made up my mind that I WILL DO THIS one day.

The day I first saw a real nude, I was like "YUCK !!! how could people undress themselves like this? how could I watch this?". I felt very disgusted and I probably never watched it for a few months. At that time, I didn't have so much knowledge about SEX. I knew that penetration occurs but I never knew it would end up in an orgasm. One day, when our school had taken us for a camp, in the midst of a conversation, one of my classmates explained me what a man and a woman do in intimacy and how women get pregnant. That was the first time I heard about orgasm and the semen which my friend described as a "white creamy liquid".

A few days after coming back from the camp, one day I found myself alone, I bought a fashion magazine and locked myself in my room. I don't remember what led to what after that, but in some time, I saw that 'white creamy liquid' emitting. It was a feeling of amazement as well as disgust. In a few moments, I was feeling very guilty. I felt like I lost something. Now I realise what I had lost then. I had actually lost my chastity. If you think fapping doesn't make you unchaste, then I would argue that at least for example my eyes lost chastity because I looked at the privates of someone who is not my spouse. This guilt prevented me from confessing this to my friends even at the later stage.

A few days later my guilt subsided and I fapped again. This time not fashion magazines. This time it was porn. Gradually in a matter of few months, the disgust faded away. I would enjoy but after fapping and reaching orgasm, I would feel the guilt for a few days but it would eventually subside. It became a habit to not confess to my friends. This added to the depth of my loneliness. Even after 14 years of porn addiction, I haven't revealed this to anyone.

In a few months, this became a daily job. The vicious cycle of porn->fapping->guilt->recovery->happiness->again porn was endless. Every day at least 1-2 hours slipped away into porn. On weekends it was 4-5 hours. It was so chronic that when I didn't have money for the cyber cafe, I used to steal it from my mom's purse. All the money I got was wasted in porn. I stopped playing outdoor, I stopped socializing. All I did was watch the porn and fap. I remember that on the previous night of some of my degree semester exams, I was watching porn and fapping. The next day I was blank and I bunked the exam itself. Those subjects took me 5 years to clear whereas my degree duration was just 4 years.

When I realised that I was getting enslaved by this addiction, I thought I should share this with some of my best friends. So I just passively enquired about their stand on porn without revealing my status. Even the most open mouthed of them told me that he wasn't addicted to it and that he would watch only once in a while. I was like "What have I gotten myself into? what have I done to myself?". That was the end. I decided to bury this secret within myself. But I now developed a disgust for myself. I hated myself. But I couldn't quit porn. Porn and fapping which were once a means of secret enjoyment, now became a means of mere distracting myself from this disgust.

I hate pornography from the bottom of my heart, but when the urge comes, I succumb. after all these years, I feel like a 60 year old. I feel lazy and lethargic all the time. I have become weak in speech and have started stuttering. I have developed tinnitus and have a moderate-severe 'high frequency hearing loss'. At just 27, I have lost almost all my hair on the scalp. I have become very forgetful and absent minded. I am always lost in a deep brain fog. I have lost my patience and I get agitated easily. My life has become such a humiliating one lately. But I am a warrior. I will fight till my last breath. That's why I am joining the NoFappers Army today.

Before getting introduced to NoFap, I had nofapped actually. I had hit the score of maybe 50 days when I was 18 because I had a crush on a girl in college. After that no streak for 8-9 years. Lately, I had a streak of 40 days in Dec 2016 - Jan 2017. After that, in March-April 2017, I had a streak of 21 days. And this time, I am about to hit 14 days and let's hope this time it is permanent.

I am very happy to have found this site where I could write my heart out. I am glad that I joined the NoFappers Army. Hopefully one day, I will become the Field Marshal of this Army.

I would request the seniors to give me some suggestions and chuck some tips at me.

Once again, Thank you all and All the best.

 

That was a great piece of advice .... Thanks a lot

I will keep that in mind

 

Thank you boss ...

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