Anxiety around Females (Help!!)

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by TurboBull92, Feb 21, 2020.

  1. TurboBull92

    TurboBull92 Fapstronaut

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    I'm a 28 year old married man who's always struggled with being nervous around beautiful women. Back in high school I had no shame, I could walk up to almost any girl and befriend her expect the overly pretty ones. Once in college I started experimenting with weed and I matured and this is where anxiety really rook a hold of my mind.

    During my college days I would blaze up and I would fap and watch porn which created a goddess like image of beautiful women. Something I seemed I could never attain or deal with. Beautiful women became something extraordinary and extremely difficult to get.

    Although I work with mostly females, a majority of the time I am not nervous.But I think it's my experience with porn and it's misconceptions about the beautiful ones I encounter that has been played into this anxiety. This is something I NEED to get past in order to grow as a man. I NEED to look past her looks and face my fear.

    Talking to average looking woman is not a big deal with me, however, whenever there is a pretty one I feel nervous. Even if I know she is married I feel anxious when talking to her. She's standing there with her pretty eyes, makeup, nice outfit, I'm crazy about her and I tense up or feel anxious. I'm convinced that porn has placed anxiety deep into me and I truly think this is a construct built upon me by years of pornography. I think it's an irrational fear that keeps playing me and stopping me in my tracks. I only feel this way around women I see very attractive. There's got to be a way to stop this. I can't continue this and I want to find the root of this problem.

    Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
    What do you think when approaching an attractive woman?
    What are some ways to push past this anxiety?
    Is there a way to stop this anxiety?
    Can anxiety like this go away over time.


    Here are some examples:

    Regular co-worker, I would have no anxiety. Could care less.
    https://d36tnp772eyphs.cloudfront.net/blogs/1/2015/02/german2.jpg

    Anxiety kicks in, heart pounding, mind places her on pedestal.
    https://i.pinimg.com/originals/0a/5e/85/0a5e85a8080718dfa116b67d77a3df37.jpg
     
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  2. Metis07

    Metis07 Fapstronaut

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    Anxiety is a product of YOUR thoughts in YOUR head. It’s not the surroundings (especially if it is not life threatening situation) it’s your thoughts at that moment what make you anxious.
    So try to master your thoughts (mindfulness exercises, meditation, be present at the exact moment, etc.).
    It’s not interacting with beautiful girls makes you uncomfortable, it’s your fear while interacting with them.
    Second thing - our fears most probably have psychological roots (most probably coming from childhood, so it’s better to work them out).
    And the most radical treatment of your fear (especially when you are ready by using techniques to master your thoughts, so you are rather calm) while interacting with a beautiful girl do/say something that you are afraid about (for example something stupid, unfunny, etc. if you fear that she will have a bad image of you). You will see that her thoughts (which also you don’t know, just assume) won’t kill you.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2020
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  3. My resolve

    My resolve Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, I guess you just have to realise that beautiful women are humans just like you and me and not some foreign deity that acts and thinks differently from anyone else. Then you can just talk to them like talking to any other person. I am dealing with a similar problem. I find when talking to new attractive women, I overthink and go through every many situations in my head that could occur and end up not saying anything. I had unrealistic expectation of how to talk to women. One day I was told just to not think about it so much and jut talk like how I would talk to any other person. This for me at least made me a lot more relaxed when talking to attractive women in turn making conversation a lot less awkward.
    The moral of this story is just remember they are human too. You say that you have built a goddess perception of beautiful women. They are not gods. They talk and think like any other person except they just look a little better when doing it. I hope this helps!!!
     
  4. TurboBull92

    TurboBull92 Fapstronaut

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    So far so good. I'm enjoying the replies. Mostly things I already know and have considered.

    The most important thing to know is HOW to diminish the anxiety around a beautiful woman. It just comes on whenever I'm around a very pretty one. Sometimes after talking to them for a few minutes I can see their makeup is caked on, she's got a mole on her neck, etc, we have things in common. But, remember this is about finding ways to suppress the anxiety.

    A good example of anxiety fading is with my career. I was a school teacher, very shy and nervous talking to my students at first. After years of being around them I just home in and teach regardless if my AP or a parent is watching. My goal is to achieve this with beautiful women.

    Granted, it would be best to imagine HER being the one anxious of ME. Sometimes I try to imagine her as ugly. Seeing her just as a woman who may be the nervous one does help.
     
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  5. TurboBull92

    TurboBull92 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, man. I understand they are just women. Fortunately, I'm actually married but this is something that just needs to be resolved. She has lots of girl friends and sorority sisters but I was never nervous around them. Best way to describe it as if the fear of being rejected by something I never attained is still there. It's almost like when you go in for a job interview and every interview you were rejected. It's a perceived outcome, but instead of a job it's a very beautiful woman. I may just have to do something awkward on purpose to face fear of rejection.
     
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  6. @TurboBull92, that's a good idea, to be a bit awkward on purpose to face that fear, as long as it's not too obnoxious lol... I remember Stephen Colbert saying in an interview that after some of his family died in a plane crash when he was younger he got real dark for a while, and in coming out of that dark place and back to reality and to participating in normal social life he would absolutely crave some silly opportunity to be absolutely embarrassing and awkward and funny, whether it was in an elevator or on a busy subway car, etc... You just made me think a big thought lol so bear with me, and I don't know your life but I'm guessing you like me haven't had to bear an absolutely extreme emotional tragedy and thus we are more sensitive to subtle psycho-social anxieties whereas someone like Colbert who felt absolute suffocating darkness at the age of like eleven couldn't feel to care in the slightest that some women think he's a freak while breaking out in spontanious song and dance on an elevator ride, and actually relishes in the release of maintaining face for a moment.

    My thought on the whole social anxiety thing runs along the lines of the logic behind cold showers. I think the experts say that humans and their psycho-emotional systems developed in conditions in which there would be long stretches of calm with intermittent moments of extreme, acute stress. We now live in conditions in which there is only this subdued yet all-day every-day consistent stress with no acute stress to help find a natural homeostasis for our hormonal systems. So cold showers change the mental focus as if to say "hey buddy, you're alive, here, now, a human animal that could die any second, wake the fuck up to that! Stop worrying about a moment of embarrassment yesterday that the girl has already forgotten about!" Honestly try thinking and feeling about an awkward two second situation after a five minute cold shower... No fuckin way!

    So in the same way, the more emotionally acute situations of stress you put yourself in, the less there will be of a build up of this subtle tv-static stress that causes social anxiety and eventually full blown pathology. I started working a retail-type job a few months ago after not working with people for like two years straight. I've got so much shit on my mind to do the job well that I'm constantly having awkward moments with customers and coworkers and at first I felt like fucking death after every shift purely from being an over-emotional people-pleasing twat. But I have enough sense to see that I'm way to sensitive for my own or anyone else's good, and decided I needed to stick with the job and just let these awkward situations happen over and over again until somewhere in my bones I understand that ultimately it doesn't fucking matter! And it's a hundred percent working, my boss said I got real good reviews online from customers and I get along with my coworkers and most important I'm not having manic episodes of anxiety in my head after an uncomfortable moment or shift... I was awkward as fuck with this insanely pretty girl who works in the same building last week and yesterday I ran into her again and talked with her and it was smooth as hell... A few months ago I would've avoided her like the plague but, from sticking with this job, the idea that social anxiety is a complete waste of energy is actually sinking in well.

    Fuck, I guess I'm just saying exposure therapy works lol, sorry it took three paragraphs, I guess I just wanted to think that through after reading your posts there. Good luck to you sir!
     
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  7. TurboBull92

    TurboBull92 Fapstronaut

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    Great tips. Would you mind talking sometime because I'd like to hear more.
    Remember I'm a married man and I know a lot of girls. But whenever I see a stranger or very attractive woman I get anxiety. It's seriously childish to me at this point and needs to be extinguished. I should have no problem walking up to the hottest woman in the room and worry about my anxiety.

    Do the cold showers work? I've heard they give you awesome benefits.
     
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  8. @TurboBull92 Yeah, shoot me a message sometime. Ever since that wily dutchman Wim Hof appeared on Rogan's podcast a few years ago I've been a firm believer in the holy cold water, tis quite an unbiased and unforgiving teacher!
     
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  9. Poseidon

    Poseidon Fapstronaut

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    People are people... I’ll talk to anyone.
     
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  10. TurboBull92

    TurboBull92 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah. That's a good way to look at it
     
  11. Marvelgurl23

    Marvelgurl23 Fapstronaut

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    Stop talking with attractive woman? Or face your fears and just do it so many times it doesn't bother you anymore. Women won't change how they feel until you start chilling out and expecting anything from the conversation other than a normal conversation and nothing else. Tbh I think you have wild expectations of an encounter with a pretty woman and then its funny how you don't even care about the regular woman. How would you think it any different? Just because she's pretty? I don't mean to sound bitter but I just think you should be a little more realistic about the situation and not freak out simply because she is attractive. She could be psychotic on the inside and you wouldn't even know it. Maybe try to find other things about women to focus on like their personality or find some common humor to talk about.

    If I had to offer a perspective from the other side, when I come across attractive men there isn't rly a place to look except their face. Yea I might notice an attractive build or a nice jawline but I'm always looking in the eyes even when I'm shy. So look people in the eyes and try not to objectify them at first glance.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2020
  12. TurboBull92

    TurboBull92 Fapstronaut

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    I will. Thank you.
     
  13. TurboBull92

    TurboBull92 Fapstronaut

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    Let me say, I'm actually a former teacher. I work in a field dominated by women and I went to college with all women. It's not that I'm not used to being around them or don't know how to talk to them. It's something else deeper on the inside I'm trying to figure out.

    I think you have wild expectations of an encounter with a pretty woman and then its funny how you don't even care about the regular woman.
    I most likely do. Maybe there's still nervousness from all my rejections with women I always found very attractive. I got rejected a lot in college and did smoke a lot which could have contributed to this. Yes, regular women don't bother me.Today at lunch, two women randomly sat with me. Next thing you know, I showed them photos of my vacation, we talked about work, their family, etc. No problem. It's not talking to women or women themselves maybe I'm nervous just women I have a high attraction to.

    How would you think it any different? It's probably a reflection of my self esteem. In college I felt like I wasn't good enough, but I know I'm a successful person?

    Just because she's pretty?
    This sounds so stupid, but yes.

    I don't mean to sound bitter but I just think you should be a little more realistic about the situation and not freak out simply because she is attractive
    . That's why I posted this. I'm trying to get a grip on the reality of the situation here. I placed myself at a table where I thought both of the women were attractive and engaged in conversation. I did think to myself. "this is just a feeling, not the reality. Stop it, this is stupid." I was able to hold a conversation and you can't tell on the outside but I kept feeling nervous.


    Maybe try to find other things about women to focus on like their personality.
    Personality is what mainly drives me to befriend a woman. My wife has lots of girl friends who have nice personalities and looks isn't my focus with them. She's actually the prettiest out of all of her friends and the women she knows. Never nervous around them. Weird.

    Why am I so nervous? Could it be that the effects of weed and porn has engraved some fear of hot women into my mind? Maybe a strange beautiful woman is the reflection of my subconscious and my fear of rejection. We going deep! LMAO.
     
  14. Marvelgurl23

    Marvelgurl23 Fapstronaut

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    Well, you said it yourself, you are married to a beautiful woman and have no trouble with her. You shouldn't have trouble with other women either since you say its something you deal with in your career on the daily. I think you just have to accept rejection because it happens all the time to every person on the planet whether you are the most attractive person or not. That is something you have to deal with and not let it reflect on you as a person.

    At this point just learn a little gratitude that you can have a position where you are near attractive women on a day -to-day basis and can conquer some fear when talking to some women. I can definitely say not every guy on this website or struggling with anxiety has that ability so just work on it.
     
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  15. JamesQue

    JamesQue New Fapstronaut

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    I think a lot of our anxiety in dealing with people has to do with what we think people are thinking about us. We really have no idea what people think about us unless they tell us. For example, we are talking to someone who unconsciously scratches their nose with their middle finger. In our heads we think "they are flipping me off" and act accordingly, which leads to our alienation from that person. What other people think of us is ultimately none of our business. If they want us to know they will tell us. So if we have awkwardness or anxiety, I think it is because in our head we think "oh, she knows I'm a pervert" or "she thinks I'm creepy" whatever, it's not conducive to a healthy interaction. I treat people like I think that they think that I'm the coolest person they've met. I need to explain this a little, I'm not saying that I believe they think I'm the coolest person they've met, nor do I think that I'm the coolest person they've met (far from it.) It's just in this particular interaction, I'm going to put that in my head that they think that and act accordingly. It frees me to be myself during that interaction without trying to be someone I'm not.
     
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  16. LordQuas

    LordQuas Fapstronaut

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    @TurboBull92

    Man the second girl is amazing, she's really hot! You should put a TRIGGER WARNING ;)

    No seriously, I feel you. It's normal to be anxious around girls like that, I date this type of girls and I feel nervous. My problem was (still is) sweat and shaky hands, since I started noFap, it got better, less anxiety, less sweat and no shaky hands.

    In my opinion, we are nervous not just because the girl is beautiful, but because we are nervous to fail the interaction with her, that would mean that you won't get her in your bed. Think about it, you said it yourself, regular girls you are not nervous around them, why? Because you don't want to have sex with them that much. But when you see a hot girl, the first that comes to your mind is: I want to fuck her. Even if you are married, you will think like that. So that's why we are nervous, because we want to have sex with her and we don't know if it's gonna work. Performance anxiety, outcome oriented. You want to make a good impression, it's like going to an interview for a job you really want, you are going to be nervous, if you go for a job you don't really care, you're not going to feel anxious.

    How to fix that? that's a tough one especially with the picture of the second girl you showed us. The only way to feel less anxious is being with that kind of girls all the time, on a regular basic. This way you will start to understand how they think, what they are and you will realize that they are normal girls. But because they are hot you will always be a bit nervous, but with time it will become your reality to be surrounded by hot girls. NoFap helps to reduce anxiety in general. Not sure if it's porn related, might be.

    Can you tell me how you feel exactly when it happens? what happens inside of your head? your internal dialogue. How do you feel physically? Do you feel that kind of pression in your chest and like your mind is all over the place?

    Really good thread!
     
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2020
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