Back here again. Need to check in

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by synthetic, Jan 8, 2019.

  1. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I was here maybe 18 months ago. I reached I think around 75 days no PMO, then relapsed with MO, then then P came back at some point.

    Now I'm about 4-5 weeks no P, but still MO maybe 2-3 times a week.

    I've experienced the worsening effect that P has had on my life. I was experiencing such big ups and downs in my mood, my concentration, and my motivation. I would use P to just level these things out. It's a horrible way to live.

    Now in some ways I can sense an improvement, but there's still a rollercoaster happening with how I'm feeling, but that's to be expected. I'm facing emotions that I'd rather not feel right now. I often used P to bury feelings and to self-medicate. Today is one of those days. I find my reactions to things in my life, the things that people say and do, are really strong. Someone made me feel angry today, and I was filled with rage about it, that was totally disproportionate to what they did. I hadn't felt this angry in a long long time, but I didn't get angry with them. I had enough foresight to realise that this was more about me than them, even though I will talk to them about it when I'm calm.

    But I'm looking forward to feeling better. I stopped the P in isolation, thinking that maybe I can do this on my own. But who am I kidding lol! It's a big deal. I need help.

    I'm not quite ready to quit MO. Last time I did it all at once, whilst being in recovery from drug addiction too, and having bipolar disorder as well. It was too much.
     
    4DCreator likes this.
  2. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

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    Feel absolutely awful today. Just left school at lunch time. Have been feeling so many emotions. It takes a lot of energy just to put on a happy face and hide it. I need some alone time just to chill and catch my breath.

    Does anyone else find they reach a new level of wanting to stay away from p? I think I'm realising just how damaging it is.
     
    VulpesInculta likes this.
  3. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

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  4. Endless Pursuit

    Endless Pursuit New Fapstronaut

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    Synthetic..I can say that the amout of time you have suceeded, and managed to stop pmo is an achievement. Your post gives hope. I have little to speak about as Im on 10 days no PMO. Im thinking its like Thomas Edison and the light bulb. Each time he failed, he knew his goal, and he viewed each time he failed as progress, it was a success on his way to his goal, and eventually he got it. Probably doesnt make one feel any better but sometimes someone outside can see an accomplishment that someone fighting might not see
     
  5. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Endless Pursuit. Yeah I can be a bit glass half empty, but try to be optimistic. I did make it that far. I must be almost 2 months no P now. I don't know the exact date. Still struggling a bit. Hope your journey is going well.
     
  6. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

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    To be honest I'm really struggling. It's been very up and down. I've been depressed the past week I think. Lots of suicidal thoughts. Feel super sensitive. I was away on the weekend with friends, and it's pretty common for us to give each other some shit, in a friendly, loving way of course. But I was feeling it personally, and my head was trying to convince me that they were coming for me. It's all irrational I know, but I feel like glass.

    I'm supposed to be doing some study right now, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Normally I enjoy doing it, but the motivation and enthusiasm isn't there. I know all this will pass, like everything always does. I just gotta hang on. There is a SLAA meeting tonight. I'm thinking I need to go.
     
  7. Hello,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. Rebooting has its ups and downs, just like life. We see many people experiencing both the ups and downs during the reboot, and though it may be hard to see now, these feelings you are having won’t last forever. It will get better with time, if you are patient and wait.

    In the meantime, please seek professional help. I know the idea of calling a helpline might terrify you, but in times of crisis, we often need someone their to put our lives in perspective. So please contact someone who can help and don’t hang up on them. The International Association for Suicide Prevention maintains a list of suicide prevention hotlines for countries all over the world. Also, if you don’t feel up to actually talking to someone on the phone, StopSuicide maintains a list of online instant messaging and chat suicide prevention resources.

    You are not alone in this. There are ways to treat depression. Please contact people that can help you. Being depressed often makes it feel like you don’t have any more options. But that is a lie. That is just the depression talking. These feeling you have won’t last forever. We are in this with you, and we will all be cheering for you to get through this!
     
    synthetic likes this.
  8. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Beamer. I'm just about to head to the SLAA meeting. I'll be honest about what I'm going through there. I know a number of the people there, so I'll be in good hands.
     
  9. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

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    Did the meeting. It was great to connect, and be with people who understand p addiction and won't judge. Shared on why I use p, and how I use it to escape feelings, and my fear of being intimate with people. Trying not to get overwhelmed with the path ahead, and just focus on the day to day.
     
  10. Good going!
    I respect that. Keep on the path!!
     
    synthetic likes this.
  11. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Ogikubo.

    Have had a challenging few days. My mum had breast cancer surgery on Friday. Her pulse and blood pressure took a nosedive afterwards, which scared my sister enough to call me to tell me to come to the hospital ASAP. Phone calls like that in the past have usually meant someone is going to die to me. So I was really scared. But mum is ok now. Going to spend some time with her today. I've been super emotional all weekend. I haven't MO since last sunday, so I'm feeling that, as well as what's been happening. Been tempted at times, but staying strong.
     
    Ogikubo likes this.
  12. You have much more on your plate than I do at the moment and you are still doing good! Looks like your family looks to you as a person of strength - they must be right, you can't fool them. So even though your personal life might not be all you want it to be, the fact is that people who care the most for you believe in you and love you.
     
    synthetic likes this.
  13. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

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    Wow ogikubo you're right. You have some good insight there! When I think about it they do look to me for strength. I'm grateful I can be present for them now, as I haven't always been.

    The past few days have been much better for me. Less struggling. Noticing I'm more connected with the world. Noticing how attractive guys are. Things seem more colourful too.
     
    Ogikubo likes this.
  14. What great news. I guess I could say that to you because that's what people in my family have told me - and it really surprised me, I just didn't notice it. Once you do realize that, you have another reason to quit the porn & fapping! I think you have got this.
     
    synthetic likes this.
  15. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

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    Back here again, again! Geez it's a bit like groundhog day. I was doing ok for awhile, save for the odd slip with MO. Still no P. It's been 4 months with that. But I binge fapped last week 4 times over the space of two days. Pulled up on Friday. Anyhow, starting from sunday I've been in the worst mood. So irritable and grumpy, and sometimes full of rage. Everyone is pissing me off, and old resentments come to the surface. I haven't acted out and got angry with anyone. I can keep a lid on it. Been going to the gym to get some of the aggression out. But apart from that I've been laying low just in case I do blow up on someone and cause damage. Does anyone get this just from fapping??!? I'm being taught a lesson that this just can't be a part of my life anymore. P is definitely a bottom line with me, but MO is something I've been compromising on. But I don't think I can do it anymore. The after effects are just too damn awful. I don't know what happened to my brain, but it hates it when I stop MO. But on a positive, I have been making more of an effort to meet people away from the internet lately. When I don't MO I'm way more interesting in the outside world and the people in it. Grateful P isn't in my life anymore, but I still need to be careful around it. I don't know how I'm going to get by without MO. I'm just going to have to meet someone lol
     
  16. Jag Hyde

    Jag Hyde Fapstronaut

    Don't give up bud. I'm right there with you. I'm on day 15, but want to give up in a bad way! I'm so tired of the relapse cycle. I just don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
     
    synthetic likes this.
  17. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. You too. We just have to keep on keeping on. It's wiped out my week so far. It's not worth the pain after! People think I'm grumpy because my internship didn't turn into a full time job last week, but it's not that at all haha.
     
    Jag Hyde likes this.
  18. Jag Hyde

    Jag Hyde Fapstronaut

    I understand completely. I know those days, weeks, months that were lost to the quest for more PMO. People always wondered why I was so moody when I was in my depths of my obsession with M. I often wondered too, but now I know!
     
  19. synthetic

    synthetic Fapstronaut

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    I know right. I was putting it down to all sorts of things, like maybe I wasn't sleeping right, or maybe people really were being annoying, or maybe I'm lacking iron or something haha. I was totally not seeing the elephant in the room. Oh well. At least I do now. The way it releases dopamine in the brain, it makes sense.
     
    Jag Hyde likes this.
  20. Jag Hyde

    Jag Hyde Fapstronaut

    I have ADHD and take Adderall to help with dopamine intake, or whatever. I’m starting to see another pattern for me. I look for anything that will give me a dopamine boost, I’m constantly looking for the next dose. I’ve realized that I become obsessed. Sometimes it’s a video game, or exercise, or reading about these things. Even this website gives me a shot every now and then. I have to figure out how to replace this constant desire for dopamine boosts in order to overcome. PMO is just one piece. Just like a junkie, I chase the dopamine hits.
     

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