Day 30+ P-mode I'm going to stop observing poetry. Poetry has been about a decade-long hobby. It first started back in high school where I was introduced to poetry. I wrote poems to someone from high school via email for about 5 years, but that person never replied to my poems. I thought my romance poetry was tainted by porn, so I stopped watching porn for the sake of writing better poetry. My romance poetry was personal, very sensual, and sometimes implied sexual situations. At some point, I wanted to better control my sexual behavior towards women, so I stopped writing and reading romance poetry. However I still liked poetry as a hobby, even if I didn't like observing romance poetry anymore. So for more than a year, I continued to observe nonromantic poetry. Recently, I wanted to stop poetry as a hobby because it's very difficult to find nonromantic or nonsexual poetry online. The internet can be a lot more sexual than the real world. Maybe if I pursue poetry offline, I may come across less sexual poetry. But I did try organizing an offline poetry group in the past and it wasn't so successful. There seems to be at least 3 issues with poetry as a hobby. Where I live, I think poetry is associated with romance. Nonromantic poems are usually not popular. Another issue is that poetry tends to be abstract, indirect, or subliminal. A poet can hide sexual or romantic messages inside a poem that doesn't initially seem sexual. Such concealment is similar to an artist who paints an image that doesn't look sexual or romantic unless you look at the painting at a certain angle or in a certain way. I really need to trust a poet before reading his or her poetry. A hobby is a lot less fun when it involves somewhat intense screening or investigations of people. The third issue with poetry is that it can stray very far from the truth. Any hobby that strays from the truth isn't necessarily a bad hobby. But I struggle with porn and sext addiction. I can benefit a lot from hobbies that focus more on truths like communicating with family, promoting Christianity, birdwatching, conducting science experiements, or journaling. A hobby that pushes me away from reality is like escapism, and I've read that's not too healthy for a recovering addict.
Day 40 p-mode I was helping dad repair his refrigerator when the news on his television was talking about a cold case. Spoiler: rape discussion A man was wrongly convicted of the rape and murder of a woman and was to be killed with the electric chair. He was in jail for 30 years. Then new evidence showed that he hadn't done the crime. I am very thankful that I've never been wrongly convicted of a sex crime. Maybe the man had some prior criminal record that worked against him. Or maybe the true two suspects framed him by putting the crime weapons in the innocent man's truck. It's hard and sad to believe that an innocent man would be wrongly convicted of such a crime and nearly killed for it. I thank the Lord that such a situation has never happened to me. False witness and wrongful convictions are also in the bible and have been used to kill innocent people in it. Honestly, rape is one of the stupidest crimes. Sexually transmitted infections are already an issue with sex. Rape honestly worsens the risk of STIs. Some people withhold consent because they have STIs! And rape is a lot less predictable than sex. Rape might involve more injuries, cuts, and bruises that are all avenues for an infection. A man can kill someone from a distance and can greatly reduce his chance of bloodbourne infection. Murder doesn't have to be too physical. Heck, a man can just push another man off a cliff or tie him to a tree in a forest for wolves. But rape, from my understanding, requires being very physical. Rape usually requires restriction and penetration. Both of these requirements usually involve a lot of contact. Rape is a truly vain crime: it requires a lot of work only to very likely contract an infection from the victim. And if the goal of a rapist is to have sex, well an STI can make sex painful. So a rape can ruin a man's chances of ever having sex again. Remember condoms can break and don't always cover all infected skin. These are the natural dangers of rape. Any rapist who seeks to harm women are honestly risking their own health. And in cases like HIV, a rapist can be risking his own life. There are instances where some people seem to normalize or promote rape. My own brother would make jokes that mentioned rape. Instead of saying that any man got assaulted in a fight, my brother would jokingly say that he "got raped." I distance myself from my brother because of his jokes about rape. Some people use the word "rape" when communicating in video game communities. Even when remembering porn in my teenhood, I could recall situations of cartoon rape scenes. Even some porn that involved real women depicted rape. I remember watching a video of an unconscious woman in a sex scene. As an adult, I now know that having sex with an unconscious women is rape. There may be men who promote rape, which is sad. There may even be some groups and societies that might find value in rape. Luckily I am a Christian who understands the idiocy and self-destruction of rape. I can not have sex with anyone other than my wife. And I must get permission before marrying a woman, maybe even from her father. Would I go through all the trials of preparing a marriage, only to rape my new wife? Won't she leave me, if I rape her? Would I ever see any child that resulted from the rape? Would her father or family not avenge her for the rape? For some Christians, divorce is shameful and remarriage after divorce is adultery. If I rape my wife, surely I could never have sex again. Only a fool would continually rape his own wife, destroying one of his only chances of beginning a healthy family.
Day 43 p-mode I nearly sexted today. I was flirting with a woman online and she shared her phone number. Then I texted her by phone but started feeling guilty and horrible for flirting. I've been reading about instances of infidelity. I've been reading accounts of betrayed husbands, so I've been reading about women who cheat on their husbands. Such reports introduce a sexual side of women that I've never really witnessed firsthand. Such sexual side seems to excite me at first, which is unfortunate because I thought the infidelity reports would make me feel less excited about sex. But honestly, in the long run, I think the infidelity reports are lowering my sexuality. I felt disgusted when flirting today. I felt horrible like if I were flirting with another man's wife. She said that my flirting wasn't weird or disrespectful, but I've read the infidelity reports where cheating wives are good liars and quick to shift blame to the male accomplice. I stopped flirting and started communicating like a friend. As I read more and more infidelity reports, I think I will feel more and more disgusted with my flirting, especially since I flirt with random online mothers who could likely be married. I'm proud that I'm getting better at controlling my sexuality and communicating appropriately. She shared her phone number and kept saying that my flirting wasn't weird or disrespectful, but I felt horrible for flirting. I think a lot of men (and even a younger me) would've sexted her, solicited her photos, or even send an inappropriate photo. My moral compass keeps getting stronger and stronger, as I keep educating myself.
Day 44 p-mode I've been almost resetting, these past few days. I will note that I have not been reading about the dangers of sex as much as before because I don't like using my hot laptop during the summer. I usually read a lot about the dangers of sex on my laptop. Reading about the dangers of sex, like sexually transmitted infections, has helped me more accurately ascertain my value of sex. When I was younger, I thought sex was the most amazing thing in the world despite my virginity. Nowadays, I am still a virgin but realize that sex is not as great as I once believed. Ascertaining my value of sex has helped my sex addiction recovery. Throughout my daily life, I go through many social environments that promote sex. I live in a city where men sometimes shout sexual comments about women, especially during the summer. Women wear less clothing during the summer too. And they don't wear modest or plain summer clothes. Perhaps there's a certain fashion being promoted in my city. My atheist dad is sexual and promotes lust. A lot of my family also seems to promote sex or lust. In fact, I am one of the few Christians within my family. Because my daily life might involve going through a lot of sexual promotion, I may need to realize that my observation of sexual dangers should be on a daily basis. Hypothetically if people were daily pressuring me to have sex, then a suitable counter would be to daily study or observe the dangers of sex. I don't like the idea of getting excited about something that naturally involves infections. Maybe such excitement is needed for copulation, but then I should get excited about sex for copulation and not sex without copulation. I should not get excited from the thought of having sex with a woman. I should get excited about the thought of having sex with a woman for raising a family with her. The latter sexuality seems more healthy and logical for me. The benefit of an offspring can sometimes outweight the risk of an STI. I have 8.5 daily offline hours because I find that my sexuality increases when online. I should try dedicating up to 3.5 daily offline hours to observations of sexual dangers. I could start with fewer hours, but measuring my sexuality is not easy. Comparing the effects of 1.5 daily observation hours to the effects of 3.5 daily observation hours is not easy. I should just try for the greater number of hours. Observing sexual dangers could be as easy as listening to my sex health notes via headphones while delivering fast food.
I suppose sex with only one wife (and preferably one who hasn't committed fornication) is a healthier sexuality for me than a sexual desire for random women too. Monogamy can reduce the chance of infection, though adultery can still occur. It's not perfect but it's practical.
When one considers all of the fantastic things humans are capable of, it is laughable how much time we waste thinking about sex and entertainment. We could be composing beautiful music, creating beautiful objects, discovering the vastness of the universe and the most minuscule elements of its building blocks but instead we waste hours and hours thinking about how to have more exciting intercourse. Men and women make pagan gods of human body parts and then we set about salivating over them and worshipping them. We worship God's creations but we don't worship their creator. What strange beings we are! It is also incredible to consider we have been given a book, inspired by God, which provides great detail on how we are to live in order to find happiness but yet we don't heed what it says. It is incredible that each generation goes through a period of rebelling against the teachings of their forefathers, as if we have found a methodology for living that is profoundly better than any man has ever conceived before. Such arrogance. Such folly. Sex before marriage is a sin. Sex with multiple partners is a sin. Happiness on earth is found through thinking more about helping others than ourselves. These things are detailed in the Bible and they are as valid today as the day they were written. Questioning to understand God's nature is a means to build faith but ignoring His ways in hopes of discovering a new, and never before discovered, road to happiness is pure folly.
Day 46 p-mode Some men and I on NoFap seem to struggle a bit with women wearing less clothes, especially during hot seasons. Sone men say that women have the right to wear whatever they want. Some women complain about being told what to wear. In my religion, looking at other's nakedness can be inappropriate or a sin. And I believe that some women wear clothes in a fashion that tends to mimick nudity like tight jeans and such. Not all women wear clothes in such fashion. Some women, even old women, wear modest and plain clothes. There are also government laws restricting the things that people can publicly show, including certain private body parts. I do not believe that women can wear whatever they want unless men can equally wear whatever they want. Some men also wear less clothing during the summer too. If a man complains about a woman's lack of clothing, he should consider that some men wear short shorts and absolutely no shirt outside. I don't have an issue much with what women wear as much as I have an issue with a society's or group's influence on clothing and fashion. For example, my dad shames me for what I wear. He wants me to wear certain clothes and says that he hopes I attract a woman. Basically, he wants me to wear certain clothes in hopes of attracting women despite my disinterest in attracting women. If I'm being told what to wear, then maybe women are likewise being encouraged to wear certain clothings to attract men too? Also, local men shout sexual comments about local women. I can very easily ignore a half-naked woman, but ignoring becomes harder when random passersby are shouting unnessary sexual comments about her. I don't need to hear such disgusting stuff. So again, I can't really be mad or antagonistic towards all local half-naked women if some societies or groups are promoting certain fashions and sexuality. I'm not saying all women are innocent here because there could be mothers and other powerful women discouraging, teasing, and shaming weaker or poorer women who wear plain and modest summer clothes. But the issue seems more like a societal issue rather than a gender issue.
Day 47 p-mode I don't think that I'm going to learn French anymore. There are a few reasons why leaning French doesn't seem as promising as before. I had hoped to learn French so that I can communicate with French speakers and learn more about the dangers of sex addiction. But I can't seem to find many French websites about personal accounts of sexual dangers. People don't seem to share that information online. Even on English websites, people don't really seem to talk much about their own sexually transmitted infections. And I had to search a lot just to find three or four websites that had personal accounts discussing STIs. To this day, I only know four or five English online forums where people talk about their STIs. The internet also seems to mostly be very criminal, decieving, and sexual. If I learn French, I would usually only be using it for French websites or hobbies limited to the internet. I doubt my French would have any offline use. Money is getting more difficult to acquire. In about two months, I will need to be more time-efficient. Learning French doesn't seem like a promising hobby or use of my time.
I ate some pizza today: 6 slices. When I eat a lot, I tend to have urges. Sure enough, I soon found myself trying to flirt with and potentially sext online women. My mind tends to focus on an image of any recent local woman. But I don't look at women much, so I can't really remember any image. So today when struggling wih the urge, I could only think of the image of my sister unfortunately. She wanted me to visit her one time and she was showing a lot of skin. I doubt it was intentional but it was not comfortable for me. Afterwards, I told her that she should visit me instead (because then she might wear more clothing.) At one point today, I thought to myself, "If I am having sexual thoughts about my sister, then maybe I should just look at porn instead. I'd rather get pleasure from looking at a prostitute instead of thinking of my sister." But I did not. Back when I viewed porn, it would promote incest. Porn would've made my situtation worse. And porn was an addiction for me. Once I looked at it, I would relapse (not simply reset) and have to try very hard to quit porn again. Eventually I did get pleasure from thinking of my own sister and I'm not proud of it. I am happy that things did not go worse today, like flirting with my sister or looking at porn. I am not too worried about the image of sister in my head: I had such an image before, some year ago, and it eventually went away. My mind doesn't hold onto such vain things anymore. In my past, my mind would have nearly precise images of porn. I could literally playback a porn video in my head. But those pornographic memories are fading away, especially after realizing its STIs and prostitution.
It is not an easy discipline to acquire and I am still working on it but "Capture every thought for Christ" as per 2 Corinthians 10:5, is an excellent ethic to strive for. I googled this verse this morning and was led to a website entitled: "6 Ways to Take Your Thoughts Captive as 2 Corinthians 10:5" Looks like some useful advice for us all.
Day 50 p-mode I flirted online today and got blocked. I'm not upset. Earlier, I ate a lot of pizza and had to endure hour-long train rides with half-naked women. My online flirting was expected. I am thankful to the Lord that today wasn't too bad. I got blocked but at least I didn't waste more than 3 hours trying to flirt, sext, or look at porn. At least I didn't pay money to see woman on camera or for sex. I can't imagine having an addiction that could ruin my finances. I am not happy that I flirted and got blocked, but I understand that today could've been worse. I've come a long way since my early perverted years. And as I continue learning, my sex addiction will continue to diminish. I can see myself not flirting online by next year. I need to maintain my faith, be patient, and keep learning.
If an image of a woman sticks in my mind and begins to torture me, I ask myself what do I gain from dwelling on it? The answer is clear, I gain nothing and I risk everything. There is no satisfaction to be had from walking on a razor thin edge of thinking about lustful images but there is a real risk that we may choose to sin and one sin often leads to another and so on. Your flirting, online or otherwise, will not lead to good things. The notion of tapering off over a year is likely to have the opposite result than your goal.
Day 51 p-mode I'm also not too mad about my flirting and being blocked yesterday because, on that day, I visited my cousin who my dad thinks is a prostitute. I never visited her before. Her home is NOT for any child. There were posters and artworks with expletives and sexual swear words. She also showed me photos of her friends on her refrigerator, one of which was a photo of a completely naked woman. I also had to endure some uncomfortable music during the visit. I've never met anyone who had such a vulgar or sexual dwelling, so i wouldn't be surprised if my dad was right about her prostitution. All that sexual exposure isn't healthy for me, so I will only visit her once a month. Prostitution is illegal in my State.
@WilliamJ.F. Just a reminder: The problem is not other people and how they behave. The problem is in your own heart. We do not control other people; we only control our own thoughts and actions. Sin is never the "expected" outcome of exposure to the world. It is always a choice we make, opting for sin and self instead of God's good provision. You have a very critical eye for the world and a very lenient regard for yourself. I think you will find more peace within -- and better results in recovery -- if you reverse this.
I was watching some youtube video and heard that some men at some country would pay more to have sex with a girl who os a virgin. I can see why some people might prefer virgins. In fact, I believe fornication is a sin so virginity is favored in some Christian societies. However, prostitution is shameful. Even outside of religion, some people may favor a virgin because there may be a reduced risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections from one. How can a man confirm virginity though? Some may say that a woman's body changes after nonimpregnating sex. I've had some religious leader share that with me in a hospital. It was a weird talk. However, there are many ways to have sex. I believe anal sex is a form of sex that doesn't change a woman's body. Oral sex also might not change a woman's body. And both of these forms of sex can spread STIs. There doesn't seem to be an accurate way to determine if someone is a virgin or not. Honestly, would anyone truly believe that a prostitute or a paid sex provider is a virgin? Wouldn't it be easier for a young person to pretend to be a virgin, just to get that bonus cash? But virgins are not really worth any more money than nonvirgins. A virgin can be born with an STI. A virgin is not always safer to touch than a nonvirgin. I am a virgin myself but I doubt anyone would believe my virginity. Still, I do like the benefit of never having to worry about STIs from sex. Also, I feel it's quite silly that female virgins seem to be valued more than male virgins. Maybe they aren't though. I honestly don't make note of vain sexual trends nowadays.
I flirted online again today. I flirted with that woman who kept asking for money. Towards the end, she got very demanding for money. It was disgusting. I saw right through her. I texted something like "I know men who waste money on escorts and prostitutes. I am a better man than that. I will never pay money for love." Then she replied "Bye," and that was the end of the chat. I've been reading a lot about women who rob men of money, even using courts to do so. It's disgusting. I was a bit upset that I wasted maybe an hour texting her, but I know that she is probably angrier than me because she didn't get any money from me. Maybe I wasted an hour trying to get some emotion from her, but she wasted an hour trying to get money from me. I probably hurt her livelihood. And at the end of our chat, I made her know that she was not fooling me with her greed. Again, this is why I don't like flirting online. A lot of disturbing and criminal women are online I'm also not too upset that I wasted time with her because I ate chinese food. Whenever I eat fast food, especially excess calories, I tend to flirt online a lot. The time loss was expected. As I educate myself more, I will learn to not waste my time with online women.
