Covert
Fapstronaut
Today is my one year anniversary of being PMO free. I am 43 years old and have been addicted since I was a teenager. I had tried many times to get better but always found it too difficult to quit. I never understood why I failed despite trying so many different things. My wife knew I was watching porn but didn't know how bad it was because I shut her out. I had been shutting her out our entire 17 year marriage. A year ago my wife had had enough and threatened to move out and take our children and tell others why if I didn't change. That was my rock-bottom moment. That was also the night I quit cold-turkey.
I promised to change but the promises of an addict are worthless. I didn't know how I was going to do it but I was determined to do better. I had the goal of being a better person, husband, and father. I had seen a therapist about my problem years ago and started using some of those exercises again. I restarted a personal paper journal and pour out all my negative thoughts and feelings. I wrote about how disgusted I felt about myself and that I was finally going to take responsibility for my life and not be so out of control.
I had to finally tell the whole truth to my wife. It was not easy to break down the walls of secrecy I had built around myself. For the second time in my adult life I broke down and cried. She made an interesting observation that my asperger-like symptoms may have made my situation worse. It is much easier to deal with inanimate pictures than real life people. I never regretted telling my wife the truth. We talked a lot and we fought a lot. I discovered just how much I had hurt her over the years. I had to show that I was making changes before she was willing to pitch in and support me. I could have no greater cheerleader, counselor, or complement to help me get this far. Someday I hope to be able to repay her for all the patience and perseverance she showed me before I finally woke up from my porn coma.
On Day 4 of my reboot I started to research this problem. For the first time I discovered that his is not just a bad habit, but an ADDICTION. That single truth put my whole life and why I failed so often into perspective. I also understood that I had been medicating myself with porn for decades.
My detox period felt like going though hell. I was angry, irritable, an seething with raw emotions. I had no practical coping skills. I was angry at myself the most for allowing myself to get into this situation. I finally understood that it was going to take a lot of work to take accountability for my actions. For weeks I went through an emotional roller-coaster - highs and lows, normal to anger to depression, varying levels of worthlessness, questioning whether it was possible to succeed. I needed a few small successes to build on. Some people feel improvements in the first few days. I was miserable every day for months. I feared that I would never be able to be happy again. I was scared that I was too broken to ever get better.
I discovered that the biggest enemy wasn't porn. It was myself - the addict version of myself. Addiction is a monster that will do anything to get what it wants. Sometimes it uses brute strength, sometimes it is subtle and deceptive. My addiction knew me better than I knew myself. It is an opponent that knows all of my strengths and weaknesses and knows just what to say to get past my defenses. The physical cravings are nothing compared to the mind games you play with yourself and last much, much longer. I had to get to know myself so that I could fight back more effectively. I had to continually analyze every thought, feeling, and motivation for everything I was doing. It was exhausting and tiring, but vigilance was necessary because it only takes one second of weakness to relapse.
I managed to get though my detox period but still felt depressed and empty. It was a phase I wasn't prepared for and people didn't write much about it. I was starting to feel worried that I was never going to feel normal again. But another Fapstonaut explained to me what I was going through, that it was normal, and to keep going. Only another addict could have empathized. I started to have faith that the path I was traveling would eventually lead me to a better place. Time was needed for my brain to heal.
I passed my 30 day anniversary, 60 day anniversary, and 180 day anniversary. Slowly the things I was trying were starting to be a part of me. I no longer felt like an actor pretending to be a normal human being. My wife was slowly starting to trust me again and our relationship was improving. I became an accountability partner to a few people and helped a few couples in the beginning stages of their recovery. I started to feel that I had something valuable to share. I no longer felt worthless and empty.
So here I am on Day 365. Am I cured? Not by a long shot. Every day is still a struggle. I was an addict, and now I am merely an addict in recovery. I will always be an addict in recovery. I will always have to keep my guard up. My brain will not allow me to forget how porn made me feel. Every time I get stressed or anxious I get urges. The monster is in it's cage but I feel his arms reaching through the bars trying to get my attention.
Here's what I'd like to pass on to others. (I don't have the time or space to thoroughly explain each point but I'll answer any questions).
1. Identify ALL your physical, emotional, and environmental triggers.
2. Write down a detailed abstinence recovery plan.
3. Journal.
4. Do not fight this alone, get others involved - a therapist, wife, girlfriend, accountability partner, parents, etc.
5. Don't trust yourself to be alone with your electronic devices during your detox.
6. Recognize when you are vulnerable and take drastic action to avoid a relapse.
7. Stay out of 'the trance' or 'auto-pilot mode' at all costs.
8. Challenge every excuse or justification to return to PMO.
9. Educate yourself. Know yourself. Apply what you learn to yourself.
10. Be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for a better life.
11. Be patient. It takes a long time to see progress. It takes time to reclaim your humanity.
12. Be kind to yourself but do not tolerate failure. It is NOT impossible to quit.
13. PMO leaves a huge void in you so find ways to substitute as much as possible such as a hobby or new interest.
14. Keep using NoFap as an affirmation to stay clean. Pay what you learn forward.
15. Be humble enough to seek professional help if you need it. It is not a weakness to ask for help.
16. Reach out to others. The emotional satisfaction we get from others nourishes the soul and makes porn less appealing.
17. Repair whatever damage you caused to others around you.
18. Forgive yourself for the person you once were. Start living a new and improved life. You are now a person who is worthy of love.
19. Our problem is an emotional problem. Find an anthem song that makes you feel better.
20. It is okay to admit how much you loved how porn made you feel. Accept that nothing will make you feel the same way. And be content with living a calm, balanced life. It will make you feel happier.
Here are my final thoughts. Addictions are a nasty thing. Our addiction is much tougher than others. It takes one second to feed our addition and throw away all the progress we made. Addiction invades every corner of our brain and corrupts it. It is not easy to break free from it. You have to look inside your heart and find a determination to fight back that is greater than the addiction itself. It boils down to this - JUST DO IT. It's easy to say, but it's hard to do. But it encompasses everything an addict in recovery must do to stay clean. I hope all of you can join me and share with us your one year anniversary story.
Congratulation and thank you very much for your Insight
