Craving humiliation right now (trigger warning)

I am really craving deep humiliation right now, especially

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

Small penis humiliation, PE and cuckold. But also rejection from women - wanting to be an incel, having hot girls put me in the friend zone, female friends who will tease me about my small penis, PE and total lack of sex life . . . women who will call me "sweetie" while they find me to be amusing and endearing.

Beyond looking on the internet for images which will feed into this complex of related fetishes, I find myself racking my brain for how I could experience this in real life, for example,

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

what if I "let it slip" to one of my coworkers that I have a small penis . . . one who I know would turn around and tell half a dozen other girls in no time at all.

This is ridiculous. It really is. I have a wonderful girlfriend who really loves me and I'm very happy with her. I'm not even in the market to be rejected. Also, other than the reality that yes, I do have a somewhat smaller penis at 4 1/2 inches, I am getting older and am a little bit out of shape at the moment (COVID hasn't helped), I'm actually a tall good looking guy with a great sense of humour, a decent job and a pretty capable human being.

I think it's that last point (capable human being) that's coming into play. I have been under a lot of stress lately. Responsibilities are overwhelming right now. I feel like I am in over my head with regular life stuff. It's escapism, just like most addictions, and self-destruction. I just need to "man up" and get through these challenges. When I come out the other side of this, the craving for deep humiliation will go away. But I need to face the challenges to get through.

Hopefully this insight helps, especially for others with similar inclinations. It helps me to confess that I am slipping with porn and fantasy (but somehow not with M or even touching) and to see what is really the driving force behind the cravings.

 

Eek, no!

Okay, well, I could and have talked to her about how I am feeling overwhelmed. Occasionally the idea comes to mind that I could tell her of some of these fetishes . . . perhaps she might role-play them with me . . . but so far, for over a year now, I have not. Once that cat is out of the bag, I can't put it back in and the fear is that I won't be able to heal from this if I feed into it. Or, it could have a negative effect on our relationship.

She often tells me that I have a very large penis, which messes with my head since I know that it is small (maybe not tiny, but small), but even speaking up about that is tricky because I don't know what would happen if she saw my reaction (i.e. arousal) is we started talking about it being small.

I did tell her when I first met her about my struggle with sex addiction as well as having had feelings of inadequacy and that I had struggled with cuckold fantasies. My head still "goes there" when she talks about other guys sometimes and I wonder if I had set myself up to be a cuckold . . . but that's fantasy kicking in and I usually "snap out of it" and realise that she loves me and has no such intentions.

I know, I know . . .
I have struggled with this temptation on and off for years and it's terrifying that I could let it slip with just a few words. She frequently and openly talks about her sex life and the sex life of others at work (including cheating) and once was really excited to tell everyone how big her friend's penis was . . . not that it was super big, she was just excited to know. (His wife had dumped him for another man and he had asked this co-worker of mine if maybe his penis was too small. It wasn't. But, man, she just thought it was so cool that she knew how big his penis was and felt the need to tell everyone).

This is true.
Or, at least it becomes less frequent.
Despite several years of trying to recover from this, it does still flare up during hard times, but I can speak from experience that most of the time these are lingering thoughts in the back of my mind, not strong enough to consume me. I used to crave humiliation on a daily basis and spent hours each day looking at porn. Now it's more of an occasional slip, though it can still be pretty intense when it gets a hold of me.

 

Great reply @Batty Belfry
Life is really challenging but you are focusing on how you can help others (the students).
When we turn our attention to those that we can help, we stop focusing on our problems and stop giving them energy. If I can get busy thinking of others, then maybe this flare up of cravings will simply go away on it's own . . . "our problems die from neglect" rather than growing by feeding into them.

 

Great news!!
I made love with my gf and it could hardly have been better. Somehow the stars aligned and it felt like making love in the "honeymoon" period of our relationship. It just hasn't felt like that in months. In short, it felt like I really, really wanted it and just making out was a real turn on.

It's hard to explain how reassuring it is to feel that way. I worry sometimes that my fantasies and cravings will be the beginning of the end . . . but maybe my recent near slips added fuel to the fire in a good way, one that expressed itself in our love-making?

The other thing is that

Spoiler: Trigger Warning, description of a sexual encounter.

I really wanted to give her oral, and I did. I spent a long time focusing on her nether region, giving her pleasure with my mouth and hands.
Then, we engaged in PIV for a short while before she had an orgasm, which was then followed by what I can best describe as karezza or non-orgasmic sex - slow intercourse, focusing on the sensations, and wanting to give pleasure (as opposed to getting off), looking into each other's eyes, never speeding up to try to bring one or the other to orgasm, simply enjoying that for awhile before calling it good and then, cuddling.

I often wonder, how much are my fetishes driven by true desires, or what I really want in life. What happened yesterday was just perfect in my book. And . . . it does have elements which could coincide with some of my fantasies. My humiliation fantasies include being shamed for masturbating, giving oral without receiving, and ensuring that my partner has lots of sexual pleasure without me being allowed to orgasm. My Nofap goals of not masturbating, focusing more on my partners pleasure and refraining from orgasm are not much different.

That said, while I felt amazing and totally free of cravings after that, life goes on. This week is really stressful and the awful misfortune of last week is still playing out today - I feel like I'm caught in a bureaucratic kafka-esque nightmare with no end in site - and I can already feel the cravings for escape and humiliation creeping back in.