Finally Moving Forward ~Rachie's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Rachie, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Background: WS and I have been married for almost six years. We have two kids. WS has been watching porn in some capacity since he was a tiny kid. He's tried to stop a billion times.

    We've been going to couples therapy since a super horrible triggery event happened in his life. After everything blew up in his face, he told me everything he'd been hiding. (I thought) He was still trying to hide the P use because it was his security blanket. The one thing he knew he could turn to when he was sad, bored, tired, lonely, depressed, angry...on and on ect.

    Eventually, when confronted with all the evidence, he finally told the truth. He says he's quitting for good this time. I want to believe him so bad.

    My self-esteem is nonexistent. Last night, in therapy, he told me that he loves how I look, that he doesn't want fake. How on earth am I supposed to believe anything he says? I'm 27 and have had two babies. I look nothing like his favorite search categories!

    He's doing good. He's calling me when he gets tempted, we did a boundaries list. We have a bunch of safe-guards in place. I'm just scared to death. What happens when he relapses? How can I handle another disappointment?

    Today has sucked. Baby V is teething and cranky, three year old Deeds is allergic to our Christmas tree and sneezing all over the place, and I'm not looking forward to going to WS's work Christmas party tonight. He hasn't had to face very many P-sub temptations since starting no PMO and I'm freaking out.

    This post is all over the place, but there it is. If freaking out was a sport, badges and medals EVERYWHERE!!!
     
  2. Awe..completely understand where you’re coming from! As do so many others here...unfortunately. Hang in there. It sounds like you both have a lot of good practices in place. That’s a huge positive. We don’t even have all of that technically in place yet. Just make sure to take care of yourself and build yourself up. Just because they look at certain things doesn’t mean they want that irl. Promise!

    Hugs to you and you’ve come to the right place for support!!
     
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  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hey!
    You have a journal I can follow now too!
    And it sounds good... So far so good.
    It's a slow crawl forward in the beginning.
    It is.
    Temptation of P-Subs and ogling and your own triggers...
    I hope you have read the time I completely freaked out over chicken nuggets ;)
    It's going to be rough.
    It's ok.
    *Hugs
    Just breathe
    I know it sounds ridiculous but right now you are exactly where you need to be in terms of doing the best you can.
    I wouldnt recommend anything else.
    Truly try to look tonight however makes You feel pretty...
    Don't worry about what he thinks... His brain is super screwed up right now... OK?
    Focus on you and some self care.
    Focus on your kids a little bit.
    Have a treat if you want to.
    And if you need anything, message me or catch me know Exodus, alright?
    We have all been there before.
    Good luck
     
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  4. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I can relate to your post, especially about what was searched and it being nothing like me. For my husband he searched the fakest people to further put himself into a fantasy place so he had nothing real in the experience which meant he could escape further. I know it's tough when you see what they looked at and it's not what you look like... But remember this addiction is about them, and is not a reflection of you. It takes a long time to really be able to get that, but it's true.

    The first 3 months are honestly unbearable, the next three months get better, and once you hit 8 months to a year post Dday things seem more normal. I am 1.5 years into this. It can be tough, but it looks like he is reaching out when he needs, and it's great you have a boundaries list!

    Hope tonight goes well for you at your husbands christmas party! If you're nervous maybe talk to him about a game plan in case triggers come up or something? I know that for me the holidays are somewhat triggering and we came up with plans in case certain topics come up, or if certain family members are around, etc. Communication is key!
     
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  5. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the support, it's so nice to know there are others out there who are going through the same stuff as I am.
     
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  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'd say the same for 3 months and 6
    8 was... Everyday was difficult and different.
    And 10month mark was my enlightening point.
    Honestly
    He was honest then and that was the game changer
     
  7. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Yay for journaling! I'm trying to breathe though I'm way better at hyperventilating. Social anxiety is the best! * sarcasm
     
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  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It's ok


    We are here for you! :)
     
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  9. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I feel sick right now. A little more background: when WS and I first got married, I was little and cute and perky. Then a bunch of really bad stuff happened, his porn use included, I had two kids back to back, and I kinda sat on the couch in my underwear and ate cheesecake for two years.

    Last year I started losing weight, the healthy way this time, and have lost everything I gained and a little more. I feel like I was starting to get some of my confidence back and was feeling better and then everything blew up in my face.

    So, tonight, we're getting ready for the party, and I come downstairs and say, (kinda flirty) "hey, can you see my bra through this shirt?" he squints and says, "Nah, you'd really have to be looking so see that. Don't worry, nobody is going to be looking that hard." Then he just walked away.

    Maybe he was just trying to be helpful, maybe it's not that big of a deal. I just feel devastated. I think he still sees that chubby girl sitting on the couch with pie and a box of tissues. I get looked at now when we're out and about, which never used to happen. I just want him to see me!

    How can he tell me last night that he thinks I'm super hot and he's never wanted me more than now and turn around and just crush me? Is it just me? Am I being oversensitive? This party is going to be fan-freaking-tastic!!
     
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It took over a year into reboot before I believed my SO.
    Seriously.
    Do you know what happened?
    I was changing and he stopped folding his laundry on the other side of the bed and was looking at me... And I was like "what?"All snappy
    And he said "your naked"
    I was like "huh? So?" still pissy.
    And he was like - "your naked!"
    And I just put my shirt on and looked at him, he said "you were naked, it was so hot!"
    I was like "I just changed my clothes you idiot, u have seen me do it twice a day for almost a decade"
    And he simply said "you were naked!"
    Like that was his whole vocabulary.
     
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    The point is... He's in a fog.
    Be you for you.
    You are beautiful.
    He is still in porn reel brain atm.
    He will catch up and see all your radiace... But he needs to continue rebooting
     
  12. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I totally understand why you're hurt by that comment. Maybe discuss with him and ask, "Hey did you mean that in an offensive way, or were you trying to help? I was trying to be flirty, but maybe it didn't come off that way."

    Trust me, my husband and I practice communication constantly. We still have days where we are miscommunicating hard and what helps is stopping and expressing the deeper feelings.

    If my husband said that to me, I would reply "That comment hurt, I am not sure if you meant it like that, but it did. I took it as if you were saying my boobs aren't good enough/noticable/ etc. and that didn't feel too good. I was trying to be flirty and it seemed you just were so serious and didn't understand I was trying to be flirty. Can we talk about this?"

    I know that might be very hard now in this stage, but working on communication throughout the healing process is beneficial.
     
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  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I know lots of people who think FANOS work and do I also recommend trying it, even though it doesn't work for me and Rock Star
     
  14. self healing

    self healing Fapstronaut

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    I liked what Anonymous Anna said; the addiction is about him not you. However, it is the rare person who is 100% confident about their looks. It's natural to want to be desired by your significant other. It's devastating to me that my husband can have an erection for fake women, but not for me. I know rationally that he has conditioned his brain to be turned on by pixels, but it still hurts. (He's about 6 weeks into his reboot, and still flatlining.) Competing with women who have professional makeup, lighting, camera angles, plastic surgery and digitally altered is nearly impossible. Where we CAN compete is on smell, touch, and taste. Your husband's primal brain is wired for that. By the way, I've always been thin, with a current BMI of just under 22. What was my husband's porn preference? Chubby gals! They'll frequently go for the "other", i.e. what they're not getting at home.
     
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2017
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  15. self healing

    self healing Fapstronaut

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    Also, a word on couples therapy. I think it's great that the two of you are doing it. I hope that he is also using tools such as cognitive and behavioral techniques that I've seen some of the committed guys here use as well as suggestions on Your Brain on Porn website. Internet porn addiction is a relatively new phenomenon. It is the rare therapist that knows how to treat it. Unfortunately, the jury is still out in the mental health community if porn addiction is a real thing (no, I'm not kidding, I just heard this on public radio a couple of weeks ago). All too often, therapists will look at an issue through the prism of their own specialty. So if the only way your husband is tackling his addiction is through couples approach, it's unlikely it's enough. If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem is a nail.
     
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  16. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Our therapist is also trained in addiction therapy who happens to believe PA is a very real addiction, thank goodness.
     
  17. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    So the party went pretty good. No triggering for either of us. Unfortunately, on the way there, I asked him a question that I didn't want the answer to. Then I figured that since we were there anyway, I might as well ask him everything I had suspected but was too afraid to ask before.

    The P use was so bad. I knew he was watching it so much more than he ever had but the lying, covering up, and crazy extremes he used to try to make sure I never found out, was waaaay worse than I ever dreamed.

    It hurt so bad to hear all of it. It was like once he started, he couldn't stop. I could see and hear the relief in his voice to get it all out but it was ripping my heart out. I know this isn't the last time this is going to happen either. He is the undisputed king of trickle-truth.

    Last night I dreamed I would turn a corner and find him jacking off. I would stumble back, fall for a long time, and then it'd start all over again.

    Today he was super attentive and sweet. We didn't fight the whole day. This is the first good Saturday we've had in several years. Before stopping PMO, he would try not to watch P on Saturday so he wouldn't get caught, but then he'd be moody and hateful and start arguments.

    This evening we went to the store and I could tell he was trying really hard not to ogle the yoga pants. It's painful to see how hard it is for him to keep his eyes in his head. I know it'll get easier...eventually
     
  18. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    These last two days have been hell. He's been telling me everything and it's horrible. I don't even know him. Who in hell did I marry? I feel sick.

    He keeps telling me that he's not that person anymore. He's changed. It's been two weeks! Nobody changes that fast. I want to throw up. I'm seriously going to throw up.
     
  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Ginger ale helps.
    No joke.
    Get a 2 liter and don't let the house run out.
    It's placebo but it works if you let it.
    The bubbles are super calming and no caffeine means no extra jitters.
     
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  20. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Because here's the thing... You should get through the complete disclosure so you know he's not lying anymore.
    Or else, you will absolutely never be able to trust again.
    And that doubt will never go away.
    So even if it's painful, if he wants to talk and give details... As much as it sucks, you should try to get through it... Cuz chances are, if you reject the disclosure and want to ask later, he may not want to talk later
    And you might end up with more work for reboot and relationship.
    As a very wise woman once said recently... "Sometimes it's us girls who have to do a little more work to get us going, even though it sucks"
     

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