Finally Moving Forward ~Rachie's Journal

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Rachie, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. self healing

    self healing Fapstronaut

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    I am so sorry for your pain. You seem to be so hard on yourself, something that I relate to. It takes two people to make a marriage, but only one to break it up. Remember to have for yourself the same compassion you would have for a friend in the same position.
     
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  2. Blu by U

    Blu by U Fapstronaut

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    This is my very first post on here. My heart just is further crushed for all of you.(I did not even think that was humanly possible after my discovering ) Nov 27,2017 will be the day I never forget, that's when I sat at my husbands desk and moved the mouse to his computer and the screen was full of P pictures. I think I died a little that day . Every day since then has been a myriad accumulation of every day, thought and feeling that I have read on here. I have no idea how this will end I do know that there have not been invented yet the words to describe what this is all like, but I have to run. I will post my story later.
    taking it one day at a time for now.
     
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It's extremely difficult and you are extremely strong for being here as long as you have
    You do what you have to do for you.
    Nobody is judging you.
    Some of us can make it as AP and some cant.
    I know my SO keeps a live AP and he has a text AP and now he uses the group.
    So he does accountability all over the place.
    He's grown out of me.
    Lol
    If it's too hard on your heart, there are several options.
    Hugs*
    If you need anything... We are here for you.
    You know... Your APs :)
     
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  4. This is the hard truth of being married to a PA. Do we stay and hope and risk? Or leave and be happy?
     
  5. self healing

    self healing Fapstronaut

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    For what it's worth, in Alcoholics Anonymous, a sponsor, the rough equivalent of an accountability partner, is someone in recovery and the same gender (exceptions can be made for gays). By default, a sponsor would never be a significant other. My husband and I have used the AA model, as we both felt that he needed to own his recovery and I needed some separation. Don't apologize for not wanting to be his accountability partner.
     
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  6. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Haven't been on here in a while. Things are going better. It always makes me nervous when everything seems calm. I'm trying to learn to just enjoy the good times and not worry so much about what's going to happen next.

    I don't have very much to say. Just wanted to be able to look back and see that there were good, peaceful moments in the middle of all this crappy turmoil.

    I also know that March is going to really freaking suck and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for the absolute nightmare it's going to be.
     
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Just keep swimming...
     
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  8. I’m glad things are calm in the storm fornow. Rest in those place when they come bc you know how stressful the rest is. What’s in March?
     
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  9. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    We have to see WS's family in March. He always gets really weird when they're around.

    In the past, WS would increase his P use when we had to see them. I'm sure it's because they stress him out really bad. I'm worried that this is when he'll relapse.
     
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
    It's all you really can do
     
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  11. Ugh..have him put extra precautions in place before their arrival.
     
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  12. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I haven't posted in a while. I'm tired. All the time. I can sleep for eight hours and it does nothing. I can't seem to get enough sleep to make me feel human.

    Things are going ok with us, I guess. WS is trying to get better, I'm trying to help him. Everything just feels flat. I have bursts of emotion, anger, happiness, frustration, joy. Then it just goes back to being flat again.

    The exhaustion is always in the forefront. The house isn't getting cleaned like it should. The kids aren't getting the attention they need. WS isn't getting all the support he needs. I want to care about this stuff.

    When I look around, I see all the things I'm neglecting and I want to care, but I just don't. I'm tired and I don't know how to fix it.

    I've tried more sleep, B12, Iron, multivitamins, so much stuff. I'm starting to think it's not physical and that scares the crap out of me.
     
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  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It's betrayal trauma.
    Welcome to the club...
    You have arrived...
    Snacks are on the left and we hand out hugs over on the right.
    :)
    It sucks
    I know it sucks.
    I'm sorry it hit you and your tired.:(
    Don't worry, this is only a pitstop of life.
    It only seems to go on forever.

    You can always serve ice cream for dinner.
    ;)
     
  14. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I've not read very much on betrayal trauma. WS has told me a little about it. How do I get over it? Is it a thing you can get over?

    I'm so scared of depression. Depression took away two years of my life. I've had bouts of depression that came and went, but there was a two year chunk of time that is just a blur in my mind. I gained 90 pounds and didn't care about anything. I don't ever want that to happen again. Freaking ever.
     
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It takes years.
    But it is just part of healing.
    (It's the shitty part.)
     
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  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  17. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for reminding me. I've been meaning to look at the stuff she's posted and I completely forgot.
     
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  18. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Here, check out my signature with the Resources Thread
     
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  19. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    Thank you!
     
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  20. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. WillSquirrel has been a PA for a very long time. He'd already been a PA since before we met.

    That doesn't keep me from feeling guilty. When we were first married, I would send him emails with pics of lingerie and various things that I wanted to buy. The lingerie was on beautiful models. I was basically sending him P.

    He's told me that I'm the reason he ever looked up a celebrity for P. I showed him a movie and after watching it, he looked up the main character because he thought she was beautiful.

    In our conversations, he admitted that most of the research he did on girls is because I would mention one, say something about someone, or show him a picture, and that would spark his interest.

    He didn't even know what incognito mode was, until I confronted him one day about him possibly using it. He found out where it was, and used it every time from that day forward.

    I'm so mixed up about this. Part of me knows I didn't create a PA, but the other part of me feels like I just helped him right along. I feel so much guilt about this.

    I tried talking to my mom about it yesterday. She told me that I shouldn't feel guilty about his P addiction because it wasn't my fault, what I should feel guilty about is talking to him about girls if I suspected he was a PA, and for creating a smarter PA.

    So basically, she's confirmed my fears. I have a reason to feel guilty. I had a part in all this.
     
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