Finding my voice

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by jrbcoug11, Jan 7, 2018.

  1. jrbcoug11

    jrbcoug11 Fapstronaut

    I thought it was time I started my own journal. My purpose in writing is just to try and make sense of all of this, as well as trying to keep the thoughts from running away with me, which at this present time they have been doing.

    Dday for us was the day after my 38th birthday. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant at the time with our 2nd baby. My husband is in the military and stationed in the East while I am staying with my parents in the West. He was out visiting for my birthday and one night while he was sleeping I got the idea to browse on his phone to see what I could find. I found pictures all over his email of naked women, some celebrities, with computer drawn poop coming out of them. This was a fetish that I knew my husband had (of watching women poop), but not to this extent. I had discovered this fetish when we were dating, and when I made it clear this was something I was not interested in the topic was dropped. I had no idea that this was something he had continued interest in, so much so that he would watch videos of it (who knew that even existed??) and find pictures online. So anyway, when my husband woke up the next morning he knew that I had been on his phone and confessed how horrified he was that I had discovered this infidelity. He went back to the East a day or two later, and when he returned home I asked a million questions. This is when I discovered he had been partaking of this particular fetish for over 20 years, including the entire time we had been together. He had been hiding it from me, and PMOing the entire time we had been involved. I felt sick to my stomach. I could feel the walls closing in on me and feel my whole world being turned on its head. I could not handle the information he had just shared with me. While I appreciated his honesty and transparency this was information I was unable and unprepared to deal with. I could not talk to him, I could not stand the sight of him, I just wanted this person who had lied, cheated and broke my heart to just disappear. This was not the man I had fallen in love with. And worse still, this was the father of my children.

    So, since we have spent so little time physically together, it was easy to keep my distance. I needed him to stay 3500 miles away, because it was the only way I could process everything I was feeling. As it was, I couldn't process any of it. My head was spinning, my heart was shattered, and physically I was trying to keep a baby growing and thriving, all the while trying to figure out what I felt for this man, who was a stranger to me. Our daughter was born on December 17, and since she was our last I wanted him to be here for her birth. I did not know how I would deal with him physically here, but I had to put my own feelings aside, and not rob him of the moment he would meet our daughter. We kept talking the entire month, mostly of me asking a thousand questions trying to understand his addiction, and how he could continue to break my heart, despite knowing what his relapses were doing to me. I tried to focus on the arrival of our daughter, but I was so consumed by betrayal and hurt that I could not. Not only that, I had to listen to him talk about how HE was feeling, how much he was hurting. I felt bad for him that he was having such a hard time dealing with his guilt, shame and his own hurt but I did not ask for this burden. I did not ask him to continue his addiction, and I certainly did not want to be any part of it. I appreciated the fact that he was so transparent with me, but every time he relapsed it was like a punch to the stomach. It knocked the wind out of me every time, and I felt my heart shatter every time. I could never tell him this because it would hurt him too. All I thought during this month apart was, "Who is the real victim here?" I felt more often than not that he was, he certainly played the role, and I felt like my feelings and my hurt were secondary to his. Which only added to my own hurt.

    Fast forward to today. He is moving to the West at the end of the month. I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. On one hand, I think of the man I used to love, how much fun we had together, how he "got" me and how wonderfully comfortable I've always felt with him. Then on the other is this new man... this stranger... this person I recognize, but don't KNOW. I'm supposed to take my children out of the home and family they know, and live with him?? This person I can't trust... this person I will not leave alone with my children... and sleep next to him? I'm scared, I'm terrified. I'm paralyzed with fear and anxiety at the thought of having to do all of this. And yet, how can we make it if I don't?? I've been trying to understand from day 1 how someone can have a fetish like this. Where does it come from? How did it start? Can we even make it go away? Why did he have to lie to me for 6 1/2 years? How do I know if he's being honest now?? How can I ever trust him again? His parents are visiting him right now and he told them all about his PA. They knew. They knew he had this. The 3 of them have been talking all about it, and us. I asked him what was said and he was vague and evasive... It stirred up more feelings of anxiety, fear and distrust than I've felt in a long time. How do I know what his parents are telling him is true? How do I know what he is telling me is true? I am overwhelmed with stress, heartache and fear about this whole situation, and I don't know how to express any of this to him. He had a huge falling out with my parents while he was here... a whole other issue... THAT is adding to my stress. My parents and husband at war, and me stuck in the middle. I need my parents. They are safe, they are trustworthy, they help with me and my children. My husband is not someone I feel safe with right now... how do I move forward?

    I have therapy on Monday, and I will discuss ALL of this with her. I'm drowning. I'm barely able to breath most days, and I have to pull all of this together to care for my children. I have a helpless 3 week old baby whose whole well being is reliant on me, doing my job, focusing on her. My heart is so heavy, and the sleep deprivation is not helping. And my husband doesn't understand. He can't possibly. I don't feel like he understands, not even a little bit.
     
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    My heart goes out to you. Perhaps he would be willing to seek counseling when he gets back.
     
  3. @jrbcoug11: I am so sorry .. all of this hurt and pain is not your fault, you didn't ask for it, but you are left having to deal with it.

    Last night, at dinner with my wife (last dinner before I go back to Europe today), your comment to me was one of the ones I showed my wife to read---I told my wife to skip over the nice things you were saying about me and to focus on the parts in the middle where you were describing how parts of you had died / the excitement for your husband and the marriage were gone / etc. (I believe my wife is dealing with the same stuff)

    I wanted to share with you a few things:
    * first, I assume LR is your husband [EDIT: I removed the full name...I started to wonder if "outing" an SO-to-PA by name is bad form]
    * He and I have been chatting quite a bit the last 5 weeks or so (he has actually encouraged me a couple times in some really low moments the past couple weeks)

    * I don't know what living with him / talking to him looks like day in, day out --- but from what I see, even though everything is completely crazy and chaotic and nobody seems to know what the "right thing" to do is...and it's probably confusing as hell --- I know that your husband wants to figure it out, fix his problems, and get right with you

    * the one thing I shared with LR--and I share with every PA I talk with--is give things time...prepare to wait a whole year..just 12 months, it sounds like forever in the trenches of being totally confused and pissed off and hurt. But you've been married almost 7 years...you have a couple children...wait a year, let the dust settle, see how things are progressing (or not)
    [Caveat: if there is physical abuse or any element of danger..that's a totally different story. Not that I think that describes you.]

    ..

    I don't know if any of that is helpful. There will be SSSOOO many ups and downs for both you and your husband. I hope you both find support and encouragement on this NoFap forum ... as well as links to great resources that you both actively engage with individually first. You both need to read a lot / listen to all the various YouTube resources / grow in your knowledge and understanding of PA and how to overcome PA....and then hopefully as things are progressing, how to restore/reconcile your marriage.

    But this is a slow, slow process. Either one of you, at any time, can hit the Eject button .... I hope and pray that you don't / that you both do the hard work of recovery.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2018
  4. jrbcoug11

    jrbcoug11 Fapstronaut

    @EyesWideOpen he is going to start some therapy this week, while still on the east coast. I'm not sure how thorough it will be (since he lives in such an isolated area), so I'm not sure this therapist he is going to see would even know what to do with all of this. However, he is planning to see someone once he gets to the west.

    @TryingHard2Change thank you for the advice. It does sound good, and there's something about putting a timeline on it that somehow makes me feel better. I seem to put so much pressure on myself to figure it all out "right now" when I can barely tell my ass from my elbow at this point. Sleep deprivation, as well as all the emotional and physical turmoil I've been through in the last 3 weeks has made me confused beyond recognition. So I like the idea of giving things a time limit. I know that I have expectations of what my husband needs to do in order to prove he is indeed taking this whole thing seriously. He has a tendency to be a big talker with very little action, so I'm waiting to see if this situation turns out to be like that like everything else in his life. I want to believe that we are important to him, and that he is willing to change and get help, but I also know the firm grasp this has on him. It's not something he can easily or willingly let go of. I see the other husbands' counters and I don't think mine has made it past 12 days--it makes me question whether or not he is *willing* to actually kick the habit. It seems like such a simple thing to do, especially when so much is riding on it. Then again, I don't have an addiction, so I don't know how that looks.
     
  5. jrbcoug11

    jrbcoug11 Fapstronaut

    I had therapy today, and it went alright. We spent most of the time talking about my relationship with my mom and how that will change when my husband gets here. There's been a lot of unrest between the two of them throughout our marriage. It causes a lot of stress for both of us. I know that hubs feels like she is trying to sabotage our relationship by keeping us separated. She has made it clear to me that he is not welcome in her home when he comes out here at the end of the month. I can abide by her wishes, even if I think they're ridiculous. I personally don't think she is trying to sabotage anything, but I do think she is taking this whole situation very personally--which is a little hard for me to understand. Either way, I didn't get to talk enough about hubby and his PA and how to handle all the feelings I've been having the last few weeks. The issue with my mom was really at the forefront of my mind, and has been weighing heavily on me.

    Hubby and I had a not so great conversation last night. His parents had come to visit him to help purge our house of crap we don't need as well as provide some moral support for him I think. They were able to "pinpoint" where they think his PA came from. It seemed like too easy an explanation for me, and I feel like there is more to it, and perhaps even a cover up. I don't really trust his parents, because they are notorious secret keepers. I do believe wholeheartedly something nefarious happened to him, and it breaks my heart that someone broke him. We were discussing my own pain, and hubby didn't seem to understand or hear anything I was saying. I felt very misunderstood and very forgotten. I don't feel like he understands everything that has happened to me because of his PA. I tried explaining it to him and all he could do was give me one word answers. This makes me more angry than anything else because I feel so marginalized when he does that. Like it's not important. He says he is just acknowledging what I'm saying, but I hate it. We're not on the same page, and we are not a team, this is what he is complaining about. I can't be on a team with someone I can't trust, or count on. He is neither right now. And not only that he keeps picking a fight over my mom, which doesn't help me either.

    I feel drained. I've had a migraine for the last 2 days, and I can barely see straight. Nothing is helping. My head feels like it is going to explode.

    I haven't told him about my journal on here, mostly because I don't think he'll even care about it. It's not like he doesn't know my NoFap handle... like he can't check up on me and see what I'm doing on the forums. But he doesn't. And I really do believe it's because he doesn't care.
     
  6. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    Something I didn't mention in my PM was you just had a baby. YOU JUST HAD A BABY!!!! Your body is coping with an absolute onslaught of hormones from this. You must be completely exhausted. Emotionally and physically drained.
    Please please take time for you. Don't make any major decisions whilst you are going through so much.
    Big hugs to you x
     
  7. jrbcoug11

    jrbcoug11 Fapstronaut

    I had a dream about my husband the other night. He kissed me in the dream and I remembered all those old feelings. The excitement and adoration I have always felt about him. It felt good to forget even for th briefest of moments all the sadness and pain I feel. I woke up feeling sad and missing my husband. The first time in quite a while I really missed him. We texted the day after the dream as we always do and I asked if we could speak on the phone. It’s not something we usually do, i don’t even remember the last time we actually spoke on the phone. Usually because of babies, time zone differences. We didn’t get a chance to talk until tonight but it felt weird. I got the same feeling as when we used to speak on the phone when we were dating. That nervous excitement. Hearing his voice though touched my heart in a very unexpected way. I love my husband. I have always loved him and I probably will always love him. I know he’s felt like I haven’t and I certainly haven’t done much to ease those fears. It doesn’t change much though. I’ve never been a “Love conquers all” kind of person, it’s just not practical. I miss him and I really want to believe that things will get better and there’s a way for me to get over feeling lied to and cheated on. I couldn’t help but bring all that up on the phone and he was so kind and understanding. I know he’s impatient for me to feel better and stop holding on to all of this but he would never say it. He’s still the kindest person I have ever known, at least I think he is. He will be here in the same place as me at the beginning of February. The unfortunate part is, our original plan of living with my parents while he finds a job, saves money etc has been blown out of the water. So while we will be living in the same vicinity we will not be living together. On one hand I feel like we could work through this together, better living together. On the other hand there’s a small part of me that’s grateful to have that extra time apart. He has a lot of work to do-therapy and dealing with any trauma or stress that has arisen in his lifetime. I feel like he can do that better without the distraction of his wife and kids. I doubt he feels the same way, but it’ll be nice to get some breathing room but still see one another.

    He did start therapy this week too and I feel better knowing he’s taking steps to help himself. For the first time in a while, I feel very positive about where he’s going and our future.
     
  8. jrbcoug11

    jrbcoug11 Fapstronaut

    I talked with my therapist about how my husband and I are communicating in therapy the other day. I told her that it's an easy answer, in that we are not communicating. We talk about the day to day stuff-he tells me about work, I tell him about the kids and that's about it. Sometimes there's gossip about someone at his work, or one of his family members, or one of my family members, but it's all very safe and shallow. We've really never been that couple that doesn't talk about anything and everything. But I don't feel safe talking to him about things. I told my therapist this, and told her how much pressure and stress my husband is under having to relocate from the east coast to the west. Change jobs, find a place to live, etc. I told her that I don't want to tell him I feel insecure and disconnected from him. I feel that my best friend is slipping away, and it makes me sad to know he isn't there for me like he's always been. She told me I need to tell him all of this, he may not respond in a helpful or even kind way, but that is on him not on me. I'm trying to communicate with him and that is all I can control. So last night, during one of our text conversations I tell him all of this, I tell him how hard it is for me to talk to him about my feelings because I feel like he doesn't care, or doesn't have the time to care. I tell him I feel like I am not a priority to him amidst all of this, and how the further away he feels the further away I pull. He informs me that he just doesn't have it to give right now, he is spread so thin that he has nothing left to give. I realize at this point that his hardships have always been more important than mine. When he is struggling to make it through a day, or get everything done that he needs to, my feelings and hardships have to take a back seat to his. I'm the one who has to sacrifice my mental well being so that he will be okay. I am not sure how we established this in our relationship, but I don't like it. I don't understand why his stress is more important than mine. When did I become second in this marriage? It's been ongoing for quite some time, and I remember this happening when our son was born 2 1/2 years ago. I was fading away and all that mattered to him was his own stress with work and being a new dad. I remember when I came to live with my parents, because his therapist told him to make me go home, and I got to their home and cried for a whole week I cried because I finally felt like someone saw me, and saw my pain and my suffering. It felt so good to have people acknowledge my pain and anguish. So here we are again. I do understand why his life is so hard, he has no resilience. He can't handle more than one or two hard things at a time, and he's forced to deal with about 8 or 9 of them right now. But does that mean you stop caring for your wife and kids? Maybe it does. Maybe I'm being unreasonable to expect him to care about me, but I'm not sure why it has to be so difficult to care. So I told him I'll keep all feelings and future issues to myself, because he "can't deal with them." He tells me I need to talk to him but how can I when it all comes back to him and how much stress he is under? Or I get the insincere "i'm sorry." It makes me cringe every time he says or texts that to me. I hate it. I've never hated 2 words more than those. No sympathy just 2 meaningless words with nothing to back it up.
     
  9. @jrbcoug11, I am sorry that things are so crazy and chaotic right now.

    If I remember the details of your and your husband's story -- isn't he moving out to the west coast soon? like in the next week or so? Or is he already out there?
     
  10. jrbcoug11

    jrbcoug11 Fapstronaut

    He’s leaving the east next week. Depends on how long it takes to drive out here
     
  11. The only reason I am asking is timing does play a role in communication. Your husband shouldn't shrug you off every time you talk...but maybe you can have a shorter conversation now--plan an hour of time in the next few days. And then plan on having multiple 2-3+ hour conversations once you two can sit in the same living room or coffee shop and talk longer.

    He certainly should try to make you feel heard.
     
    Jennica, jrbcoug11 and Kenzi like this.
  12. jrbcoug11

    jrbcoug11 Fapstronaut

  13. jrbcoug11

    jrbcoug11 Fapstronaut

    It's been a while since I've written. Mostly because I'm trying to figure out my marriage, and distance myself from this problem. The more I try to escape it, the more it continues to show up in my life.

    My husband is getting pretty inconsistent treatment. His work schedule prohibits him from being able to have a standing appointment with his therapist. Not only that but the therapist he's working with seems to want to focus more on the marriage than the PA. I can appreciate his desire to "fix things" between us, but the biggest issue for me right now is the PA.... I think the marriage can be worked out in time, but the PA needs to be dealt with pronto.

    My therapist and I go through a lot of different things in each of our sessions. The biggest thing she wanted to focus on was any sort of post-partum issues that might arise with the arrival of our daughter. I had pretty bad post-partum anxiety and we were all concerned about it again this time. But so far, there seems to be little to no issue with that.

    I've been doing a lot of reading about my husband, his condition and how to deal with all I'm feeling. My therapist believes my husband has ADD and that is a big reason he is so absent, unavailable and unfocused on me and our relationship. I have a tendency to agree, because he is more unavailable now than ever. He's so overfocused on everything going on in his life, and overwhelmed with everything. It's hard to see, but I also can't understand how fighting for me, and our relationship is not a priority to him.

    We've spent a bit of time together, and for me it's always very awkward. I feel like I don't know who this person is. I find that he tries to be "normal" and that makes it feel even more awkward. I can't recognize the man I fell in love with, and he feels like such a stranger to me. When I leave, with the kids, he hugs me and it feels better, and more normal. I asked him why he waits until I leave to hug me and he didn't have a good answer. I feel more and more confused about where our relationship is headed, and I am frustrated that he is not moving forward with his treatment. I feel insecure in our marriage and he is doing nothing to help me feel less insecure. Whenever I have a hard day and tell him how I feel he turns it around and makes it all about himself. It's hard to express anything I'm feeling because I know the focus will be shifted to how bad he feels about himself and the situation.
     
  14. jrbcoug11

    jrbcoug11 Fapstronaut

    6 months.

    It’s been 6 months since my life has been turned upside down.

    It’s been 6 months since I could trust my husband.

    It’s been 6 months since i discovered his deep dark secret.

    6 months.

    As a way to celebrate 6 months of sadness, depression, hopelessness and endless tears my husband has decided he wants no contact with me for a while. He says he can’t handle dealing with my problems on top of everything else he’s going through. He needs to focus on himself for a change he says. I’m hurting. I don’t understand why my husband finds me to be a burden. I don’t understand why I am being punished for choices and behaviors he made. So here I am Mother’s Day eve wondering why my husband needs space away from me. Why he can’t bring himself to care about my feelings or care for me the way a husband should. He asked me for reassurance that I would still want to be with him when he decides he’s done with this “break” (Ross shouting “we were on a break” is running through my mind). I could give him no such reassurances. I can’t imagine someone wanting to take time and space away from their loved one. I’m so tired of suffering. And I’m so tired of fighting for someone who is r willing to fight for me.
     
  15. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I am so very sorry. I really hope he gets his shit figured out soon because if he doesn't, he's going to lose the best thing that ever happened to him. Hugs
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and jrbcoug11 like this.
  16. jrbcoug11

    jrbcoug11 Fapstronaut

    So it’s been a week and a day of no contact. It’s been hard. I knew it would be hard but it’s so much harder than I anticipated. I miss my husband. We haven’t gone this long without talking in almost 7 years. How can you go from talking to someone every day for almost 7 years to never?

    The thing I keep thinking about is that he’ll come away from this “separation” and say he wants a divorce. It’s always there. Burning my brain. My neck and shoulders are full of knots. My head has been pounding for over a week. I’m so tense and stressed out.

    I told my therapist about this separation. She was able to put it in a different light for me. Rather than it being about me,(time away from me) it was about him (Time to get his life more organized.) she said if he hasn’t made any steps or progress towards organizing his life in a month then what makes me think he can get it organized in 6 months or a year? She didn’t want me to think in term of all of nothing but to maybe look at this time apart as a way for me to make a decision regarding my marriage? If he can’t get his act together he probably never will. Can I live with that? I don’t know.

    On the plus side I’m so much more available to my children because I’m not answering texts from him all day. It’s nice to be more attentive to my little people. Now if I could just stop worrying about my marriage withstanding this. Also plus side, my daughter is now 5 months old, and I am able to wear my wedding ring again. Maybe it’s a positive sign? I haven’t been able to wear them since I was 4 months pregnant. I’ve missed my gorgeous rings.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  17. Did he give you any kind of time line for his absence? Or, are you supposed to just sit there waiting for his possible return in a week? A month? 3 months...? I'm sorry you're hurting so much on top of the stress of not knowing when he'll come around and what will happen when he does. As a military wife myself, I know how much time you're forced to spend apart so when they choose to spend even more time away, it's very hurtful. It's even worse during a time when you need them to be there to work through things together. Hopefully during his 'break' he will get his head on straight and will return with the realization that the only way to deal with this is to face it and not to keep running away from it.

    Stay strong. Feel free to message me anytime if you need to talk.
     
  18. jrbcoug11

    jrbcoug11 Fapstronaut

    @hope4healing Yes, he did give me a time line. He said he'd check in with me at the end of this month. The waiting is always hard, but also the crazy thoughts that are coming in to my mind day after day. Like he's gone on a binge and is doing nothing but PMOing the entire time since we've been a part. I find myself checking cell phone records to see who he is talking to/texting. I hate being this girl. I hate being the girl who feels so insecure in my relationship that I have to "check up" on him. His plan is to get some things figured out and hopefully be in a better place. Unfortunately I didn't get a full plan from him, so... I'm here sitting and waiting.
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  19. jrbcoug11

    jrbcoug11 Fapstronaut

    @GhostWriter

    Thanks for reaching out. I really appreciate your view on this. I too feel he is being extremely selfish, but what am I going to do about it? My 2 year old son keeps asking me when he's going to see "doodoo" again, and I just keep telling him "I don't know." He has this great desire to be with and see his dad, but how do I tell him that we are not a priority to him right now? That he can't find it in him to care about anyone but himself. I don't know if he's getting treatment, and I don't really know what he's talking about in therapy. He's seen a therapist pretty sporadically since coming here, but no plan, or anything like that has been put into place. He was a frequent visitor to NoFap, but hasn't been here in close to 2 months. I honestly don't know how someone does this all alone, with no help, support or a treatment plan. But he's convinced he can.

    I feel the same way you do in that I would think he would be chomping at the bit to spend any time with me, but he doesn't seem to want to put forth that kind of effort. I told him that once the kids are in bed I could go meet him somewhere close by (in case the baby wakes, I need to be close) my mom would have the baby monitor to watch her. He thought it was a great idea, but never took me up on it. It just certainly feels to me like I'm so low on his priorities. Like I said in one of my earlier posts, I'm tired of fighting for someone who isn't fighting for me. A marriage only works if both parties are willing to put forth the effort, and for the last 6 months all I've listened to is what a horrible husband he thinks he is, and how sad and ashamed he feels.

    What does rock bottom look like? How will I know when he has hit rock bottom? It all feels so horrible to me, I can't imagine that this could possibly get worse. But maybe it will. I'm curious what boundaries I should set for him... and I'm a little worried the more boundaries I set, the further away from me he'll pull. Although again, there's that fighting for me statement....

    Thanks for the advice, and insight. I'm always looking for help and advice anywhere I can get. I really appreciate it. And don't worry, I will definitely share the love with my sweet children. They are, after all, all I've got these days.
     
  20. jrbcoug11

    jrbcoug11 Fapstronaut

    Interesting. I'm intrigued. What do you have?
     

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