First post, 24 days in. Flatline and loneliness

Hey bro,
I'm also new here. I can relate a lot to what you told here about your experiences in high school. I had something similar happen but I think it was porn driven, when my insecurities from porn were the ones standing in my way with girls who wanted me back. Those are true emotions that in many ways shaped your confidence and I totally get why you view them as important to your state right now.

Today, as I kept binging on YouTube videos on recovery I heard something interesting. This guy was asking the question of "where does the past dwell?". Is it something now, is it good for us to keep reliving it constantly, placing everything wrong with us on what happened then?

For many of us awakening to this monster we allowed in (PMO), the easiest place to run is to what happened in the past that gives justification to who we are. I'm not denying your experience, but it's normal to feel like this shouldn't all be about what you did wrong, because others had a part in it as well. However, ask yourself the question: Where are those experiences now?.

As I saw myself diving into such thoughts this week, I adopted a different attitude. I didn't deny the past, but I also had to accept that there's nothing I can do to change what already happened. I can change the experience and view I have of the past. It will not help my recovery to keep going there, just as much as it doesn't help people who suffered any kind of trauma to keep within their square of past experiences. I've seen people like that, it's sad to watch them because there's no energy being projected forwards. You can take that as a good definition of who you don't want to be and choose to go down a new path into recovery, confidence and a better future. I believe it's good to analyze past experiences, but if nothing can be changed about them you have to let them be where they belong.

Mindfully,
Achilles.

 

Congratulations on your journey. I have a very similar story girl-wise. Constantly in the friend-zone. Great for her self-esteem terrible for mine.
Anyway, one thing to consider is that for many of us we used pmo to deal with unpleasant feelings, emotions, situations. Therefore without PMO we are often left learning new coping skills. For me, this is "flatlining". That calm before the storm where we lose that first ego boost from quitting a bad habit, and begin to realize that PMO was a coping mechanism, covering a lot of unpleasantness.
Now, granted, I used P for a long time as a coping mechanism and everyone is different.
My journal goes into a lot about how i've dealt with it.

 

Hey! Welcome to the no far journey that you are choosing to depart on. Let me tell you, the road that you are choosing to travel upon is not only difficult but also challenging in many ways. I can honestly say that I in some ways eerily relate to everything you described about your personal life, especially that with fapping. I too chased a girl for some time and then eventually stopped and started on and off while she used me emotionally, let me reassure you from a man who went through emotional bullying in high school as well; IT AIDS AND PROMOTES THE PORNOGRAPHIC LIFESTYLE." I will admit that in the times in which I was on and off dating girls, or even hooking up (which at the time was generally against my moral fibers for religious reasons) I wanted to connect with someone so badly that was real other than my computer screen and left hand. The first two months subsequently while ending the addiction have been some of the hardest, so understand that your brain is rewiring and trying to come back down from the increased amount of dopamine hits that it is used to receiving. I suggest watching some videos on the web that explains the way a brain re wires post addiction. You can also be experiencing symptoms of withdrawal, which personally manifest themselves in people differently all the time. For example; i experienced night terrors, headaches, mood swings and even experienced slight hallucinations. Which upon researching and expressing with my therapist was advised that these things are all normal during withdrawal. My suggestion when it comes to girls right now since you are not in a relationship is to not make it a priority. When coming down from an addiction, most people are advised to avoid beginning relationships as well as ending ones that they are in. The old cliche, theres someone out there for everyone is true, but when companionship has been in the form of getting "high" with porn and fapping, its difficult at these early stages to be able to balance the wide world or handling a relationship. You will know when the right girl comes along. In the meantime what helped me was getting involved wit SA, pursuing hobbies and enjoying the company of friends, as well as working my 12 steps and coming clean to the people closest in my life about my addiction. Keep hanging in there, the best is ahead of you! You can do this! Always here to help!