Focused

15 Days! Yes. Now at Western Cwm. Just got home from work. Went to workout. Now I am back in front of the computer posting this update while listening to Surrounded from UPPERROOM. So good it really helps me. "My victory is in Jesus name. My victory is in the third day. This is how I fight my battles. Praise, Praise, oh Praise." "Praise will be my song and I will not contain this love."

Check it out!

Halloween tomorrow.

 

Early morning and I am getting ready for work. There have been occasions over the last few days of what I now call Deceptive Brain Messages (DBM). I don't even call it an urge or temptation. Doing this allows me to control the terminology I myself use to describe what is happening.

So what happened? You and I have seen so much P that we have seen some P many times. Our favorite clip so to speak. Well I was having a DBM about a scene that I have liked. I immediately said out loud I am having a Deceptive Brain Message. That is what relabeling is. Calling it out and saying that out loud. You don't have to shout it, just quietly say it to yourself "I am having a Deceptive Brain Message."

I then did the next step, which is reframe. I am having this Deceptive Brain Message because I am stressed right now (something was happening at work). I then did something that was constructive - something very small - it was writing in my planner. That step is refocusing. I focused on something that was constructive.

The last step revalue seems to take place on it's own. I know this will increase over time. Revaluing allows you to place less value on what that original Deceptive Brain Message was.

There were two other times that this same scene popped up into my head and I immediately relabeled and refocused.

Why do I tell you this? Because it works! We have all heard this term mindfulness. Well relabeling is mindfulness in action. You are aware of your thoughts. For me, right now, I want to be aware of when these DBM occur. When they do I say them out loud to myself. In the past the one DBM would get stronger or lead to other messages or cause me to have that internal conversation with myself as to either why or why I should not PMO. THAT CONVERSATION WITH YOUR SELF IS USELESS. THAT IS PART OF THE PROBLEM. Don't go down that road. Don't have that conversation. Don't fight the thought, but call the thought what it is - a Deceptive Brain Message. Hope that helps.

 

Still climbing strong. In this virtual climb I must admit that I do not know much about real mountain climbing. If I just had to say what I know now I would say these 9 points. I will use X to check off what I think you would need for real climbing compared to what I have in my climb to end PMO addiction.

1) I would have to have a plan X (four Steps).
2) I would need a guide X (Jesus)
3) I would need to practice climbing X (I have - all of the times that I have tried to climb (stop) and was defeated (fallen)) I have a lot of practice (lol)
4) I would need nourishment X (prayer, writing, communion, Holy Spirit)
5) I would need a back up plan X (cold shower)
6) I would need a back up to the back up plan X (walk)
7) I could not go alone X (I need encouragement from all of you when things start going bad)
8) The higher I climb the less air. Or a way to look at this virtual climb - The longer I do not PMO the more pride I may develop. Remember the saying pride comes before the fall. So more pride equals less air. So what to do? Pray even more and remember where I started from. NOTICE I HAVE NOT PUT AN X HERE. This has been my downfall in the past. I had success. I have had long periods of success. And then ...
9) The higher you climb the greater the fall. Each time I have fallen from a great height the landing has been devastating. It takes everything I have to even consider trying again. On the other hand each time I do start again I learn from my mistake(s) and learn new offensive and defensive strategies.
People could tell me I am full of S#$% now & I would be impervious to the attack.

I have one goal now and that is to stop forever PMO. Nothing else matters. Nothing else matters. Nothing else ...

 

Thursday morning of All Saints Day. Let me pause at Western Cwm on day 17 and enjoy the view. I am very tired this morning. Off to work and looking forward to Friday. Well my guide is asking me to get my stuff ready and begin today's climb.

 

I wrote this prior to work drinking coffee at Starbucks. I wrote this for All Saints Day and for my follow climbers.

Children of the Light

Rise!
Let your true self, Rise
Make way for the eternal dawn
Understand who you are

Bright as the sun
With the universe within
First light your path, see
Understand who you are

Unknowing Saints
Follow the Way, the way of Light
As a child of the light
Understand who you are

Your light can never be extinguished
Cry for the darkness, as children
Children of the Light
Understand who you are

The light of understanding
You know the Light of the third day
Saints, Children of the Light
Understand who you are

 

I made it through another week at work. Yea! I want to get started on the day because I want to make it to Mass at 6:30 for All Souls Day. Out.

 

Very busy week ended. Tired.

 

What I have learned about emotions and emotional sensations.

In an earlier post on October 31st I wrote about what I have learned about Deceptive Brain Messages. Have you ever noticed this? Your sitting watching a TV show and then you suddenly get that anxious gut feeling. It does not start in your brain, or so you think, but in your gut.

Everything is fine and then bam! - not fine. Suddenly you are in a tremendous need to PMO. But why?

From what I have read this is an emotional sensation. This emotional sensations are the result of a Deceptive Brain Messages. You may be saying to yourself as you read this that Brainstorm you are full of S$%!, didn't he just write that it started in your gut. So what happened. This - you had the Deceptive Brain Message (DBM) but you were not aware of it. Maybe you were bored or hungry or angry or something that you were watching triggered the DBM. It happened so quickly that all you notice is that emotional sensation in your gut.

So what makes an emotional sensation different than an emotion. An emotional sensation "is a feeling based on a Deceptive Brain Message and leads you to act in unhealthy ways." It try's to cause you to act. It causes you to look for pleasure. It was the sensation that causes you to look for something to sooth that desire. In our addiction we have looked for that pleasure with PMO. We have looked to answer that desire with PMO. As a matter of fact when we feel tired, lonely, stressed, hungry ... we look to sooth that sensation with what we have learned - PMO.

So how is an emotional sensation different than an emotion? An emotion is based on a real event and the reaction to that is proportional to the event. If a loved one dies we are sad, very sad and distraught. If I loose my job I would be depressed. These are proportional reactions. Compared to I am bored and I have an emotional sensation which causes me to act out and PMO for hours.

So reading this you may be thinking, "well that is great Brainstorm but what do I do with this information". This is what you do with this information - Treat an emotional sensation (urge, temptation, gut stress ... ) just like a Deceptive Brain Message. Use the four steps: relabel, reframe, refocus and revalue.

In the example above when watching TV and you have an emotional sensation (funny feeling in your gut that urges you to act out with PMO) do the relabel step. Say out loud (quietly to yourself) what is happening "I am having an urge again". Then go to the next step, reframe " I am having this urge from a Deceptive Brain Message" I now know that this DBM can happen so quickly that all I am feeling is the emotional sensation." Guess what? That is also Mindfulness in action. You are aware.

Third step: Refocus - Immediately do something constructive. For example- have a crossword puzzle or word search on the table next to the couch. Do something that is enjoyable but it is not PMO. Something that you like and gives you pleasure but is not PMO. You brain wants pleasure so this will work. Or - record the program you are watching and get up off the couch and go for a walk. Do something, anything enjoyable that is constructive.

Revalue - this happens on its own - understand that the emotional sensation is nothing more than a Deceptive Brain Message. This DBM is not something to be taken seriously. It is not something that you have to act out on.

You will probably have to do these 4 steps many times during the day like I do. That is okay - you are rewiring your brain!

 

Will be at Camp 1 tomorrow. Doesn't seem to be very many people on the Everest Challenge. This is okay.

I am cold but the layers I have on have been working well. At Base Camp there was a lot of gear to choose from, some of it dating back to 2015. Many climbers have tried and failed. It is a difficult climb and after 19 days I have acclimated to the altitude. At the start there were some days where I was dizzy and needed to slow down and catch my breath. The inside of my right heal hurts with each step. I knew I should have broken in these boots better, but on a climb like this there isn't much time to prepare.

The sun is very bright and it is at my back. In front of me my shadow has been getting longer each hour. I am hypnotized by the top of the shadow that seems to move slightly from side to side with each step. Because of the suns brightness and glare off of the snow I am wearing protective glasses. Because of them everything is tinged with an orange brightness.

The wind has been picking up for the last 30 minutes. This brings snow off the cliff to my left over a long running mound and whips it sideways. There is a noise caused by the wind and it changes pitch when the wind becomes stronger and weaker. The glass on the left side of my goggles is starting to gather some ice crystals. I am going to have to stop soon, while the sun is still up, to pitch my tent.

For the past mile the slope of the mountain has gotten steeper. Each step takes tremendous effort. Now the landscape is beginning to level off. A good place to stop. My back has been aching from day one with the weight of the pack on my back. My lower back is especially painful and as I try to straighten up, to remove the pack, a sharp ache occurs, like a knife pressing on soft skin. That pain causes me to turn slightly as the pack falls from my shoulders. The snow from the wind is now hitting the right side of my face as I raise my hand to block the bright sun.

Visibility is decreased greatly. I let out a groan from the sharp pain and shut my eyes tightly as if by shutting them I could lessen the pain. I am looking down the mountain now and to my surprise I see a dark figure about 500 yards behind me. I squint and close my eyes again tightly and then reopen them thinking that I am just seeing a spot or spots from the altitude and maybe dehydration. Squinting my eyes I can see that this figure has a long pole that it lifts and then places in front of the next step taken. How can this be? My heart starts to race as I am confused by the sight. Still far off the figure continues on its assent. How long have they been following me?

I consider continuing to climb, but the sharp pain in my back, causes me to quickly understand that it is a bad idea. I know that I need to get started setting up my my tent and start melting some snow for water. Whoever it is behind me will most likely arrive at my camp in an hour or so. As I pull the tent out of my pack I look up and to the west I see clouds, the first clouds I have seen all day.

 

It's early morning on Sunday and I am sitting in my office, writing. I am listening to Surrounded from UPPERROOM (youTUBE). I know I have posted about this before, but just in case you missed it, it is a powerful song. There is something about it that is very healing.

Yesterday I started a fictional story. It is in the first person but the I is not me (fiction). I do not know anything about the main character nor the ominous figure in the distance. I also don't know much about mountain climbing, except that it can be very difficult and takes an extreme amount of endurance and perseverance. Whoever created the The Climb in the Everest Challenge is a genius. There may not be a better analogy to our struggle with PMO than climbing a Mountain. Also, did you ever consider all of the historical and religious events that occur on mountains; Mount Tabor, Mount Hira, Mount Kailash, Mount Everest, Mount Sanai).

But why a mountain? What is it with humans and mountains? Is the physical challenge or getting a different vantage point?

That is what I am experiencing as I write. A different perspective and a different vantage point. Take PMO and observe it from a distance. Maybe from the top of a mountain. Think about PMO compared to other addictions. What is the difference? Food, alcohol, gambling, drugs ... In one way they are all the same. We are looking for pleasure, for an escape. From What? It's different for every person. It is something learned: Negative stimulus - pleasure seeking activity. So what is different about PMO? PMO brings shame and guilt. I have no problem saying I am an alcoholic and I am. It's hidden. I remember when I was in counseling for what I will label - sex addiction. At that same time Tiger Woods crashed his car into a tree and made the National news. During a counseling session I said "Thank God for Tiger Woods". Why would I say that? Because here was a person that has it all; a beautiful wife, kids and a great career and the power of sex addiction was greater than that and it was in the news. People had to talk about.

Do you have any idea on how common our struggles with PMO are? Revenue from Pornography is greater than all the revenue for the NBA, NFL, NHL and MLB combined!! So why are you a hero? Because you are here, on this site at this time and you are fighting. You are here and you are saying "No More"! You are saying, " I want to be different, I want a change in my life, I do not want to live like this another day." You are saying that! You, this small fragment of the population. You, God's greatest creation! I love each and every one of you because you say "I am better than this." You and I are so much more than our PMO problem especially when looking at it from the top of a mountain.

Do not put the shame and guilt label on yourself. PMO like all addictions is just that: an addiction that can end. You can end it. I have. Say it and believe it. Create a new label for yourself. From this moment forward you are free. Believe it.

 

Nothing to exciting. Monday, first day of work week. Sometimes we just have to work through the drudgery and get by. Sometimes the work day changes and something exciting or challenging happens and we meet that challenge. Then things are great. Anyway I try not to have too many conversations in my head about work ... that never goes well.

 

I was so focused on the Monday I did not realize that I reached day 20 and Camp II. I feel great.

 

Yesterday work was a real challenge. Problem with Connectivity that is still not resolved. Since I am not an IT person it makes it very difficult and frustrating, like learning a new language. Ugh!

So looking to what is good is my current climb, which is now at 21 days. I have been successful because write in this forum every day, I pray, I offer support on the site where i can, i stick to the four step plan I am using for the climb and beyond.

But I am weak. I am an addict. I don't hide from it. It is a fact.

Starting from there you an I can learn different ways to cope with life's stresses. It is a process.

Here is something that I wrote about conscience.

CONSCIENCE

Enough! I look to others to change myself. Enough! From now on I want to follow my own conscience. When I gained knowledge from what I read and sometimes applied, it was because those things were in line with my conscience. When I wanted to do something that I knew was wrong I tried to ignore my conscience. That has only brought me to depression, guilt, shame and misery.

Conscience is the one thing that we cannot gain from the outside.

I say that I do not like rules, but all of us have life rules written on our hearts. Sometimes we don’t like what those rules say. Sometimes we ignore the rules to “have fun”. You cannot run away from your conscience.

So as of today and as of right now I turn to my conscience for answers and say yes to those rules written on my heart. I turn my “will” to answer my conscience to yes.

 

I resolved that connectivity problem at work. Yea! Challenge met. Sometimes you just have to step back and look at the big picture. Just like no PMO - one day at a time. Best of luck to the people that have just joined the climb. Look at some of my earlier posts for some tips on what to do when you have an urge to PMO.

 

Morning. The time change has really messed up my sleep pattern. I wake up at the same time now only 1 hour earlier. Go figure. Obviously it just makes the day longer. I am just whining.

Anyway. Here I am and still successful in keeping PMO away. I occasionally look at the posts on some of the other forums. When I read about a setback where someone PMO's for 4-5 hours it scares the hell out of me because I have been there. When that happens it is overwhelming and exhausting. So no matter how awful thoses posts are they are also healing since I never want to be back in that situation.

If you are reading this and recently posted about a crisis know that I am not judging you. Never! I am an addict and I know what you are experiencing. Keep fighting. Being 22 days out I am still so very susceptible to a slip.

I am committed to no Porn ever again.

 

It is not a bad thing to be hyper vigilant. I do not want to put my guard down on my thoughts or what I am exposed to from media. I realize that I have to be very careful. That said, always being on guard is also exhausting. I am looking for that balance. At 23 days I am getting closer to relaxing, but I don't think I can do that until day 90+. I am very curious to see how I will feel and what I would write about at day 30, 60, 90 and 120. There is something about posting here that is cathartic.

What date will 30, 60, 90 and 120 ... fall on? I will mark these on my calendar and consider these milestone days to be celebrated. 13 Milestone days for 1 year. Dream Big!

Day 30: November 14, 2019
Day 60: December 14, 2019
Day 90: January 13,2019
Day 120: February 12, 2019
Day 150: March 14, 2019
Day 180: April 13, 2019
Day 210: May 13, 2019
Day 240: June 12, 2019
Day 270: July 12, 2019
Day 300: August 11, 2019
Day 330: September 10, 2019
Day 360: October 10, 2019
Day 365: October 15, 2019 !!!

 

Last night I was watching TV and flipping through the channels. I came upon a old PG movie. A scene came up and something was said and suddenly I experienced that overwhelming urge to PMO. It lasted for only 30 seconds or so but it was a powerful gut feeling. It was an emotional sensation. I turned the channel to sports.

The thing is I didn't go right to the steps. I didn't say this is an Emotional Sensation as a relabel. Inadvertently I did refocus by turning the channel. An emotional sensation can be VERY strong. It is not a thought initially, it is a feeling. The thought immediately followed because of what was said.

Off to work now. Have a good day.

 

Do you know the reason that I come back and post so often? Because it works for me. Writing a plan helps. Writing about rewiring your brain helps. Writing for others helps. But the main reason is that it works for me. I am committed to becoming free from Pornography! Day 24.