Gaining sexual function

A

Afunction

Fapstronaut
I have had a very hard time with sexuality and I don't really know if I'm capable of forming a positive sexual relation with a woman.
I suspect due to some trauma I began so associate sexual arousal with some pretty messed up stuff, namely vore and this is what I would primarily jerk off to growing up. I also liked the idea of femdom and facesitting.
I was able to find porn for this and went in and out of sprees watching it then feeling disgusted with myself.
It wasn't until my early 20s that I began to consider this deeply unhealthy, a lack of sexual contract until I was 27 probably compounded this problem but until recently I didn't realise how bad it was that I can barely get aroused by the idea and action of healthy sex.
The last couple of months I started seeing a girl and fell for her pretty hard, I had some great experiences and an intense romantic attraction but when we were intimate I didn't feel arousal as much as an initial fear of intimacy then a deep sense of catharsis and heeling. This began to freak me out as I finally had the woman of my dreams no, better than a dream, in front of me but I couldn't get it up. I began to spiral and we fell apart and agreed to be friends and it's heartbreaking. I feel I have never been able to develop a healthy sexuality but for the first time I truly want to be well.
During the last days of our relationship I noticed some improvements, my dick started working from making out and I found myself becoming mildly aroused thinking about our experiences but I developed an unhealthy craving to be near her again which lead to us breaking up.
I have kicked all porn and been able to masturbate to healthy sexual fantasies but with relatively weak arousal but there is something there and that is probably the reason I'm still here to be honest.
I must reboot and start dating again to have positive experiences with women, at the moment it feels like I'm walking across an invisible bridge, but if the sheer will to be well and make positive sexual associations is possible then I will do it.
 
Been reading the forums and it seems there is hope.
My plan is to do 30 days hard mode, keep dating and boost my testosterone, then I may see a high-class escort to try to Rewire without the negative emotions of failing with a girl I really like.
I will then attempt orgasmic reconditioning twice a week for 2 weeks based on positive memories , go another 2 weeks nofap and see another high class escort. I'll repeat this until I can achieve a full erection and orgasm from vanilla sex.
I have also booked to see a psychosexual therapist, will visualise healthy intercourse when I get an erection and will get some hormone testing done as my libido is low too.
 
Afunction said:
Been reading the forums and it seems there is hope.
My plan is to do 30 days hard mode, keep dating and boost my testosterone, then I may see a high-class escort to try to Rewire without the negative emotions of failing with a girl I really like.
I will then attempt orgasmic reconditioning twice a week for 2 weeks based on positive memories , go another 2 weeks nofap and see another high class escort. I'll repeat this until I can achieve a full erection and orgasm from vanilla sex.
I have also booked to see a psychosexual therapist, will visualise healthy intercourse when I get an erection and will get some hormone testing done as my libido is low too.
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You may find that with this plan you just end up addicted to escorts. If your goal is to just be able to perform sex with random people, then this is a fine Pham. If your plan is to try and have a healthy relationship with a woman, this is a horrible plan. Sexual intimacy is far more complicated than just being able to get it up and perform. The negative emotions of falling for a woman is part of growing up and maturing. This is something that addicts have in common, trying to avoid feelings rather than deal with them.
 
Psalm27:1my light said:
You may find that with this plan you just end up addicted to escorts. If your goal is to just be able to perform sex with random people, then this is a fine Pham. If your plan is to try and have a healthy relationship with a woman, this is a horrible plan. Sexual intimacy is far more complicated than just being able to get it up and perform. The negative emotions of falling for a woman is part of growing up and maturing. This is something that addicts have in common, trying to avoid feelings rather than deal with them.
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I think you are right but I honestly feel that being a sex addict is a step up from where I'm at. After 30 days I will be in a better position to decide
 
Made some progress:
Had wood last night and used it to visualise having really enjoyable vanilla sex and actually started to get aroused, I resisted the urge to mo though.
I've been doing some affirmations and thinking positive as well as visualising how good being healthy will be and it seems to have helped, maybe it's reminding me that women like me and good sex is definitely an option.
Also got my first therapy appointment in just over a weeks time.
 
Hard day today, got to sort out a care home for my grandma and deeply miss the girl I was seeing. And there's no outlet, I'm feeling ill but can't sleep, can't excercise, won't turn to alchohol or drugs, struggle to get aroused by sex and can't mo. Read through some logs here and will push through, seeing some friends later so will feel better.
 
Another day down. Had dreams about this struggle, woke up thinking of her probably to try to escape the pain but that caused more pain.
Was heartening to see my friends though and I know there is no way back now.
 
Another day down, no libido, unexpectedly reconnected with ex, she's being nice so will see what happens. Please Lord reboot me with a healthy sexuality.
 
Been staying the course, libido is up big time and had a wet dream last night, cant remember the dream too much. I must channel this energy towards vanilla anytime I feel an urge. Can still feel my brain in a rampant dopamine search for arousal triggers.
 
You seem to be on the right track. Please keep in mind that severe addictions can take months or even years to fully fade away (this depends on the severity of your addiction, years of addiction, etc.). Keep going and be strong, you will get there!
 
My unsolicited opinion: you're expecting way too much, too soon.

You're talking about your sexuality beginning warped and in your formative years, and sustained for over a decade. Suddenly you want to turn that around and be healthy in what, a few weeks? Days, months? What is your timeline?

I'm here for you, I want you to succeed and I want you to develop that healthy sexuality, I just want you to be realistic. This is like, a bed ridden guy deciding he wants to run a triathlon. He needs to develop muscle mass, a cardio system, he needs to grow more red blood cells, before he can walk to the sink to draw himself a glass of water, let alone swim a mile.

From personal experience, and from seeing dozens of guys journeys on this forum, you need to work on extracting yourself from unhealthy sexuality before you can start working on healthy sexuality. The healthy stuff runs too close, in terms of neurochemical reaction, to the unhealthy bits, to handle properly. That's what "rewire" is all about, it's learning to live without sex, so you are better conditioned to learn how to live with it.

This girl in your life, that's good. It's good for you. It's showing your brain how to form a connection, not necessarily a sexual one, but a friendly and romantic one, instead of using a body to gratify yourself. Trying to skip to sex so soon, though, is going to be a problem. You simply aren't ready for it, and if that's going to be an issue for her, she's not the person you need right now. Love is about the connection, about emotional intimacy, about taking care of the other person. Lust is about taking care of yourself. Good sex accomplishes both, but you're not in a position to go there right now. Cuddling, maybe. Sex, no way.

Your first post is from a week ago. You've been doing great and I mean that. Really, really great. A lot of guys have more trouble abstaining, they feel that internal distress and they just can't deal without PMO, but you're hanging in there. It's been a busy week as well, you see how much can happen? You're making plans for the long term though, you're running a marathon and thinking about the finish line. You have no idea what you are going to encounter a few hours from now, much less a few days. You don't know how you are going to feel. I get it, you're all in, you're hyperfocusing, you want to make this work, but I think you'll serve yourself better by planning the next day, what you're going to do to avoid the triggers, what do you think a healthy relationship looks like and why, what are your values, what kind of person you want to eventually be, and what you are doing right now to grow into that person, instead of focusing on getting it up and "performing" for a partner.

Such a P focused term, "performing." Sex isn't a performance. Sex is an act of reproduction and intimate connection. You don't "perform" connection, and you can connect without mashing genitals. I mean, it's a good way to connect, eventually, but unnecessary, especially in early stages of a relationship. O is such an intense experience and O with someone is a strong reinforcement of vulnerability and trust, you want to be really careful about who you do that with. Instead P turns it into a show you put on to impress your partner, because obviously it's a show the actors are putting on to impress the viewer. Intimacy doesn't even factor into it. No wonder we're so screwed up.
 
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Thanks guys, you are both right, I think I'm being impatient because I don't know if this is even possible so am looking for instant feedback and it feels like it's not enough, even though I'm experiencing some positive developments.
Head feels like it's gonna explode today but I'm making progress.
 
Appreciate your vulnerability. Admire your resolve.

Regarding gaining normal sexual function, what I'd like to share from my personal experience is that

  • Addiction makes you see women as objects.
  • You won't even realize how deep you treat her as object until and unless you stay off from Porn, Masturbation and Orgasm for an extended period of time.
  • When respect replaces objectification, you connect deep. Respect and Integrity is the key. Both can happen only when you respect yourself and live your life with some level of integrity.
  • When you connect deep, when you are not slave to lust, lovemaking can be an energizing experience for you and your partner. Then you can go beyond "normal" sexual function. You can learn to dance with her rhythms. You can learn to set the rhythm. You can make love as much as you want without the fear of release. When you are rooted in love, release is within your control, like a good tool. When you are rooted in lust, release is beyond your grasp, keeps you enslaved.

Abstinence for an extended period of time was necessary for me to unlearn many things. I'd vouch that although lust is an essential element is sexual play, primacy of love over lust is sine qua non for deep and meaningful relationship.

Keep healing! May your dreams come true! Cheers!
 
Afunction said:
looking for instant feedback and it feels like it's not enough
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I get that too. That's P and that's modern life, they've trained us to expect instant, dramatic results. Back when we were based on an agricultural economy, people realized growth takes time. We knew we had to work on every day, work hard, to get a little progress. Now we have phones, microwaves, dishwashers, and pills. Most of us never have to wait in any meaningful way.
Afunction said:
I'm experiencing some positive developments
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I usually don't experience any positive developments until I'm two weeks clean. I don't feel much better until 30 days, and I don't feel at my peak until 90. It took even longer a couple months ago, I was feeling wretched almost to 100 days.

It's 100% worth it. It's tough and it takes time, though, and it's hard to fight that addicted mind.
 
Another day.
Thanks so much for the support guys, I feel much more stable and women look better irl now which I beleive is a good sign.
Things feel pretty bleak so will keep positive visualisation and affirmation.
Hopefully gonna see my ex tomorrow, she may flake but I want to try and make things right.
 
Met up with ex. Had a good time and just enjoyed spending time with each other. I'm in the friendzone as she sais she can't be the one to fix me but it was a positive interaction and I'm happy to have been able to share a positive relationship with a woman and end it on good terms, feels like a weight has been lifted.
Had quite a tight hug and I started to get erect which I see as very promising, my mind also drifted to vanilla sex today and I got a bit aroused and also noticed a weak erection.
Libido is pretty flat and I feel calm but very bored at work. This next week will be difficult mood-wise dealing with family stuff and working early shift but so far my brain isn't looking to any fetish or MO for comfort
 
Waves of sadness and loneliness today, feel cut off from the rest of humanity and I guess I am for now. Urge to MO just to stop the pain, but easy to resist, might have entered the flatline, this is gonna be rough.
 
Went out with friends and drank too much, started getting some suicidal thoughts from the alchohol also cried but ran out of tears.
Feeling much better today, making out and giving oral give me pretty robust arousal which is good, I think naked cuddling is a good next step, there's definitely something magical about a woman's touch that gives me hope.
 
Still going strong, libido is up slightly and I'm getting slightly aroused by some vanilla thoughts while just sitting around at work, fetishes haven't bothered me for a while now, feels like I have the option to get aroused by them but decide not too. Hopefully this trend continues. Bought a course on this stuff so will start reading through it.
 
Kept waking up with wood and feeling even more arousal to vanilla, I think I may actually be resetting and moving towards a positive masculine sexuality, slowly but surely. Every time I feel the desire to O I think about vanilla as the only way to achieve this. Also got over my breakup which may be linked, I think learning more about women has really shed light on how absurd it is to fetishize them in general.
 
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