Gaining sexual function

I have had a very hard time with sexuality and I don't really know if I'm capable of forming a positive sexual relation with a woman.
I suspect due to some trauma I began so associate sexual arousal with some pretty messed up stuff, namely vore and this is what I would primarily jerk off to growing up. I also liked the idea of femdom and facesitting.
I was able to find porn for this and went in and out of sprees watching it then feeling disgusted with myself.
It wasn't until my early 20s that I began to consider this deeply unhealthy, a lack of sexual contract until I was 27 probably compounded this problem but until recently I didn't realise how bad it was that I can barely get aroused by the idea and action of healthy sex.
The last couple of months I started seeing a girl and fell for her pretty hard, I had some great experiences and an intense romantic attraction but when we were intimate I didn't feel arousal as much as an initial fear of intimacy then a deep sense of catharsis and heeling. This began to freak me out as I finally had the woman of my dreams no, better than a dream, in front of me but I couldn't get it up. I began to spiral and we fell apart and agreed to be friends and it's heartbreaking. I feel I have never been able to develop a healthy sexuality but for the first time I truly want to be well.
During the last days of our relationship I noticed some improvements, my dick started working from making out and I found myself becoming mildly aroused thinking about our experiences but I developed an unhealthy craving to be near her again which lead to us breaking up.
I have kicked all porn and been able to masturbate to healthy sexual fantasies but with relatively weak arousal but there is something there and that is probably the reason I'm still here to be honest.
I must reboot and start dating again to have positive experiences with women, at the moment it feels like I'm walking across an invisible bridge, but if the sheer will to be well and make positive sexual associations is possible then I will do it.

 

Been reading the forums and it seems there is hope.
My plan is to do 30 days hard mode, keep dating and boost my testosterone, then I may see a high-class escort to try to Rewire without the negative emotions of failing with a girl I really like.
I will then attempt orgasmic reconditioning twice a week for 2 weeks based on positive memories , go another 2 weeks nofap and see another high class escort. I'll repeat this until I can achieve a full erection and orgasm from vanilla sex.
I have also booked to see a psychosexual therapist, will visualise healthy intercourse when I get an erection and will get some hormone testing done as my libido is low too.

 

I think you are right but I honestly feel that being a sex addict is a step up from where I'm at. After 30 days I will be in a better position to decide

 

Made some progress:
Had wood last night and used it to visualise having really enjoyable vanilla sex and actually started to get aroused, I resisted the urge to mo though.
I've been doing some affirmations and thinking positive as well as visualising how good being healthy will be and it seems to have helped, maybe it's reminding me that women like me and good sex is definitely an option.
Also got my first therapy appointment in just over a weeks time.

 

Hard day today, got to sort out a care home for my grandma and deeply miss the girl I was seeing. And there's no outlet, I'm feeling ill but can't sleep, can't excercise, won't turn to alchohol or drugs, struggle to get aroused by sex and can't mo. Read through some logs here and will push through, seeing some friends later so will feel better.

 

Another day down. Had dreams about this struggle, woke up thinking of her probably to try to escape the pain but that caused more pain.
Was heartening to see my friends though and I know there is no way back now.

 

Another day down, no libido, unexpectedly reconnected with ex, she's being nice so will see what happens. Please Lord reboot me with a healthy sexuality.

 

Been staying the course, libido is up big time and had a wet dream last night, cant remember the dream too much. I must channel this energy towards vanilla anytime I feel an urge. Can still feel my brain in a rampant dopamine search for arousal triggers.

 

Thanks guys, you are both right, I think I'm being impatient because I don't know if this is even possible so am looking for instant feedback and it feels like it's not enough, even though I'm experiencing some positive developments.
Head feels like it's gonna explode today but I'm making progress.

 

Another day.
Thanks so much for the support guys, I feel much more stable and women look better irl now which I beleive is a good sign.
Things feel pretty bleak so will keep positive visualisation and affirmation.
Hopefully gonna see my ex tomorrow, she may flake but I want to try and make things right.

 

Met up with ex. Had a good time and just enjoyed spending time with each other. I'm in the friendzone as she sais she can't be the one to fix me but it was a positive interaction and I'm happy to have been able to share a positive relationship with a woman and end it on good terms, feels like a weight has been lifted.
Had quite a tight hug and I started to get erect which I see as very promising, my mind also drifted to vanilla sex today and I got a bit aroused and also noticed a weak erection.
Libido is pretty flat and I feel calm but very bored at work. This next week will be difficult mood-wise dealing with family stuff and working early shift but so far my brain isn't looking to any fetish or MO for comfort

 

Waves of sadness and loneliness today, feel cut off from the rest of humanity and I guess I am for now. Urge to MO just to stop the pain, but easy to resist, might have entered the flatline, this is gonna be rough.

 

Went out with friends and drank too much, started getting some suicidal thoughts from the alchohol also cried but ran out of tears.
Feeling much better today, making out and giving oral give me pretty robust arousal which is good, I think naked cuddling is a good next step, there's definitely something magical about a woman's touch that gives me hope.

 

Still going strong, libido is up slightly and I'm getting slightly aroused by some vanilla thoughts while just sitting around at work, fetishes haven't bothered me for a while now, feels like I have the option to get aroused by them but decide not too. Hopefully this trend continues. Bought a course on this stuff so will start reading through it.

 

Kept waking up with wood and feeling even more arousal to vanilla, I think I may actually be resetting and moving towards a positive masculine sexuality, slowly but surely. Every time I feel the desire to O I think about vanilla as the only way to achieve this. Also got over my breakup which may be linked, I think learning more about women has really shed light on how absurd it is to fetishize them in general.