6/3: Day 3 1) Started out by having a good breakfast and listening to some new music; this was an unusual way to start the day and it really energized me. I was in the right mood and feeling really positive. I could get used to that. 2) I guess that another thing that I've struggled with in life (aside from PMO compulsions) is having confidence in myself. It's the root of my problem when I, say, sit down to take an exam. I think that I need to calm myself and think reassuring thoughts whenever I feel like I can't do something. Like, "you have the power to succeed. You have all the tools you need. You have the power, you just have to be calm enough to use it." Those were my "self-checking" thoughts of the day.
Part. 1 I woke up at 5... But then fell asleep after checking the chat and slept till 10. Part 2 I will do it before I sleep
I've been posting in my journal instead of here so i'll change that from here on out. Day 1. 1) Woke up and went for a run with my best friend down the road. The cold air destroyed my lungs, need to learn to breath through my nose when i run. 2) Meditated the full 15 minutes after the run in the morning. More-so to catch my breath from after the run. Day 2. 1) Woke up earlier than day 1, 6am, read an article and then fell back asleep, think i needed it as yesterday was the busiest day i have during the week, (6 hours of uni and 7 hours of work) 2) Meditated for 10 minutes the traditional way i meditated, and then 5 minutes of belly meditation. Highly, highly highly recommend belly meditation which the Tao says, it's known as belly breathing. Also found that it's important to breath through your nose as it warms the air when it enters your lungs, very interesting and connects with the breathing of cold air when i ran yesterday. I actually feel like a new man. Also, meditating with headphones on though a high capacity and high quality sound-card to the sound of rain in a Forrest is also amazing.
Perfected a new recipe today didn't do anything really new but did some stuff I haven't in a while went for a walk around town and thought about my future and plans for the future nothing reel deep or anything but didn't just let my mind wander or go blank eather
Day 3 1. I stayed up till like 6 am talking and playing games with old friends. I had not done this in so long, but now I am so tired. Time for naps. 2. As I was driving 3 hours to see said friends, I took about 15 minutes to reflect on what I need to do this summer and what I want to happen with this summer.
6/4 ❃ ❀ ✿ ❁ ✾ I: I recognized a foul mood within an hour of waking up and entirely saw through it, I pierced through the veil of ignorance that the mood was emanating from and realized I was afraid. Afraid of failure, afraid of not reconnecting with important people in my life. I wasn't really upset, I was scared. With the light of awareness and knife of introspection I was able to dissect the mind state from its roots. In so doing I strengthened the love within my heart. Essentially weakening the grip of the darkness on my life. This was out of the ordinary to overcome such a mental state so quickly and feel relief. Moods like this have led to a binge in the past. II: I pondered during meditation that I would meditate better if I wake up earlier and meditate before eating anything. Food in the stomach interferes with sitting meditation and prevents one from focusing single-mindedly as best one can.
Day 3 Part 1 Yesterday I did my first hour of community service, it's nothing compared my classmates, but it's cool for me. Shuffled some books around an helped organized. I felt really productive. Part 2 Yesterday I thought about the day in general, just reflection. I looked back and I was really satisfied. I had fun, talked to many people, and I'm happy to say I'm making the most of my last days in Texas.
Today I woke up and before eating breakfast or anything I did a cardio workout for 20 minutes. At first o didn't feel like it but it really gave me the energy to get through my day and I overall just felt better Part 2 Going to try out this guided mediation app I downloaded and just relax for 15 minutes. I find meditating before bed to be very helpful.
6/4: Day 4 1) Today, I have to admit, I wasn't the best at staving off the autopilot. A lot of John Oliver YouTube watching. I did,however, do some constructive things; I did some really great studying and cooked a big-ass pot of butternut squash curry. I'll try to do better tomorrow by waking up early and working out. 2) It may have something to do with the YouTube that I was watching today, but I was thinking to myself earlier about my future career. I want to do something that both appeals to me and helps people. I think I shouldn't sacrifice my values for a big paycheck. In the end, I think, the sum of the things you do defines you, not so much what you believe or vices you have. The decisions and contributions you make, I think, show your worth.
Started a new book today On my way to work have thought to what I had read just started it but so far it's a good and interesting read
Day 4 Part 1 At a wedding so that was certainly not on autopilot, even though it was the third wedding I had been two in three weeks. But in this one there was dancing which was awesome. I got to reconnect with some old friends and slow dance with some girls just as friends which was fun. Part 2 I drove three hours back from 11pm-2am. I did some good reflection of where I am and who I want to be.
Day 5 of June Part 1: Took a morning to relax since today is Sunday. Planning to do something different today. Part 2: During my thinking time I realized that it is wrong to think about the no PMO challenge as difficult. Yeah hard mode could be not easy, but to stay away from P? I decided that whenever I have an urge I will just get away from every device that could lead to watching P again.
It's called meditation studio. It's a iOS app. It's pretty good so far with loads of meditations from breathing to changing habits.
Day 4 Part 1- Managed to wake up at 4 AM and exercise...The rest of the day was autopilotty..Maybe I need to be more organized and plan ahead...Today also I managed to focus on some academic stuffs for about 15 minutes. Part 2- Tried to meditate, but while meditating, my mind went autopilot for sometime, I reflected on the fact that I'm healing again..I sincerely wish that I remain ever mindful of the pains I endured after the last relapse..Its just that sometimes, when everything seems to be getting good, I feel like.."Coyote, things are getting better, you can afford a bit of fantasizing"..I don't want to lean on such issues this time, so I reminded myself of the pain and terrible things that happened during my addict days..and reflected upon it for a while.. Stay strong my comrades! Take care!
6/5 I: I settled upon an alternate mode of overcoming feeling low other than physical exertion, aromatherapy. I was able to think outside the box about using essential oils to provide my senses some holistic relief without escaping to alcohol and in turn fapping. II: I contemplated the fleeting nature of existence and how having strong worldly desires blinds one to the brevity of a human lifespan. Which will it be? Remain entangled in cyclic existence or free oneself from the cage. This is no easy matter to think over, most prefer to remain covered by their warm blankie of earthly desires.
June 5th: I tried to burn a disc today. I failed as expected and it cost me 10$ but whatever I guess >.> 2. Just more of the same ol' self-hatred. I'm pretty sure dedicating time to think only makes my thoughts worse. Oh, I realized that once I graduate this week I'll officially have no friends irl. Since I was always too autistic to ask for a number or way to contact them outside of school. That's always fun.
Part 1- Today I woke up and made my bed for the first time in years lol. Also before leaving bed I did some meditation for 10 minutes. Part 2 - Before bed I'm going to just sit and just read a few pages of the power of now by Eckhart Tolle. It time that I finish it.
