Hello, I am 23. First post! Need serious guidance.

Hello to all you wonderful people who will read this message. I have decided to come back here and actually post something this time.

I can't stop it. It has been years. I read stories of how people go for 10+ days without a relapse, but I can't even go 2-3 days. The longest streak I've had was for 6 days in the last 13 years. I want to quit for good. I know if I just stop for a certain period, I wont be able to go that long again.

Today was the day I realized I am getting worse. It was the first time I did it at work! I am not that type of person! How could this happen!? I need to stop it now before I do something so stupid.

Things I think hinder my progress are my health and environment. I suffer from a disease that limits how much I can do physically, and I live in an abusive household. I cannot leave for the disease mentioned earlier, I need help living and can't do it on my own, yet. It is my goal to someday. Back to the point, I have noticed my tastes getting worse and worse, and it scares me. I used to be such a nice person, and now I just hope someday I can go back to being the old me. I have disgusting tastes in the types of online videos I watch. I disgust myself. Maybe this is why I do so bad? I don't tend to forgive myself. Do I even deserve self- forgiveness?

How do you guys do it? I have tried so many things. I tried walking it off, i have tried cold showers, i tried blocking all my sites but working in technology I outsmart myself in times of "need". I tried talking with a parent and sibling. Nothing works. I always, always relapse. I have considered getting rid of my devices all together, but I need them for work.

My new plan is simple. I am just going to try not to think about the videos, my habits, and focus on other hobbies. In times where I feel the need, I will press that panic button so hard my bookmark might break. I will avoid long warm showers.

 

Thanks! Lets do it. I am starting tonight. I will see you tomorrow where my counter will be one higher.

 

I have not, thank you for more resources. I am on day one and already feeling it.