Hello world

Hello.
I would like to tell you my story of beginning with this sort of "Self" Therapy.
I truly believe i have the strenght within me to complete this task, and will finally.. after so many failed attempt of quiting my porn addiction, start with living the life that was ment for me.
I would love to connect with people that are going trough the same s*.
In my eyes we can learn a lot from eachother, and help eachother to be motivated, and stay foccused on the main goal. Living a clean and happy live, without guilt,shame , and bad habbits. Instead archieve an open mind, no dirty toughts wich makes you ashamed ( of yourself) But instead having toughts that will let you be the best person you can be. And hopefully you get the best out of people around you via this mindset. To smile and be happy again, and make people around you smile , and bring happiness troughout the world.
So here is the (Short) story of my life.

It really gave me a good feeling of knowing that (i.m.o) an great artist like Kanye west shared his story of porn adiction. I can relate to his story because i also was at a really young age discovering porn. I believe i was 9. We had a basement in our house and i remember playing there as a little kid. I always played role models as a kid. I had a lot of fantasy.. To bad this innocent mind, was soon prepared for a long life of a mind based on guilt. Under the staircase i found an book. With girls. And it wasnt the kind of book you want to read to your kids before going to sleep. Yep, you guesses right. It was a porn magazine.
I did not know much about sex. Only that older people liked it. But not me, i was just playing, discovering the world.
But what i did know was that this book gave me a feeling that was completely new to me. It was sort of exciting. You know, the same feeling you got as a kid when you cant sleep because you know next wheek it's your birthday. The only thing you can think of are the presents you will get. Your whole mind is filled with excitement. Well, even tho it was still a long time for my birthday, i got the same feeling from this magazine.
I remember being scared of being caught, because i knew from that time this magazine was not bought for me. It was for older people. They like sex , right.
I quickly closed the magazine again, pretending i did not know of its whole exsitence.
But when i tried to continue my day, with playing with things kids like to play to ( You know, , video games , hide and seek, that kind of things) I felt a stronge urge to return to the magic spell of the magazine for adults. That's the first time i masturbated. I was 9 years old. Can you believe that. I was supposed to play outside.
Now i was trapped in a habbit, not realising it would define the rest of my life as an adult.
As i grew up i started to get interested in real girls. I can call myself very lucky i really felt love in my life. But love is not enough for a good relationship. Girls just like having sex with a guy she loves. Also years later, was the beginning of the internet, where things couldnt get better!) Now there was a whole wide world of porn magazines. I didnt develop a lot of good skills, but i believe if i studied air planes for all this years, instead of getting laid to watching porn, i would be a great pilot this day.)
So instead of breaking the habbit of watching porn, and invest my time in a healthy relationship, and discover healthy sexual connection with a real woman, i decided that was to complicated, and remained going the easy way. Later on she broke up with me, not knowing why for a couple of years. This happend to me again 4 years later, i was a bit older. 21 years i think. Still the same pattern, even tho i was really lucky of getting a lovely girl again, and a second change. I did not learned anything, because i did not aknowledge i had a real problem with my sexual drives.
I tought it was normal to watch porn as a teen. But i just cant believe that is true. Maybe it is normal these days, but it sure is not healthy!
After 5 years of having depresions, alcohol/smoking abuse, ( After my second girlfriend broke up because i was not being the kind of man i want to be )and after a lot, and by this i mean a LOT of fuckedup shit i have seen in porn, i decided i need to live a clean life , because i knew this was not bringing me anywhere but the darkest places. I decided to quit alcohol abuse ( I was drinking 5 days a wheek, without food, untill my body said enough.) I did it. I only drink when im with friends now, and i think for me that's Ok. Its no problem at this time. I also quit smoking. And started to do weightlifting and running. I never felt so alive. Then i realised i still had one obstacle in my life thats keeping me for feeling happy. Porn. I think from all the bad habbits and addictions i had this one has to be the worst. To be honest, after quitting smoking and alcohol, i also tried to quit this habbit. But it has been 3 years from now. And nothing i tried has helped so far. I started doubting my own strenght. How is this possible.. I quit drinking, quit smoking, started running and fitness. Made a huge different in both mental and physique state. But i cant quit porn!? What is wrong with me.
It has been since this year i realised maybe strenght and willpower is not enough. I had to accept, this addiction with such strong energy is behind my human powers. And this is the last, and only mountain that is to high for me to climb on my own. Everytime i try to climb it , and think i can see the horizone again, I fall back really hard. My back has been broken a couple of times, and im getting tired. The way i climbed the mountain did not work for me. The more times i tried, the more i feel weak. Started to think. What if this is not the right path to climb over the mountain? Why do i get lost in the dark, and i fall back so many times? Am i to weak? Is this mountain just to high, and will i never reach the top? Or do i just have to be smarter then the mountain. Knowing the mountain is just an obstacle.
I think i need an new compass. And maybe some compagnons who would help me to travel, teaching eachother the ins and outs. Care about eachother when it's getting harder. Helping eachother on the way to reach our final destination. The top of the mountain, to build our home.

I believe we will one day.

Regards,
Pigeon.

 

Thank you very much guys! I really appreciate your kind comments and advice!
I am on the right path. I did not fall for the seduction this wheek, so i am really planning to keep on going.
Now i read your comments i feel motivated again. Thank you <3