Hey, I'm Dogmatico.

So, I'm not entirley new to NoFap. I have been struggling with the cause for 3 years now after finding out about NoFap. Simply put I know I am a porn addict, and a horrible one at that. I sacrafice relationships, friendships, reputation ect. All for the sake of porn and my fetishes.

At the age of 8 years old, (I'm 22 now, nearly 23.) I started watching porn, well looking at pictures of cartoon girls ect from the shows I used to watch at a young age. From there it slowly branched off through the years, I remember asking my friends in school if they watched it. They thought I was weird and way out of bounds even at that age. One of my mates told their parents, after that I was not allowed to come around the house anymore. This was at the age of 12. That should've been the realisation then and there, but you know.. at the age of 12 what the hell would I have known? Throughout highschool and primary, I was a fat kid. I'm talking 130-140kg, you could imagine what I went through going through the school systems. I think partly why I indulged so much into porn was that it was a release, all I did was play video games and watch porn through my teen years. Until I had a breaking point.

One morning at the age of 16 I decided I was going to lose weight. Long story short, I went from a fat kid to a ripped bloke at the age of 17, ready for for my graduation. Everything was good to go, I was a reformed person. In my mind anyway, saying that porn continued through the years, at the age of 18 I had my first kiss, my mind was warped. I destroyed that kiss with the thoughts of sex. (Virgin at this point) I had no way in my mind to rationlise the stages of progression. I ended up losing my virginty to a somewhat milf that took advantage of me after I had taken a pinga, went to the clubs. She picked me up, took me to her house at 2am. We were supposed to have sex that night, low-and-behold, my first experience with erectile dysfuntion. I ended up having to pleasure her and leave, I was so confused why this was happening to me. I had no idea it was porn at the time.

Time went on, I hit the age of 19, I had already moved towns back to my hometown 1400km away. Leaving all my friends behind, starting work in the new place. I indulged myself in tinder, meeting with girls, treating them like goddess's. Because I thought thats what needed to be done, at this time. I was very good looking, but my confidence was destroyed still from being a fat kid. (For anyone that does not know, weightloss does not fix everything. If there were any imperfections whilst I looked at myself, it resided in the back of my head, day in day out. It is always there. Even presently.) This is where it gets hairy, my porn addiction went deep, I had nothing else to do. I found everything boring but porn. Obviously hooked on the dopamine fix. So I indulged more and more, ending up asking girls on tinder to treat me badly. My fixation and fetish that I had ended up with was cuckolding. This continued with 3 girls I had met, Girl number 1, met her once. I liked her but she was keeping me on the side while seeing another guy, I didn't realise this. But when I found out, I was torn in half but at the same time I was excited. It was the next stage of dopamine release for me. She continued to tell me about things she was doing with the guy she was seeing, teasing me. Treating me as her bestfriend and also a deviant man with a fetish about her having sex with other guys. This ended badly, I opted out and said I couldn't do it anymore. Lost contact with her, which in hindset is a good thing. The next girl, I felt no attraction or love or anything. I had just wanted her to use and abuse me, I was getting her weed, paying for her meals, driving her around. All the while she was not giving me anything, she altho did try. But again I couldn't get my dick up without the thought of her fucking other guys. Ended badly once again, because I had hooked into a new girl again. This one I had a relationship with for 1 year. Living together 8 months out of that year...

(Age 20-21) This one, damaged the fuck out of my mental state, I went from a ripped guy with some confidence, to nothing. By the end of it I was broken, I was forcing cuckolding onto her, even though she enjoyed the idea, she did not want it to go the way I wanted. Fast forward through the year, we had a lot of troubles throughout it. Screaming matches, confidence issues, no-hard-dick inssues, unless she was playing into my game. I thought I loved her, but it was her willingness to play along that I loved. She finally broke one night, gave her co-worker a blowjob while I was at home. I had no idea either, 1 week on. For some reason I woke up in the morning next to her, keep in mind I don't look through other peoples things. But this morning I had a weird feeling, I opened up her phone. Went through her snapchat, boom.. She was asking the guy when they were going to fuck again. Now you would think I would be happy or angry. But I had no idea what I was, the moment I read it. I jumped up, looked at her while she was sleeping and jerked off to the snap conversation. The moment I came, I felt pure dread, I watched her personality melt infront of me. I started yelling, she woke up. I could see her reaction when she saw me with her phone. IT was so fucked, everything was so fucked. I can't even express what it felt like to jerk off to a SO and then to hate her for it. Something I was after, this is my reality. My mental state is so torn. We argued for 3 days, we decided that we best split. But this was the killer, the whole time we were trying to act as now friends, I was still drilling her on the details of the encounter. I found out from her she was fucking him and doing everything under the sun whilst consoling me and telling me she just needed time to work things out. IT was such a mess, I still can't describe it all because It was too confusing, so I have put it to the back of my head. Leading on from her, I have not met with a girl, nor talked to one seriously, or had sex since then.

I'm 22 now, it's been year or more of trying to recover, I took up weed heavily again, drinking 6-10 beers a night to go to sleep. Smoking cigarettes. I became fat again, my self-esteem is nearly non-existant. If I wasn't in my line of work I would have nothing. I even had to move to my families place, I couldn't stand being by myself anymore. It's a full restart. 5 days ago was newyears, I made a promise not to pmo, not to continue this fucking cycle. Guess what, last night and this morning I broke that. You know why? My reasoning was because I saw a couple pics on the web here and there and I had told myself, "Well I can't not pmo because I didn't have a streak of not seeing anything yet." You see how the mind fucks around like that? Fuck porn, fuck it all. I hate myself for me, 15 years I've been watching this shit. I need to be done with it, I can't go on like this. This is the first time I'm taking NoFap seriously. I know I want to change, my heart tells me this. My gut tells me this, but my brain man.. my brain is the addict here. It's time to put an end to it. Start a fresh, this is my year. It has to be, no more cycles, no more fucking around, no more feeling sorry for myself, just get up and get going.

Thank you, I will be doing a journal every day for now on, on my page. I hope to see some of you on here.

Cheers, The Dogmatic Aussie.

 

Thank you for reading, it will be a long way to go yet. But ya gotta start somewhere right? Thanks for the warm welcome mate, much appreciated. Hopefully I will be sticking around this time. The new life is in the making.