How to deal with a breakup?

happy camper

happy camper

Fapstronaut
So I was seeing someone for a couple months virtually. I have never felt such a rapid connection with a woman in my life. We went from 0-100 really quick! The connection was undeniable. It had been forever since I've felt like this about anybody! I thought she was "the one" on more than one occasion. Things were going well until we started talking about the future, possibly our future together. I guess our visions didn't align and then she broke up with me over text : ( She said she was too anxious because I didn't have a "plan" and that to her it seemed like I was just winging it through life (maybe I have been). Any tips to get over her? It's been a couple of weeks and I went on a date last weekend to try and get over it but while I was on the date, all I could think about was her.

Her words just made me realise that I have so many things that I said that I would do but I haven't quite been able to get them done. I've recommitted to those goals and have been trying to get them done, not for her but for myself. I lost momentum on those goals and it's been quite difficult to regain that. Even now, I'm typing this instead of doing the work I need to.

If anyone has any advice at this point, I'll gladly take it.
 
It's hard to lose a connection like that, but you'll be good. Just regain the time needed to work on your goals. It's better to focus on yourself rather than date around right now while you are still hooked on an ex. Get your head straight and decide when you want to get out there.
 
happy camper said:
So I was seeing someone for a couple months virtually. I have never felt such a rapid connection with a woman in my life. We went from 0-100 really quick! The connection was undeniable. It had been forever since I've felt like this about anybody!
Click to expand...
You know you can't comprehend someone virtually.
You can know her interests and her basic behaviour , probably a compatible personality
but you can not know her flaws, her reactions , her bodylanguage , the moments in wich she lied to you , the moments when she wrote you something just to make you happy.

Do you really think you fell in love with her? I think you have fallen in love with the mental image you have made of her .
I really think this type of love is a blind love , where one builds mentally a perfect Angel ,the woman of his dreams, similar interests, wonderful conversations.
But how can it be a real love a self made love, built with emotions rather than memories.

the mind creates perfection with the distance and the imagination, but the reality of the couple is different.
I hope you are ready to stand up to my frank and profound criticism
 
happy camper said:
So I was seeing someone for a couple months virtually.
Click to expand...
Don't waist your time with virtual woman. If you are not going to see each other after the fisrt or 2nd contact she is probably using you for attention and validation.

happy camper said:
I have never felt such a rapid connection with a woman in my life. We went from 0-100 really quick! The connection was undeniable. It had been forever since I've felt like this about anybody! I thought she was "the one" on more than one occasion.
Click to expand...
You never saw this woman in real life. She can't be the one. You put her in a pedestal so quickly. She can be a dude... with a woman picture as a profile.. be aware of that.

happy camper said:
Things were going well until we started talking about the future, possibly our future together.
Click to expand...
You never met her in person and you are talking about the future??? don't you see what is going wrong here?

happy camper said:
I guess our visions didn't align and then she broke up with me over text : ( She said she was too anxious because I didn't have a "plan" and that to her it seemed like I was just winging it through life (maybe I have been)
Click to expand...
It can be the fact that you don't have goals, woman love driven guys with goals and ambitions, but another thing was that you never met in person and you are already talking about future, woman will run from this also if they are not feeling it.

happy camper said:
Any tips to get over her?
Click to expand...
Work on yourself. have goals and ambitions. Have a life worth living it and that woman are just a compliment to it, when you are dating a woman great, when you are not your life is great too. You need to have and amazing happy life with or without a woman in you life.

happy camper said:
It's been a couple of weeks and I went on a date last weekend to try and get over it but while I was on the date, all I could think about was her.
Click to expand...
Trying to get yourself busy with other woman, is like trying to quit smoking by eating a lot.

happy camper said:
Her words just made me realise that I have so many things that I said that I would do but I haven't quite been able to get them done.
Click to expand...
This is good, use that to fuel your body to do stuff. Put some goals for yourlsef in the board and go after them.
When you are to busy going after your goals, womans are going to fade away from your mind. Only give the time a day to woman that want to be with you, the ones that flakes... remove them from your life and brain. Don't waist time with them.

happy camper said:
I've recommitted to those goals and have been trying to get them done, not for her but for myself.
Click to expand...
Don't try, get them done. Work on them, make them happen.

happy camper said:
I lost momentum on those goals and it's been quite difficult to regain that.
Click to expand...
It's like a snow ball, is hard to push it when in rest but once is rolling downhill is hard to stop.
 
Jtstill423 said:
It's hard to lose a connection like that, but you'll be good. Just regain the time needed to work on your goals. It's better to focus on yourself rather than date around right now while you are still hooked on an ex. Get your head straight and decide when you want to get out there.
Click to expand...

Thanks man, that's the plan. To focus on my own healing and on my goals.

I tried to go out on a date or two but will probably hold off on dating around for a bit while I get back on track. Appreciate you reaching out and hope you are sticking to your NoFap goals. Don't give up, you'll crack the code and break free soon enough. Consistent effort is key. Focus on building the new and not so much on fighting the old. That's what worked for me. Substitute old bad habits with new good ones.
 
palindromo said:
You know you can't comprehend someone virtually.
You can know her interests and her basic behaviour , probably a compatible personality
but you can not know her flaws, her reactions , her bodylanguage , the moments in wich she lied to you , the moments when she wrote you something just to make you happy.
Click to expand...

I think you may be right that I wouldn't be able to gauge her completely over video chat but I guess it had been a while since I experience such a connection so I guess it felt good until it all came crashing down

palindromo said:
Do you really think you fell in love with her? I think you have fallen in love with the mental image you have made of her .
I really think this type of love is a blind love , where one builds mentally a perfect Angel ,the woman of his dreams, similar interests, wonderful conversations.
But how can it be a real love a self made love, built with emotions rather than memories.
Click to expand...

I agree that I may have fallen for this "image" that I had of her in my mind but I am grateful to her for bringing me back to earth and grounding me in some way. It's weird because she was the one being more realistic than I was, I was overlooking her flaws and mind you we all have them, it's just whether we are willing to take on the scars and baggage of the other person. I guess she wasn't ready to take on mine and chose to walk away. I understand it.

palindromo said:
the mind creates perfection with the distance and the imagination, but the reality of the couple is different.
I hope you are ready to stand up to my frank and profound criticism
Click to expand...

Appreciate you being frank with me. Wouldn't have it any other way.
 
p1n1983 said:
Don't waist your time with virtual woman. If you are not going to see each other after the fisrt or 2nd contact she is probably using you for attention and validation.

You never saw this woman in real life. She can't be the one. You put her in a pedestal so quickly. She can be a dude... with a woman picture as a profile.. be aware of that.

You never met her in person and you are talking about the future??? don't you see what is going wrong here?

It can be the fact that you don't have goals, woman love driven guys with goals and ambitions, but another thing was that you never met in person and you are already talking about future, woman will run from this also if they are not feeling it.
Click to expand...

I may have not met her in person but she's from my city and would eventually come back here after a few months. So it's not like I would never meet her. We video chatted and we've got many friends in common so I definitely know she's not a dude LOL.

And we matched on a dating app because we were looking for similar things, including but not limited to a long term relationship. But I can understand your apprehension about long distance, I vowed to myself that I would never do it again but again there I was, falling for this girl that yes maybe I put her on a pedestal but the fact is that our connection was undeniable and she even agreed with me on that.

p1n1983 said:
Work on yourself. have goals and ambitions. Have a life worth living it and that woman are just a compliment to it, when you are dating a woman great, when you are not your life is great too. You need to have and amazing happy life with or without a woman in you life.
Click to expand...

It's not that I don't have goals or ambitions, mine were just different from what she was expecting. I can't please everybody and I'm not going to change the direction of my life for somebody I just met a few months ago. Ideally want to find someone who understands what I'm trying to do and is supportive of me no matter what. Not that her affection is conditional on my success or whatever. Then again, I am an idealist so I guess that's just my own expectations of what I think my partner should be like.

p1n1983 said:
This is good, use that to fuel your body to do stuff. Put some goals for yourlsef in the board and go after them.
When you are to busy going after your goals, womans are going to fade away from your mind. Only give the time a day to woman that want to be with you, the ones that flakes... remove them from your life and brain. Don't waist time with them.

Don't try, get them done. Work on them, make them happen.

It's like a snow ball, is hard to push it when in rest but once is rolling downhill is hard to stop.
Click to expand...

Yep I'm working towards my own life goals and I'm certain that the right woman will come into my life at the right time. Even though it has been a few tough weeks, I think I'm on the right track of getting over my ex-gf.

Thank you for your input, I appreciate it.
 
happy camper said:
Thanks man, that's the plan. To focus on my own healing and on my goals.

I tried to go out on a date or two but will probably hold off on dating around for a bit while I get back on track. Appreciate you reaching out and hope you are sticking to your NoFap goals. Don't give up, you'll crack the code and break free soon enough. Consistent effort is key. Focus on building the new and not so much on fighting the old. That's what worked for me. Substitute old bad habits with new good ones.
Click to expand...

Losing a good connection like that sucks, but there’s plenty more where she came from. Take it from someone who had a connection like that and let the girl run amok in his mind. She’s out of the picture, but it was a tough few years to get over her. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Cheers, mate!
 
Looks like a lot of good responses here.

I would just like to add things which I find helpful for dealing with a breakup

- Exercise helps (lots of others have said similar)
- Staying busy if possible
- Reconnect with family and friends
- A bit of self improvement wouldn't hurt (there are loads of great books)

Well done for sticking to your NoFap goals (well I assume you are!)
 
HiLoNeo said:
Looks like a lot of good responses here.

I would just like to add things which I find helpful for dealing with a breakup

- Exercise helps (lots of others have said similar)
- Staying busy if possible
- Reconnect with family and friends
- A bit of self improvement wouldn't hurt (there are loads of great books)

Well done for sticking to your NoFap goals (well I assume you are!)
Click to expand...

Thanks for chiming in @HiLoNeo : )

Have been exercising regularly and currently reading 'Atomic Habits'. I've been sticking to my daily routine and also to my NoFap goals 110%.

What's really been helping me the most is journalling. So much more clarity of my own thoughts. I do not go back and read my journal though, it's more of an exercise is purging as an act of catharsis. Through that I am able to understand some of the root causes of my past addictive behaviours. Very liberating to finally have clarity and closure.

My theme for this year is to deal with things in a healthier way and journalling is my top recommendation for anybody who is trying to do the same. Longhand journalling, putting pen to paper. There's something different about that as compared to typing. Try it for yourself though, don't take my word for it.
 
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