How to interact with a girl I find attractive who isn’t available??

I treat all women equal and as if they are friends. The beautiful ones are a bonus for me because I do appreciate the way they look, but they don't get any special treatment. I'm interested in them as a person, not on how they look.
Dating is a different story, it would be hard for me to date someone that I did not find attractive. They don't have to be beautiful, but they should be pretty and most importantly, I want them to be fun to be with.

 

If you have attractive co workers or customers that are not interested in you for whatever reason, just treat them professionally and with courtesy. You have to be around them for your job so treating them professionally is always your best bet. You would not want to do anything at your job that could jeopardize it in any way.

As for women you meet at social events that are not interested in you, just treat them nicely. Okay so you won't get to sleep with them but no reason you could not be friendly with them. And keep in mind the taken girl may have a single friend and if you are nice to the taken girl it may lead to her introducing you to her friend.

You have to keep in mind these women that don't want you did nothing wrong, the issues you are dealing with are yours and you need to find a way to work through them, maybe therapy or just talking to people about it.

 

Be careful interacting with female co-workers. Depending on the policies of your employer, you could get in trouble. Even if the girl you're interacting with is OK with your attention, ANYONE else who sees you and thinks it's inappropriate could report you. Trust me on this.

 

Yes, I have some advice that might help you. I have many female friends, some of whom I am attracted to. They know it, and I openly assume it. This doesn't prevent us from being friends at all. It's even quite flattering for them.

I think you should try to understand where this pain comes from because you can be attracted to a woman, never have a relationship with her because you're friends, and still be very happy.

A large part of your relationships is primarily the relationship you have with yourself. The more you take care of yourself, the less you need people, and particularly women, to have something to cling to. So, the happier you are. And if I have to add one thing, the cooler your relationships will be because women will see that you are comfortable with yourself and that you're not going to take things from them but, on the contrary, bring a lot to their own lives.
Also, the more you are surrounded by people who are good for you, and the less you negatively impact others.
By negatively impacting, I mean believing things would be better if you had relationships with women you're attracted to, thus forcing what shouldn't be forced: relationships. They see you trying to heal deep wounds like loneliness or a lack of self-love through relationships. It's not cool for them because they unconsciously feel that deep down, they don't truly matter to you; they just serve to make you feel a little less bad. While the best cure for these wounds is to take care of oneself.

But if there's one thing to understand from this message, it's that sexual or romantic relationships don't solve anything. If tomorrow you start sleeping with a different woman every day, you'll be just as lost, if not more so, than you are now.

On the other hand, cultivating a good relationship with yourself, genuinely being interested in others, being honest, asserting yourself, and generally opening up to others are real values that bring infinitely more in the long run.

A few years ago, when I felt pain or jealousy like you because I couldn't have the women I wanted, I told myself that the best thing to do was to take care of myself to be happy and impact these women as little as possible because it's primarily insecurities linked to childhood and not at all a reality.

Many people turn to external things to fill their emptiness and suffer a little less. In my opinion, and based on all the experiences I've had, this is a poor solution. On the other hand, it's important to show empathy and understand that everyone has their problems. And the more you forgive yourself for being human and having fears and insecurities, the more you forgive others, the better your relationships become. Again, I can't summarize everything in one message; it would take days to explain all this, as it's very personal to each individual.

 

It seems that much of the unhealthy expectations we place on others, the 'wanting' many of us have, is ultimately rooted in not learning how to properly take care of ourselves. To properly form a healthy identity.
As a society, we use money, relationship status, material things, etc to form identity.
These things are not stable or guaranteed.
Since we depend on externals to form our identity, we are at a loss when they do not materialize.

Instead, as you said, forming character and authenticity yield results that do not depend on shifting externals of the times.
Why should I put my well being into the hands of another, imperfect one? Why let the behavior of others pull the puppet strings of my life?
We should all learn to follow and stick to our conscience, and to truth as we best understand it.

 

Excellent post that summarizes everything I wanted to say above. For example many guys think that money attracts women, but it's the same thing; it's basing your worth on a sandcastle that can collapse at any moment. Not to mention that you can have money and have such a low self-esteem that it prevents you from enjoying life and being happy, so all of that is pointless.

I would add that it takes motivation and great courage to endure external sufferings and refocus inward.
Translation: Tomorrow a woman I idealize might reject me or sleep with my best friend instead of me, it takes courage to turn off my phone and for three months to start working out and eating healthily, learning to know myself rather than sending a hate message to my friend and harboring anger for this girl towards whom I had placed so many expectations.
Whereas from her side, there was no issue and she actually liked me. Now that won't be the case anymore, I've ruined a relationship because of my insecurities.

Taking care of oneself is healing from fears, becoming free in a certain sense. You do it for yourself but especially for your future relationships.
It doesn't mean cutting yourself off from the world and relationships. It's not because you take care of yourself that you stop going out and meeting people. That's just another way to avoid suffering, and avoidance is never the solution. You can take care of yourself and, precisely because you are doing so, meet people because you are on the path to happiness. You will continue to make mistakes, but you can be proud of this journey. The courage to face things should be encouraged and highlighted more, in my opinion.

 

i got a lot of pain for not following this principle.

 

It hurts a lot to know that even though you really like a girl, nothing will happen, but it's liberating to know that if nothing happens, it's not because you didn't try hard enough or because you should have done something differently. It's just the way it is, and it's not your fault.

 

I think in CBT terms, this mode of thinking is called personalization. Everything is a consequence of what I do. Everything revolves around me. That person acted that way bc I let them down. My action/inaction is the main determinant. Etc.
It is a kind of narcissism, in a way.
(Maybe you could call it a low-self esteem variant of narcissism.)

In learning more about CBT, I've come to see that most of the population succumbs to cognitive distortions and faulty thinking without awareness of it.
Emotional reasoning is one of these, that is also a weak point of mine.
It is essentially I FEEL, THEREFORE IT IS.
Eg, I FEEL I am being looked down upon or judged, so my defenses come up and I shut down, get self conscious, etc.


It explains much of what's going on with wokism and hypersensitivity today. ( I FEEL that person slighted me bc of my race, therefore it is racism. All other avenues of possible explanations are shut down).


I see this in NoFap and online discussions too. We are easily led by our feelings. Funny. For a society that so brags about our scientific/rational advances. We are often undisciplined puddles of mere emotion.

 

It's quite normal to feel doubts, everyone has them. If you don't have any doubts, that's when you should worry, especially in 2024 with everything that's happening in the world. Now, if you take care of yourself by adopting healthy habits and having more courage in your life, you can greatly reduce these thoughts to be freer.

At least, that has worked for me, I'm not saying it works for everyone

 

A great, mature, healthy mindset to aim for. You will go far! : )