Husband is getting rougher

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Missmadness, May 28, 2019.

  1. xvtc ctvx

    xvtc ctvx Fapstronaut

    That sort of roughhousing during sex is not okay if you are not okay with it. You need to tell him. I know it makes you feel uncomfortable but #1 your safety and #2 you will grow more and more resentful of the behavior and your sex will become totally toxic spreading to other parts of your relationship. It is best to just get it out there ASAP that you do not like the physical abuse in sex. These certainly are behaviors he learned from porn and standing in as a punching bag is not going to bring you all closer together. Sorry, you must let him know your limits, and he must respect them for you all to have a healthy relationship. I've been there - I didn't handle the best way, I just straight up left the relationship because I didn't want to have the uncomfortable conversation about rough sex. Nevertheless, it is not going to just "stop" it could become more intense and spread out of the bedroom if he infers that you like the domination.
     
    Missmadness likes this.
  2. Jackb97

    Jackb97 Fapstronaut

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    Maybe he thinks you are okay with it. Some girls actually like that shit. Just tell him. I really doubt he'll be offended.
     
  3. InnerFaith

    InnerFaith Fapstronaut

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    if you submit to that, you are not going to lead a happy life, or even a long and healthy life at all..
     
    Missmadness likes this.
  4. L'empereur

    L'empereur Fapstronaut

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    If I wasn't on the grind I would have come to pull his hair, go find someone who pull you correctly.
     
    Missmadness likes this.
  5. Missmadness

    Missmadness Fapstronaut

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    Thank you eveeyone for your advice i appriciate it
     
  6. Minsc

    Minsc Fapstronaut

    The best thing I can say is to seek professional counseling for you. Start building your support network so you have a better foothold to see if he'll get his own professional help. To me that sounds like the best short term solution.
     
    Missmadness likes this.
  7. Talk to him, if it doesnt help, then seek professional help.

    We all do really fucked up things sometimes but using violence is too far gone :/
    But really, does he love you, do you love him?
    If so, he should have no problems stopping.
     
    Missmadness likes this.
  8. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    @Missmadness i wanted to take the time to answer your thread because you have convinced me you are genuine and this issue can be devastatingly delicate or misinterpreted.

    While it’s not for all, dom/sub routines can be be playful but they do require more trust than “vanilla” sex. You sound like you trust your man, but not his judgment. Do I have that right?

    I can appreciate that dom role play is primarily about power and control; two things which experienced users have guidelines they follow for safety. The most important component of simulated rough sex is a safe word.

    The bottom line is, for your own safety and his, you need to establish clear rules for this or really any sexual activity to be safe.

    The clear boundaries or limits are needed to determine what’s inappropriate. For example , if I hate to be slapped in the ass, then the rule should be no slapping on the ass. Make it specific.

    I’m guessing (judging by your relationship length) perhaps it wasn’t determined this formally ever ... just sort of figured out where your boundaries were. If he cannot or will not respect it; then you need to enforce it.

    What do you feel would happen if you explained to him in order for special sex to happen there needs to be some new boundaries/considerations?

    Would he nodding his head in agreement or flip out at the accusation that he’s been harmful to you?

    I agree with the aforementioned ideals on being safe too. I just cannot tell how good his discernment is to know he’s in the danger zone.

    My fear for you is that he is dealing with emotions that are non-sexual during sex. For example frustration, anger or jealousy; any or these coming through in a power-mode while taking it out on your body during such a delicate moment is likely to be assault or worse.


    It’s easy to assume he’s blending world of porn with reality but you can read plenty of journals in here and find guys who show aggression outside of the physical/sexual realm because porn is how a PA deal with emotions. Sex is how an Sex addict deals with their emotions.

    I’m both Pa and SA, and As both the first thing we hate but admit we need , is boundaries. It makes everything fun if you think about it. But this blend of fantasy and having sex without rules turns us into very Laissez- faire.

    To correct this —-some guidelines, rules, and stop signs are very helpful— but as an addict we resist like its hellfire.

    Stay safe!!
     
    Tafi likes this.
  9. Missmadness

    Missmadness Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, for your advice i am geniuine dw i dont even want to be posting about my personal issues amd husbands but i found this site and alot of peoples stories resembled mine.

    i agree hes taking his frustration out on me, maybe when hes with me he cant PMO so resents me idk, since all this came out saturday 6 days ago weve had sex and hes finished normally 3 times that hasnt happened for a good 4 months and literally less than 10 in 2 years, i dont think this is a good thing tho, i dont know if we should even be having sex when hes trying to stop PMO and his PIED and PA i feel like im just a piece of meat to get him off now theres no intamacy. Its hes trying to prove something i suspect he went home and went straight back to it and now is over compensating idk.

    Its difficult i like dom/sub we never discussed it we met and it was boring sex for a whilse we were both young but we started experimenting more and enjoyed things, its a very recent thing where he goes to extremes and i think the more i say no or huet the more he likes it and i dont know if he has convinced himself its roleplay or i do like it, i have talked abit about it with him but with everything else we are dealing with i dont want him to just revert back to it if he hasnt already.

    Im sorry my posts are as confused as i am i understand people think i should leave call police but its just not that simple, your all here facing and issue im here facing an issue if i wanted to leave i wouldnt be here. If i wanted to call the police i wouldnt be here, im just looking for some outlet, where i can somehow work out how to deal with this, if it were just the violence then id be sitting him down and telling him he cannot do this its not acceptable, but i dont want to push him onto a darker path by making him feel even more shame and disgust and i am partly to blame for the roughness i enjoyed it till it went to far and when it did go to far i didnt express that straight away i tried to reson in my head that he got carried away he doesnt realise hes taking his stress out on me. Alot of you are more experienced in all this than i, i didnt know what PIED meant or dearh grip or even about porn addiction til about 2 weeks ago, i didnt fully know my husbands problems til last week my head hasnt even caught up to reality yet, im naive ill be the first to admit that ill ask stupid questions like should we be even having sex rn which most of you will know and i apologise if people think im wrong for the way im dealing with this but again we are all here dealing with something thank you again for all your advice even advice i dont take has made me think alot, i hope everyone here gets to the place they want to be tc.
     
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  10. Orest

    Orest Fapstronaut

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    wait does this happen only when you have sex?like roleplay or something? or does he do it outside of the bedroom?cause thats abuse!
     
  11. Orest

    Orest Fapstronaut

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    also doing maledom stuff without both of the partners consent and without discussing everything that is going to be done beforehand and before establishing a safe word, is rape!
     
  12. Jackb97

    Jackb97 Fapstronaut

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    Rape is a strong word.
     
  13. Orest

    Orest Fapstronaut

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    * so if you need your man to do all these things to you,you have to discuss all of these things! before doing anything!If he doesnt comply tell him he is not gonna touch you again this way!
     
  14. Orest

    Orest Fapstronaut

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    no its not! when doing bdsm you do all of these things beforehand and everyone who doesnt is a rapist!
     
  15. Jackb97

    Jackb97 Fapstronaut

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    No means no. Saying nothing means nothing.
     
  16. Jackb97

    Jackb97 Fapstronaut

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    What if you didn't discuss it but she liked it? Are you still a rapist?
     
  17. Orest

    Orest Fapstronaut

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    what do you mean by that?
     
  18. Jackb97

    Jackb97 Fapstronaut

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    Well if she says no or tells you to stop and you continue we can all agree that's rape but if she doesn't say anything how are you supposed to know to stop?
    A lot of girls say nothing and then say they were raped.
     
  19. Orest

    Orest Fapstronaut

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    yeah...you kind of are...for example,if you fuck an underage boy and he likes it is it still rape or not?or if a woman rapes a boy but then he likes it is it still rape or not? of course it is on both of these cases! the fact that someone likes it doesnt make it better! he/she could still go to the police and accuse you of rape and it would still be the right thing to do in my opinion!You need to ask for consent first thats the most important thing! the rest of them like safewords etc are still necessary but consent is the most important one!
     
  20. Orest

    Orest Fapstronaut

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    yeah! because you 1)didnt ask for their consent and 2)you didnt tell them what youre about to do to them
     

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