I don't want to desire friends anymore (Vent)

I'll start off by saying I've made improvements. I don't watch P anymore, and I'm not sending photos like I used to in chats. I had a good streak going and I've been dealing with loneliness better, but at night I feel awfully lonely and depressed.

I hug and kiss my pillow at night, it's really embarrassing. I feel that most people (except family, and even some of them has tried to use me) only are around me because of what I can do for them. I really just want a connection where the care is mutual.

This desire has slowly led me back to chat sites, and the worse part is I just waste precious sleeping time to try to find someone to talk to, someone who understands me. But they're all looking for instant gratification and leave when they get what they want.

I've been improving, I just don't want this desire anymore. I don't want the desire for friends, or the desire for a wife. They're getting in my way, I just want to move on with life alone, because most people are selfish.

 

Thank you... The thing is that I've been really focused lately. I occupy myself with work, school, personal projects, and helping around the house. I'm driven and okay with being alone during the day (for the most part). It just gets bad at night, and that's when I make most of my bad decisions or feel bad. I have the hardest time fighting these feelings at night, and if I give in I feel bad for the first half of the day.