I was once engaged to a porn addict. It was bad... that was over 10 years ago. We went to therapy, etc... but I left and knew I deserved better. I have dated many folks over the years, the longest relationship after that 6 yr relationship was 8 mths. I did my own therapy to do my internal work... and when I was at a good place... I met my current husband and we were married relatively quickly (Now I see that I probably should have slowed things down). He was very different than anyone I had ever dated. Gentle, affectionate, connected, we could talk, I trusted him (Note: I hate saying anything good about him right now due to my intense anger and hatred towards him right now). I told him about my trigger - porn. I told him it was fine if he had used it (since he was single for awhile and I saw it on his computer), but that it was my bottom line. He said he didn't need it while in a relationship, etc... (I should not have trusted him then). I have trusted him in our 3 yr relationship. I have never snooped or anything. I was looking a movie up on his phone this weekend and found a porn site... on incognito/secret mode. He denied it at first and then admitted it. He clearly knew how to keep it secret from me. He fessed up and said he has been doing it for 2 yrs and *acts* like he is ashamed. 2 out of the 3 yrs in our marriage. Maybe I knew though and I was just numb. He would keep his bathroom locked in the morning, I would knock and knock and that was his thing. He's fucking pathetic. His reasons are the stress that have been building (his company folded, job changes, taking care of family, loneliness, my deep funk due to how I hate my job, which saps his energy). I fucking hate him right now, deeply. If we did not have a mortgage and were not married, I would leave his ass (thankfully, no kids yet). He took it upon himself to find therapists to go to couples therapy. But I can't imagine how I could ever gain trust in him. I look at him and am completely disgusted, hurt, and just think he's trash just like all the other fucking men in this world. I regret never having experimented with women. I am an expert on being numb and I don't want to be. I don't know if I am capable of loving him, anymore. I'm not sure. I used to tout that he was my biggest success... finding love and him. Maybe he is my biggest failure. We met on an internet dating site, maybe that should have been a clue. He was unable to get it up during sex at first... maybe this is due to porn induced erectile dysfunction. I feel like I have been naive and have been living with a maniacal and conniving piece of shit. I also don't feel as vicious as I did with my last porn addicted partner. Like, I care for this guy (my husband). I just don't know if that means we should stay together. You can still love someone and they are not good for you or right for you. He has so many insecurities and is so hypocritical... He used to ask me and worry about how big the penises of my ex-partners were... etc... and although I have had ex-partners with larger penises (but no connection), I didn't put that in his face. I told him I loved him for him. I did. I used to. Now, I'm not so sure.