I lost my life and cant get it back

Im gonna chalk it up to this and try to not to take what im thinking right now serious

You are right there was a time when i was good, its gotta be possible. Theres no way i gotta be down and out forever

 

Thank you man. It messes with my mind heavily sometimes. Its a tug of war inside. The devil wins sometimes though. Idk why his pull feels stronger. Im trying to find strength. Im trying to get out of here. The issue is im not in a physical place where i need to walk out and leave. Im having a hard time walking out the mental darkness. Feels like im stuck in my mind and cant go anywhere

 

This is so hard to ignore man. Feels like i lost my soul. Every minute is so painstaking when before was smooth and beautiful. Im stuck on the other side of the dichetomy now wishing i could go back.

This is way out of my element. My temper is an extremely short fuse i can only hold myself up for so long then boom i crash back down. I dont know how to maintain consistent peace.

Everything about this is so weird. Why did i create this for myself, this is extremely unneccessary. Unbelievable man for real.

Lost all drive to live a meaningful life. Im just stuck here as a breathing vessel conciously aware of this torment.

 

Its hopeless at this point. I look in the forums and no one is dealing with this. Im practically the only one. I feel like such an incredible failure.

I wish my problem was just PMO like everyone else. Just PMO is so miniscule compared to this trust me ive experienced both. It feels like childs play reading through the forums

Theres seems to be no real healing from this. People advise counselling but i know thats all subjective and they can basically have no understanding of what im feeling. Most of it is based on societal opinions. They probably wont understand it. Most of them dont believe PMO is an addiction.

There is no help for this problem it seems. Everything i used to love i hate. I hate being young because i know i have to live with this for the rest of my days.

Its like everything in my life has been inverted and corrupted

What the actual hell... im stranded

 

I look through them and nothing in the past week is regarding this. Just basic stuff like how to quit watching porn. Thats why i say im practically the only one. Its an isolating feeling and lets me know what im dealing with is serious

Theres 2 other people ive seen my whole time being here

 

Yup just went throigh more threads and found nothing. Im probably one of the most extreme cases here. This is so lonely and isolating. I know i messed up big time. Im worth nothing at this point. Dont know how im supposed to handle all this.

Im just supposed to be like
Oh yeah i just did the most embarassing, heart wrenching, bizarre, shameful, uncomfortable thing in my entire life cool nothing to see here?

No amount of time detachs the fact that this happened. Just simply having this on my record and in my memory makes my life seem worthless.

 

Im not downplaying other brothers struggles on here but all i see is worries about fantasies. Knowing what i know now, if i was in that situation all id do is go back to my normal life and leave all that worrying behind and enjoy whats ahead.

Thoughts like that are so easy to control since theres nothing tangible invested in them.

I wish i was still in that stage. Youre still in the fight and theres drive to overcome at that point

 

Yes and i believe there was one other person in there who was talking about it. So thats 2 people

Yeah but im starting to think that just because others have done it and worse does that mean it will be okay? Maybe were all screwed. Once we do something that violates our identity so hard i think it can kill the essence of a man.

Im not sure if this is true or not but it feels like it.

Also id be more proud to overcome drug addiction than this. Id feel more personal sympathy towards myself.

This makes me so uncomfortable and has added loads of stress to my brain. Making life a very unpleasent experience. Im scared its gonna wipe out my old personality thats how bad it is.

 

Its like i entered into a dark world and experienced something i wasnt supposed to. I should have been more cautious and preserved my psyche. Its like ive damaged my entire mental willingly. Its so utterly stupid. I dont know what compelled me to willingly do this.

If it was just even a tad less extreme in my eyes id be over it by now. This gives me the jitters though

 

Yeah its so depressing though. Its kills an essence or innocence inside. Like i couldve gone my whole life journey without being exposed to this. I just have an overwhelming feeling of this was never supposed to happen. I dont know where im headed, im just observing my feelings and this is what they are

It also corrupts my perspective in such a negative and poisonous way, like anything potentially good or enjoyable gets corrupted by this inner darkness. Cant really explain it but it feels like a sick joke.

 

The problem is im deeply introspective, always have been. Im sure others could do something like this and just throw ir away the next week.

I think more deeply and it causes an existential sort of crisis. Also i was comfortable with my identity before.

This feels like a violate, creating a mental claustrophobia for any space this takes up in my mind.

I wanna indulge in other interests but this just blocks me from even continuing on. Its a road block.

I have that feeling you had as a kid when jason or freddy kreuger popped up on your screen, except with realism attached to it.

This is equivilent to a real life nightmare to me. I know from an outside perspective its not that great a deal, if i was dealing with someone else under the same guise i wouldnt even treat it this way.

This is just more than i can handle. I thought id be good cause usually i can handle a lot. This right here though shattered my will in ways i didnt know were possible.

 

What makes me not even want to reach for anything is that i know in my best state i ever reach possible it would be like half of what i couldve felt if this never happened.

Life is truly a gift. I remember how i felt before my conscience was torment. Literal bliss.

I cant forge an ideal life for myself under these circumstances which makes living a depressing chore more than anything now. Thats what ive been reduced down to