I lost my life and cant get it back

Sad story bro hope you get over it. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You’re still alive you can bounce back. This shits a joke, with god on your side who can touch you. You obviously aren’t putting your trust in god you are listening to the devil and his lies. He has you strapped in on a roller coaster straight to hell. Until you trust in god and believe in yourself you will be cursed with pain and depression. You made these decisions you have forgiveness. Now you can either ascend or descend choice is yours.

 

I've never acted out. I never even watched "extreme" porn before my first attack of HOCD. I was watching straight-up blowjob porn which at the time was my fetish of choice. I wasn't imagining being the female, I'm not even sure I was imagining being the male. I was simply a cuck watching the action on a screen. From there I got my first question on "is this gay?"... And for over a year I have been possessed with questions about who I am and what I like. Needless to say, I have been up and down nofap.com and other forums reading similar stories to mine in an attempt to feel better. (I love to find the stories where the fapper ends up saying that he's cured and no longer thinks about his past obsessions) I know this seems very fucking tame in comparison to your story but it might scare you to know that I still suffer from this thought that I had over a year ago. So... healing this will take time.

ANYWAY, i have some advice. After reading countless posts about HOCD and escalation, fetishes, warped sexuality, and shameful acts, mental health, OCD, dopamine, cortisol, etc... it has become clear to me that avoidance combined with self-loathing is the worst possible way to deal with your mental health issues and sexual compulsions. YOU ARE EFFECTIVELY MAKING YOUR SITUATION WORSE. The best way to deal with the bothersome thoughts in our heads & the emotions they cause is to accept them. Yes, acceptance, which is sometimes a controversial word here. Listen, our thoughts can behave like bullies. Bullies are empowered when you show them your fear. When you avoid them. They get off to your suffering brother. That's what's happening to you. It's what's happened to me as well. Our brains are real sons of bitches IMHO. Your brain doesn't care about what is wrong or right. It doesn't care about the truth. Your brain feeds off of stimuli. So every strong emotion is like candy for your mind. As long as you keep responding harshly, it will keep bringing up those same thoughts. You must confront the things that bother you and get comfortable with them. That's steps one two and three.

Quick anecdote/question - Have you ever told a lie to a parent, friend, boss, or authority figure and been so scared and anxious that they might find out? So terrified of the consequences? I have. I usually create fucked up scenarios in my head. Catastrophic stories of how things will be once I'm caught. I've also felt that strong sense of relief after the lie has been exposed and I don't have to keep it up any longer. - (This triggered my HOCD btw). The same thing happens when we confront our thoughts. We bring everything to the open and we can see that the things that terrified us really aren't so fucking scary. Thats what you need to do. I think people need to get to the point where we not only accept fault but accept that we are capable of some fucked up shit. It's in our nature to be evil, to be perverted, to have weird sexual thoughts. It's human. (It's also in our nature to be cool and good and stuff...) That's something I'm still coping with. I was in shock for so long because I couldn't believe what my mind was able to drum up. What thoughts could come into my mind at random points in my day. It terrified me. But with time I have learned that my mind is simply trash. Most likely due to all the fucking smut I've watched. I continuously try to accept it. And it helps. That's what you need to do. Come to terms with the fact that you've done something against yourself. Lean in and perhaps even get comfortable with the idea that you could do it again if you aren't careful. (Please don't do it again brother.) But running isn't going to help. Worrying isn't going to help. Beating yourself up isn't going to help. No need to "be honest with yourself" either. Make a choice for your life and stick with it. Or don't. The choice is ultimately yours on how you choose to lead the rest of your life.

It will take time before you feel like yourself again. But according to plenty of guys whose stories I've read up on, it's very possible to be happy again. Don't assume that you'll just feel better though. You have to be proactive in your own healing. I would read up on toxic shame or watch videos about how to deal with it. And REALLY try. Like REALLY fucking try. Faith without works is dead. This meaning that simply wanting things to get better is useless. A positive mindset alone won't get you anywhere neither will a negative one. Don't assume happiness just happens. No, you have to work for it just like most other good things in life.

One more thing. Don't expect the thoughts to just go away. They will be there forever. But with time and effort, you will have power over them. You'll be able to tell them to fuck off.

 

You really need to stop making these kinds of posts and take serious steps to beat this. Don't ask how it's possible, because others have already given all the help you could realistically need. Every time you post a thread you get a lot of support. Even the guy you were referring to earlier found the thread and commented without you tagging him directly, and he disproved a lot of what you said about it being impossible to get over your issue.

Look, anyone with two brain cells to rub together can figure out what you did simply by reading your posts and applying basic deductive reasoning. You already told me what you did in private messages. If you won't come out and say it then you will just be stuck, and it wont be what you did that made it that way, it will be your stubborn unwillingness to open up and your irrational paranoia. I say this not to cause offence but to be blunt, you are now just making excuses to get out of having to take the next crucial step because you have grown accustomed to feeling terrible about this. What you did may feel terrible but it is YOUR REACTION to it going forward that will keep you trapped, not the event itself. Until you realise this things wont change and you will create for yourself the hopeless scenario you think you already live in.

 

Don't get me wrong, I agree, but I genuinely believe the sooner OP can fully admit to what he did the sooner he can start to feel better. I'm not trying to be harsh, it just seems like he is going around in circles.

 

Agreed, I just hope OP starts to feel better soon.

 

OP is 22. So, I don't think his reaction is abnormal considering his age. Even at my age and the mildness of my "trigger" in comparison, HOCD turned my life upside down. Just my opinion, but this has moved out of the realm of physical to the mental. The subject of his torment is "acting out" but he's dealing with a messed-up mind. (forgive my lack of a medical degree) That's his sickness. He needs a therapist. You well-meaning folks on this forum have given him a few approaches at this point. But none of them are going to help him until he decides that he is worth helping or saving. Once he truly decides to get better, he's on his way to freedom. He has the power to fix his situation and have a healthy life. He just doesn't realize it or doesn't want to do the work.

I didn't want to do the work either. OP talked about his purity before and that resonated with me. Even though HOCD was my first sexual obsession after that I had thoughts about children and family members and even religious figures. Really fucking vile thoughts. I wondered if I was a monster at times. Or if I would be able to lead a "normal" life. I still worry. I worry about what thoughts I will have when I go outside or when I see my family or when I see children. What I'll think about on my wedding day or the first time I hold my child. (Assuming I have any of those things) It's terrifying at times. Thankfully this forum exists. I read up on other peoples struggles and they give me hope. So I move with faith that things can get better. But not actually being sure that they will. OP needs to do the same.

Think about getting a therapist. If not for yourself, for your parents. Or the future that you still want.