I need some insight about my porn viewing history.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Dvs123, Aug 18, 2019.

  1. Dvs123

    Dvs123 Fapstronaut

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    I haven’t posted here in a while but I feel I need to. I have OCD, this is something I’ve always had, even before porn. One of my “themes” is about Sexual Orientation, I don’t have many homoerotic experiences before porn, just an intrusive thought and a weird wet dream, but I had a wet dream with my mom so that probably doesn’t mean anything.
    I was 10 when I saw porn for the first time, during my childhood I had several opposite-sex attractions and when I really began watching porn at age 13 my first instinctive interest was straight porn, at the time videos didn’t interest me that much so I moved to erotica sex stories, that’s when I fell into the rabbit hole, incest, zoophilia, even pedoish stories, everything, including homoerotic stories, the first one I stumbled on accident got me aroused but I moved on, needless to say my OCD latched onto this, I began reading more and more stories, some did nothing and some did a little bit, eventually I stopped and started watching videos and porn began to turn into addiction, but not compulsively, until I started having intrusive gay thoughts.
    It took me some courage but I tried watching gay porn, it did nothing to me, in fact, kind of convinced me, but that wasn’t enough, I began testing more and more, I would watch gay porn aroused by other stimuli and when I had no prior arousal, the results were for the most part little to nothing with rare exceptions of more significant reactions, compulsively watching videos turned to compulsively looking at photos, photos got me more anxious and I began responding even more to this stimuli, I began doubting my orientation and my attractions, as of now I have had several reactions (movement on the groin, swelling, tingling, apparent but little increase) and 7-8 semi erections and boners looking at various photos and videos for the last 3.5-4 years.
    Sometimes I feel I’m repressed, cause most of my reactions are to new stuff that pop on the screen and anxiety isn’t really helpful on getting aroused, girls still pretty much arouse me, but I’ve never done anything serious with anyone, any girl, I’ve cut some stuff that happened outside porn as this is a porn related problem discussion.
    Porn didn’t give “HOCD”, but I think it was a trigger, I’m aware sexuality is a spectrum and I have no problem on being Bi, in fact I think I would rather be Bi and be sure than to live this life of doubt.
    To set an example, I would search images of guys on the internet, very feminine guys, and try to get my self an erection, I would feel anxiety and a swelling feeling and go check on my dick, my dick would be noticeably bigger than a flaccid neutral penis but not aroused to a point of a semi, so technically still flaccid, my penis would feel much rigid as well but still on this visually flaccid state.
    I know this sounds crazy, but I really don’t where I fit and if I should really bother to fit anywhere, I can fap to almost anything including homoerotic stuff, but fapping in fapping. Could you guys help?
     
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2019
  2. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

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    Do what you have to to stop porn use and you’ll find out what you really are. Don’t you see that? It’s difficult but necessary. Accept it is difficult and stop the Porn.
     
    Dvs123, Roady and MadJackMcMad like this.
  3. Dvs123

    Dvs123 Fapstronaut

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    Could it be something deeper? Maybe beyond porn
     
  4. topjobm8two

    topjobm8two Fapstronaut

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    No one in this planet can tell you that.

    I was having issues with my wife. I didn't know if we were in love, I didn't know if I wanted to be with her. But I had this secret. I had to get rid of porn first.

    You have to remove the false input to see who you are. Everything is clouded now. Don't make excuses for why it might be something deeper. That's your brain hoping you don't have to do the real work of recovery. Gl.
     
  5. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Great advice. Porn unzips the soul of our dna. You do it long enough you doubt everything good about yourself and your world.
     
    Ajikan, Dvs123, Roady and 1 other person like this.
  6. GaryMayor

    GaryMayor Fapstronaut

    Just stop watching porn and masturbate. You don't need to answer this question so far. A lot of straight guys here have episodes with homosexual content. A lot of straight guys have homosexual experiences as well - mostly as some kind of replacement, for example in prisons, army or during early puberty. It is not a big deal. It is not a major issue you need to focus on, really.

    PS. I think you are not gay or bi, but rather confused by porn.
     
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  7. LittleJohn2

    LittleJohn2 Fapstronaut

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    I have gone through a very similar experience in my life when it comes to what I use to get "off." I have been aware that it is the number one problem in my life for a very long time, yet I have convinced myself at some points that it is okay and that it is who I am as a person, which is total bullcrap. I am a good person, with a long standing addiction. I've struggled with homoerotic content for a while now, and reading about you struggling with similar problems is very appreciative. I feel less alone now and like I am not the freak I have often thought I am. Your post alone has done that for me, and I made this account firstly to write this reply and share my appreciation for your honesty, and secondly to officially start this change in my life. Your honesty has made a difference. I have felt alone for most of my life, but I am not alone. Thanks for sharing your struggle. We can become the people we truly want to be. This is my first step.
     
    Breadman likes this.
  8. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

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    Littlejohn2 , here are many like us. I’m one. Start conversation if you want to talk.
     
  9. Dvs123

    Dvs123 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all for the answers, it’s hard sometimes to think it’s not deeper, my OCD tells me I’m repressing my feelings, I’ve accepted uncertainty, maybe I’m Bi, and that’s fine.
    I’ll try to stop checking using porn though, my therapist said it doesn’t help.
     
    Breadman likes this.
  10. topjobm8two

    topjobm8two Fapstronaut

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    Porn messes up our sexuality big-time. I've not had much xp in this area, but from reading, your viewing preference does not determine your sexuality. You have to do a full reboot to know this. Why are you here anyway of you're not going to actually admit to having an issue? Can you not masturbate for 90 days? Prove it.
     
    Dvs123 likes this.
  11. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

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    You are among many of us here who deal with homoerotic porn messing with our identities. Just wondering how things are going.
     
    Dvs123 likes this.
  12. Dvs123

    Dvs123 Fapstronaut

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    I think I can, but I’ve never done it, I did a month, that’s the best I could, but when I came back with the checking, it only got progressively “worse”
     
  13. Dvs123

    Dvs123 Fapstronaut

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    Lately I’ve been feeling alright, not as anxious as last week but I unfortunately checked a bit today, got nothing from that.
    I know I fancy girls, but the uncertainty of wether I like boys or not drives me to check I suppose
     
  14. topjobm8two

    topjobm8two Fapstronaut

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    My best is only 39 days. But I have consistent streaks of 10 to 15 to 20 days for a couple years now. I am a slow learner, but I'm not giving up. How do you know until you try?
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019
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